Read Out of Mind Online

Authors: Jen McLaughlin

Tags: #Romance

Out of Mind

BOOK: Out of Mind
8.16Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Sometimes love isn't enough...

Out of Mind

Jen McLaughlin

Reaching for sunlight...

Finn survived the ambush and came home to me, but in his head, the battle is still raging. He’s falling apart and I’m trying my best to pick up the pieces of him, to find the
us
we used to be. I love him as much as I ever did, but love isn’t enough to fix this. I thought telling my father about our relationship would be the hardest thing we’d ever have to face. I was wrong.

Lost in shadows...

All I wanted was to be worthy of Carrie. One mission, just one, and I’d be able to give her the future she deserved. Then everything went wrong, leaving me tainted and broken. Carrie wants me to be who I was, but all that’s left is what they made of me. I’m no good for her. No good for anyone like this. I have to figure out how to move forward. Alone.

Sometimes love isn’t enough…

Other Books by Jen McLaughlin

Out of Line Series

Out of Line

Out of Time

Out of Mind

Between Us

Written as Diane Alberts:

Take a Chance Series

Try Me
(Take a Chance #1)

Love Me
(Take a Chance #2)

Play Me
(Take a Chance #3)

Take Me
(Take a Chance #4)

Faking It

Divinely Ruined

On One Condition

Broken

Kiss Me At Midnight

Kill Me Tomorrow

Temporarily Yours

Reclaimed

Superstars in Love Series

Captivated by You

One Night

This one goes out to all the men like Finn who fight, come home, and struggle to fit in with everyday life. Especially my friend Tim, who we all still miss dearly.


Don’t let me die…Please don’t let me die…

Explosions boomed in
my
ears, shooting me upright into a sitting position in bed, gasping for air and crying out into the empty bedroom. Gunshots still echoed in my head, along with the gurgling of Dotter’s blood as it poured out of his body until there was nothing left. I looked down at my hands, half expecting to find them bloody. They weren’t. But metaphorically? That was a whole other fucking story.

Trembling, I rose to my feet, my broken arm casted and hanging uselessly in a sling. My body was coated in a light sheen of sweat, and even my sheets were dampened and dark. Blinking at the sunlight that crept through the closed curtains, I tried to remind myself where I was. I wasn’t fighting for my life. Wasn’t watching people die. I was safe.

As safe as I was going to be, anyway.

Pushing the curtains back, I squinted outside. After spending a couple of weeks in a hospital in Germany, followed by another couple of weeks in a hospital in D.C., it was nice to be in a home. But instead of the sandy beaches and hot weather of California, I saw a foot of snow reflecting the sun, blinding me. And we were supposed to get even more tomorrow night. Fucking ridiculous. I studied the position of the sun in the winter sky. Damn, what time was it now? Last thing I remembered, I took a few pills and zonked out. It had been…morning? Maybe? Now, judging from the sunlight streaming through clouds, it was mid-afternoon.

I’d missed a whole day.

Sure. I could act shocked about this, but that happened more often than not lately. I slept away the day, high on painkillers and drunk from whiskey. When I woke up, I swore I wouldn’t touch another drink. I’d last an hour or two.

Then I’d do it all over again.

I ran my hand over my shaved head, wincing at how rough it felt. I’d been back in the good old USA for a couple of days now. I still felt like I was trapped in the fucking desert. Instead, I was in the winter wonderland from hell. Carrie’s parents’ house.

A knock sounded on the door, and I dropped the curtain. I glanced down at myself. I had on a muscle tank and a pair of black basketball shorts. Decent enough, I supposed. “Come in.”

The door cracked, and the red hair I’d recognize anywhere appeared before the face I needed so damn much did. “You’re up?”

“Yeah.” I tugged on my tank and crossed the room. “You can come in.”

Carrie entered, shutting the door behind her. She hesitated, looking torn. Her blue eyes were sober and crystal clear, while I was a fucking drunken wreck. I’d been snapping at her lately. Pushing her away. I hated myself for it, yet I couldn’t seem to fucking stop.

“Did you sleep good? I thought I heard you cry out.”

I fingered the puckered wound on my head. It was still sensitive to the touch and ugly as fuck. Not as ugly as the rest of my scars. Inside
and
out. “I had another nightmare. Same old thing.”

She approached me slowly. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Yeah.” I met her eyes. “You can come hug me.”

She gave me a smile. “Anytime.”

Within seconds, she was in my arms. Well, my arm. I glowered down at my broken arm, knowing it was as marked up as my head. You just couldn’t see it right now. I closed my arm around her, burying my face in her neck. “Fuck. I missed you.”

She tilted her face up to mine. “I missed you, too.”

“You should start sneaking in here to see me at night.” I dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Then I can at least hold you for a little bit before I fall asleep.”

She did sneak into my room every single night, but we never acknowledged her visits. It was our unspoken agreement. Without fail, I would have a nightmare every night. Also without fail, she would come in and comfort me until I fell back asleep. Then, in the morning, we pretended it never happened. I could tell she wanted to talk about it, but she kept silent.

She just gave, without asking for anything in return.

She was too good for me.

“I’ll try tonight,” she agreed, stretching up on tiptoes to press her mouth to mine.

I tensed and pulled away. I couldn’t…she couldn’t really want me right now. Not when I looked and felt like this. She stepped back, the disappointment in her eyes way too fucking clear. “I’m going out to refill your prescription. Want to come with me?”

I’d love to, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready for the world to see me yet. “Nah. I’ll stay here.”

“O-Okay.” She watched me, her brow furrowed. “Did you see the sun is shining?”

My heart wrenched. We used to say that, back when I’d been overseas. It had been our code for “I love you.” Back when we’d been a secret. Back before her father found out about us. Before he’d threatened me if I ever hurt his baby girl.

I didn’t want to hurt her, and yet I was.

I needed to start acting
happy
better. I pasted a big grin on my face. I felt like a fucking clown. “I did. It’s so bright.”

She nodded, perking up a bit. “Are you sure you don’t want to go out with me? It could be fun. Maybe we could go out to dinner? Have a little date.”

I started to waver. A date sounded fucking fabulous. It had been so long since I felt normal. Since I felt human. We hadn’t had any alone time together, unless you counted stolen moments like this one, and it had been way too long since we acted like a couple at all. I was a fucking mess, and I knew it.

Could I pretend not to be, for her? I could try. “Well…”

I looked over at the nightstand. The mirror over the top of it showed us in perfect profile. She watched me with a hopeful look in her eyes. All red curls, gorgeous skin, and bright blue eyes. She was flawless. And then there was me…Beauty and the Beast.

The wound on my head ran a thin line across my skull, extending down past my eyebrow. My shaven head was patchy at best, due to some lovely hospital clippers that had been used on me. I was told my hair would grow back in eventually, but I was supposed to go out with her like this? I could picture the looks now.

The disgust. The pity.

No. I wasn’t ready.

“We could go Christmas shopping, too,” she said, her voice excited. “It’s only six days away, and I know you didn’t get anything for your dad. I still need to shop for mine, too.” She grabbed my hand, squeezing it. “We could have fun, like old times.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I said. “My head…”
is fine
. “Hurts.”

“Oh.” The smile slipped, but she forced it back into place. She was better at acting happy than I was. “Okay.”

“Can you open my pills for me?” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “Maybe get me a drink, too?”

“It’s a little early for another pill. You need to wait another hour. And you know you’re not supposed to mix booze and painkillers.” She looked at me, pressed her lips together, and set my unopened pills on the table. “But I’ll grab you some water if you’re thirsty.”

“Not what I meant, but thanks.”

She nodded, grabbed a water bottle, opened it, and handed it over. “You’re almost out of pills already. You took too many. I think there should be more.”

“I dropped one,” I said, averting my eyes. “It rolled away, and I couldn’t find it.”

“What way did it go?” she asked, dropping to all fours. “I’ll find it.”

“I don’t know. It was dark.”

She looked up at me, not saying anything. She didn’t believe me. Good. I wouldn’t believe me either. I watched her, daring her to argue. To stop treating me as if I might break. She shook her head slightly, stood up, and brushed her hands on her perfect thighs. “Okay, I won’t look then.”

I frowned and glanced away. “Hey. Have fun shopping.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” She kissed my bald head, hovering awkwardly. “I love you.”

I cringed. She trailed her fingers over my naked scalp. She used to love my hair. Now I didn’t have any. “I love you, too.”

Once she left, I grabbed the bottle of meds off my nightstand. Another hour, my ass. I’d find a way to open this bottle even if it killed me. After a brief struggle, I managed to pop the lid off on my own. After a while of sitting there in silence, the pill hit me, making the world spin around me. Everything faded away but the blissful silence.

It was the only time I felt like myself anymore.

It had been four months and twenty-three days since I met Finn. He’d told me he was a surfer who didn’t have any aspirations above being a Marine, but he’d really been my father’s spy. It had been two and a half months since he told me he loved me. I’d told him I loved him, too, and we’d sworn never to lie to each other again. And it had been a month and two days since he got injured, and I thought my world would end. Three days since we came home, and he shut me out of his life. I didn’t know how to get back in.

The days kept swirling around my head, over and over again. I guess in a way, I was trying to reassure myself of something. I mean, he was home. And he was getting better. He was trying, anyway. He’d get better. But my world still felt like it was ending. It still wasn’t right.

Finn wasn’t really Finn anymore.

So instead of going inside my parents’ house, I sat in Dad’s car for a while, staring up the driveway at the way-too-large-for-normal-humans house I’d grown up in. Part of me wished we’d gone straight to California, instead of back to D.C. like Dad wanted. But Finn’s dad was here, and it was winter break, so here we were. Dad let Finn stay at the house, despite his frequent disapproving frowns and his long, lingering looks. But Finn was alive. And he was with me. That’s all that mattered, right?

BOOK: Out of Mind
8.16Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

The Finishing School by Muriel Spark
The Fourth Crow by Pat McIntosh
Cold Snap by Allison Brennan
Nerds Are From Mars by Vicki Lewis Thompson
Love LockDown by A.T. Smith
Doorstep daddy by Cajio, Linda
Still Mr. And Mrs. by Patricia Olney
Consequence by Shelly Crane
Of Metal and Wishes by Sarah Fine