Fractious (11 page)

"I wonder what day it is...?"

I shrugged.

"How long have you been here?"

"Couple days," I said.

"Couple days?" she said with a laugh.

"You asked," I muttered.

"You were gone from our world for a good couple of weeks before I got yanked over
here."

"Weeks?" I whispered.

"At least two, maybe almost three," Crista said. "Time passes different here, I guess. I
was just wondering because I've been otherwise engaged during the last day or so."

"Noticed," I said in a grumble.

"Jealous much?" she said with a grin.

"No," I grumbled some more. "It's just that I never figured upon running into someone I
know here. Where's your buddy Ken from?"

"Denver," she said, as she looked over at Ken. He had already found a small Tuatha
Dé woman and was standing up, moving the woman up and down over his groin area.
Crista gave another laugh and waved at Ken. Ken waved back. The Tuatha Dé woman
rolled her eyes in something that might have been ecstasy but I couldn't be totally sure.

"And he isn't my buddy," she added.

"Oh," I said. "I just thought..." I made some lewd gestures with my hands to get my
point across.

"That's not exactly how it works out here."

"How does it work?"

"You have to drink the water."

"Like in Mexico?" I said.

"Except Montezuma doesn't get his revenge," she said. "Where are you going? In
general, I mean?"

"Here, actually," I said. "The magician we're looking for, the one I'm supposed to kill,
he was last seen here."

"In Tara?"

I nodded.

"Don't blame him," she said. "But I haven't heard about any magician in town."

I chuckled. "You haven't heard much past Ken's moaning and groaning."

Ken moaned and groaned loudly to emphasize my point.

Crista only shrugged. "True. But can I go with you?"

"To where?" I said.

"To wherever it is your going?"

"Wish I knew," I said. "We go wherever the sorcerer went."

"But can I go?"

"I don't see why not," I said. "But why would you want to go with me?"

"It's like you said," she said, "I never expected to run into someone I know here.
Besides, if I'm with you, I won't want to just have sex."

"No?" I said, somewhat disappointed.

"No," she said, not catching my disappointment.

"Just let me go check with my guide," I told her, hooking my thumb in the direction of
Cu. "We only have two ponies."

"That isn't a pony," Crista said, examining the little horse who had stood quietly beside
me during our entire conversation.

"What is it then?"

"Looks like a Great Dane," she said.

The pony snorted his disapproval of such a title and turned up his nose at her.

"You insulted him," I said, while rubbing my pony's soft ear, and missing Fractious the
mule all of a sudden.

"Sorry, pony," Crista said. "Will you go ask your guide if I can go, too?"

"Going," I said, going.

Cu was otherwise engaged, as was everybody in this town, with masturbating over a
threesome consisting of two beautiful Tuatha Dé women and what appeared to be a
woman with goat legs. I cleared my throat, looking away while Cu quickly put his schwanz back
in his pants. "What?" he said as I continued to stare.

I shook my head and said, "Can I bring a friend?"

"No," Cu said sternly, trying very hard to keep his eyes on me and not on the orgy going
on just a foot away from him, and pretty much everywhere else you turned in this town.

I pouted. "Why not?"

"Because I said so," Something over my shoulder apparently caught his eye for he
started to drift in that direction.

I turned around and followed him. Crista was already engaged in another sexual act, this
time with a man half her size who seemed to be enjoying the fact that he was screwing a human
being. "Yeah, I'm screwing a human! That's right, bitches!" he was yelling out as he slapped her
butt like she was a rodeo bull.

Cu's eyes rolled back into his head and he stumbled back into me. I leaned down and
caught him before he could fall over. I up-righted him, pointed and said, "That's my friend."

"Yes," Cu said immediately. "Yes. Bring her. I like her."

"I don't know if she's that kind of girl," I said as I watched her apparently being that type
of girl. She noticed I was watching and stood, the Tuatha Dé man clinging to her and
finishing up even while she stood there. It was like watching a dog hump a person's leg while the
person stood ultimately still. It was kinda funny. I couldn't help giggling.

"Don't care," Cu was saying. "She's coming with us."

Crista gave a smile and lifted the man off of her. He immediately went about humping
her leg but she shook it to disengage him. The Tuatha Dé man went flying but quickly
found himself another partner. "So I can go?" Crista said, once again righting her under things
and pulling her robe back around her.

"Yes," drooled my guide. "Yes yes yes!"

"Cool," Crista said. "Just let me get my things." She quickly ducked into a doorway and
came back moments later with a duffle bag in her hand that proclaimed she was a member of
Gryffindor House. "It was free," she said when she saw me eyeing the duffle. "Can't pass up
free."

"I didn't ask," I said. I turned to Cu who was still drooling, even though there was a
significant puddle at his feet. "This is Cu," I told her, making an introductory gesture. "Cu, this is
Crista Himmelmen."

"Crista Himmelmen," Cu said, in gurgling Homer Simpson fashion.

Crista ignored him long enough to put on some shoes that looked more like slippers, and
then we were off again, now a group of three. It took a while to find the place where Amergin
was last seen because Cu kept stopping to watch certain sexual activities and I occasionally had
to drag Crista around by the belt of her robe, but eventually we found the inn.

It was called The Inn and the owner/proprietor/pimp was a little dude named Nemain
who sat us down and gave us pints of beer. He did this because Cu insisted that we ignore the
water. Everyone else in the place was downing gallons of it and getting off any way they
could.

"See," Crista said. "Told you it was the water."

I only smirked as I watched some Tuatha Dé getting it on with the leg of a piano,
which was mildly protesting in notes that oddly enough produced the tune of Barry Manilow's
"Mandy."

Nemain sat across from the three of us and said, "So, you're looking for Amergin?"

"How come you aren't sexually engaged?" I said.

"No drinking on the job," he said.

"Oh," was my answer to that.

"Amergin?" Nemain repeated.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "When was he last here?"

"About a month ago," Nemain answered. "You just missed him. You friends of
his?"

"No," Cu said. "We're looking to kill him."

"Oh. Good. I was wondering when someone would go and do that." Then he muttered,
"Stupid bastard."

"Him or me?" Cu demanded.

"Amergin, of course," Nemain said.

"Good," Cu said, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. "Any idea where he
was going?"

"Yeah," Nemain said. "Probably back to Black Mountain."

"Black Mountain?" I repeated ominously.

"Yeah," Nemain said quietly, echoing my ominous tone. "Black Mountain."

"It has an English name?" I said.

"Yeah," Nemain said, still speaking ominously.

"Okay."

"Yeah," Nemain said, still being ominous.

"Stop that!" Cu belted. He drank down a big gulp of his pint.

I suddenly realized that I now had beer in front of me and down my entire glass in one
gulp.

"Damn, Fractious," Cu said, "slow the fuck down. I don't need you drunk."

"But I need to be drunk," I slurred. "More beer!"

Nemain gestured to a wench who brought me another pint. I paid for it with the wicket I
had in my pocket and, to my surprise, the wench brought me a second pint. I blinked at Nemain
in surprise.

"You wanted change you shoulda asked for it," Nemain said. "We don't give change
unless you ask."

"No change!" I yelled, downing my second pint. "More beer!"

Cu ignored my desires and said, "So what makes you think Amergin went to Black
Mountain?"

"A little bird told me," Nemain said.

"Seriously?" Cu said seriously.

"Seriously!" Nemain echoed. "I have this bird, see. I had him follow Amergin home just
in case some people eventually came to kill him. I really hate that guy. He never pays his tab. He
just waves his magic staff and turns someone into a bullfrog instead of paying up." Then he
muttered, "Jerk."

I yelled, "More beer!" and was significantly ignored.

"Can I speak to your bird?" Cu said.

"Sure," Nemain said, pushing himself to his feet. "Just let me go get him."

When Nemain was gone, Crista said, "You really think he has a talking bird?"

"Why not?" Cu said. "He talks," he added, pointing at me.

At this point, I was hoisting my glass and singing an Irish drinking song. The wench and
a few of her friends had joined in and had even given me a free pint. I couldn't have been
happier.

Nemain returned as I went into the third verse. He held a blanket-covered bird cage in
his hand. When he lifted the blanket, a bird that could have been or could not have been a parrot
immediately joined in on my drinking song. I was surprised that he knew all the words.

"Shut up!" Nemain shouted at the bird.

"Whatcho want, Nemain?" the bird squawked.

"Details," Cu said to the bird.

"You ugly!" the bird squawked.

"About Amergin," Cu said.

"He ugly, too!"

Cu rolled his eyes. "Where did Amergin go?"

"Ugly black mountain!" the bird squawked. "He always go there!"

"You're sure?" Cu said.

"Sure as you ugly!" the bird squawked.

"That's pretty sure," Nemain said with a grin and a nod.

Cu ignored him, then took off his bright green top hat and whacked me over the head
with it.

I fell down, and woke slung over the back of my pony, my head and feet dragging in the
dirt. My nose was filled with dust and I blew out a muddy snot cloud when I came to. Through
the dust cloud, I could see Cu and Crista engaged, not in sex thankfully, but in conversation. I
stuck my fingers into my nose to dislodge more dirt, then hollered, "Somebody get me off this
pony!"

The pony came to a halt and dislodged me easily enough. He kicked up his back legs
and I flew over his head, landing on my face a few feet ahead of him. I slowly got up and
brushed myself off. I faced my guide and Crista, who were both smiling. Crista was trying to
hide her smile behind her hand, and she was obviously trying even harder not to laugh. She lost
that battle and burst out laughing.

"Funny," I said. "Why'd you put me on the pony like that?"

"We couldn't very well wait until you'd sobered up," Cu said, still grinning. "Three pints
of beer in five minutes. Hell, that woulda put
me
under!"

"I think I had more than three," I said, swallowing something disgusting that suddenly
came up from my stomach. "Anybody mind if I go vomit?" Nobody minded so I walked off into
the woods and did just that. I examined said woods as I returned. "Where are we?"

"The woods," Cu said.

"Oh," I said, looking around as if I hadn't already noticed that. "Are we going to Black
Mountain?"

"Yep," Cu said. "Can you walk?"

I nodded a headachy head. "Hey, I didn't fuck the wench, did I?"

"No," Crista said with a smile. "We managed to keep you away from the water."

"Maybe next time," I said. The two of them began walking. Crista led my pony and I
trudged along behind them.

Crista was telling Cu all about her life, how she hated her job at the bank, how she hated
the place where she'd been living, how she was looking for a hero to take her away from it all,
and how she really hated the kid she babysat. "He's the worst!"

"Babysitting sucks," Cu said.

"You babysat?"

"Naw. I saw Adventures in Babysitting once."

"So what really lies ahead of us?" Crista said. "All I really got to see of this world was
Orgyville back there. I mean, I like Sodom and Gomorrah. Who doesn't? But that? That was out
of this world!"

"It was very much in this world," Cu corrected.

Crista rolled her eyes.

"Well, Amergin is a very powerful magician," Cu said. "He banished my people to this
place..."

I'd already heard this story so I drowned it out. Instead, I went and got my sword that
was still really just a dagger and took to practicing with it again. I swung it over my head and
around myself in an arcing whirlwind. I lagged behind so I wouldn't lop off the tails of the
ponies, and I began to lag sufficiently behind as time went on. I'm pretty good at lagging. I
swung and whirled, lopped at overhanging branches and drew lines in the dirt. I felt I was getting
very good at hefting the heavy thing when I suddenly realized I couldn't hear Crista or Cu talking
anymore. I stopped dead in my tracks and the sword hung limp at my side.

I was alone in the woods.

The trail spread out before me and I ran down it, keeping my head low so I could keep
an eye on it. The last thing I wanted was to be forever lost in the woods on the way to kill the
wizard. That would leave the task to Crista, who I doubted would be much good at anything but
screwing a guy like Ken. Oh, I didn't doubt her banking abilities. She had a way with numbers,
but as far as being a warrior, well... She hadn't had as much practice as I had. She hadn't bested a
dragon with only her name. Of course, that might or might not have been pure luck. Plus, I had
the sword. They'd be lost in their attempts to kill Amergin without said sword.

I reached a point in the trail where it split down two paths. There was a sign post
standing in the fork with two arrows nailed to it. Unfortunately for me, the signs were so faded
that I couldn't make them out. Wondering how long they'd been there, I stood and scratched my
head. I looked down at the ground and saw pony tracks but they went in both directions. There
were fewer in one direction, so I took that path, hoping it would lead to Black Mountain, a place
where I figured few would want to go.