Flirting With Chaos (19 page)

“He come sniffing around at night, eating up all my honey. Oh Lord, why he come to me every night, eating up all my honey?”
The harmonica streamed in with the woman’s voice.
“By morning time, he’s gone and I ain’t got no more money.”

This time, I sang with T-Bone and the singer.
“He’s no good! Oh Lord, he’s no good!”

Chapter 14

Grave Cake

“I D
ON’T
H
AVE
A
NY
R
EGRETS
, but I am worried that he’s going to act different. I think if we hadn’t had sex last night, then we would be hanging out today.” I cut a slice of the cake, set it on the paper plate, and put everything in front of my father’s grave. “Instead, he’s avoiding me, or maybe I’m just imagining it all.”

Sunlight seeped through the tree branches that hovered over Dad’s gravesite. A guitar carved in white stone served as his tombstone. His name glittered in gold letters formed by his actual guitar strings. Flowers already scattered the ground. His fans still came to show their respect throughout the year, but hoards visited around his birthday. In order for me to have this time to myself, I’d worked with the cemetery owner to visit two hours before the public was given access.

“In the end, it doesn’t matter.” I cut another slice of cake for Kaden like I’d promised him days ago. “If we never return to how we’ve been, then I’ll just find new friends and maybe another guy. What I truly found out last night is that I am capable of being touched by a man.”

I’d tried in high school, but the emotional wounds had been too deep then. My first kiss with Clayton Jenkins had ended in a fit of tears and vomit. My second kiss finished with nothing but vomit. After that, the word had spread all over school that Rain Kenner ranked high on the freak scale. Not even hanging with Jude had eased the harsh jokes and ridicule. When college application time arrived, I’d picked art schools far away from home, my private school, and all of my dark memories. Jude hadn’t appreciated my leaving, but he’d understood. Somehow he’d convinced me that Sarasota would be the best place for me, due to it being far enough away from Miami for me to get some distance but close enough for him to fly up and whip someone’s ass if they messed with me.

With a new past and an image to create that wasn’t connected to my junkie father’s, I had started dating again at art school, only to discover that hives rose on my arms when I thought of my dates touching me. My school therapist had explained that all of my body’s reactions came from anxiety at being touched. I disagreed. She’d assumed I’d been molested or raped since I wouldn’t tell her what my real problem was. But no one had inappropriately touched me in a sexual way during my childhood. Eventually, she’d diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder.

No shit.

She had suggested taking my time when dating, work on building trust with the prospective guy, and then doing breathing exercises before I finally decided to kiss him. It had freaked me out that all of that was required for just a simple kiss. Meanwhile, when I had gone back home and visited Miami, Jude’s lips and fingers touched me constantly with no effect, except shivers of desire that crept up now and then. Months ago, I’d woken up from a dream where Jude and I masturbated together on a stage in front of everybody. The idea had hit me then: Jude should take my virginity.

“And it worked, Daddy.” I formed my lips into a smile. “There’s nothing wrong with your little girl. I’m not as broken as Mom and I thought. I’m perfectly capable of having an intimate relationship. Just in case…you were wondering up there, wherever you are.”

Tears spilled out of my eyes. I barely cried when I visited him. Today, my emotions were all jumbled, uncoiling and stretching through old thoughts and insecurities.
Why am I feeling so crazy today?
I wiped my eyes and cheeks.

“I’m not as broken as Mom and I thought. I’m stronger than you. I’m fine. You gave up on me, but I still survived. I’m not broken.” I rose from the ground and turned around.

Kaden stood right there with flowers in his hands and a six-pack of Red Stripe that was probably for him and Dad. Vicky lingered farther off, checking out other gravesites as if she was strolling a store, looking for a shirt to purchase.

His mouth parted, but no words left them.

I gestured to the extra slice of cake. “There you go. He’s all yours. I’ll leave the rest of the cake just in case Vicky wants it, or you can take it home for Jude.”

“Thank you.” He dropped the beer next to the cake.

I walked off.

“Rainbow,” Kaden called after me.

I spun around. “Yes?”

“Don’t ever say you’re broken again.” He rushed the few feet between us and embraced me.

I kept my arms to my sides, completely caught off guard.

He held me tighter. “Do you hear me?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “You don’t understand. I was telling Daddy I was okay.”

“It was more than that. I’d ask you, but you wouldn’t tell me, huh?”

“Tell you what?”

“Why you would even think you were broken in the first place.”

I kept my lips shut tight.

“I have questions for you, Rainbow.”

I flinched at the name. So close to my dad’s decaying bones, I couldn’t even deal with that name. “I may answer you if you stop calling me that name. If you must call me it, do it away from here.”

He nodded.

“Go ahead.”

“Why did you run away when I sang ‘Ribbons of Rainbow’? He wrote the song for you.”

“It gave me bad memories.”

“Will you tell me of what?”

I gave him a weak grin. “No.”

“The day Jack killed himself, he called me and left a message.”

My feet wobbled under me. I stumbled back and Kaden caught me, dragging me toward him. My heart beat so loud; I bet he could hear it.

What had Dad said? Did he tell on us? No. That’s impossible. He couldn’t have.

Kaden continued to hold me. “Do you want to hear what he said, or should I leave all of this alone?”

“It’s too late for that.” I climbed out of his arms. “Go ahead and tell me.”

He rubbed at a worry line on his forehead. A red mark remained after he removed his hand. “Jack’s message said, ‘That evil woman took them all. I finally jumped off the cliff, and I can’t stop falling. Not even Rainbow can save me this time. She’s falling too.’”

But Dad was wrong. I stopped falling.

“Bye, Kaden.” More tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I hurried away.

He ran after me. “Rainbow—I mean, Rain—wait!”

“Leave me alone, Kaden. Go have your beer with my dad and rehash the good old druggie years of rock and roll.” I made it to the gate in no time.

“Rain!” Kaden’s voice sounded close.

Thompson jumped out of the town car and hurried over to us. “Everything okay, Miss Rain?”

“I’m fine.”

Kaden snatched at my hand.

Thompson got between us. “It doesn’t look like Miss Rain wants to talk to you right now, Mr. Everett.”

I waved the remark away. “I’m okay, Thompson.”

“Can we talk in the car?” Kaden asked. “I won’t keep you long.”

“For what? So you can give me more awesome messages from my dead dad?”

“Okay. Clearly, that wasn’t smart, but I don’t know what the hell it means.”

“And naturally, all you can think about is yourself. Poor Kaden Everett can’t decipher a message. Maybe he should go to Jack’s fucked-up-in-the-head daughter and remind her about that night.” I approached the town car and got in.

“Wait. You’re not messed up in the head.”

Wrong again, Kaden.

He slid in next me. “I’m sorry.”

“Get out.”

He slammed the door. “Let me talk to you.”

“What role is it today? Are you my uncle or Dad’s best friend, or are you Jude’s dad, or even better, are you the guy that would love to fuck me on the beach? Who are you today?”

He leaned back in the seat. “I’m—”

“Sorry, yes. I gathered that. You’re so sorry.”

“What happened?” He didn’t look at me. He stared straight ahead. “You’re mad, and I know I messed up, but not that much. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

He faced me. “Tell me.”

“Why?”

“I have a right to know how Jack really died.”

How Jack died? Like Dad deserves the pity.

The tears fell. I lost all control of myself. Sadness burst into rage. Fear collided with pain. “He grabbed his gun, put it in his mouth, and pulled it. We all know this story. And because he was such a great dad, he did it in his daughter’s bedroom.” I spat the words out and for once, everything seemed clearer. I’d never talked bad about Dad and had tried my best to think of the good times. Jude hated him and never liked when I brought him up. Most of the time, he refused to go with me to Dad’s gravesite.

“He would’ve never killed himself without some serious reason,” Kaden said. “We’d just been planning a tour and a new album. The week before, we were partying and writing music, beautiful songs filled with happy stuff. The next week I wake up to find out that he’s dead, and he’d killed…were they fighting or something? What happened that night?”

“It has been five years. Get over it.” I slapped my forehead. “It’s like you only exist in your world. Your friend left a wife and destroyed child to deal with his body and blood, and all you can think about is your pain and where you were at.”

“What do you mean he left his wife? She’s gone, and I don’t understand why he did it. After all these years, I just don’t understand.”

“Get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I tightened my fingers into fists and dug my nails into my palms. There was no escape. I could run out of the car like a crazy woman. If I fled, Kaden would follow. I had no doubt about that. He thought he deserved the truth. He longed for closure and the answer of why his childhood friend would leave him in this world by himself.

But if he hears the truth, where will I end up? Behind bars or in a mental facility?

“Rain? Just tell me.”

“Please leave me alone.” I hugged myself. Thoughts entered my mind. Bad ones. The sky, the roof, and everything around me felt like it would tumble down onto me. I almost covered my head to protect myself.

Kaden kept talking and talking and fucking talking. “Jack’s message said he’s falling and you’re falling. Then you’re at his grave, trying to prove to a dead man that you’re not broken.” He scooted closer. “I’ve even asked Jude, and he gets all angry with me any time I want to talk about it.”

Why does it even matter anymore if Kaden knows?
Why do I have to keep all this pain in my chest and lock it away? Why? Because then my life would be over. I will be the one that’s dead.

I swallowed and prepared to tell the lie I had practiced over and over before the police and ambulance had arrived. Once the cops had come, they saw my tears and the gun in Dad’s hand as he lay dead on the bedroom floor. Then they found the suicide note.

Yes. That’s how it happened.

They didn’t ask any questions and since they had been to our house so often, they probably figured that the next time they showed up, Mom or Dad would be lying in a pool of blood. I hadn’t slept for days after the coroner had left. Instead of planning a funeral, I’d been packing my bags and discreetly gathering cash and fake IDs. I was going to run off, escape, flee, never come back.

Mom would understand.

Jude was the one who’d talked me in to staying, and when the medical examiner’s report came back, we were relieved. It was declared that although Dad had died from gunshot wounds, the angle of the bullets seemed to coincide with a suicide. The next day, my grandmother had flown in and tearfully given an official report about the tragedy to all media networks.

“I just don’t understand what happened in that house that night.”

Fine. I’ll tell him what he wants to hear, even if it’s a lie.

“He was drunk and high that night. That’s what happened.” I tucked my feet under my thighs, sat Indian-style on the seat, and leaned my head on the window, away from Kaden. “Dad was worse than any time I’d ever seen him. He fell down the stairs before he could get to the second flight. When he did, he stepped into my room and lay down in my bed, calling me my mom’s name and touching me the way he would touch her.”

Kaden’s intake of break was loud in the quiet car.

How easily the lies slipped out of my lips. I turned around. “What’s wrong? You wanted to talk about your great Jack. A great guy that would never kill himself. Well, Jack thought I was his wife that night, and no matter how much I screamed and cried—”

“Rain, I didn’t know. I didn’t have any idea.” He reached out to me and quickly pulled his hand back when he spotted the look of disgust on my face.