Forever...: a novel (15 page)

"But it's only the middle of June."

"I know … she was two weeks early."

"Is she okay?"

"Fine … so's the baby."

"I'm glad."

"Me too … see you tomorrow."

Erica and I went to visit Sybil in the hospital. Instead of going directly to her room we stopped off at the nursery first. Babies are on view twice a day, during afternoon and evening visiting hours. You can watch them through the glass wall. Sybil's baby had a headful of black hair and was fast asleep.

"What do you think?" Erica asked.

"She's very small."

"They all are."

"Yeah … I guess so."

"Do you think she looks like Sybil?" Erica said.

"I can't tell … they're not at their best until they're a few months old."

"I know … new ones look all shriveled up and distorted."

"I suppose if it's yours, you feel different," I said.

"Do you think just having a baby automatically makes you love it?"

"I'm not sure … you might have to learn to love it, like any other person." We brought Sybil a bouquet of daisies. I arranged them in a disposable vase, the way I do when I'm working at the hospital. She was expecting us since Erica had phoned earlier to make sure she wanted company.

"Hi … " she said, and before either one of us had a chance to say anything she began to talk. "I want you to know it was no big deal … those movies showing women screaming in labor are plain bullshit … there's nothing to it … you just push and push and finally the baby pops out … to tell you the truth I don't even remember that much about it except there was this very nice guy standing over me and every time a strong contraction started he gave me a whiff of gas … did you see her yet? Isn't she adorable? Oh, thanks for the daisies … I love daisies … you know tonight's my graduation … I really planned to be there … but you can't fight Mother Nature … they're going to mail me my diploma … did I tell you I've decided to take off fifty pounds and go to Smith?" She stopped to take a breath and Erica and I looked at each other.

"I'm getting an IUD so I won't get pregnant again because I've no intention of giving up sex … but the next time I have a baby I want to make sure I can keep it … did you see how much hair she has? My mother says it will probably all fall out and her regular hair will be completely different." She sighed, then smiled at us. "Thanks for coming. I'm glad you did. Are you going to Michael's graduation?" She directed

this question to me.

"Yes."

"Then you'll hear them call my name."

"I'll clap for you … okay?"

"Sure … for me and Artie," Sybil said. Then she looked up at Erica and shook her head. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'd rather be here than where he is," Sybil said.

"When are you coming home?" Erica asked.

"Day after tomorrow … but I'm supposed to take it easy for a week or two after that."

"Maybe you'll come to the beach with us … "

"Maybe … the baby leaves on Friday with her adoptive parents … I hope she has a good life … " Sybil reached for a tissue and blew her nose. I hoped she wouldn't cry. I already had a lump in my throat.

"I figure two people who really want a kid will take good care of her … don't you think?"

"Sure," Erica said, If s the best way."

'It's not like I could keep her … that wouldn't be fair … "

"You're doing the right thing," I told her, wondering why she hadn't thought about all that before.

"Are you sleeping with Michael?" she suddenly asked me.

"That's a very personal question," I answered.

She nodded. "I could have had an abortion but I wanted the experience of giving birth."

"Could have … should have … " Erica said, "it doesn't matter now … what's done is done."

"I've asked to see the baby one more time," Sybil told us, brightening. "The doctor said I can give her a bottle tonight … I hope they name her Jennifer … "

21

It was a beautiful, clear night and Michael's graduation was held outside. I sat with Sharon and Ike and finally met Michael's parents. His mother took my hand and said, "Well, at last … we've heard so much about you." She had red hair and freckles and wore eye make-up. His father said, "So you're Katherine … "

And I told him, "Yes, I am."

He had a beer belly and a lot of grayish hair and a nice voice, deep, hike a disc jockey's. I choked up when Sybil's name was called, when Artie's wasn't, but should have been, and again when it was Michael's turn to accept his diploma. I kept dabbing my eyes, pretending I had something in one of them, in case Sharon or Ike were wondering.

After graduation there was a party at Michael's, a kind of Open House in the back yard, for his relatives. His mother introduced me to everyone as "Michael's little friend." I didn't much care for that but I wasn't about to say anything.

Sharon handed me a glass of champagne. "I hear you're going to be a tennis counselor this summer."

"Just an assistant."

"Sounds like fun. I'd love to get away for a while."

"What about your trip?"

"That fell through. I can't leave my job right now."

"Oh. That's too bad."

"There'll be other opportunities … "

I sipped my drink. Some of the bubbles went up my nose.

Ike said, "I like your hair that way."

"It's the same as always," I told him.

"Oh … I guess I never noticed." We each took a little hotdog in a blanket as Michael's mother passed with a tray. "You're graduating too, aren't you?" Dee asked.

"Thursday night." I had to answer with my mouth half open because the hotdog was burning my tongue.

"Well … congratulations in advance."

"Thank you."

Sharon wandered off and an uncle of Michael's joined us. "I hear you're going to Denver," he said. I nodded and finished my champagne.

"Wonderful city … plenty of sunshine
.
.. fresh air … "

"Excuse me," Ike said, and left me alone with him.

"You have a lot to look forward to."

"Yes, I know," I said. "You're not from North Carolina, by any chance, are you?"

"No … that's my brother, Stephen."

"Oh." I looked around for Michael.

The uncle picked something out of his teeth, examined it, then flicked it off his finger. "So tell me," he said, "what do you want to do with your life?"

"Do?" I repeated.

"Yes … you've thought about it, haven't you?"

"Sure."

"So?"

"I want to be happy," I told him. "And make other people happy too."

"Very nice … but not enough."

"That's all I know right now." I turned and walked away from him. My parents were asleep when Michael and I got to my house. We locked ourselves into the den, took off our clothes and held each other.

"Let's lie down on the rug," I said.

Michael looked at it. We were used to the sofa.

"For old time's sake … "

"Sure," he said, "why not … "

We stretched out on it, kissing. "Remember the first night we were together on the rug … with the fire … "

"And Erica and Artie in the other room … " Michael said.

"Yes … and after you left and Erica had gone upstairs I sat on the rug for a while thinking that it was very special … that it was ours … " I kissed his ears, running my tongue around the edges. I used my hands on his body while I worked my way down, kissing his neck, his chest, his belly.

"You're aggressive tonight … "

I hadn't thought about that until he said it. I was surprised myself. "Do you mind?"

"I like it."

I lay on top of him, feeling Ralph against my stomach. "Can we try it this way?" I whispered.

"Any way you want," he said.

I straddled him, helping Ralph find the right angle, and when he was inside me I moved slowly—up, down and around—up, down and around—until I couldn't control myself anymore. "Oh, God … oh, Michael … now … now … " And then I came. I came before he did. But I kept moving until he groaned and as he finished I came again, not caring about anything—anything but how good it felt

"Happy graduation … " I laughed. After, we lay in each other's arms and I thought, there are so many ways to love a person. This is how it should be—forever.

My graduation was held indoors at the last minute because of a tremendous thunderstorm that began at 4:30 and lasted for hours, on and off. Each senior was allowed only two tickets for an indoor graduation so Michael had to wait for me at home, with Jamie and my grandparents. He didn't get to see me in my cap and gown.

We had a party at our house too, with a table full of sandwiches, fresh fruits and a big chocolate graduation cake.

The next morning Michael and I left for Long Beach Island. We'd been invited to Erica's house at Loveladies Harbor. It's a two hour trip from Westfield, straight down the parkway. We took turns driving.

Erica's house stands on stilts, right on the beach. From the outside it looks like three boxes—a big one in the middle and two smaller ones on either side. The side of the house facing the ocean is all glass. There's a large living room with a white tile floor and white wicker furniture with green cushions. Then there are two smaller wings, each with two bedrooms and a bathroom. Mr. and Mrs. Small use one wing for themselves. Erica's room is in the other. I was sharing with her and Michael's room was opposite ours. None of us mentioned Artie or the fact that we'd planned this weekend long ago, for the four of us. After lunch we walked up and down the beach, tossing a football around. Erica introduced us to all the summer kids—she's known them for ages. There's a surfing beach a few miles down, in Harvey Cedars, and we sat there for a while, watching a couple of guys trying to catch a wave. We used up a roll of film posing on their surfboards.

That night, after dark, most of the kids we'd met earlier dropped by. One girl brought her guitar and sang for us. Some kids smoked grass but I didn't want to, so Michael drank beer instead, but not enough to get sick. And later, when everyone had gone home and Erica went to bed, Michael and I took a sleeping bag out to the beach and we made love. We woke up at dawn and watched the sun come up together.

Four days later Jamie and I left for camp.

22

Wednesday, June 26

Dear Michael,

Here I am at camp! The bus ride up was bad news. The air conditioning broke after an hour and we sweltered the rest of the way. One kid heaved in the aisle so we had to stop and let everyone out while the staff cleaned up the mess. I am considered staff!

There are 75 campers, all between the ages of 12 and 15 and every one of them is talented in music or art or both, like Jamie. Tennis is the only organized sport here, besides waterfront. The head tennis counselor is called Theo. He told me right off that I will be teaching the kids with less ability. The girls live in a big old house and the boys have a sleeping dorm (a converted barn) and the 15 staff members are scattered around. My room is in the house and my roommate is from Seattle. She's a weaving expert. Her name is Angela and she doesn't believe in shaving any body hair and thinks natural body smells beat deodorant. Don't ask!!!

As soon as we got here, Foxy, the director, called a staff meeting and gave us a big lecture about drugs, which are prohibited. As far as I can tell that's the only rule.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what I'm doing here. I wish I was with you. Only 49 days until we can be together. I hope I live that long.

Love forever,

Kath

Friday night

June 28

Dear Kath,

I just got your letter. I read it eight times. I wish I could be your roommate instead of Angela. As you know I have plenty of deodorant. You wouldn't believe how hot it is here. It's impossible to breathe. I picked up my plane ticket today. I leave Wednesday night. Yesterday I ran into Erica. We were both ordering sandwiches to go at the Robert Treat% Deli. There are a lot of things I would like to tell you but I'm not very good at writing them down. If you were here I'd show you what I mean. I guess you get the picture.

I miss you so much!

Love forever,

Michael

P.S. Ralph also misses you.

Monday July 1

Dear Michael,

I hope you get this before you leave. It rained all day today. This morning I was assigned a co-ed modern dance group. They weren't bad—I was really surprised. I slept all afternoon and I feel better now. I've been so tired since I got here. Do you know it's been eight days since we've been together but

I'm trying hard not to think about that because every time I do I miss you more and more. I have all your pictures taped on the wall above my bed. Angela says you're very natural looking. I think that's supposed to be a compliment. I didn't tell her that you usually wear eyeshadow and color your hair. Ha ha. Yesterday I waterskied and fell down in the middle of the lake. I almost lost my bathing suit. Luckily, only Kerrie was in the boat. She's Australian and is in charge of water sports with her husband, Poe. Jamie says hello.