Forever...: a novel (11 page)

"Fine."

"See you then."

"Right … bye."

That night I got into bed early and read all the pamphlets. When I'd finished I thought, well, I can start a service in school I know so much, which might not be a bad idea, considering there is a girl in my gym class who, until this year, never knew that intercourse was how you got pregnant, and she's already done it!

The next morning, during study hall, I went to the phone booth near the office and called Planned Parenthood of New York City. The phone rang three times before anyone answered. Either it was very hot in the booth or I was nervous because all of a sudden I was sweating like crazy.

"Hello … can I help you?"

"Yes," I said, coughing twice. "I'd like some information about birth control … that is, about getting it."

"One moment please … "

She connected me with someone else. "You wish to make an appointment?"

"I guess so."

"May I ask your age?"

"Does it matter?"

"No … we don't require parental permission … but if you're a teenager we have special sessions."

"Oh … I'll be eighteen in two weeks."

"Then you could come in this Thursday at 4:00."

"I was hoping I could get an appointment for Friday. You see, I live in New Jersey and I'll be in the city then."

"Hold on a minute, please." I heard a click. After a few seconds she came back on the line. "Friday afternoon will be fine."

"Oh, that's great."

"Your name, please?"

"Katherine Danziger."

"Would you spell the last name?"

"D-a-n-z-i-g-e-r."

"Very good … come to the Margaret Sanger Clinic at 22nd Street and 2nd Avenue at 3:00."

"Thank you … Ill be there."

On Friday morning my father asked me if I needed any money for my day in New York.

"I've got some saved up," I told him.

"Then use this for train fare," he said, handing me a five.

"Thanks, Dad."

"And have a nice day."

Going to a private screening with Juliette Small is a lot different than just going to the movies. This was the third time she'd invited me to join her. I like Mrs. Small. She acts like a regular person. You would never know she's famous. There were about twenty-five other people at the screening, besides us, and Erica said most of them were reviewers, like her mother.

After the picture Mrs. Small asked me, personally, what I thought of it.

"Well … " I told her, "I just love Robert Red-ford."

"Don't we all … " Mrs. Small said, "but I mean about the story."

"Oh, the story … I liked it … "

"But … "

"I don't think it could happen that way in real life … "

"Exactly!" she said. "But you wanted it to, didn't you … you were hoping it would turn out just that way."

"Yes," I told her.

"You see … that's the whole point."

"It's going to be a smash," Erica said.

"In spite of my review, you mean?"

"In spite of anybody's review."

"I agree with you, completely," Mrs. Small said. She got into her coat. "Well, that wraps it up … I'm yours for the rest of the day. Where shall we begin … the Guggenheim, the Whitney … "

"How about lunch?" Erica said.

"You're hungry already?"

"Famished … "

"Then lunch it is. Kath, want to join us?"

"Oh, thanks … but I'm meeting my grandparents."

"Of course … Erica did tell me that … how are they?"

"Just fine."

"Good … send them my love, will you?"

"I will. And thanks a lot for the show. I really enjoyed it." Outside, I grabbed a cab and gave the driver the address of Basil's. It's my grandparents' favorite restaurant—a very small East Side place where Basil, the owner, will fix special dishes for his regular customers, like Grandpa, who's on a low sodium diet.

They were waiting for me in a booth, in the back, where they like to sit Grandpa looked pale. I kissed him on the cheek, then hugged Grandma. She was wearing a big yellow felt hat "Hey … I like that," I told her.

"It hides my hair," she said. "Whenever I need a shampoo I wear it." Basil took our order himself and when I asked him about the special of the day, Chicken Kiev, he whipped out his pencil and drew a picture of it for me, right on the tablecloth, all the time explaining exactly how it's prepared. After that I felt I had to order it

"So … " Grandma said, when Basil had finished with us, let me get a good look at you." She narrowed her eyes and inspected me. I tried to keep a straight face. Finally she said, "Wonderful … glowing … "

"Oh, Grandma … people don't really glow … that's such a silly expression."

"What do you mean people don't really glow? Of course they do. Don't be embarrassed … it's very becoming." She looked across the table at Grandpa. "Doesn't she glow, Ivan?"

"To me, Katherine always glows," Grandpa said slowly.

"It must be love," Grandma said. I could tell I was blushing, even though I didn't want to. Grandpa raised his water glass. "To love … " he said.

Grandma clinked her glass against his. To love … "

After dessert, Grandma and I went to the Ladies' Room. I thought about telling her that I have a 3:00 appointment at the Margaret Sanger Clinic. I knew she'd be pleased. But I decided against it because I want it to be my own experience, one I don't have to share with anyone, except Michael. We said goodbye to Basil and went outside. It had turned very warm, like a beautiful spring day.

"Whew … " Grandma said, unbuttoning her coat. I'm going back to the office for an hour. I have some work to finish … "

I checked my watch. "Well … I guess I'll be taking off now. I have a lot of shopping to do." I kissed them both goodbye. "Thanks for lunch." Grandpa hugged me extra hard. I watched as Grandma helped him into a cab, then I started walking. There's something about walking in New York that really appeals to me, especially on a bright sunny day. I took off my jacket and hung it over my arm. I felt like smiling at everyone on the street even though I know you shouldn't do that in New York. It could lead to big trouble.

15

I got to the clinic at 2:45. I went inside and gave my name to the receptionist. There were seven other people in my group session, including two young couples. First we had a general discussion with a physician and a social worker. They explained all the methods of birth control. You could ask questions if you wanted. I didn't.

Next came a private session called Personal Counseling—just me and a social worker. She was young and very pretty with long hair, tied back, and tinted glasses. Her name was Linda Kolker. I wondered if she was sexually experienced and decided she must be or else she wouldn't have the job. We talked about the weather and my family for a minute and then she asked me my reason for coming to the clinic.

I told her, "I think it's my responsibility to make sure I don't get pregnant." She nodded and said, "Do you have one special boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"Have you discussed this with him?"

"Not really."

"How do you think he'll feel about it?"

"I'm sure he'll be very happy. He approves of birth control."

"But coming here was all your idea?"

"Yes … absolutely."

"Good. Some of the questions I have to ask you are rather personal, Katherine … so that we can determine what method of birth control will be best for you."

"I understand."

"Have you already had sexual intercourse?"

"Yes."

"Have you been using a birth control device?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

"A rubber … that is, a condom."

"Combined with foam or by itself?"

"By itself."

"And you find that method unacceptable?"

"Well … it's hard for me to say because we just did it one time."

"Oh … I see … "

Now I nodded.

"But you plan to have intercourse regularly?"

"Yes."

"About how often?"

"How often?" I repeated.

"Yes … how often do you plan to have intercourse?"

"Well … I don't know exactly."

"Would you say weekends and holidays or every day or once a month or a few times a year?"

"I guess on weekends mainly."

"Do you think you'll know in advance or will it be a spontaneous decision?"

"I guess I'll know in advance."

"Okay … so much for that. I'll need a little medical history now. How old were you when you began to menstruate?"

"Almost fourteen."

"And are your periods regular?"

"Sort of … I get it every four to five weeks."

"And how long does each period last?"

"About five days."

"Any bleeding in between periods?"

"No."

"Vaginal discharge?"

"Sometimes."

"Color?"

"Just clear."

"That's normal … any severe cramping?"

"No … just some low back pain the first day … nothing bad."

"How about your mother … is she in good health?"

"Yes, she's fine."

"Does she take birth control pills?"

"No … she uses a diaphragm."

"Quite a good method if it's used properly."

I'd rather take the Pill."

"Yes … it has esthetic advantages but it's not the answer for everyone." I guess I must have looked unhappy when she said that because she added, "Well see what the doctor has to say … okay? The whole idea of coming here is to find the birth control device that best suits the individual." I nodded again.

"Now then … I need your written consent for the gonorrhea culture … " She hesitated for a moment, then added, "It's simple and painless."

"But I can't possibly have gonorrhea," I told her.

"There's always a possibility … and it's often difficult for the woman to tell … "

"But Michael … besides … "

"Look … it only takes a few seconds and it's so much safer to be sure … "

"All right," I said, deciding it was easier to agree. I signed my name. I tried not to think of Michael and that girl on the beach in Maine.

"Good," she said, standing up. She held out her hand and I shook it. "I'll see you after your physical, Katherine."

"Okay," I said. "And thank you."

My physical consisted of weight and blood pressure, a routine breast exam, with the doctor explaining how I should check my breasts each month, then my first pelvic examination. I tried to act as if I was used to it, but I didn't fool the doctor, who said, "Try to relax, Katherine. This isn't going to hurt." And it didn't either, but it was uncomfortable for a minute, like when he pushed with one hand from inside and with the other from outside.

Then he slipped this cold thing into my vagina and explained, "This is a vaginal speculum. It holds the walls of the vagina open so that the inside is easily seen. Would you like to see your cervix?"

"I don't know … "

"I think it's a good idea to become familiar with your body." He held a mirror between my legs and I looked down while he explained what I was seeing. It reminded me of the time that Erica taught me to use tampons. I had to hold a mirror between my legs then too, to find the right hole.

"That's interesting," I told the doctor. "Yes … the human body never ceases to amaze me." He took the mirror away and I lay back on the table.

"I'm almost done now, Katherine … just a Pap smear … there," he said, passing a long Q-tip kind of thing to his assistant. "And the gonorrhea culture … okay … that does it." He took off his rubber glove.

"Now … do you have any preference concerning birth control devices?"

"Yes," I told him. "I'd like to try the Pill."

"I don't see any reason why you shouldn't … you're in excellent health … get dressed now and Ms. Kolker will see you back in her office."

"How did it go?" she asked.

"Oh, it was nothing," I told her.

"Here's your prescription." She passed it across her desk, then gave me a two-month supply of pills with instructions, making sure I understood every detail. We also discussed possible side-effects, in which case I am to call the clinic immediately.

I took a taxi to Penn Station and caught the 5:17 train. I couldn't wait to tell Michael my news. But when I got home my mother said, "Michael called … he's got the flu."
16

Two days later I came down with the same bug. My temperature went up to 104°. I could barely swallow, my head hurt something awful and I was so weak and dizzy I couldn't make it to the bathroom by myself. The doctor prescribed aspirin, bed rest and plenty to drink. I felt like I was dying.