For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (9 page)

John came out first and kissed my cheek, and after pulling away he looked at me and said, “You look fantastic, something’s different.”

“This dress is new.”

“It’s not that,” he said contemplating. But before he could place it, Rhys came back out to fetch us for dinner.

He was different, his expression morose and serious and I wondered what had changed in mere moments. We sat opposite from each other at the table, and throughout dinner I could see disappointment in his eyes; they weren’t smiling and even when he looked at me they still seemed pining.

We ate a delicious three course Asian meal that Rhys had catered from his favorite restaurant. It was one of the best meals I’d had and the conversation was just as agreeable. Michael discussed costumes and props they’d acquired, as well as other castings they’d done throughout the last two weeks. Rhys’ demeanor became clearer though when Michael mentioned our practices would be one week shorter. Due to all the press the play was gaining, they’d be touring through news stations and interviews, thus limiting our time together.

My heart dropped at the announcement, and when Rhys’ eyes met mine, I suddenly understood. I felt the same disappointment, my expression became sullen, and I hoped that was the reason for his sadness. I contained my emotions; internally my heart was wincing as the night continued with dessert. John and Michael opted to leave together and once they’d parted, Rhys asked if I’d like some tea in the living room before leaving. I agreed, suddenly greedy for any minute I had with him.

I sat on the sofa and crossed my legs, noticing that he studied the muscles in them. He curled into the corner near the opposite end seeming tense as he crossed his ankle over his knee. I couldn’t bear the silence any longer.

“So are you really this well read?” I asked, indicating his bookshelves.

“Yes, I’m not just pleasant to look at,” he joked of our previous texts.

“Apparently not,” I rolled my eyes.

“People tend to think I’m just an actor with a pretty face—”

“You’re not that pretty,” I interrupted jokingly.

“True,” he nodded, smiling for the first time since he left me outside. “But, I like to think I’m intelligent. You learn about yourself when you read, the world, others.”

“I knew you were intelligent, but you only asked if I found you handsome.” He laughed gently, and we continued our playful banter, clearly avoiding the topic that was hurting us both.

After a half hour he leaned forward, placed his hand on my knee, and asked, “Can I drive you home, instead of Bruce?”

I grinned, “Wow. You’re handsome, can read, and you can drive, too. How are you still single?”

“Aren’t you clever?” he asked, extending his hand to me.

CHAPTER SEVEN

B
eing trapped in the car with him was overwhelming. I loved how the proximity allowed me to breathe in his sweet, citric cologne in the air. He opened my door while avoiding my gaze, again nervous unlike I’d ever seen him, and after a few quiet minutes in the car he began, “You know, I don’t invite many into my home, but it was nice having you there.” He paused, looking over at me with vulnerability in his eyes. “As a celebrity, you try leading a normal life, but also have to protect yourself from overzealous fans.”

“The crazies?” I laughed.

“Essentially,” he smirked. “I’m grateful for their support, but it makes closeness difficult.”

“Hmm, you know you took a risk having me over, you don’t know me well enough. I could be crazy...”

He looked over again having stopped at a red light. “I know you well enough. Don’t diminish our time together.”

His tone was clipped, offended, and it made me uncomfortable. Was I diminishing things? And who was it that I was trying to convince? Him or myself?

After turning again his smile returned, though not in full force. “I’d like to know you better, Ellie. I promise that when the show starts, our time doesn’t end.”

How I wished his words would hold true. I knew my addiction to his company wasn’t healthy, but he was irresistible and brought me to life. I’d been trying to convince myself otherwise, but it was clear as day that Rhys made me cheerful.

We arrived at my building shortly after and he parked at a meter, grabbing my door from across the console to keep me inside. “Wait, not yet,” he said.

Blood rushed through my ears, panic settling over the prospect of him kissing me, or telling me something I wasn’t sure I could hear. I wanted to hear it, but I knew I couldn’t handle the honesty in his face. I wondered what his lips tasted like, but only in the darkest corners of my imagination. The reality of it was too scary, too weighted with pressure from myself and my past. He noticed my alarm and put his hand on mine. “Relax, Ellie.” He paused. “You believe me don’t you? I’ve been nothing but truthful from the beginning.”

“I’d like to, but you’re you, and I’m me. I know you’ll be busy, so please don’t feel obligated.”

I pushed him away with my words, not because I didn’t believe him, but because I did. I couldn’t continue feeding myself lies after only two weeks of knowing him.

His face held tight displeasure, his lips pursing angrily. “There’s no obligation. I told you I do things because I want to. It’s disheartening to hear your lack of faith in me.”

“No,” I squeezed his hand. I never touched him, at least not on my own initiation, but he felt it all over, so much so that he looked at our hands and back up at me in surprise. “I do, Rhys. But we’ve had to work together, and while we’ve become friends, we haven’t known each other long. You don’t owe me anything.”

His mouth opened and closed multiple times as he tried gathering his words. When he finally did, they tore into my heart like metal shrapnel from an explosion. “I think we are more than you claim. How many people have you told about Aaron since you’ve moved here?”

I knew he was proving his point, and he was right, but I hated that he used it against me. Pulling my hand from his arm, I recoiled from him as my eyes betrayed my imagined composure and watered. Anger settled as I regretted sharing myself with him, only to have it shot back as ammunition. I got out of the car immediately without looking back, and I could hear him following me into the building.

His steps weren’t far behind as I hit the first landing and he said, “Ellie, you know I’m right.”

I ignored him, continuing up the steps so roughly that I almost fell and had to stop to remove my shoes. He continued through the hallway, “I’m not just some friend you can toss aside because you’re afraid to lose me. I’m not just someone that’ll forget about you. I can’t forget about you, you must know this even after our short time.”

Unlocking my door, I turned to look at him. His voice was harsh, winded from the steps, and vulnerable. But I didn’t give in. “Rhys, I’m really tired, it’s fine—”

He interrupted me, “I’m sorry, please.”

“Thanks for dinner and for driving me,” I said, ignoring his apology.

“Ellie, please,” he begged for pardon, regret churning in his blue eyes that seemed darker. I stepped into my apartment and said, “Goodnight, Rhys,” before closing the door.

Peeking through the peephole, I watched him pace back and forth through the hall before he yelled, “Fuck!” It shocked me, surprised me to see he was angry enough to shed his unreasonably polished demeanor. After a few moments he left, walking far enough away where I couldn’t see him, and I lay on the couch, clutching all my pillows as I wept myself to sleep.

∞

Idiotically, I’d trusted someone. I did what I swore I wouldn’t and was dealing with the side effects. I think what hurt the most was that Rhys had used my flaw as a weapon. He probably hadn’t meant to be harsh, but knowing he used my most personal fears and pain against me made me furious. I woke up on my couch at around 3:00 a.m., having to change out of my wrinkled dress and wash off my make-up that had smeared across my cheeks. When I lay in bed I didn’t cry anymore, but I missed Aaron more than ever. I was bitter that life had stolen my future; that he’d left me behind to fend for myself as damaged goods.

No one would ever understand me, my baggage or how incomplete I felt without the other piece of my soul, and I knew if Aaron were there he would have comforted me, having always been the best at making me feel better. He was my person. He knew what to feed me, how to hold me, the little comforts that soothed my troubles at the end of the day. He understood when I needed pushing or when it was better to remain quiet and listen. I think that’s what I longed for most, the familiarity you gain when you’ve grown with someone. It felt wasted, gone forever, and if I ever allowed myself to love again, I’d have to start from the beginning. I didn’t just miss Aaron, I missed how I felt having someone on my team every second of the day.

I slept for most of Sunday, grateful that I didn’t have to see Rhys until Tuesday. He had texted me first thing in the morning, the chime bringing me out of the bathroom with the toothbrush still in my mouth. My heart simultaneously jumped and dropped upon seeing his name on the screen.

Rhys: Ellie, I can’t tell you how bad I feel. I didn’t sleep last night and I know I’ve been the worst shit. Please let me know you’re okay, that we’re okay?

I didn’t answer it, putting it back on my nightstand and eating breakfast instead. Afterward, I watched chick flicks on the couch and must have fallen asleep because I awoke to a loud knock on the door. Jolting up, I caught my bearings and checked through the peephole. No one was there, but when I opened it I found a box with a card on it, brought it in and quickly opened it.

Ellie,

I feel like a fool. I mistakenly hurt someone that I’ve felt closer to than ever before. I took my frustrations out on you, knowing that our time was cut short and broke your trust. I know you have those walls up for good reason, but it’s hard to be close with you when it feels you’re always pushing me away. I know you’re protecting yourself, but you needn’t protect yourself from me. I care for you. You can trust me. Meeting you has been such a heartfelt happening, and I’m not going anywhere. Please forgive my idiocy, it won’t happen again.

Your friend,

Rhys

P.S. enjoy the cakes. They’re from my favorite bakery.

“When thou dost ask me blessing, I’ll kneel down, and ask of thee forgiveness.” - King Lear, Act 5, Sc 3

Realizing how immensely he cared for me made me come off as irrational. He hadn’t lied since he’d met me and I had no reason to doubt him. Worst of all he knew exactly what I was doing, proving that he knew me better than I gave him credit for. How was it that after two weeks he understood it all? His delivery was sweet, as were the cupcakes inside, and I thought it was clever that he had included a Shakespeare quote. Obviously, Rhys knew how to butter me up, but no matter what he’d done, I still felt hesitant to talk about Aaron ever again. The damage had scared my open heart and settled into my brain, and I wasn’t sure I could forget it. Maybe if I talked to him about it, he would understand.
I texted him a while after to let him off the hook.

Me: Thanks for everything, but especially the apology.

Rhys: Can I come by in an hour? I’d like to see you.

Me: Sure, why don’t we meet at the park?

∞

Facing him didn’t seem like the best idea, but my heart couldn’t resist. In choosing the park, I hoped to gain some middle ground, a place where I didn’t feel trapped by his presence while exposing the mess my apartment had become in misery. Forgiving him was one thing, but was continuing to see him practical? Probably not, especially because I couldn’t stop obsessing over him, wondering if he was attracted to me, or what his lips would feel like on my skin. The effect he’d had in just two weeks couldn’t end well if I continued seeing him, especially if I was picturing his mouth on mine. Yet I still agreed to my infatuation, because after two miserable years, Rhys was the only therapy that worked.

We agreed to meet by the
Peter Pan
statue in Hyde Park, and I approached him on the path noticing his head hung low. Hearing my footsteps, he looked up at me with glassy blue eyes and the saddest smile. It physically hurt seeing him that way. He wasn’t his chipper self, the light in his eyes gone, replaced with some somber emotion I couldn’t name. He seemed vacant when he waved his hand pathetically and mouthed, “Hi.”

“Hi,” I said aloud. Rhys crept toward me having become impatient while waiting for me to close the distance. He wanted to hold me, to embrace me closely, but hesitated. Instead, he placed his hand on my cheek, causing me to hold my breath. All I could think was that he better not kiss me. As many times as I’d imagined it, I was nowhere near ready. I don’t know if he read the fear in my eyes, or if he wasn’t planning on it, but he didn’t. He just gazed at me and held my face with kindness.

Finally, he leaned closer, apologizing with his hands around my back both caressing and firmly holding on. His masculine hands and long fingers felt so welcome against me. I had forgotten what it was like to be held. I forgave him earlier, but I really forgave him then, feeling his heart beating against mine through our chests, our breaths in unison like rising and falling waves of the ocean.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” I said softly into his shoulder.