Forget Me Not (8 page)

“
There is no one else,” I
say. “There has never been anyone else. There was always only you.
But you have a life at school, friends, things to do. I have my
roommate and her friends, although I think they pity me more than
like me, and I have sitting around thinking about you. I don’t want
to be one of those girls.”

“
Lily, I don’t want you to
be one of those girls. The girl I love would never be one of those
girls. What’s going on?”

I start to cry and it feels so good to
let it all out. Since school started, it has just been an ongoing
fight to keep moving, to make it, to show no weakness. However, I
truly can’t handle all the changes at once and without my core
support system, I am falling apart. My insistence at being
independent has made it tough to ask for help, but after talking to
Abby, I realized that I need it. I also need to follow through on
my own convictions about being independent.

Derek pulls me to his chest and holds
me as I sob against him. No one tells you when you start school
just how homesick you will be, or how hard it will be to start life
over with no direction and no friends or family. No one says that
becoming your own person is terrifying.

“
I didn’t think it would
be so hard,” I say. He lifts my head so I am looking up at him and
he kisses my lips, the softness of the gesture mixed with the
strength of his arms making me feel safe. I hate being the kind of
girl who needs a guy to make her feel better, but Derek is a part
of me. He has been my friend for more years than he has been my
lover.

“
What can I do?” He
asks.

“
I think I just need a
break. Not a break up, but maybe I should take some time until our
anniversary. You have rugby coming up and midterms are soon; I need
to figure out who I am. I feel like I’m not even a person
anymore.”

“
Of course you’re a
person.”

“
I feel like I’m your
girlfriend or Kristen’s roommate or Jon’s sister. Not Lily. I need
to find Lily. I need to be Lily.”

“
Okay, so what exactly
will help?”

“
Like I said, a break. Not
a break up. You’re still my boyfriend, but I need time to figure
out who Lily is without thinking about how that fits into Lily with
Derek. Does that make sense?”

“
Lily, whatever you need.
I love you and I want you to be happy. If you need me, you know how
to reach me, but if you need to take some time, I will wait for
you.”

“
Are you sure? You’re not
mad?”

“
No, of course not. My
first semester was tough, too. I get it. Just don’t go off finding
yourself with a bunch of guys, okay?” He smiles, but there is
sadness in the teasing. I don’t know how to convince him that he is
not losing me, but that if I don’t figure out what is happening, we
will both lose me because I will cease to be whole as a
person.

“
There’s no one,” I
promise him.

He looks around and shrugs. “So … do
you want to leave?”

I smile. “Well, I mean, we are already
here. I’m not breaking up with you. I just need some time at school
to find some hobbies or whatever. That doesn’t mean I don’t want
you desperately.”

He laughs. “How
desperately?”

“
Let me show you,” I say
and I unbutton his pants. I am so lucky to have Derek in my life
because he always says and does exactly what I need. He’s
considerate of me, even when I am a mess. I lie back, dragging him
onto me. He pushes my pants down to my knees, just to give himself
enough room, and there, in the middle of the morning in a public
park, he enters me. All of my sorrow fades, because this is Derek,
my brother’s best friend, the guy I have always wanted. He thrusts
quickly and, while we’re together like this, I feel like everything
will be just fine. It is one month to get myself straightened out
at school and then our anniversary. I just know that will be a wild
night and thinking about it while I am currently fucking him makes
me crazy. I come quickly, tension rising in my body until my orgasm
tears me apart and I cry out, hoping there are not many people in
the park at this hour.

Derek does not take long after I come
to finish and, after we are both satisfied, we lie in the grass
with him spooning me. He kisses my neck and shoulder and tells me
he loves me. For the first time since school started, I don’t doubt
him at all.

Chapter 7

It is harder than I expected not to
pick up the phone and call Derek every night. Still, I stick to my
plan and I even join the school paper. It’s as much work as I
expected before, but it turns out to be the perfect distraction. It
keeps me incredibly busy and two weeks pass by faster than the
entire first month of school did. Although I ache for my boyfriend,
I keep telling myself this is the best thing for us both. I try not
to think about the girls he is hanging out with on the weekends and
repeat in my mind that Derek is faithful. This was my decision,
after all, and I know he agreed to it because he cares for me, not
because he is looking to hook up with someone else. If he wanted
that, he would have had plenty of other opportunities over the past
year.

It is the end of week three of my
little experiment when my editor comes to me and asks me to cover a
campus band playing at a local club.

“
You. New girl. I need you
to cover some crappy concert.” This is how she endears me to her
when she needs me for something.

“
Okay,” I say, although I
have no experience writing concert features. So far, I’ve written a
couple of book reviews and I did an interview with the new
professor in the math department.

“
They’re playing tonight.
The campus band is the first opener, so you don’t need to stay. I
just need you to take some pictures and get a quote from one of the
band members.”

“
Do you know who they
are?”

She rolls her eyes. “No. Some generic
rock band that will break up by next semester. But make them look
good. Then they’ll pass out copies of the paper.”

“
Great,” I sigh and get
the address of the club. I go back to the dorm and change into
something I figure is rock clubby, which means jeans and a black
shirt.

The club is crowded when I
arrive. I assume that is abnormal for the early show on an under-18
night. Half the school must have decided to come out and I guess
that means the band members are well known to everyone but my
editor and me. The drummer and singer are onstage setting up when I
arrive, but I don’t recognize them. Since I am not exactly a strong
barometer for popularity, this revelation means nothing. However,
when the guitarist and bassist join them onstage, I am ready to
hurt my editor. There on the stage, holding his bass like it’s his
lifeline, Jack looks incredible. His black t-shirt is stuck to him
and his jeans ride low on his hips. He looks up and I swear he sees
me through the crowd, but that is impossible. It is dark, there are
a ton of people here, and I am way in the back. Still, as our eyes
sort of connect, I feel a thrill up my spine.
Stop it
, I tell myself.

The band is decent; they are louder
than I usually like but the crowd loves them. They even get to do
an encore, which is unheard of in my limited experiences. I take
several pictures and, after they wrap up, I wait to get a quote. I
don’t intend to stick around to watch the headliner, but I’m not
going to be able to avoid talking to them. I just hope Jack comes
out last so I don’t need to talk to him. Heading toward the
backstage area, I sit on a metal chair in front of a black felt
curtain. The life of a rock star is not very impressive. I always
imagined that musicians went backstage to giant suites filled with
food and women and parties. Instead, it seems like the curtain
leads to a small area by a loading dock where the equipment is
being tossed into a minivan. The illusion is shattered for me
forever. Because my luck is nonexistent, it’s Jack who walks out to
talk to me first. He’s sweaty from being under the stage lights,
but somehow it just makes him look sexier. His eyes are on fire and
I can tell performing drives him.

“
I thought that was you,”
he says. “Doesn’t really seem like your scene,
princess.”

“
It’s Lily. And what’s my
scene?”

“
Tea parties and knitting
circles?” He grins, as if the joke was funny.

“
You’re an
asshole.”

“
Yet you can’t deny you
want me,” he teases and he runs his fingertips along the lower part
of my arm. I pull away, but not before the touch shoots through to
my toes. Why am I so attracted to him? He has been nothing but a
jerk to me and I have such a sweet boyfriend. One moment of
weakness does not justify feeling like this. I try to cover how
flustered I am but I know Jack sees through me.

“
Did you like the
show?”

“
It was good,” I
admit.

“
How about a private
performance? Just you and me?”

I know he’s just messing with me, but
it makes me crazy. Fortunately, his band mates appear behind him. I
still need to get a quote, of course. I try to shake Jack’s comment
off and turn to the singer.

“
I need a quote from the
band for the paper.”

The singer says something and I write
it down, but I don’t really hear him. Jack’s eyes are on me and
they’re all I can think about right now. I hate the way he makes me
feel and as soon as I get the quote, I stand up to leave. Jack
leans close and whispers in my ear. “Remember. 401. When you are
ready to admit you are interested.”

I grit my teeth, seething. I refuse to
let him have this hold on me. I don’t understand this inexplicable
power that he wields. I leave the club, but it takes almost the
entire walk back to school to forget his touch and how badly I
wanted to say yes.

****

I call Derek on the night before my
birthday. He’d promised to visit Friday night before his match, so
I want to figure out where we are going. I didn’t confirm that we
were still doing anything, but it’s my birthday. I figure it isn’t
up for debate. Kristen offered to loan me one of her dresses and I
hope Derek has something fancy in mind.

He doesn’t answer when I call, so I
leave a message and focus on my homework. As much as I miss him,
the break has been just what I needed. In the last few weeks, I
have earned some respect on the paper, my academics seem to be on
track, and even Kristen and her friends are looking at me less like
a hopeless case. Something is starting between her and Lyle,
although they’re both still keeping it a secret.

“
Hey, do you want to go to
Lyle’s?” She asks now. I hate to admit it, but I’m a tiny bit
jealous. They spend so much time together and they aren’t even
dating yet. It also sucks a little; now it’s just me, Don, and
Caitlin who don’t have significant others with us when we hang
out.

“
I do, but I need to
finish this paper. Besides, I still don’t know what Derek’s
planning for my birthday tomorrow and I don’t want to miss his
call.”

“
It’s a mobile phone,
Lily,” she teases.

“
I know. But it is not a
mobile research paper.”

“
Understood. You’re
welcome if you change your mind.”

“
It seems like maybe you
and Lyle would want some privacy anyhow,” I tease her
back.

“
I told you. There’s
nothing going on between us.” Her blush disagrees, however, as does
the small smile that forms when she thinks about him. She leaves
and I get to work on my paper.

Once I establish a groove, the words
pour out of me. I am nearly done when my phone rings. I save the
essay and answer the phone.

“
Hey,” I say.

“
Lily, I got your message.
What’s up?”

“
Well, I know we aren’t
supposed to do anything until next weekend, but remember you said
you would come up for my birthday?”

“
Oh. I
thought-”

“
You’re not coming?” In
those three words, the last month shatters around me. He’s
completely forgotten about me. It’s selfish maybe, but I guess I
thought Derek was just letting me get myself together at school; I
didn’t realize he was doing the same. I know I should have
mentioned it, but I figured he wouldn’t forget my birthday. He
rooms with my brother, after all. I feel like it shouldn’t be on me
to remember.

“
I can, I guess. It’s
just, the guys from the team rented a couple rooms and we were
going to head up early for the match and have a party. It’s the
last match and all and I thought you wanted a break.”

“
It’s my birthday,” I say.
“And our anniversary.”

“
I know. But Jon said he
was going up Saturday and you had plans with your family. And I
thought we were...”

“
Yeah, okay. It’s stupid.
I’m sorry,” I say. “I guess I wasn’t clear. But we can do something
next weekend, right?”

“
Probably. Listen, can we
talk about this another time? I have a huge exam tomorrow and I
still need to pack for the weekend and-”

“
What do you mean
probably? You promised!”