Out of Mind (6 page)

I took my teal cashmere cowl off and peeked into the living room. Empty. Riley came up behind me and helped me remove my coat, and I smiled at him in thanks as I strained to see if Finn was lurking somewhere. He was nowhere to be found, even though he’d been with Riley only minutes before.

Part of me wondered how that had gone. Finn had a tendency not to like guys who were my friends, so it made me think maybe Finn tried to scare Riley off. Or maybe he’d been as taken in by him at the first meeting as I’d been. Something about Riley screamed for you to like him instantly. Outside, he’d been cracking jokes to me about how much my father kept pushing him toward me, despite my very real boyfriend inside the house.

On top of that, he’d told me he’d met—and loved—Finn.

That made me like him even more. He obviously had good taste. “Where were you two hanging out?” I asked him.

“In the living room.” Riley hung my coat on the coat stand and motioned me forward. “I’m sure he’s still there. Let’s go find him.”

We walked into the living room, but it was clear he wasn’t there anymore. An empty glass sat on the table, but nothing else. “He’s not here.” I picked it up and sniffed it. Whiskey. So, he’d been drinking. “But he obviously was at one point.”

“Yeah. With me.” Riley watched me closely. Too closely. “That’s my glass, though. Not his.”

Hope surged through me. “Oh. He wasn’t drinking?”

“He was. He must have cleaned up after himself when he left.” Riley shrugged. “He must’ve put the bottle away, too.”

I swallowed hard. He’d probably taken it with him to finish it off. But Riley didn’t need to know that. I’d hoped that after last night, he might not feel the need to drink himself into oblivion. I’d hoped… It didn’t matter what I’d hoped.

It hadn’t happened.

I gave Riley my back while I composed myself. Once I was ready, I turned to him with a bright smile. “I can get you a refill, if you’d like.”

“Yes, please.” He hesitated, reached for my hand, but dropped it by his side without me having to reject him. Good, because I didn’t want to. “Are you okay, Carrie?”

“I’m great,” I said, forcing a cheerful note to my voice. “I mean, it’s hard to see him like this.” I motioned toward the empty glass. “But he’s working his way through it. We’re working our way through it.”

“I didn’t ask how
he
was.” He stepped closer, watching me from under his lashes. “I asked how you are.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I told you. I’m fine.”

“Carrie…” He looked over my shoulder and smiled brightly, changing his tone of voice. “Ah, there you are. We were about to send out a search party for you.”

Finn stood in the doorway, watching Riley and me with narrowed eyes. When I smiled at him, he smiled back, but I could see the look in his eyes didn’t match. Not at all. If anything, he looked sad. He set down his empty glass, and put the bottle on the table. It was almost empty. “I went looking for my dad, but I couldn’t find him.”

Riley picked up his cup and headed across the room, talking about having another drink. I trailed behind him, my eyes on Finn. He seemed as if he was being friendly enough. He hadn’t called him Miley or anything else that was close to his name, but not quite right. “I was just talking to him when I came home. He went out to the store.”

“Oh.” He ran his hand over his head. He used to tug on his curls when he was nervous. Is that what he was trying to do? “I would have gone with him if I’d known. He shouldn’t be going out alone.”

But he hadn’t wanted to go shopping with me? I wasn’t sure what that meant. “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d want to.”

He smiled at me. “It’s fine. Now I get to spend time with you…and Riley.” He popped the lid off the whiskey and poured Riley a good amount. “Can’t let you drink alone, now can I?”

Riley grinned. “Course not. Short Stuff over here isn’t old enough, so I’ve only got you.”

“Yeah, she’s not quite old enough yet,” Finn murmured as he poured himself another glass. He watched me as he poured, almost as if he was daring me to say something. To start a fight with him. And, man, I wanted to. “We’ve had a few discussions about that, though, haven’t we, Carrie?”

I curled my hands into balls and bit down on my tongue. Glancing at his glass pointedly, I said, “We have. Too much alcohol is never a good thing.”

He laughed. “She thinks I drink too much when I’m stressed out.” He turned to Riley and held his glass out for a toast. “Lately, that’s been all the time, hasn’t it?”

“Finn…” I started, but he threw his arm over my shoulder and hugged me close. I stole a quick look at Riley. He was watching Finn with concern in his gaze. My cheeks heated. “You doing okay?”

“Fabulous now that you’re back.” He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering. Despite my uneasiness about his current state of mind, my heart flared to life as the gesture. It was so much like something the old Finn would do. “I missed you.”

“Did you nap?”

He fingers tightened on his glass. “Yep.”

I wanted to ask him if he’d had the nightmare again, but I wouldn’t in front of Riley. “Great. So I see you met Riley?”

“I did.” Finn led me to the couch, making sure I sat between him and the arm of the couch. Riley sat on Finn’s other side. “We were talking about the night you two became friends.”

I stole a quick glance at Riley. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep.” Riley sipped his drink, looking slightly uncomfortable if his furrowed brow was any indication. “How long are you two staying here?”

“We go back on the thirtieth.”

“Is that what we decided?” Finn blinked. “I thought we were leaving on the twenty-seventh.”

I shook my head and rested my hand on his thigh. “No, because you have an MRI that morning.” I softened my voice. “Remember? I put it on a Post-it.”

“No. I don’t remember.” Finn took a long drink, his leg going hard under my hand. I could practically feel the frustration rolling off him. “How long are you in town, Riley?”

“Through the afternoon of the first. Then it’s the red-eye flight back to California that night.”

I nodded. “We were going to stay through then, too, but I thought it would be best if we got Finn back to Cali so we could start setting up his physical therapy appointments, and all the other stuff that goes with his injuries.” I lifted a hand before letting it fall to my lap. “There’s a lot to organize before classes start.”

Finn cursed under his breath and stood. “You make me sound like I’m an old man who can’t take care of myself. I’m injured, not useless. I can organize it all.”

“I know. I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t mean anything by it, Carrie. It’s just that I’m realizing I’m not your boyfriend anymore. I’m a fucking burden.” He gripped his head and gave me his back. “You know what? Forget I said that. I think I’m going to excuse myself before I say something else I’ll regret.”

I lurched to my feet. “Don’t go. I’m sorry.”

“I told you to stop fucking apologizing to me,” he snapped.

“But—”

My dad came up behind Finn. “Is every—?”

Finn whirled on my dad, fist raised, his breathing coming fast. He looked a second away from clocking my dad in the jaw. Dad jumped back, his eyes wide and his hands up in surrender. I ran to Finn’s side, and Riley bolted around the couch to Dad. “
Finn
.”

“Shit.” Finn covered his face with his good hand. “I’m sorry. You snuck up on me.” He shook his head, but didn’t drop his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Shh. It’s okay, Finn.” I locked eyes with Dad. “It’s okay. He’s all right.”

Dad broke gazes with me, his face pale but otherwise seeming unaffected. “Yes. I’m fine, Griffin.”

Finn turned to me and finally showed his face. He looked ravaged. Terrified.
Broken
. It’s the first time he’d dropped the act around me, and it hurt so freaking much. I opened my arms, and he dove into them, bending down and hugging me with his good one. “Fuck, Carrie. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m
sorry
.”

“Shh.” I hugged him as tight as I could, meeting Riley’s gaze over Finn’s shoulder. “I’m here with you.”

They needed to go. Needed to let Finn recover without an audience. He seemed to get my message. “Mr. Wallington?” Riley said a bit haltingly. “Let’s go check on your tree and see if the household staff needs any help. It’s a fine tree, if I may say so myself.”

Dad looked less than willing, but good manners won out. “Sure thing. Let’s go.” He started for the door but froze. “Carrie, if you need help, I’ll be right out there.”

I nodded but didn’t answer. I was too busy holding Finn and trying to calm him down. Once we were alone, I kissed the top of his head. “I’m here, and you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay. I’m
not
.” He clung to me so tightly I could barely breathe. His face was pressed into my chest, but I could still feel him shivering in my arms. “Shit, I can’t do this to you anymore. I can’t be this guy.”

My heart stuttered. “You didn’t do anything to me, Finn. I’m fine.” I ran my hands over his bald head, skipping over his puckered wound. I didn’t know if they still hurt. “You’re fine. We’ll get through this.”

He shook his head but didn’t release me. “You don’t deserve this.”

“Hey. Stop that.” I pulled back and forced him to look at me. Cupping his cheeks, I narrowed my eyes on him. “
You
don’t deserve this. You went there because you were trying to make life better for us. For me. If anything, this is all my fault. If we hadn’t met, and you hadn’t loved me, you never would have taken this job.” My voice cracked. “Anything you’re going through right now, it’s on
me
. Not you.”

He shook his head frantically. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I lived. They died.” He stared off into the distance. “They all died in front of me. I saw it happen. They all just
died
. Why did I live? Why me?”

I swallowed back a sob. He looked so lost. “Because I need you.”

“I need you too.” He seemed to snap back into reality. He turned to me and his face softened a fraction. “So damn much, but it’s not fair. None of this is fair.”

Was it not fair that he needed me, or was he saying it wasn’t fair he was still alive? I wasn’t sure, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to find out. “I know it’s not.”

“I can’t do this to you,” he repeated. “I won’t do it. I won’t ruin you. I won’t take you down with me.”

His words filled me with fear. It was as if he was telling me he was leaving. We’d promised to love each other forever. He couldn’t leave. I gripped him even tighter. “Stop talking like that. You’re scaring me.”

“You should be fucking scared of me.” He laughed harshly. “
Look
at me.”

“I
am
looking at you.” I leaned in and kissed him gently, even though my fingers ached to slap him until he stopped talking nonsense. “I’m always looking at you. You’re gorgeous, brave, kind, and loving. You’re Finn, and I love you just the way you are. Forever, no matter what.”

He drew in a ragged breath. “Yeah, but I think you see the old me. Not the ‘me’ I am now. The
me
I’ll always be from now on. The guys died. Every. Single. One.”

“But you lived.” I shook him a little. “You’re here, with me. There’s a reason for that, don’t you think?”

“I know, but I’m not here,” he whispered. “Not really. You’d be better off if I just—”

“Don’t you even think about finishing that thought,” I hissed. “I’m telling you right now, I won’t accept it.”

He averted his eyes. “But it’s true. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

I pushed him a little bit, anger taking over and making me forget I might hurt him. What had he been about to say? Was he going to say I would be better off if he’d just leave me…or if he’d died? Either way, he was wrong.
So
freaking wrong. “I will kick your ass so fucking hard you won’t be able to sit straight for a week. Do you
hear
me?”

That seemed to bring him back to life. His lips even twitched as he turned back to me. “Is that so? A whole week?”

“Yeah. That’s so.” I curled my hands into fists so hard my nails dug into my palms. “I can’t live without you. I can’t do anything if you leave me. Don’t think it. Don’t dream it. Don’t even
say
it. I’ll never forgive you if you do. Not in a million years. Got it?”

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I hate doing this to you. Hate being fucking broken. This isn’t who you fell in love with.”

“We’re all broken in different ways. You feel shattered now, but it’ll get better.” I ran my fingers over his jawline. It was so strong. So resilient. Just like him. He didn’t realize how strong he still was. “Love is about staying with each other, in sickness and in health. I’m not leaving because you’ve been injured. And you can’t push me away. I won’t
let
you do that to us.”

His resolve cracked. I could see it, as if it was a physical thing. “Carrie…”

“No. Don’t
Carrie
me.”

I kissed him, trying to convey the depth of my devotion and love in that simple kiss. He clung to me, making a broken sound in the back of his throat. His hand trembled as he cupped the back of my head, deepening the kiss.

Something crashed behind us and he jumped to his feet, shoving me behind him. Riley stood at the door, his eyes locked on us. “It’s just me,” he said softly. “I’m going to head out now. The snow is getting pretty heavy.”

Finn relaxed marginally. “I’m sorry about earlier. I…well, I’m…”

“Dude.” Riley held up a hand. “No explanations needed. Seriously.”

Finn gave him a long look and nodded. “Thanks, man.”

“Are you sure you can make it home okay?” I glanced out the window. The snow was coming down really heavily now. I felt bad that he’d come all this way to visit us and I’d basically said hi and that was it. “You just got here.”

“I’ll be fine.” Riley smiled. “I might be in California now, but I’m still used to the D.C. winters. I’m not that much of a surfer boy.”

No, I only had one surfer boy in my life.

Finn gave him a small smile. “It was nice meeting you. Hopefully the next time we see each other, I’m a little more put together.”

“I think you’re exactly the way a man should be after going through what you went through.” Riley offered his hand. “Take it easy.”