Flutter (The Discover Series) (25 page)

They were different again.

I squinted, trying to figure out what that subtle change in his eyes whenever he looked at me or touched me. I couldn’t put my finger on it before, but I saw it now. I could see the little, deep, blue sparks that sizzled inside his iris whenever he got close to me. They electrified the flutter inside of me.

“Your eyes…” my sentence faded as I wondered how to put into word what I was seeing inside them.

He blinked once and his eyes resumed their natural, ice blue color. There was an instant of surprise on his face, but it was gone before his features could really portray the expression.

“My eyes…are irresistible? They sparkle? They could dazzle you into submission?” his speculation had him slowly backing me up, until I was up against a wall. Literally.

“Wow,” I said trying not to let my voice waver, as I attempted sarcasm. “You think you’re kind of charming don’t you?” It wasn’t a question.

“Are you saying you
don’t
fine me charming?” He said cocking his head to the side, daring me to lie.

“I find you… supercilious.”

His roar of laughter caused curious glances our way. “Supercilious? Tell me the truth; you just made that up right?”

I tried desperately not to mirror his grin. “It’s a word!”

“If you say so Sara.”

I wanted to melt every time he said my name. Why did it have to sound so damn delicious when he said it? But more importantly, why did it sound so familiar?

“I call them like I see them.” I said snidely.

“Well let’s set that straight right now. I’m not supercilious, I’m confident. What’s wrong with that?” he asked innocently. “When I see something I want, I do everything in my power to get it.” His eyes had been fixed on my mouth, but when he finished his declaration, they were staring me down.

“I have a boyfriend.” I blurted out, instantly regretted how badly I wished that it wasn’t true.

“Do you?” He said lazily, and took a step back.

I hated that I didn’t know whether I was relieved or disappointed. “I don’t make it a point of lying.”

He just nodded and smiled devilishly. “Nothing worth it, is ever simple right?” his smile was confident and I wanted to hate that, but I couldn’t deny the spark of excitement his words caused my insides. I should walk away, but I couldn’t get my feet too corporate.

“I should be going.” I said.

“Why?” He glanced around searchingly. “Is your boyfriend waiting for you?”

I bit my lip, and the movement had him staring at my mouth again. “No,” I said loudly enough to bring his attention higher up. I realized then, it didn’t matter where he looked, breathing didn’t come easily when he looked at me. “He is out of town for the weekend.” Why I felt the need to indulge that bit of information was beyond me, but it seemed perfectly clear to him.

His smile grew inches bigger, and he looked like he had just taken home first prize without even trying.

“Is that so? Well I guess I should tell you now than Sara.”

He had moved closer, pushing me further into the wall without touching me. “What?” I whispered.

“I don’t play fair.” He whispered back, and his sweet scent trailed across my face.

“I should go.” I repeated again lamely. I didn’t know what was going on and I couldn’t think straight with my senses so wrapped up in him.

“So you’ve said.” He took a step back, and then another and I was instantly surrounded by fresh air.

I thought that was what I had needed, but actually I wanted to be surrounded by him again; but there was no
way
I could tell him that.

He was looking at me strangely, his eyes were lit up by brilliant blue sparks and they held a trace of satisfaction and yearning. Why wasn’t my mind screaming DANGER AHEAD? Shouldn’t I be having some kind of alarm bells going off; warning me, that I shouldn’t be feeling this way for a stranger?

The lines between my wants, needs, and shoulds were starting to blur together, until I was a mess of emotions. My body wanted to be pressed against his, my mind co-conspiring with his; and all the while I was waiting for that tiny bit of guilt to remind me that this was wrong, but it never came. It didn’t happen because this felt right. He felt right,

“Do you come to these things a lot?” he asked randomly,

His question confused me and I frowned. Gone was his sultry, confident tone, and replacing it was something sweeter and genuinely curious. I was taken aback in a few ways, but mostly at how strongly everything inside of me responded to him and his different personalities.

“No. I mean yes,”
ugh!
“Sometimes?” I finally settled on.

He laughed, “I didn’t mean to make that a trick question. There is no right or wrong answer.”

“Yes,” I said slowly, hoping that would prevent me from tripping over my own words. “I love these things.”

“You’re a big fan of music?” He asked, his question loaded with that same, genuinely, curious pitch.

“Isn’t everybody in some way?”

“I guess, but it calls stronger to others don’t you think?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I guess so. I know it does for me. I feel more relaxed when I’m surrounded by music.”

I felt my body relax around this new atmosphere he had created for us, and I realized if I wasn’t careful he would be having me share more with him than I should.

“What about you?” I turned the questioning around on him. “Do you come to these things a lot?”

“Nope,” He said matter-of-factly. “This is actually my first one.” He looked around again.

“Does the music call to you?”

He tilted his head, staring at me intently; and I found that I was no longer bashful under his stare. In fact I glorified in his open delight over what he saw when he looked at me. His smile was different again and I realized how easy it was to read his emotions. Once again he looked satisfied by what he saw, but even with my new found confidence, I couldn’t help the warmth of my blush as it crept over my high cheekbones, coloring my bronze skin.

“I’m a fan, but I don’t think it has the same effect on me as it probably does you.”

I nodded
knowing there really wasn’t anything
I could say to that. “I should-”

“Be going?” He finished my sentence with a knowing smile. “So you’ve said, and enough times to make me think that maybe you
really
do have somewhere to be.”

I pushed away from the wall, this time I was the one invading
his
space. “I’m supposed to be meeting my friend here. She has probably already gone off and located a search party to come find me.” I smiled at my joke and it turned into a nervous laugh. Only I wasn’t nervous because of him, I was nervous because I was going to have to leave him; and I was not thrilled about that.

“We wouldn’t want that now would we?”

“No.” I said, trying to form the goodbye int
o
words. “I guess I’ll see you around?” It wasn’t a causal statement, it was an actually question and probably the best I was going to do in the form of a goodbye.

“Oh I’m sure you will Sara.”

I nodded happily, and started to walk away backwards. “It was nice meeting you.” I said and turned around reluctant to walk away.

“Sara?”

He called my name, and I stopped; a small smile tugged at my lips. Closing my eyes briefly, I took a deep breath and turned around again

“Yes.” I answered.

“I’m actually playing at one of the live booths later on today. You should come by.”

I couldn’t help the smile that attacked my lips. “Maybe I will.” I taunted, and turned around.

“Sara?” He called back louder when I had taken a few steps away from him.

“Yes?”  I said, looking over my shoulder at him.

“It was a nice meeting you too.” He said with a wink.

Flutter

             
             
Nine

Rock the stadium of her heart

“Come on Sara, aren’t you having any fun at all?”

Elizabeth
whined, pulling on my arm.

“El
i you realize that’s the fiftieth time you’ve asked me that since we’ve gotten here right?” I laughed at her pouty face. “I’m fine,” I stressed. “I don’t know why you think I’m not having a good time. You know I love these festivals.”

For the most part that was true; I
had
loved these things, but why quibble over semantics with
Elizabeth
? She wouldn’t understand.

It was October on this side of the continent, and that meant
Flagstaff
’s annual fall festival. It still felt weird to me that fall was ending and winter was just beginning here, when we had just escaped winter on the other side of the world. It was almost like traveling back in time; only you didn’t get to undo anything. We had been back for almost two months now, and my memories had pretty much come back. Occasionally I would remember something new by a touch, or smell, and I realized I would never know for sure if my memory would ever be completely restored.

How can I remember what I didn’t know was lost?

For now I knew that the fall festival had been one of my favorites. Music was a big part of
Flagstaff
and it was a big part of me. It soothed me, and so I made it a point to attend any of these gatherings that included music. Musicians from all over the world came here and it was awesome to see, which is why I had let
Elizabeth
drag me out here. I could have said no, but I wanted to get out of the house. Things had been tense between Andres and me, so I used any excuse I could to get away, but now I was ruining it for
Elizabeth
and that made me feel super guilty. So I conjured the biggest smile I could manage, to reassure her once more.

She returned it with her signature, goofy, half smiles and asked, “Really? You promise?”

I laughed, “Really, really.” I said pushing away my ‘woe is me’ attitude. “So, what do you want to do first?” I asked with the perfect amount of bubbliness.

“Let’s just walk around.” She said, linking her arm through mine.

I didn’t mind the added body warmth, it was chilly out and my coat didn’t seem to be helping any.

“I’m so glad your back.” She sighed, laying her head on my shoulder.

Elizabeth St. Clair has been my closest and longest friend since as far back as I could remember.

Which really didn’t mean anything anymore
, I added sourly.

It didn’t matter that we were complete opposites in every way, in fact that just seemed to bring us closer together. Elli was shy and quiet, around everyone but me, and that was my favorite thing about her. Her curly hair was anything but ordinary, with naturally perfect, blonde highlights. She had chocolaty, brown eyes and her fair skin stood out considerably, next to my inherited tanned completion, but it went along perfect with ou
r
day and night comparison. She was tall and thin whereas I was tall and curvy, the result of entirely different genetics. Nobody understood our bond, but she was my best friend, and I knew I could always turn to her.

Until now,
I thought to myself. I wasn’t angry
,
but I felt sad, and completely alone.

I wanted so badly to tell her about everything that was happening to me: about the images that haunted my dreams every night, the strange things I was feeling, and about my wolf. Mostly I wanted to tell her about my wolf.

I dreamt of him every night as well. In fact he was never far from my thoughts, and even when I wasn’t thinking about him, he was still there, in the back of my mind. He haunted me the most and I didn’t understand why. If I wasn’t waking up drenched in sweat, from nightmares of memories that I couldn’t tell were mine or not; I was waking up sobbing for him, until I finally cried myself back to sleep. Every tear was a reminder of what I had done.

I told myself it was all because of my guilty conscious. Guilt was what chained me to his memory, and punished me with these feelings of depression and mourning. Leaving him had nearly killed me & considering how many times I had
almost
died that night, what was one more occurrence? He saved my life, and I left him there to suffer; hurting and alone. Arm twisting reasons –I called them Andres- had literally forced me to walk away. Now none of those explanation
s
seemed worth enduring the guilty thoughts that ran through my head at what I left him there to face. Ever since then, those maddening, blue eyes visited me non-stop. I couldn’t think of one single thought that didn’t eventually lead to him.

I
ached
for him.

The more time that went by with no signs of letting go of him, the more I learned that guilt didn’t come with an expiration date. I had come to terms with the fact that this would be my permanent judgment. I was perfectly willing to carry out my sentence without, any hope of getting off early for good behavior. It was easy to sulk around the house, and just for Andres benefit I added a little bit of exaggeration to my mood. I was beginning to think that he knew a lot more then he was trying to lead me to believe, and that made me suspicious about everything.

Our relationship these days was stretched to its limits, and that was putting it nicely. Just saying it was strained was an understatement, saying it was horrible didn’t quite fit either. It was hard to swallow the doubt I was feelings toward him, and it was made worse by the endless memories I had of him. I had adored him, and I hated that I was using the word
had
, but that was just one more thing that I didn’t have control over, and it sucked monkeys. So until I could let go of my distrust, he was stuck with my cold shoulder.

In the end we were both living with retribution.

“Sara?”

Elizabeth
’s concerned call of my name, had me blinking myself back to reality. I had been so lost in thought, that I hadn’t realized she was talking to me. I turned my head toward her, the soft material of her cashmere cap that was keeping her curls somewhat tamed underneath, brushed against my cheek. She lifted her head and looked at me.

“Hmm,” I said. “I’m sorry Elli, what did you say?”

“Penny for your thoughts?” She asked, with a light tilt of her lips.

I wanted to bust into tears, and I had to blink several times before the urge was no longer stinging the corners of my eyes.

For weeks I was being torn between not wanting to be at home with Andres, and not wanting to - at the same time wanting to- be with
Elizabeth
. I
despised
the fact that I couldn’t talk to her about anything right now, and that made it hard to be around her; but I felt even more horribly alone, when I wasn’t with her. It was a lose/lose situation and it made me angry, and being so angry all the time made me even angrier, which left me as one big anger-ball.

With her I couldn’t, and really didn’t want to, be in such a bad mood, especially when she looked at me with those big worried eyes. It was hard trying to convince her I was fine all the time, when I didn’t even know what that meant anymore. It was even harder when she knew that I was lying to her, but she didn’t pressure me, and that was another layer of guilt added.

Ever since I had run into Elizabeth for the first time and hadn’t recognized her at first, she seemed to wear that hint of hesitation in her watchful eyes; like I was some alien clone that had stolen her best friend, and was trying to take over her life and she was waiting for me to slip up again. For the most part that’s exactly how I felt.

Andres and I had only been back a few days; I had been walking down
Main St.
, alone, in some desperate attempt to remember my life before this whole mess. I had been so lost in thought, I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was walking and I walked right into her. She had looked up at me, stuttering over her apology, smiling. I had been ready to walk right by her, until her eyes had grown wide with surprise, and she squealed in delight, throwing her long arms around me with a failed attempt –from a lack of enthusiasm on my part- to jump up and down together.

When she had finally realized that I wasn’t sharing in the excitement, she untangled herself from me and stepped back. She had a tiny frown on her face that caused the smooth skin between her eyebrows to wrinkle. I could tell that she was surprised by my reaction, and that was quickly replaced with confusion, but hurt and worry caused her eyes to water just a little bit.

“Sara? What’s wrong?” she asked, trying to keep her tone of voice under control.

I wanted to cry, the emotions on her face caused my skin to pale. I could tell by her reaction to seeing me, that I was important to her or her to me? I tried to search my brain for any sort of clue as to whom she was, but I was pulling at a thread of empty memories. That was the story of my life these days. The more I pulled at the string that held everything together, the more I came undone at the seams. Why hadn’t I thought about what I was going to say if someone came up to me? Why had I even left the house?

“You’re scaring me Sara. Why are you staring at me like you don’t know who I am?” She asked and I realized that I had two options; I could answer her or I could turn around and run. I was tired of running so I chose the first.

“I…I…” but all I could do was stutter.

“I’ve been so worried about you! I was planning on sending out an entire army to search for you if I hadn’t gotten a letter from you-“

“
Elizabeth
?!” I hadn’t meant for it to sound like a question, or to shout at her. When she jumped I felt bad, even more so when I tried to hide my smile.

“Of course, silly,” she said, trying not to sound relieved. “Who else would I be?” She smile
d
a goofy, half smile at me, and memories flooded me, until I was overwhelmed by her presence.

“Your hair,” I said, hoping that would explain my reaction to seeing her. I compared the style to my memories. “It’s different.”

“I straightened it. It looks good right?” she didn’t wait for me to respond. “It’s different I know, but I can’t look
that
different.”

“No of course it you don’t, but I was just so lost in thought, and when you came up I…” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Well that’s a relief,” She said. “For a minute there, I thought you had hit your head and forgotten your bestest friend!” She was joking, but she had been closer to the truth than she knew. “Well how are you?!” She demanded with a nervous laugh when I didn’t say anything else.

I opened my mouth, wanting to unload everything that I had been dealing with, but I couldn’t. She
was
my best friend, but nobody, myself included, could handle the magnitude of anything this outrageous, and I wasn’t about to burden her with this.

“Sara?” She had asked, waiting for me to answer.

The longer I had stared at her, the more the memories started to return, it was like watching our friendship on fast forward. We had been inseparable when we were younger, but as the memories flashed, things changed between us. It hadn’t been noticeable at the time, but seeing it this way put a whole different light on the situation. As I got older, we spent less time together, I grew distant from her after each vacation Andres and I took. I would come back and she would ask me questions: where had we gone? Did I see anything interesting? Anything memorable or significant? Odd or out of place?

This time, she didn’t ask me any of those questions.

At the time, I didn’t pay too much attention to the strangeness of her questions, but not there was something about them that confused me.

“Sara? Earth to Sara!”

I focused, realizing it wasn’t the
Elizabeth
from my thoughts calling for my attention. We had stopped walking; she had her hand on my arm with that same look of panic shining behind her eyelashes, as she peered into my face.

“Where did you go? You know, you’ve been doing that a lot lately. I know I’ve asked you a million and fifty times already, and I’m honestly not trying to sound like a broken record, but are you
sure
your
okay
?” Her words came out in a rush.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, sounding sincere without having to try. “I was just thinking how glad I am to be back too.”

She stood there searching my face for a second longer than necessary, before she reluctantly pulled back, accepting my answer.

“Okay.” She said, but I heard the doubtful tone in her voice.

“So,” I said drawling out the ‘O’ “What do you want to do now?”

“I don’t know, let’s just keep walking for a while.” She said, linking her arm through mine again. “Where is Scott?” She asked suddenly, and I groaned inside. I
so
didn’t want to have this conversation.