Forever Love (21 page)

As I drive through the dark Atlanta streets, the only light from the street lights and the moon, I can't help but glance over at Liv, my impossibly beautiful, incredibly sassy, unbelievably damaged girl. I see a slight frown mar her gorgeous face as she turns to me.

"Where are we going?"

She knows, she gotta know. She grew up here and as the monotone voice of the Sat Nav rings out in the car, directing me down a deserted street onto a what looks like a patch of dirt but is apparently a parking lot.

"I don’t feel well Noah, can we go back?"

I switch off the engine, unbuckle my seatbelt and get out the car, not saying a word. I walk round the side, sending prayers to God, Jesus, my Dad, whoever the fuck will listen to me up there, that this won't cost me the only girl I've ever loved, the only I will ever love. She's a shaking mess by the time I reach her door, sweat stuck to her forehead, her breathing simply gasps.

"Hey, calm down, it's ok." I say crouching next to her.

Tears stream down her face, her shoulders shake as sobs wrack her body. Fuck, shit, fuck.

"Please c-can we g-go?" She pleads and my heart breaks, what the fuck have I done?

"Ok." I'm panicking myself now, this isn't how it's supposed to go.

Before I can say another word, she unclasps her seat belt and dives out of the car, pushing me out the way in the process. She heaves and heaves, the contents of her stomach splattering on the ground at her feet. I rush to her sides, grabbing her soft blond hair in my hand. I use my other hand to rub soothing circles on her back, all while mentally slapping myself over and over again.

"Please talk to me, I thought this would help for fucks sake."

She takes gulps of air in as she turns her devastated eyes towards me.

"What do y-you mean, you thought it would h-help?"

The look in her eyes guts me, instead of lust and love like I can usually see, I see betrayal and horror.

"I saw your face at dinner when your Dad mentioned this place Liv." I say, pointing to the wooden arrow sticking in the ground with 'PEACHTREE CREEK' carved in it.

"THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BRING ME HERE?!" She screams, shrugging my hands from her and standing up straight.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I sleep next to you every night, spend every waking minute with you that I can, I know that FUCK!" I grab onto the ends of my hair, part in frustration at this situation, part in panic at the look in her eyes. "Im not a fucking mind reader, let me help you."

"I DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP!"

"Liv-"

"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. This-" She points between herself and me. "Is done. Over. Finished. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it. It’s a mistake, you obviously seem to think you're something special."

I take a deep breath, trying to keep my own tears at bay. Fuck, I don’t think I've shed a single tear since my Dad died and here I feel like the light has been snuffed out in my world.

"I just wanna help you babe."

"Don’t call me that, you have no fucking right to call me that and I don’t need your help. Just stay away from me." Her voice is shaky with the anger she's obviously withholding.

She looks around as if waiting for something to jump out of the bushes at her. I feel like my stomach is in knots, my heart is about to beat out of my chest and my head is gonna explode. I stride towards her and grab her upper arms, not enough to hurt her, just enough to stop her from running or pulling away.

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU! DON’T YOU GET THAT? I LOVE YOU MORE THAN FUCKING ANYTHING BUT I NEED YOU TO OPEN THE FUCK UP!"

Her lip wobbles, tears run down her cheeks and her face scrunches up in pain before she collapses into me sobbing. The strength of her sobs make her whole body shake as I cling onto her like a drowning fisherman clings onto a lifeboat.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." I whisper, over and over again as I run my hand through my hair.

It feels like hours, days even, before she calms down, hiccuping and sniffling. She looks up to me and the pain in her eyes makes me want to scream, the raw pain that cuts me to my very core. She takes a deep breath before standing, me copying her every move. Taking my hand she turns away, leading me to down the dirt road towards the main street, stopping just before the turning and facing a huge ass tree with a single bouquet of flowers taped to it.

"You wanna destroy my monsters?" Her voice is a flat whisper. "You cant, he's already dead."

Chapter 23

Liv

My grip on my Noah's hand has gotta be hurting him, I can't let go through.

"What do you mean he's already dead?"

I stare at the tree with a single bunch of flowers stuck to it, they look fresh so his Mother must have been recently. She put a fresh bunch there every week without fail, has done for the past two years. I stare for what seems like forever, trying to build myself up to utter the words I don’t want to speak.

"I was only fifteen." I say looking at Noah. "I was a freshman and Tommy was a senior, a popular one. You know the type, what am I saying? You are the type. He was handsome, on the football team, practically had girls dropping their panties for him on sight. I didn’t think he'd notice me, I wish he hadn't. I had such a crush on him, I thought that one day he would see me and decide that I was the girl for him, that he would marry me and it'd be like one of those stupid teen movies. Stupid I know but like I said, I was only fifteen. One day he was leaning against my locker, I thought I was gonna faint or some shit but he just looked right at me. He asked me out and I stupidly said yes, I thought that all my dreams were coming true. It was just before Spring Break and one of the guys in his class was having a party before school cut out. I'd never been to a high school party and these parties were legendary, anyone who was anyone would be there. You know, I was so excited. I went shopping for something to wear, went round Trina's for her to do my hair. We danced around the room like only teenage girls could and jumped up and down screaming. It was all planned in our heads, Tommy Benson was gonna fall in love with me and then that would be it. Life would be made."

I close my eyes, thinking back to that time when everything seemed easier, lighter.

"As I was walking out the door, the Bitch told me I couldn’t go. I was used to her restricting me, stopping me from doing stuff I wanted. I think she just wanted me to be as miserable as her. I begged and cried and screamed and she just wouldn’t budge. I texted him and told him I couldn't come and he acted so disappointed. I just thought screw it, she wasn’t gonna stop me. So, I climbed down the trellis under my window and texted him to come pick me up. He was already a little drunk, the smell of beer on his breath made me feel sick. I'd never had a drink before and I hated the smell of it. I thought everything would be perfect and it just wasn’t. I guess the thought of Tommy Benson was better than the real thing. He made me feel uncomfortable, his hand kept lying on my leg and instead of butterflies or whatever, I just felt grossed out. I'd never felt so happy to get out of a car in my life, I just ran into the party leaving him behind. There were people everywhere, I couldn’t move. They were all Seniors and older, I didn’t really know anyone there and all I kept thinking was how much of a mistake it was to come. Just as I was about to leave, walk home and face the Bitches wrath for sneaking out, he grabbed my arm, pulling me into him. He said he needed to talk to me, that it was really important. Even now I don’t know why I agreed to go upstairs with him, he said it was too loud downstairs and that it was really important. I'd already decided that Tommy wasn’t my thing and that this was just a huge mistake. When he pulled me into the bedroom, it didn’t register what was happening at first. Not until he locked the door when my back was turned. I didn’t stand a chance, nobody could hear me, nobody knew. H-he raped me."

I feel Noah tense beside me, his whole body going rigid. I need to finish this, I take a deep breath and carry on.

"I ran out that house afterwards, i had a split lip cause he hit me a few times to shut me up. My clothes were ripped, my body bruised. I didn’t know things like that happened, I was only fifteen, I didn’t know that shit like that really happened. I ran home, the Bitch was waiting for me, sitting in the living room in the dark just waiting. Scared the shit out of me when I turned the light on. I had blood on my face, mascara running down my cheeks, my hair was a mess, my clothes shredded and she didn’t even react. Just looked at me with that empty look in her eyes. It just tumbled out, I told her what happened, I just wanted her to hold me, to make it ok. Do you know what she said? Do you know what she said when her only daughter, her fifteen year old daughter told her she was raped? She said that that’s what happens to whores that sneak out to meet boys and that I better hope he used protection because if my ass end up pregnant, she'd chuck me out the house."

"Fucking cunt." I hear Noah mutter under his breath.

"I left, I went Trinas a complete mess in the middle of the night. They thought the Bitch had hit me, I had to beg Ada not to go round or call my Dad. I stayed there for a couple of days, not even able to hold a normal conversation, all I could see was Tommys face. The Bitch called my Dad, told him I'd run away, he called me up ordering me to go straight home to my Mother. I just did as he said, I couldn’t even function at the time. After Spring Break Tommy didn’t even look at me, not even a glance, he just pretended I didn’t exist. I wanted to throw up when I saw him, he acted all normal while I was dieing inside. I ran outta school, bunked off every chance I got. I couldn’t bear to be in such close proximity to him. A couple weeks later he wrapped his car round this tree. Everyone at school acted like it was some great loss, they even had a fucking memorial service with everyone standing up and saying what a great guy he was, how much of a gentleman he was. I had to sit there, knowing what he really was, knowing what he did, seeing his sneering face every time I closed my eyes. I couldn’t tell nayone, oart of me thought they'd have the same reaction as the Bitch did, the other part knew nobody would believe me. Who would believe some teenage girl over the beloved football star who was fucking dead. Right after that Memorial service I walked up to some random guy, unbuttoned my shirt buttons a few, hiked my skirt up a little and flirted. I was terrible at it, I just copied what id seen other girls doing, twirling my hair round like a twit, giggling like an airhead. He fell for it. I had sex with him in the back of his car and do you know what I felt? I felt liberated. It felt fucking amazing to give to someone so easily what Tommy felt forced to steal. Every guy I slept with, every touch felt like it was erasing the feel of his slimy hands all over me. I didn’t have relationships because I couldn’t bear to feel, I slept with any guy I could because it was me taking to power. Me saying that they could kiss me, me saying they could touch me, I swore id never feel powerless to another man again. And then I met you."

I look back at Noah, his eyes trained on the bouquet attached to the tree, his jaw tense and grinding. His fists are clenched, the veins in his neck popping out with the tenseness of his body.

"Noah?" His eyes close softly before opening them up and looking at me.

He opens his mouth, nothing coming out, not a sound before closing it. I just want him to speak damn it. The silence that I usually crave, feels like its suffocating me, wrapping itself round my throat, seeping into my throat. Instead of the grief, shame and sadness I usually feel for what was done with me, I feel fear, bone crippling fear. What if he doesn’t want me now? What if he thinks I'm damaged goods? Or worse, what if he agrees with what the Bitch said, that it was all my own fault?

I take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart before it gives out and I'm down with a fucking heart attack. I don’t even realize the tears are falling again until I feel them running down my cheeks. Still he stares, not moving a muscles, just nothing. He's probably thinking of how he can get as far away from me as he can, he's probably thinking how much he regrets meeting me, all the time he's wasted with me.

"P-please say s-something." I stutter out, causing Noah to shake his head slightly with a frown.

He still says nothing, just grabs me and pulls me against his body, squeezing me to him tightly, his arms wrapped around me as if I'll disappear any second now. I let out a broken sob in relief.

"I'm so sorry." He says, his voice breaking on the last word. "Im so so so so sorry what happened to you."

This is what I needed back then from the Bitch. I sniffle into his chest, the tears refusing to stop and his shirt becoming wet from them. I cry two years worth of tears, tears that I've kept in so long that id almost forgotten they were there.

"God, I wish you would have told me."

"But Noah-"

"I know, I'm just sorry you’ve been dealing with this all on your own, you're never on your own babe, you'll always have me. Christ, id fucking do anything for you but I need you to fucking trust me. I love you so much, I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too." I whisper, the only reaction is Noah squeezing me a little tighter.

He lays a gentle kiss to my forehead as I breath in and out, my heartbeat slowing down.

"Thank you for telling me, I promise I'll always protect you, forever."

"Please."

He pulls me slowly away from his body and I miss the protectiveness that surrounded me like a cocoon when I was in his arms, His hands like on my shoulders as he dips his head slightly so that he can look at me face to face. This is me, stripped bare, every wall on the ground in shambles. He doesn’t look at me as if I'm broken, there's no pity in his eyes, just sadness and.....love. Pure, raw and passionate love shining out of his eyes. I always thought it was stupid when people said they can tell what someone's feeling through their eyes. I mean sure, you can see when someone's turned on by that hungry look or if their angry by the hardening of their gaze. Right now, I know irrevocably that Noah loves me, that he means what he says and that means more to me than anything. This is my forever love, looking me in the eyes. This is the guy that’s gonna heal me. The only tears falling now are those of happiness and gratitude and I can practically feel my heart and soul stick itself back together.