Forget Me Not (5 page)

“
Thanks. It will be fine.
Eventually.” I force a weak smile; I don’t know if Derek is right
or if it’s something else. Maybe I miss Abby and my family as well.
Maybe I am just pathetic. I do know that talking about it is
depressing me, though, so I change the subject. We talk about
classes and catch up while we eat. His course load is harder than
mine is, since I’m still taking all my prerequisites and intro
classes. He already has a lot more homework than I do; I don’t ask
when he’s finding time to do it. Last year, I would get on him
about school and he got irritable when I did. I’ve always been a
stronger student than Derek, Jon, or Abby. This week, though,
school was not even a focal point for me. I promise myself that
I’ll stop pining for my boyfriend and spend more time thinking
about my academics. It’d be hypocritical of me to lecture anyone
else if I can’t keep up.

After we finish eating, Derek suggests
a movie. I’m just happy to spend time with him, so I don’t even
care what we are doing. I even let him pick some action movie that
he wants to see; it doesn’t sound all that interesting, but I don’t
mind. Derek’s excited and it’ll pass the time. At the theatre, of
course, we run into Kristen, Caitlin, Mary, Ethan, Lyle, and Don. I
feel guilty because I told them we were staying in, even after they
specifically invited us to the movies. Worse, we are all seeing the
same one. I don’t feel comfortable abandoning them all once we
realize we are all going the same place, so Derek and I join them
when we find seats. Lyle offers to buy snacks for everyone and I
have to use the bathroom. I agree to help him, but he seems annoyed
with me.

“
Not cool,” Lyle says when
we are out of the theatre.

“
What?”

“
You said you were staying
in.”

“
I know. We planned on it,
but-”

“
Look, I get it. If I had
a girlfriend at all, never mind one I was clearly obsessed with, I
would be the same way. But don’t lie to us.”

“
I didn’t. We planned to
stay in. Plans change.”

“
Fine, but we’re trying to
be your friends.”

“
I know, but I barely see
him. I wasn’t trying to blow you off. I just wanted to spend time
with him. I see you all week.”

“
Okay, but just say
that.”

“
I did. Well, I thought I
did.” I can’t remember what I said, because I was so focused on
Derek last night that I was only half listening to my
friends.

“
It’s not a big deal. Just
tell it like it is, you know? No one would care if you said you
wanted alone time all weekend. No need to lie about it.”

“
Yeah, I know. I really am
sorry.”

“
It’s fine. Go to the
bathroom because this shit is gonna be too much to carry
alone.”

I run to the restroom, but feel
terrible when I get in the stall. Lyle is right. I have been so
homesick and miserable without the comfort and normalcy of home,
but I have been ignoring the fact that I’m lucky to have a whole
new group of friends right in front of me. I swear to myself to
make a more concerted effort to hang out with them and stop
focusing only on Derek. There is nothing to think about with him
anyway; he may be at a different school but our relationship is
just fine. This weekend has been a collection of self-promises; it
looks like college is going to present a whole set of unexpected
challenges.

Lyle is trying to balance sodas and
popcorn when I return, so I grab a tray for the drinks and take two
of the bags of popcorn. No one seems upset when we get back to the
theatre and I tell myself it’s a good thing that Lyle said
something now, before they start to hate me.

The movie is awful, but it is fun
spending time with people who are easygoing and, when Don suggests
going to Denny’s afterward, I agree without even asking Derek. When
we get in his car, I worry that he is disappointed,
though.

“
Are you mad?”

He shakes his head. “Of course not.
Lily, I love you and I will be there for you, but you need to have
other people. I wouldn’t expect you to demand that I have no one at
school.”

“
Do you have a lot of
friends at school?”

“
Yeah, there is a group
Jon and I spend a lot of time with. If you come up sometime, I will
introduce you. Although, if you stay with me, you know what that
means...”

“
Yeah. Hands off all
weekend - under penalty of death by older brother.” I laugh. Jon
would obviously never hurt either of us, but I still don’t think it
would be kosher to get too frisky with Derek in his room. I debate
about asking the question I know I shouldn’t, one I have never
worried about, but for some reason need an answer to now. I
survived my senior year by
not
asking this question; now that we’re on the same
page, I feel like I need to know. I have to know what I’m
facing.

“
This group. Are there
girls in it?”

Derek pulls into the parking lot at
Denny’s, puts the car in park, and turns to look at me. “Three.
Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie. Jon had a thing with Alyssa for a while,
but nothing serious came of it. And stop it. I see the jealousy
brewing. They are all homely and hideous and you are the only girl
I am interested in.” He kisses my forehead and I know it’s supposed
to make me feel better, but it only makes me feel like a kid. I had
moments over the past year when I worried that Derek would think I
was too young, but now I have these three women to picture and I
don’t want to picture them.

Although I was a virgin when I slept
with Derek the first time, he wasn’t. I don’t know what he did at
school before we got together, but he had plenty of girlfriends in
high school and I can’t imagine he was celibate for those first few
months. We have never talked about it; although I know how many
people he has been with, I don’t know for sure who they are or when
he was with them. I can’t bear to know. I hate thinking of him with
another girl close to when we started dating. I’ve managed not to
be the jealous type for almost a year, despite him being away,
although I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me if I think too much
about it. I know it’s hypocritical, since my new group of friends
includes guys, but I can’t help it. I feel like Derek’s going to
realize sooner or later that I’m not enough for him.

We go into the restaurant because I
don’t want to think about Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie; it is easier to
fake it with company. Everyone is in high spirits and I try to let
the worry slip away. There is not a lot I can do anyway. I’m pretty
sure that Derek has been faithful. Right now, all I can do is trust
him. As hard as that is, I have no reason to think that he would
cheat. Still, I can’t stop picturing him in bed with someone
else.

Chapter 4

We don’t get back to my room until
after midnight. By then, I am determined to do everything I can to
ensure that Derek does not even consider the other three girls. As
much as I have kept quiet about them all evening, the idea of them
– all three of them – being with him has been stirring endlessly in
my head. I let him crawl into bed and then I pull my shirt and
undies off. Straddling him, I bite my lip.

“
What do you want me to
do? I will do anything. And I mean anything.”

“
Whatever you want,
Lily.”

“
What do college girls
like?” I want to prove to him that I’m not too young, that I can
keep up with anyone he may know at school.

“
I don’t know and I don’t
care. What do you like?”

I pout. “Derek, there must be
something.”

He looks at me, his eyes full of
questions. “What are you doing?”

“
I just want to make sure
that if it takes a few weeks before we see each other that you
don’t forget me. I don’t want Alyssa, or Maya, or Jodie to give you
something I can’t.”

Derek sighs. “Jesus, Lily. I hung out
with them all of last year and you and I barely saw one another. I
never cheated on you. I never even thought about it.”

“
I want to make you
happy,” I say and start to stroke him, getting him hard before I
move my head down and take him in my mouth. He moans, but I can
tell he wants to keep talking. His body and his mind seem to be in
conflict, though, and I do my best to make sure his body wins. I
move my head up and down faster while gripping him tight. He
thrusts into my mouth and I lick the tip as he tries to push his
cock all the way down my throat.

When he comes, the warm liquid spills
down my throat and I swallow before I lay my head on his stomach. I
cup his balls and absently play with them until I feel him get hard
again. I don’t even say anything to him. I just sit up and slip my
pussy lips over him, letting him penetrate the wet
flesh.

“
I love when you fuck me,”
I whisper.

“
Oh God,” he says and he
grips my ass hard, his knuckles bruising the soft mounds of my
cheeks. I let the pain drive me and ride him faster, while my own
orgasm takes over. I watch him watching me get off as I bounce up
and down, his eyes focused on my tits especially. Luckily, they are
perky enough not to move around too bad, but it doesn’t stop him
from reaching for them, playing with the nipples as I tighten my
cunt and come hard. He comes almost immediately after me. I lie on
top of him and kiss him, his tongue working slow circles inside my
mouth.

“
Tell those bitches they
ain’t got nothing on me,” I say.

“
Lily, they’re not
bitches, but you’re right. They are nothing compared to you. Now
stop. Please.”

“
Why? Why are you
defending them?”

“
It’s not about defending
anyone. They didn’t do anything and you’re being ridiculous. You’ve
never been like this. Why now?”

“
I don’t know,” I
admit.

“
Well, stop. I love you.
You’re the only girl for me.”

“
Are they pretty? If we
weren’t-”

He cuts me off with a kiss. “Lily, you
are everything. You have nothing to worry about.”

“
Why can’t you answer
me?”

“
Because this is a stupid
conversation. I don’t even know if they’re pretty. You are all I
think about. I know you weren’t my first, but I have never felt
like this with anyone else.”

I fall asleep with my head on his
chest, but I have a restless night, thinking of nothing but these
three girls and my boyfriend, lonely and horny at college when I
can’t be with him. I wish I had never asked. It’s going to make me
crazy.

In the morning, it doesn’t get any
better when we wake up at ten and Derek says he probably should be
on the road by one. I don’t feel like having sex, because I am
still upset and now, thinking about him leaving, I am sad as well.
We order pizza rather than go anywhere but the next couple of hours
are just awkward. We don’t have anything to say, which is a first
in ten months - and actually in the many years we have known each
other. When one o’clock comes around, Derek looks at me sadly and
shrugs. I feel like this is my fault, but I can’t figure out how to
fix it.

“
I guess I should get
going?” He’s apologetic, but neither of us knows what else to
say.

“
Yeah, I
guess.”

“
I will check the rugby
schedule as soon as I get back and let’s Skype tonight,
okay?”

“
Sure.
Whatever.”

He gathers his things and sits next to
me on the bed. I am being a brat, but I’m angry and frustrated and
I have no control over any of it. He pulls me toward his chest and
runs his hands through my hair.

“
I love you Lily. The
first semester is tough. I missed you so much last year, you know,
but then I came home for your birthday and the distraction got me
through the rest of the semester. Let me be your distraction, okay?
Call me if you need anything. If I am in class or whatever, I will
call back as soon as I can.”

“
Okay.”

“
I love you. You know
that?”

“
Yeah. I love you too,” I
say, because it is true and, this miserable moment aside, I can’t
deny that I do.

“
Skype tonight,
okay?”

“
Okay.”

“
You wanna come with me to
the car or-”

“
It’ll be easier just to
say bye now,” I say. And so we do. He is gone and I wait, foolishly
thinking that maybe he will turn around, come back, and decide that
he wants to stay longer. When he texts me an hour later, saying he
made it back okay, I collapse onto my bed, crying. I have never
felt so alone. In my mind, he’s in the middle of some drunken orgy
with three girls right now, even though he is texting me and that
makes no sense.

Kristen comes in right before dinner
and I must have fallen asleep because the lights are off and she
wakes me.

“
You okay?”

I nod, but I’m not. I start to cry
again and Kristen rushes back to my side, putting her arm around me
and hugging me close.

“
Oh sweetie, what
happened?”

“
Nothing. I just miss
him.”