For Nicky (3 page)

Nicky spent 2-3 nights a week with me and often brought a friend to play video games.  Nicky walked or rode his bike places. He and my parents were just not ok with him driving.  It made him nervous so he was perfectly content with his own feet or two wheels or someone else driving him around.  Nick loved my Jeep. It was the usual red and black that most people think of when they hear Jeep. I could take the top down or leave it up. Nick loved when I left the top down.

I loved the nights when Nicky stayed over.  We’d drive his friend home after pizza, pop, and video games.  Then we’d just hang out and talk.  I loved listening to Nick tell stories of his day at work or the community center.  The first time I heard the name Miss Elizabeth was the first time Nicky brought a book to my apartment and told me he wanted to practice reading it to me.  He said that Miss Elizabeth, the new librarian at the center, had helped him pick it out and she was excited to hear him read some of it to her, so he had to practice.  I helped him read it and we settled on a part that he could rehearse and read to her.  Nick wasn’t that poor of a reader, he just did better with some practice so that his fluency could improve. After that, I heard “Miss Elizabeth” multiple times each visit.  It wasn’t like a normal guy in his mid-twenties would be talking about a girl.  He didn’t talk about her body or anything in a crass way. Nick thought she was “pretty and nice and smart and she has good books and she’s my friend.”  Nicky didn’t really comprehend attraction to the opposite sex past that at this point. Part of me wondered if he would ever meet someone and fall in love.

When I asked Mom about Miss Elizabeth she went on and on about how gorgeous she is.  Mom told me she’s super sweet and quiet and I must meet her. Mom isn’t known for her subtlety, I got the idea that she had had a few daydreams about me dating this girl. Actually, I get the idea that Mom would be thrilled if I just seriously dated any girl. I’m pretty sure she has some inkling of my “dating” tendencies and she was NOT fond of my practices. Nicky wanted so badly to introduce me to his friend, Miss
Elizabeth, as well.  I couldn’t tell who was more infatuated with Miss Elizabeth, Mom or Nicky. So, I decided to meet this Miss Elizabeth soon.  For Nicky.

I grew up in the shadow of my younger sister, Audrey Marie.  There’s only 10 months difference between us (a little impatient weren’t you, Mom and Dad?!).
Kidding….sort of.  But, seriously, my father wanted to wait to have kids until he’d moved up the ranks in the Army, so I think they had me and then went ahead and tried for #2 right away since they were both in their late, late 20’s already and all my mom wanted to do was have kids.  I’ve always felt that I never got to figure out who I was because Audrey came along so soon and I was overshadowed from that point on.  Audrey was a show-stealer from the moment she arrived on the scene.

Then, when Audrey and I were 10 and 11, our mother died from a massive heart attack that no one had even seen coming. My mother had always been a runner and kept very fit with various other activities. She cooked fairly healthy foods for us. From what we knew, there wasn’t a family history of heart disease on her side. So, for her to go to bed one night and never wake
up, was very shocking. Sadly, my dad was the one who found her. He had gotten up to get ready for his day and was concerned that Mom didn’t already have his coffee ready; Mom always got up with him to get him on his way before waking Audrey and I. That day is a vivid blur in my mind, a total contradiction.  I remember so much of it, yet I feel like I remember nothing. I do, however, remember that our lives changed drastically that day. And not for the better.

Being 11 years old, with a handful of a little sister, and a military father walking around bouncing between being a zombie or barking orders at us like we were his soldiers, all while missing your mother, is enough to cause anyone stress.  I handled my stress by retreating more into myself, while Audrey hid her pain, but showed the world the rest of
herself. Usually the worst of herself.  My dad, he handled his stress by drinking, crying when he thought I wasn’t watching, screaming at my sister and I when he was having a bad day, inviting buddies over to play poker, and sleeping off hangovers in hopes of surviving.

Audrey has always been a little spitfire and super bubbly and outgoing.  She’s a little too into herself, and she doesn’t always stop to think about how her words or actions may hurt others.  Ok, that’s putting it nicely….Audrey is a complete bitch to me most of the time. Why? Who knows?! I think she’s definitely insecure which is why she’s so over the top with everything trying to prove how great she is. Audrey had the same upbringing as me and we were practically the same age when Mom died, but Audrey seemed to bury all the good parts of
herself after Mom’s death and only let the bad girl side out for people to see. Maybe the bad side of Audrey felt more confident?

Audrey is the exact opposite of me.  She’s loud and social, I’m quiet and shy. She wants people around all the time, I like time alone.  She dresses in loud colors and tight
clothes, I prefer soft colors and comfy clothes.  She’s a party planner, I’m a librarian.  We couldn’t be more night and day, but I love her.  I do get upset with how she treats me and others sometimes.  It’s not that she’s TRYING to be mean, she just gets too focused on herself and sometimes those around her are the collateral damage.  Who am I kidding? I need to stop making excuses for her. Audrey is a mean girl and she DOES try to hurt those around her. I think it’s so she can cover up her own hurting. Audrey is hungry for control and power over everyone in her life, but especially me.

I have loved books since the first stories my mother ever read to me.  At 25 years-old, I’ve moved around more than I care to remember.  My dad being in the Army meant we moved a lot. Sometimes every 1-2 years it seemed.  Dad always chose to live in officer housing on the bases that we moved to. Luckily, we always had great neighbors for us to be friends with when Mom was alive. Mom never seemed to need help from neighbors, she always seemed to take everything in stride and handle it all on her own; I suspect, now that I’m older, we just didn’t realize she needed help or recognize that neighbors were helping more than we thought when Dad was away. After Mom died, we continued the streak of great neighbors and they were always ready to help out the widowed Captain Decker with his two girls. And Dad was always in need of help with us; he was usually too drunk to take care of us. It wasn’t until he retired that Dad admitted to his drinking problem and finally got sober. He doesn’t talk much about the past or his recovery; I never knew what changed that led him to stop drinking, but I was grateful that he had gotten help. I just wish it had happened sooner.

As expected, with each move, Audrey would always fit right in and I would step further into her shadow.  But, no matter where we moved, I always had books to turn to.  Books could take me to other worlds.  Books allowed me to become someone else instead of Audrey’s plain, quiet, older sister.  Books allowed me to escape the pain of having a sister who hated me and treated me terribly. Books helped me escape the sadness of losing my mother so suddenly and at such a young age. Books allowed me to forget the friends I had to leave constantly, seemingly after I’d just met them. Books allowed me to escape my depressed father and the sadness that seemed to hover in whatever house we lived in. So, after high school, I went to college for a degree in Media Technology, the new term for librarian.

After college, I lived with my father for a while and saved up some money while working at the local library as an assistant.  When my father retired and moved to a little suburb called Torey Hope, Illinois, I went with him.  I applied at the local community center which was looking for a librarian and I got the job.  This place is wonderful and it’s my dream come true!  They have trade school classes for high school students and they offer life skills and social skills classes for students.  I run the whole library program there now.  ME! I’m in charge of the books we purchase, the activities we offer, which speakers and programs are brought in, and fundraisers for bringing in money to supplement our budget.  Plus, the best part of my whole job is working with the students.  I read to different groups of students who are all differently abled to some degree.  I also get to offer different activities, speakers, programs, and shows for their interests and levels.  The best part, though, is helping them pick out books they are able to read so they will be successful.  I keep records on their interests and reading levels so that I can pick up certain books if I see them on sale.  Truly, this job is the most perfect job I could have ever dreamed of. I LOVE the students.  I enjoy most of my coworkers.  I had saved enough money for a down payment and first few months of rent and utilities and I make enough money now to keep up with rent on my own little apartment.  I don’t have a car just yet, but I enjoy walking or riding my bike to and from work.  I’m only a few blocks from work so, even in the winter, a walk won’t kill me.  Or I could always take the bus.  I purposely got a one-bedroom apartment knowing Audrey would never deem herself lowly enough to sleep on my couch so I don’t have to deal
with more than just a few evening visits.  Audrey is truly exhausting. I am utterly thrilled with my life; beautiful town, fabulously perfect job, family nearby, and a few coworkers I may one day call friends.

Notice anything missing from that list of my perfect life? 
Yeah, me too.  I don’t date.  Well, that’s not true, I dated once. It was a massive failure. So, now I don’t date. It’s not that I don’t want to date, but I’m pretty gun shy after what happened. Most of the guys always noticed Audrey first and she’d always make sure they knew I was a freaky weirdo. Those were her words, not mine, but over the years she’s made me believe them. The boys who MAY have liked me were scared away by Audrey or the stories she told about me. My first kiss ended up being the one guy I dated. Audrey knew I wanted to be kissed (I was way past sweet 16 with NO lip lock action) and she had pried out of me that I thought Austin Douglas was cute.  She set us up to meet at the park.  We were both nervous, but I was so excited thinking Austin may like me rather than Audrey.  Every boy liked Audrey and she liked ALL of them—athletic, popular, bad boys, good boys, she didn’t care.  While I hadn’t been kissed yet, Audrey had been doing A LOT more than kissing by age 16.  I hated that the school gossip was that Audrey slept with pretty much any boy willing (and they were ALL willing!) and I hated more that I knew it wasn’t just gossip.  One good thing about moving around so much was that Audrey got a new slate with each move.  Too bad she also got a fresh batch of boys to toy around with.  Audrey had no desire to fall in love.  She just wanted fun and sex (preferably together).  She was always careful and never promised the boys more than a good time.  Heck, from what I saw in the back of a pickup truck one night, she promised both boys AND girls a good time.  I never asked Audrey about that night, but let’s just say there were too many arms, legs, and boobs to have been just one guy and one girl.

And, yet, I was 17 with not so much as a kiss.  So, Austin Douglas and I walked a while in the park and made small talk.  I didn’t know how this was supposed to lead to a kiss, but Audrey had said it would work.  When we came to a shaded area, Austin gently backed me up to a tree.  My heart was about to knock out of my chest and I was having trouble breathing.  Should I close my eyes? Audrey didn’t tell me much other than, “Remember, tongue can be fun!” Austin leaned in and I saw his dark brown eyes close as I closed my own grey-green eyes.  I felt his breath on my face and I smelled
the gum he’d just spit out (um, gross!) His lips brushed against mine softly.  After a few seconds, he increased the pressure of his mouth on mine and I was beginning to feel like I’d been cheated of this wonderful thing called kissing.  I put my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer to him.  Something hard nudged my lower hip.  Holy moly!  Was that what I think it was?  Austin’s tongue clumsily pushed its way into my mouth.  Eeeewww! It was slimy and fat; tongue is NOT fun my dear Audrey. When I pulled back a little, Austin stopped and backed away.  I began to stammer a little and he chucked me on the shoulder and told me he had somewhere to be.

The next day, I was surprised when Austin asked me if I wanted to go out with him.  I agreed. Looking back, I probably should have questioned his motive, but no guy had ever shown interest in me and I thought he was super cute, so we became a couple. Audrey would always ask me about things that Austin and I did together or things I wanted to do. In hindsight, it should have seemed weird that I’d mention something I wanted to do and the next day or two would bring Austin doing just what I’d talked about. She did this with mundane every day type things like which movies I wanted to see and which restaurants I wanted to go to; she also did this with more intimate things. For instance, she’d ask if I had ever given a blowjob and the next day or two would bri
ng Austin asking for a blowjob, which I never had any desire to do. Or Audrey would smile in that sly way that only she can pull off and say, “Do you let Austin finger you? Oh my God! You’ve not let him touch you there yet, have you?!” Then by week’s end, Austin would be shoving his hand down my pants and introducing me, albeit clumsily and anticlimactically, to the finer points involved in fingering me.

Austin and I dated throughout my senior year. He was a decent boyfriend, although I had nothing to compare it to; we went out on regular dates, spent time with some friends, went to school functions, and made out. I don’t know if the kissing got any better or if I just got used to it. It sure wasn’t the sparks and heat like you read about in romance novels, but it’s what everyone was doing so I went with it. Audrey started nagging me about having sex with Austin. She would tell me that if I didn’t hook up with him, he’d find it somewhere else because guys have needs and I should be keeping my guy satisfied. So, of course, being the unsure, overshadowed sister, I started thinking that maybe I should follow Audrey’s advice. Having a mother or mother figure to talk to
at this point in my life would have been very welcome, but my mother was gone and Captain Decker definitely wasn’t dating, so I was left to my own decision making skills, along with Audrey’s sage wisdom. Not a good combination!

Basketball Homecoming my senior year was special because we’d actually been at this school for the whole school year and it looked like I’d get to graduate with these classmates!  Austin and I had fun dancing at Homecoming and he seemed really pleased with himself when he told me that we could go to his cousin’s house because no one would be home. I wasn’t really totally on board with this, but Audrey’s words rang in my ears about losing him, so I agreed to go. He said we could watch movies and do whatever else we wanted. As a grown woman now, I truly wish I could go back and give my 18 year-old self some advice and NOT worry about losing Austin. But, as it is, the experience helped to shape me into who I am today, and I’m pretty proud of that person. So, I look at it as a life lesson.

Once we got to Austin’s cousin’s house, Austin started making out with me. We’d done this numerous times but he seemed a little more frenzied tonight. He was groping at me more than ever and I was shocked when he ripped my panties to the side and shoved a finger inside me. He told me all the things I thought I needed or wanted to hear, I was hot, I was making him so hard, he made it seem like I had some sort of power in the situation. I felt a little heady with all that was going on and I decided that we could take this a little further than we’d ever gone. I helped him out of his shirt and pants while he unzipped and lowered my dress. Parts of my mind registered that we were in his cousin’s living room and that this wasn’t exactly how I’d pictured my first time. But, I had decided this was my senior year and I was going to keep my boyfriend. Again, grown-up me is shaking my head in disappointment and embarrassment, but these are things you learn as you gain life experiences. Austin kneaded at my breasts, nipped at my nipples, and shoved not one but two fingers inside me this time. I kept thinking that this was supposed to be a little more romantic and loving but since it was my first time I figured maybe it would get better. Austin laid me down on the couch and then dug around in his pants pockets for a condom to put on. I do have to commend him on that decision because I would have never spoken up and asked him to put one on. He positioned himself between my legs. I knew it would hurt and it did. I kept thinking that the pain would subside, but it didn’t. I wanted to like this, I really did, but it was just terrible. It hurt, it was awkward, and I felt like I was doing something wrong since Austin was so obviously enjoying it. Well, I mean, I think he was enjoying it if his grunts, groans, sweating, and his repeated, “Oh, baby” were any indication. I laid there until he was finished and every single thought that ran through my mind centered around, “What. The. Fuck. Was. That?!”