Fix You (22 page)

The momentary silence was like a wall between the two of
them. Hanna wondered if she would ever be able to breach it. She decided to
continue, to give him all the information and then get the hell out of there.
She wished she could hold Matty in her arms right now. She needed his presence
to ground her.

“His name is Matthew, he was born on November twelfth. He’s
eighteen months old.” She moved forward to show Richard a photograph on her
iPhone, picking one she took a couple of days before. Matty was standing up in
Tom’s living room, holding a ball as he attempted to throw it to Ruby. His joy
at playing with his aunt was written all over his face; and he was biting his
lip in concentration.

“That’s him?” Richard’s voice was dead. “That’s my son?”

Hanna nodded, the lump in her throat preventing her from
speaking. She’d dreamed of this moment so many times, and his lack of emotion
was killing her. Then a moment later, as she saw Richard’s face twist with
anger, she longed for his previous, calm demeanor.

 “I need to get out of this room. Stay here,” he spat, not
giving her an option. He stalked over to the door that led to the outer office
and wrenched it open. When he slammed it behind him, she heard a lock turn.

He’d locked her in.

He trusted her so little. He was so sure she’d run, that he
felt he had to lock her in.

Or perhaps he was trying to protect her. The next moment,
she heard something being thrown across the outer office, and the loud
vibration of his voice as he shouted, followed by Lisa’s gentler tone,
murmuring to him.

Hanna walked to the dark-brown leather sofa by the large,
picture window and sat down, fingers tapping on the iPhone she still held in
her hand.

I’ve told him
.  She sent the text to Ruby.

Within moments, Ruby had sent a reply.
How did he take
it?

He’s locked me in his office.

Are you okay? Is he okay?
Bless Ruby. She
always supported them both.

He’s left the room. I’m fine. I think he’s throwing
furniture around.

A few minutes later, Hanna heard the door unlock, and then
saw Lisa’s face appear as she pushed it open.

“How are you doing, Hanna?”

Hanna tried not to smile. Everybody was asking her the
question they should ask Richard. She was fine. A little shaken, very worried,
but fine.

“Is Richard all right?”

“He’s a little angry. It’s none of my business, but I think
I got the gist. I told him to get some fresh air and come back when he’s calmed
down.” Behind Lisa, Hanna could see the debris all over the floor where Richard
had thrown pen pots and other office equipment.  “Can I get you a drink while
you wait for him?”

“I’d love a glass of water, thank you.” She hadn’t realized
how dry her mouth was until Lisa had offered. The confrontation had sucked all
the moisture from her.

It took more than twenty minutes for Richard to come back.
While she waited, Hanna texted Ruby a few times, learning that Richard had been
speaking with his sister on the phone, and seemed calmer than before. Hanna
braced herself anyway when the door opened, afraid of what side of Richard she
might see.

“I’m sorry I locked you in.” His first words calmed her. “I
needed to get out before I caused any damage.”

“I’m the one that should be apologizing.”

Richard ignored her expression of regret. “I’ve asked Lisa
to book us on the first flight to France. There’s a plane leaving tonight.”

“I’ve got a flight booked for tomorrow—” She began to
protest, but Richard waved her off.

“It’s done. While I wait for my luggage to be dropped off
you can give me a few answers.” He moved toward her, sitting down on the
leather chair opposite her. In the glare of the afternoon sun, his features
seemed sharper. She felt the strangest urge to trace the line of his jaw with
her finger.

“I’d be happy to.”

Richard leaned back, running his hands through his hair. “Why
didn’t you tell me? Was it in retaliation for me staying with Meredith while
she got better? Because that’s pretty fucking low.” His words tumbled together,
and Hanna could feel each one pierce her heart.

She shook her head rapidly. “I wanted to tell you. I didn’t
find out until I was four months pregnant. As soon as I had the scan I called
you.” She picked up the glass of water and knocked it back. “Your mother answered.
She told me that Meredith was consigned to a wheelchair for life, and that you
were looking after her.”

Richard’s hand was still in his hair, now tugging rather
than smoothing. She resisted the urge to pull his arm down.

“My mother said
what
?” His voice was pure ice.

“She said Meredith was never going to walk again, that she
would be stuck in a wheelchair forever.”

The silence that followed was thick. It took Richard a while
to cut through it. “Why would she say that?”

Hanna’s heart felt like it was being squeezed by a vice. She
was so scared he’d believe Caroline over her. Why wouldn’t he?

“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “But I believed her.”
Hanna wanted to go back in time, relive that telephone conversation and ask
Caroline more pointed questions. But she’d been so emotional, reeling from the
discovery that she was pregnant, desperate to talk to Richard and tell him the
news. Caroline had taken advantage and cut her off before she’d even begun.

“You don’t know.” His voice had taken on that dead tone
again. She was finding it so hard to read him. His face was like a mask, and
she wanted to reach out and grab him, shake some feeling into him. “So why didn’t
you call me again?”

Hanna licked her dry lips. “Because if I told you I was
pregnant, you would have left Meredith. I couldn’t do that to her, I couldn’t
do that to you. I thought she was paralyzed and she needed you. I knew it would
tear you in two to decide between us.”

“It was all a lie.” His previous stoic face was overrun by
emotion. “My mother lied.”

“She didn’t know I was pregnant.” Hanna’s voice wavered, and
she could feel the tears pricking at her eyes. “I should have told you.”

He pushed himself out of his seat, pacing the dark wooden
floor. “I can’t even tell you how fucked up I am right now. I’m so angry at my
mother, and at you, I’m even furious Ruby got to meet my son before I did. If
you weren’t the mother of my child, I’d probably want to kill you.”

Hanna could feel herself shaking again. His frame of mind
was swinging all over the place, and she could understand why. If she’d just
found out about a child, eighteen months after the fact, she’d be angry, too.
Not to mention confused and frightened.

She looked at him. “You said you had questions, as in
plural?”

“What’s his full name?”

This was going to hurt, she thought. “Matthew Richard
Vincent.”

“You named him after me?”

“I couldn’t give him your surname, so I gave him your first
name. Matthew means
Gift from God
.” She allowed a small sigh to escape
her lips. “He truly is a gift, Richard.”

“Is he healthy? Is he happy?” His words shot out like
bullets.

Her heart clenched. Even in the most emotional turmoil of
his life, he was asking about the well being of others. She tried to quench the
love for him that was threatening to spill out of her.

“He’s perfectly healthy. He’s had all his immunizations.
There have been a few falls and bruises, but nothing major.” She attempted to
smile at him through her tears. “He’s the happiest kid you could ever meet. He’s
always smiling, loves playing games. When I walk into the house after I’ve been
out, the sweetest, most beautiful grin seems to split his face in two.” She was
waxing lyrical now, on a roll. “And he’s so clever. He already knows so many
words, and he was walking before he was a year. You’ll love him.”

The rapt expression on Richard’s face told her he already
did.

“I need to see him.” His voice cracked. “I can’t believe
this is happening.”

Hanna wanted to reach out and touch him. The maelstrom of
emotions was taking its toll on Richard. She was desperate to help him. “I’m so
sorry. I wish you could have been there when he was born.”

“Was it an easy birth?” He stopped pacing and moved back to
sit with her. This time he was beside her, and it gave her a spark of hope.

“It felt like he was ripping me in two, but he was worth all
the pain. The moment they put him in my arms I realized I’d do it all again in
a heartbeat.”

“Have you got any pictures, of when he was a baby?”

“All the newborn ones are in an album at home. In France. I’ve
got a few of when he was crawling.” She scrolled through her phone and showed
the photos to Richard. He looked at them all, his eyes lit up as he regarded
his son.

“He’s beautiful,” he whispered.

“I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

“Ruby let me listen to him on the phone. He said your name.”

Hanna swallowed, her smile eclipsed by the tears as she
thought about Matty. She missed him so much it hurt. Her arms ached from his
absence. She reached up and wiped her damp cheeks.

“He’s such a clever boy.”

The door opened and Lisa put her head around the space. “Jack’s
here with your luggage. Do you want to go straight down?”

“Yes.” Richard’s reply was crisp. He walked over to his desk
and booted down his computer, packing up his laptop along with some files. As
he zipped up the bag, he turned to Hanna. “Have you got Wi-Fi at your place in
France?”

Hanna nodded, wondering just how long Richard was intending
to stay. Then she started to worry about his intentions. He couldn’t remain in
France forever. Was he going to try and take Matty away from her? He had every
right to request joint custody, and no matter how much it would break her
heart, she wouldn’t be able to refuse him.

She’d thought she’d be able to tell him the news, and then
go back to France. She’d assumed her life would remain the same, only enhanced
by the fact that Matty would get to know his dad. If her life was complicated
before, it was nothing compared to what the future would bring.

Richard walked into the outer office and picked up her bag,
hoisting it over his shoulder. Hanna trailed after him, her heart still racing
as she thought about the future. Part of her was so excited she’d see Matty in
less than a day’s time. The other half was so afraid she was finding it hard to
breathe.

It remained to be seen, whether the hardest part was over
yet.

Twenty Three

May 13
^th
2012

W
hile leaning back in the leather seat,
Richard glanced over at the small, round window, noticing they were finally
over land. The patchwork of fields far below was enough for him to know they
were flying over Europe; even from the sky it was so very different from the
US. Smaller, prettier, it somehow suited the temperament of its inhabitants.

One of which was his son.

His son.

He could repeat the words over and again in his mind, but
they weren’t sinking in. For the first time ever, he had taken a pill before
getting on the plane—enough to calm his edgy nerves, and to stop him from
wanting to alternately kiss and kill Hanna Vincent. She was asleep next to him,
her long, mahogany hair splayed out over the headrest of the seat. Two
transatlantic flights in less than twenty-four hours had knocked it out of her.
The exhaustion was written across her beautiful face.

He glanced back down at his open laptop, scanning his eyes
over the emails he had downloaded before getting on the plane. When he’d asked
Lisa to book them on this flight, she’d automatically canceled and rearranged
all of his meetings, though it looked like he’d have to do some via video conference.
He hoped to hell Hanna’s Wi-Fi was up to the challenge.

Another surge of rational anger swept through him. His face
contorted as he tried to control the fury, as his hands balled into desperate
fists. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t think about what she had done without
wanting to cause her pain. It was killing him.

A stifled sob brought him out of the red cloud, and he
turned his head to see Hanna had woken up. She was staring at him, her hand
covering her mouth, cheeks shiny with tears. His anger abated, replaced by
concern, and he cursed his alternating moods.

He wasn’t going to reach out and wipe away her tears. Not
this time. Not even if his hand was already hovering, desperate to touch her
cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was little more than a whisper. “You
look so angry.”

Richard took a deep breath. This was no place to have this
conversation, no matter how desperate Hanna was to be absolved. The overhead
lights were dimmed, but the constant movements of the stewardesses, and the
numerous travelers who were walking down the aisle to the bathroom, made their
cocoon anything but private. The recriminations would have to wait until they’d
landed in France, until they were alone in the villa.

Until he met his son.

The seatbelt light illuminated over their heads, followed by
an announcement from the head steward that they were beginning their descent.
Richard stared out of the window again, amazed at the beauty of the land below.
The bright white light of the morning sun pierced his eyes. New York already
seemed so far behind, like a city of dreams.

“I’ve arranged for a car to pick us up from the airport.” He
tried to keep his voice conversational. Being in close proximity to her was
such a bad idea. Every emotion it was possible to suffer seemed to pass through
him whenever he looked at her. He tried his hardest not to.

“Thank you.”

“Ruby and Tom are going to meet us at the Villa. After that
they’re traveling to Monaco for a few days. It will give us a chance to sort
things out.”

He could feel Hanna tense up. Her arm was millimeters away
from his, and he watched as her fingers tapped nervously on the leather rest.
Clutching his thigh hard, he damped down the urge to curl his hand around hers,
to rub his thumb along her knuckles until she calmed.

“They’re leaving?” she asked, her voice tremulous. “I was
hoping to spend a little time with Ruby.”

Richard shook his head, still staring at her hand. “I want
some time with my son, away from everybody else.”

Another barely contained sob. He didn’t need to look at her
to know she was biting her lip. He knew everything about this girl; the way she
laughed, the way she cried.

The way she lied.

The plane was descending fast, and he could feel his ears
numb up as they tried to adjust to the altitude. Hanna reached forward and
grabbed a bottle of water from the cup holder and started to gulp rapidly. He’d
forgotten how sensitive her ear canals were, but now he could remember in stark
resolution those few flights they took together from New York to London, and
how he’d stroke her hair as she swallowed desperately, trying to equalize the
pressure in her head.

He licked his dry lips. He wasn’t going to look at her.

Her hand lifted away from the armrest, and he assumed she
was grabbing at her ear. His gaze followed the wake of her movement until he
was looking at her thick, wavy hair. It glowed almost red in the reflection of
the bright light streaming through the porthole of the plane. Her fingers
curled around her ear, and when he moved his eyes to look at her face, he could
see it contorted with pain.

“Come here.” He pulled her head against his, threading his
fingers through her hair. He massaged her scalp in a long forgotten rhythm,
feeling her relax against him as he continued to caress.

She was still crying. Her tears were falling onto his shirt,
moistening it where her cheeks touched him. The heel of his palm touched her
other cheek, wiping it dry as he moved his hand against her.

“Thank you.” Her voice was muffled by his chest. He wasn’t
sure what she was grateful for—the human decency of trying to quell her pain,
the fact he’d finally touched her, or maybe the hope they could find a way
through this mess and come out on the other side with a level of amicability.

Once off the plane, they separated at passport control;
Hanna having to go through the European side, while he remained with the herd
of people trying to make their way through “rest of the world.” She waited for
him by baggage reclaim; she’d even picked his bags from the carousel and placed
them on a waiting trolley. Their interactions reverted to being excruciatingly
polite.

The journey to the villa took under an hour. It was a bright
spring day; the fields were full of greenery and the roads were full of small,
noisy cars, barely obeying the rules of driving. Every now and then a tiny car,
usually a Renault or Citroen, would swerve around their taxi and Hanna would
flinch.

When they pulled up to Tom’s house, Richard felt his mouth
drop open. When Hanna had called it a “villa,” he had imagined a quaint country
cottage, maybe two or three bedrooms complete with peeling white paint and
rotting wooden shutters. Instead it was more of a palace. Even for someone like
Richard, who was used to wealth and property, it was large. It kicked him in
the stomach to know his son was growing up within these walls.

The driver climbed out and unloaded Richard’s suitcases from
the trunk, passing Hanna her small carry-on with a wry smile. Richard lifted
all three bags and they walked together toward the front door, both silent,
drowning under the weight of their own thoughts. It wasn’t until they reached
the entrance that Hanna broke the silence.

“How do you want to do this?” She sounded more confident
again, as if being on home turf was giving her the advantage. “Shall I
introduce you as a friend? Not that Matty will understand, he’s only little,
but I don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m his father, Hanna,” Richard replied, the anger
returning. “Perhaps we can start as we mean to go on?”

Hanna swallowed and nodded. “Okay. But he doesn’t always
warm up to strangers immediately. You need to give him a bit of time. Don’t get
upset if he doesn’t come to you right away.”

Before he had a chance to respond, the door was pulled open
in front of them. Richard looked up to see Tom standing there, a huge grin on
his face and a small child in his arms, wriggling with desperate excitement.

“He couldn’t wait any longer, Hanna. He was running for the
door.”

Richard tried to bite back the jealousy as Matty reached his
arms out for his mother, babbling wildly. Hanna grabbed him and held him tight,
burying her face in his hair, telling him how much she missed him.

She missed him?

How the hell did she think Richard felt?

As if she could hear his thoughts, Hanna lifted her head up
and looked at Richard, her lips curling into a smile. She turned slightly, so
he could see Matty’s face, and every ounce of anger brewing in his body
disappeared.

His son was beautiful.

His dark brown eyes were deep and expressive. He stared at
Richard with interest, lifting his hand up and sucking on his thumb as he
appraised him. Light brown hair flopped over his forehead; a color Richard had
seen in enough photographs of his own childhood to know it would eventually
darken into a deeper brown, making Matty resemble his father.

Matty’s scant eyebrows pulled down into a frown, not in
sadness so much as concentration. He pulled his hand away from his mouth—his
thumb still glistening from being sucked—and pointed at Richard.

“That?”

Hanna caught Richard’s eye again, her features reassuring. “That’s
Daddy, darling.”

Matty shrugged, unperturbed by the news, the words meaning
nothing to him. Richard wasn’t sure if he was relieved he was being accepted so
easily, or angry he was robbed of a tearful reunion.

His heart rate sped when he saw his son staring up at him.
He was so beautiful. It was like the best parts of both of them had been molded
into something perfect and new. Richard tried to regulate his breathing, to
calm his reaction so he didn’t frighten his child. Matty reached out and
touched Richard’s face, the tiny frown lines between his brows disappearing as
his lips curled into a delighted smile.

“Dat.”

The touch of his son’s soft hand on his own face was
indescribable. He wanted to close his eyes and suck in the emotions, grab his
hand and hold him closer. He wanted to snatch Matty from Hanna’s arms and swing
him around, show him how happy he was to see him.

His son.

His.

“Hi, Matthew.” The corners of his lips threatened to reach
his ears, his grin was so wide. “How are you doing?”

Matty nodded, as if he understood, and reached out to
Richard, squirming in Hanna’s arms until she lifted him across.  It took
Richard a moment to realize what was happening, his body reacting before his
mind. Before he knew it, he was holding his son in his arms, their faces so
close he could feel Matthew’s rapid breaths bathing his skin.

“Hmm.” Matthew poked Richard’s cheek with his finger and
laughed. His infectious giggle caused Richard to chuckle back. He tightened his
arms under Matthew, delighting in the sensation of holding his son, amazed at
how light he felt; yet how perfectly he fit in his arms.

“He’s beautiful.” Richard stared at Hanna with new eyes. How
could he hate somebody who had made something so perfect?

“He likes you. He doesn’t usually throw himself at people.”
Her voice was steady but he could see her eyes glisten. She tucked a lock of
hair behind her ear and glanced away. “Has everything been okay, Tom?”

Richard had forgotten it wasn’t only the three of them and
glanced up at Tom with surprise. “Hi, Tom.” He reached out a hand, adjusting
Matty so he was holding him firmly with his other arm.

“Richard, it’s good to see you.” Tom’s grin was as huge as
Richard’s. “It’s been a long time coming.” He raised his eyebrows at Hanna. She
had the good grace to look ashamed.

“Where’s Ruby?” Hanna pushed herself onto her tiptoes so she
could glance over Tom’s shoulder and into the villa. “I thought she’d be the
first out to see us.”

“She overslept,” Tom replied with a mock whisper. “I’ve been
up with Matty since five.”

Matty nodded rapidly, as if he was joining in the
conversation. “Up.”

“That’s right, Matty. Up and awake. Makes me really happy.”
Tom’s voice was deadpan. “It’s all over to you now, Richard. Enjoy.”

“I intend to,” Richard’s face seemed molded into a
permagrin. “I can’t see the early mornings being a problem.” Not even mixed
with jet lag. He didn’t intend to miss a moment more with his son.

“Hi, Richard!” Ruby’s voice carried through the tiled
entranceway and out of the door. The loud clattering of her running down the
stairs was followed by a vision of green, hurtling herself across the hall and
barely coming to a halt in front of her brother. “I can’t believe I missed the
big reunion. I’ve been planning it for days.” She turned around and punched Tom
on the arm. “I told you not to bring him out here.”

“Lay off the violence,” Tom chided good-humoredly. From the
way his eyes lit up as soon as Ruby arrived, Richard could tell there was
something more than friendship going on. He shook his head slightly, trying to
get the thought out of his mind. The older brother act would have to wait; he
had bigger fish to fry.