Out of Mind (10 page)

I blinked away the tears blurring my vision, not even bothering to try to hold them back. I hugged Finn’s sweatshirt to my chest and stepped forward, my grief choking me. He must’ve heard me. He turned around and his gaze fell on me. He looked scared, but not sad. It confused me until I realized…

Oh my God. He didn’t know.

“Is the ambulance here yet?” Finn asked, his voice rushed. “He said my name when I got here, but then he passed out.”

I pressed my lips together tight. I couldn’t break down. Couldn’t cry. “They’re not here yet.” I went around to the other side of the bed and touched Larry’s hand. It was already getting cold and a little bit stiff. So freaking fast. “Finn…”

He shot me a look. “Don’t talk to me like that. He’ll be fine.” Finn dropped his head to the mattress. “He
has
to be fine. We were just talking. Just…” Finn lifted his head and glowered at me. “Stop looking at me as if he’s dead. He’s not. He’s okay. Got it?”

I nodded, not sure what to do or say. “O-Okay.”

Finn placed a hand on Larry’s forehead. “He’s cold. Can you get him some extra blankets?”

“Uh, y-yes. Sure.” I left the room and opened the linen closet down the hallway. As I pulled out some comforters, Mom and Dad came around the corner, talking quietly. When they saw me, they stopped in their tracks. “He’s still alive, right?”

I closed the door and juggled the blankets. “I don’t think so. But Finn…he doesn’t know. I think he knows, but he can’t know. He can’t accept it yet.”

Dad rushed past me, his face pale, and Mom hugged me. “Oh dear. This is going to hit all of us hard, but Griffin, well, he’s going to have a difficult time.”

I released a huge sob, clinging to my mom and letting the comforters hit the floor at our feet. “I’m so scared. He can’t handle this right now. It’s going to kill him.”

“I know.” Mom hugged me tight. “He’ll need you with him.”

I nodded, let go of Mom, wiped my hands across my cheeks, and then picked up the blankets. I felt like shit, and knew it was only going to get worse, but Finn needed me at his side. I had to pull myself together. At some point, he would realize Larry was gone, and he’d need someone at his side when that happened. He’d need me.

“This is going to kill him,” I repeated.

Maybe I was in shock or something.

“I know.” Mom grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. “But he has
you
to help him.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be enough this time,” I said, my voice hollow and distant in my own head. “I’m not enough.”

Finn

I clung to Dad’s hand, praying with my eyes closed. I didn’t fucking pray anymore. God had stopped listening to me a long time ago. He’d taken my mom. Taken my unit. And now He was trying to take my father, too. Well, fuck that.

I wouldn’t let Him.

“You can’t have him,” I whispered, my face pressed to my father’s cold hand. Where the hell were those blankets, anyway? “I still need him. He’s not done here yet.”

A footstep sounded in the doorway, and I didn’t bother to lift my head. I couldn’t look at her right now, those sad blue eyes of hers shining with pity. I didn’t need her pity. Dad wasn’t dying tonight. She could save her empathy for someone else.

Anyone else.

“Did you get the blankets?” I asked.

“She’s getting them,” Senator Wallington said. Oh. It wasn’t Carrie behind me this time. “I’m just coming to check in on Larry. To s-see how he’s doing.”

I struggled to my feet and stood between him and the senator, looking at him defensively. “He’s not dead.”

“I didn’t say he was.” He held his hands up. “He’s my friend, Griffin. I just want to see him, like you. To make sure he’s okay.”

I hesitated, letting him pass through. For some reason, I didn’t want anyone looking at him too closely. Didn’t want them to tell me he was…

I stopped that thought right fucking there.

Carrie’s dad sat on the opposite side of the bed and reached for Dad’s fingers with his trembling hand. “Larry.” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry.”

“
No
.” Rage swept through me, strangling me with the strength and depths it struck in me. I snatched Dad’s hand back and gave the senator what I hoped was an eat-shit-and-die look. “You don’t get to say a word about being sorry for him. He’s
fine
.”

He stood up and covered his face. “Look, son, I know—”

“I’m not your son!” I held Dad’s hand to my chest. “You don’t even like me, and don’t approve of me and Carrie at all. Let’s not mince words tonight.”

He dropped his hands. “I don’t
dis
like you, Griffin.”

“But you don’t like me, either.”

He didn’t say anything to that.

I squeezed my dad’s hand. Was it just me, or was it even colder? “Where is the ambulance? And where’s Carrie with the blankets?”

“I’m here,” she said from behind me. She came to my side and gently laid blankets over Dad. “You doing okay?”

I swallowed hard at the look of concern in her eyes when she glanced my way. She was looking at me as if she was scared I’d fall apart. I wouldn’t. “I just want the ambulance to get here already. Then I’ll be fine.”

Senator Wallington cleared his throat. “Griffin, your father isn’t cold. He’s—”

“Dad, don’t.” Carrie kneeled beside me and rested a hand on my upper back. “Just don’t. Let me handle this.”

“I don’t need to be
handled
.” I looked at Carrie, swallowing hard when I met her eyes. There wasn’t pity, but there was sadness. So much fucking sadness. As if she knew he was gone, accepted it, and was worried for
me
. “He’s not dead, Ginger. He can’t be dead. I…he…
no
.”

The senator stepped forward again. “I know this is hard, Griffin, but—” Sirens sounded outside the window, and he cut himself off. “They’re here now.”

“About damn time,” I said, my voice even. I knew what he was trying to say, but I didn’t believe him. I’d know it if my father was dead, damn it. I’d seen dead.
This
wasn’t it. “Can you let them in? I don’t want to leave him alone in case he wakes up.”

“I’ll do it,” Carrie’s mom said. I hadn’t even realized she was here. “You stay with them, Hugh. Just in case.”

Just in case
what
?

Senator Wallington nodded. Carrie rested a small hand on my arm. “It’s going to be okay, Finn.”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything. I could sense more than see the long, shared look between Carrie and her dad. I ignored it. “I know.”

She laid her hand over mine and I clung to her, needing her strength now more than ever. But I didn’t let go of Dad. It seemed like it took ages for the paramedics to come inside, but when they did, I finally released Dad’s hand, but not Carrie’s, and moved out of their way. They came to the side of the bed and checked his pulse.

Carrie’s dad leaned down and whispered something to the man. After he finished, they both looked at me. The paramedic bent over Dad, his fingers doing something I couldn’t see. Senator Wallington approached me, his eyes filled with sadness and acceptance. I wasn’t accepting a damn thing he told me. “Griffin, I know it’s hard, but he’s gone. There’s nothing we can do to save him now.”

“You’re wrong.” I shook my head, my vision blurring. My heart thudded in my ears, and I backed up, dropping Carrie’s hand. I looked at the paramedic, who looked fucking terrified of me. “He’s alive, right?
Tell me he’s alive
.”

The man looked at Senator Wallington before studying me. “His heart gave out. If it’s any consolation, he went fast. There wasn’t time to—”

“
No!
” I fell to my dad’s bedside and shook him. “Dad. You have to wake up. Wake up right now, and show them you’re not gone.” I shook him harder. “Wake.
Up
.”

Carrie let out a sob behind me and squeezed my shoulder. “Finn, he—”

“No. Don’t.” I shrugged her off and shook Dad again. His lips were already turning that bluish, dead-like color that all corpses got. “But he was just here. He was just talking to me…
no
.”

Senator Wallington covered his mouth, his eyes watering.

Carrie nodded. “I know, but he’s gone.”

“No.” I swallowed past my aching throat. I ran my fingers over his cold forehead. He looked like he was sleeping. Not like he was gone forever. “I need you. Dad,
please
.”

Nothing. He’d left me, too.

Everyone kept fucking dying
.

I stood up, roared, and punched the wall. My fist sank into it, sending pain flying up my good hand, but it didn’t numb the pain in my heart. The absolute, agonizingly real pain that choked me. So I punched the wall again. And again. And again. I lost count after the fourth time. When that stopped feeling satisfying, I started breaking shit.

Anything.

Carrie cried out my name, and tried to rush to my side, but her father held her back. He tossed her to a paramedic, who grabbed her arms and held her back, then stood in front of her protectively. Tears streamed down her face, and she was shouting words, but I didn’t hear anything. All I heard was my own heartbeat thundering at breakneck speeds. And these words kept repeating in my head: I lived. He died. They all died.

It wasn’t fucking
fair
.

By the time I was focused on the world around me again, I had no idea why the hell everyone was crying, or why Carrie was holding her face and sobbing her heart out. I collapsed against the wall, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. I stared at my feet, because why the fuck not? They were the only things standing still right now.

Everything else was spinning.

Someone came close to me, and I snapped my head up. It was Carrie’s dad. He looked scared of me. I was kind of scared of myself, too. “Griffin, you need to calm down. Don’t make them sedate you.”

I stiffened when he came closer, blinking rapidly. The room was in shambles, vases and glasses were broken, and Carrie was sobbing. The paramedic was still holding her back, and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. Even Carrie looked scared.

What had I done?

I tore my gaze from Carrie’s wet face, looking down at my hand in surprise. It was dripping with blood, all over the pristine white carpet, and the skin was ripped back from the knuckles. It looked as if a storm had gone off in the room, and that storm had been me.

I’d done this
.

“C-Carrie?” I looked up at her, swiping my forearm across my cheeks. It came back wet. I’d been crying? I didn’t fucking cry. “He’s gone?”

She shoved the paramedic off her and stood, her legs barely supporting her. She took an unsteady step toward me, and then another. Her father watched, looking as if he was going to step in the way. She shot him a look, brushed past him, and walked up to me. “Y-Yes, he’s gone.”

I choked on a sob, and she threw herself at me, hugging me tight. I clung to her with one arm, letting myself cry. I hadn’t cried since my mom died, and now here I was again.
Alone
. “I’m alive, and he’s dead. They’re all dead.”

I buried my face in her neck and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see the senator watching me, looking horrified and sad. Didn’t want to watch as the paramedics zipped my father in a black bag and hauled his lifeless body away. And I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was the only one who kept living, while everyone else around me died.

Who was next? Carrie? I was a toxic bomb, killing everyone who cared about me.

She hugged me tighter. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

But she was dead wrong. It should have been
me
.

A little while later, I pulled the blankets over Finn’s shoulders, kissed his forehead, and turned out the light. He hadn’t really said anything after he’d gone insane and started breaking things. He kept just staring off into the distance, talking when spoken to, but in a way that told me he wasn’t really there. He might have been holding my hand, but he might as well have been across the country—or the world, for that matter.

He was gone.

Right now, he was buried in grief, and there was nothing I could do to help him. Sure, I could love him and be here for him, but I couldn’t bring his dad back. He’d already been struggling with the deaths he’d seen, and now he had one more to add to the pile. The worst one since his mother died.