Flutter (24 page)

“Why would they all lie about this?” Jack ran his
hand through his hair. “Why couldn’t they just tell me the truth?
Is it really that hard?”

“Kinda. I’m sure Mae was really ashamed of what
happened, and you didn’t remember,” I said. “They probably just
thought it would be easier for everyone.”

“I could’ve died!” He stopped pacing so he could look
at me. “Mae almost killed me, and she never thought it was the
right thing to tell me? And I don’t get why I don’t remember.
Everyone else remembers when they turned so vividly. Why can’t I?
Did she do something to me?”

“You died, that’s why,” Peter said, startling me.

He must’ve been in his room when he heard Jack
yelling, and we had been too distracted to notice him coming out
into the hall. I glanced back at him, then crossed my arms firmly
over my chest and moved closer to the wall, away from him.

“You were dead for almost five minutes,” Peter said.
“We weren’t even sure the transformation would take, but you’ve
always had a strong heart.”

“Well, thank you so very much,” Jack said, his voice
heavy with sarcasm.

“I know you’re upset, but you’re making too much of
this.” Peter sounded almost weary.

He walked into Jack’s room, moving much closer to me
than I would’ve liked. He barely looked at me, but I stared down at
the ground. Supposedly, Peter was trying to comfort Jack, and that
made me uncomfortable. Being around Peter and Jack together made me
feel guilty.

If I had been able to think clearly or actually
speak, I would’ve been wondering when Peter started caring about
Jack’s well-being. I know that they had once been very close, but I
had never seen Peter ever say anything encouraging to Jack. Today,
at this moment, Peter suddenly decided to repair their
relationship.

“Peter, I really don’t need your shit right now,”
Jack said. “You’re no better than anybody else.”

“Really? Because it was my decision to save your
life.” Peter looked at him, and Jack lowered his eyes to the floor.
“But that’s not the point. Mae was a wreck about what happened to
you, and we did everything in our power to save you and take care
of you. So don’t act like we don’t care.”

“Out of guilt!” Jack shook his head. “And it doesn’t
matter! I just can’t believe that you’d all lie to me all this
time!” He sighed. “But I guess I shouldn’t have expected much
different from you. You’re the most self-serving person I’ve ever
met.”

“What does that mean?” Peter narrowed his eyes at
him.

“You are so selfish! You
never
think about anybody
else!” Jack shouted at him. “You guys didn’t want to tell me
because you thought I’d be upset!”

“You sure proved us wrong,” Peter replied dryly and
crossed his arms over his chest.

“I never lie to you guys! Not ever! And I can’t
believe that you would all conspire to lie to me about something so
big!” Jack yelled, and the knot in the pit of my stomach only
tightened. “It’s so weak, and even though you’re a massive dick, I
never thought you were a coward.”

“I
saved
your life! And I have
sacrificed so much of my own happiness for you!” Peter growled at
him. “And that makes me a dick and a coward?”

“If you had to lie to do it, then yeah, it does!”
Jack stared directly at Peter, and something flashed in Peter’s
eyes.

“Hey, you know what? I think that, um, we should just
take a breather,” I stammered.

“So you don’t want me to ever lie to you? About
anything?” Peter had a bitter smile on his lips, and it confused
Jack. “That’s the only way that I can overcome being this selfish
asshole who has stupidly put your wants in front of my own for the
past sixteen years?”

“I hardly think you’ve done that, but yeah.” Jack
didn’t know what he was getting at, but it made him nervous.

“Peter, I think that Jack doesn’t know what he’s
saying,” I interjected breathlessly. Jack’s eyes flitted over to me
for just a second, but by then, it was too late. As soon as I said
Peter’s name, Jack realized something was up.

“I know
exactly
what I’m saying,” Jack glared
at Peter.

“Yeah? Well, then, just so I can absolve myself from
all the sins I’ve done against you, like saving your life and
running away to Finland so you could live in peace, I’m gonna tell
you the truth.” Peter leaned in a little bit closer to Jack and
lowered his voice. “I kissed Alice. Three days ago.”

“Peter!” I shouted because that was the only defense
I had.

We both suspected some kind of reaction out of Jack,
but for a minute, there was nothing. A weird buzzing feeling
engulfed his emotions, and I couldn’t get a read on any of them.
His face was blank, and then finally, he turned to me. That’s when
I felt how much it hurt him, and it was like being punched in the
gut.

“Jack,” I said lamely.

“Fuck you all,” Jack looked at Peter, then back at
me. “Seriously. Fuck you all.” Then he looked away from us and
walked out of his bedroom.

- 24 –

Going after Jack would not be an option. When he
left, I felt how badly I disgusted and hurt him, and he didn’t want
anything to do with me. He might never want anything to do with me
again, but I had to give him time. So I stood in his room,
reminding myself to breathe.

“Alice, I’m so sorry,” Peter said genuinely. “I
didn’t mean to say that. I never meant to tell him anything, but
he-”

“Shut up!” I snapped. “Just shut up!”

Peter left me alone, and I sat on the bed. I trembled
horribly, but I managed to keep from crying or vomiting, so it was
almost a win. Over and over again, I just kept telling myself that
he wouldn’t leave me forever. Not over this.

I had kissed Peter before, and he had gotten over it.
Admittedly, I hadn’t really been dating Jack at the time, and he
had still been hurt by it. But he only hurt because he loved me,
and it had just been one stupid kiss.

I tried to think of how I would explain this all to
Jack. When he came back, he’d want to know why, and I had better
have a good excuse. Unfortunately, I didn’t have one. There was no
good reason for what I did with Peter. I couldn’t even explain it
myself, and I had been trying for days. What I felt for Peter was
nothing like what I felt for Jack… but I couldn’t deny that I did
feel something for Peter.

As much as I had been minimizing it, there was still
this connection and pull I had towards him. Maybe I would have it
forever, but I only acted on it because of weak impulse
control.

That’s not what I could tell Jack, though. He would
never be okay with that. And he was just starting to get along with
Peter again. Why did I always have to ruin everything?

When Jack still hadn’t come back several hours later,
I called and texted him. Multiple times. But he never answered. I
could hear Bobby waking up in the next room, so I decided that
helping him out would be better than feeling sorry for myself and
worrying about Jack. Bobby wanted food, so I made him a sandwich
and grabbed him a Diet Cherry Coke.

Milo was moping about the living room, and I’d had
enough of it. Grabbing him by his arm, I drug him upstairs. He
complained the entire time, but he didn’t fight me that hard. I
managed to get him and Bobby’s food in his room without damaging
any of them.

As soon as Milo saw Bobby sitting up in bed, he
started crying. He ran over to him and they embraced. He apologized
a million times, and Bobby forgave him a million times. Just like
that, they were back to normal. I hated them.

Jack still wasn’t home when Matilda and I finally
passed out, but that didn’t worry me that much. When I woke up, and
he still wasn’t there, I got more concerned. After another thirty
ignored calls from me, I decided I had to try a different
tactic.

Jack was pissed at nearly everybody in the house,
except for Milo and Bobby. In fact, he was ridiculously fond of
them. I woke up Milo and demanded that he text Jack, just to make
sure he was okay.

Two minutes later, Jack replied with, “Yeah, I am
okay.” So I made Milo follow-up asking when he would be home again,
but that text, Jack never answered.

I lay in bed, feeling certain that he was never
coming home. He had left with a Lamborghini and credit cards with
no spending limit. He felt betrayed by almost everyone living in
this house. If I were him, I’d probably run away forever too.

What could he possibly still want with me? All I ever
did was complicate and hurt him. He was better off without me, but
selfishly, I wanted him still.

The ache I felt at being apart from him only seemed
to be growing. Jack was either getting farther away, or … I don’t
know. Maybe his feelings were ebbing away, and I could feel it,
like a painful tear spreading down my middle.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I just stared at the
ceiling, and let the pain consume me. After all, I deserved it.
This was my fault.

“Alice?” Peter knocked on the open bedroom door, but
I didn’t turn to look at him. I refused to do anything that didn’t
involve being immobile and suffering.

“Go away.”

“You’re pissed at me, and you should be,” Peter said.
“I never should’ve said that.”

“For once, you didn’t do anything wrong,” I sighed.
“I never should’ve kissed you, and after I did, I should’ve told
Jack about it. I screwed up.”

“I shouldn’t have let you in my room that night. Or
maybe I should’ve…” He trailed off. “I never should’ve come back in
the first place.”

“No, this is your home.
I
’m the one that ruined
everything, but I always do.”

“No, Alice, you don’t ruin anything,” Peter took a
step into the room, but I held my hand up to him.

“I need to be by myself, okay?” I could see him out
of the corner my eye. He debated whether he should listen to me,
but finally, he nodded and left me alone.

If I wanted any chance of a future with Jack, I was
going to have to spend the rest of my life avoiding Peter. For the
first time, I really understood why Peter was always taking off. It
was impossible for us to be around each other. It was just strange
that Jack was the one that left and not Peter. I shivered and hoped
that that didn’t signify anything.

All around, everything seemed to be falling apart.
Bobby was recovering, but Milo was still shaken up. Peter sulked
about the house, and he tried to talk to me several times, but I
always shut him down.

Mae and Ezra were completely unraveling. I could hear
them shouting at each other constantly, about Jack, about Daisy,
about anything. Matilda just lay by me and whined, and I buried my
head under the pillow. I didn’t know how much more of this I could
take.

“Alice?” Milo knocked on the door tenuously, waking
me up. It was the second night Jack had been gone, so I hadn’t
really slept. “Alice, wake up.”

“What’s in it for me?” I grumbled and poked my head
out from under the pillow. When I saw Milo, I blinked, assuming
that I was dreaming. He was wearing some kind of getup that
included black angel wings and excessive amounts of eyeliner and
glitter. “Okay, what the hell are you wearing?”

“It’s Halloween!” Milo smiled and walked over to the
bed. Matilda growled at him, and I totally agreed with her.

“What are you supposed to be? Some kind of dark
fairy?” I sat up so I could inspect his costume, but it didn’t make
much sense to me. Other than being entirely black, there wasn’t any
rhyme or reason to it.

“No,” Milo laughed. “I just wanted to wear wings, and
black is Halloween-y. And slimming.”

“Oh my god, I can’t
believe
I didn’t know you
were gay growing up,” I flopped back down on the bed. Every holiday
ever was an excuse for Milo to dress up. The signs were
ridiculously obvious when I thought about it.

“You can be a little slow sometimes,” he agreed. “Now
come on. Get out of bed and get ready. We’re going out!”

“I can’t go out,” I said. “Jack’s not home.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve left the house without Jack
before.” He sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. “And it’s a
holiday. You can’t stay cooped up in your room forever.”

“Maybe not, but I can’t leave with Jack still gone.
It doesn’t feel right.”

“He’ll be home soon,” Milo said without conviction.
“Or maybe he won’t. I don’t really know. But either way, you can’t
just stay here until he gets back.”

“I can’t go out! That’s like… I don’t know.
Sacrilegious or something.” I looked over at him. “I mean, he left
me here to punish me. So I should be properly punished.”

“Jack doesn’t punish anyone. That’s not how he
works,” he waved off the idea. “He just needed time to clear his
head, and he’s giving you time to clear yours too. Since you can’t
seem to stop kissing his brother, I’m sure he thinks you need time
to make up your mind about what you really want.”

“I have made up my mind!”

“Well, good, then you have time to go out with us!”
Milo said brightly. “So come on! Get up! Get dressed! Let’s
dance!”

“No, I really can’t,” I repeated. “Not until Jack
comes back. I just have to stay here and wait for him.”

“What if he never comes back?” Milo asked, and I shot
him a glare. “Sorry. But you know, what if it’s a really long
time?”

“Then I’ll just wait forever if I have to,” I
decided. “I’ll be like Snow White, and you can just put me in one
of those glass cases until Jack comes and gives me true love’s
kiss.”

“Oh, Snow White, that’s a good costume for you.” He
touched my hair. “With your pale skin and dark hair, we could
totally make that work.”

“Milo!” I groaned.