Fractious (10 page)

I raised an eyebrow at him, but he just put his attention back on the road ahead. There
was enough room for both of us to walk abreast so I yanked on my pony's reins and jogged to
catch up to Cu. When we were walking side by side, I said, "Do you think I can beat him?"

"You won't be able to laugh him to death, if that's what you're thinking."

"I admit that the thought had crossed my mind," I said. "But how can I defeat him? And
why the hell should I?"

Cu suddenly came to a stop. He touched my shin with a gentle hand, one I assumed
would be resting on my shoulder had he been tall enough.

I angled my head to look down at him in curiosity. "What?"

"Amergin aims to destroy this world," Cu said. "Then he will move on to yours."

"What!"

Cu nodded somberly. "I've never told any of the others I brought through the door in the
tree. I never thought any of them would make it past my buddy, Balor. Amergin had been
hatching his plan for years now, and only in the last few months have we gotten wind of the
extent of his plans. Though we were banished from our homeland in Ireland, we do not want to
see it destroyed."

"Why don't you all just go back?" I said. "To Ireland?"

Cu gave me an inquisitive look.

"I mean," I muttered, "you
obviously
have a portal. You can
obviously
go into my world. Why don't you all just go through the portal into the park and take a plane
to Ireland? You wouldn't even have to pay because no one can see you. Unless they've been hit
on the head, I guess."

Cu gave me a weak and pained smile.

I regretted having asked.

My guide patted his pony on the head before saying, "We used to be a harmonious
people. We lived in peace with nature and everything around us. Ireland is now populated with
big cities and cars. It has buildings a thousand times the height of a Tuatha Dé. It hosts
Madonna concerts, for gods' sake. It isn't our home anymore. That doesn't mean we don't
feel...an affinity for it. We just can't go back there. It just isn't home."

I kind of got it. I wasn't really sure what all the big fuss about cities and Madonna
concerts was, but I was trying to understand. Not that I had anything to say about it.

Cu apparently had a bit more to say. "When we lived in Ireland, we could be seen by all.
We were accepted and we cared for the land we lived on. We were a
part
of the land. If
we went back now, we'd be the laughing stock. We would have to form a circus act or something
because we'd have nothing to offer your world. It's just...different now."

I got it. It would be like me going back to work at the bank. It would be a familiar job,
but it wouldn't be the same as it was. So I nodded at Cu and gave him a smile. Then I dropped
back with my pony and resumed walking behind him. He moved slowly now, his head down, his
bright green top hat tipped forward on his head. I sincerely regretted bringing up old
wounds.

We walked on, slowly making our way down steep paths and rounded corners. Far in
the distance, I began to see the faint outline of a city of some kind. I could see large homes and
the spire of something that might have been a church, or possibly a bank. A wall surrounded the
city, a tall wall built of white and red bricks. It appeared to be made of candy canes and I felt a
sudden craving for peppermint.

It was getting late. We'd taken all day to walk down the mountainside. I missed
Fractious the mule, especially since I was now carrying most of the baggage. Our load was
lighter than it was when we'd started, since we'd eaten a lot of our food. The city in the distance
only meant that we'd be refitting and there'd be more for me to carry. I wouldn't be surprised if
Cu asked me to carry my pony too. My pony had bitten me back at the soccer field when I tried
to put everything on his back and not carry anything on mine. I had gotten the hint when I saw
his flat teeth had drawn an oddly perfect ring of blood on my arm, and that's why I was carrying
pretty much everything.

Not that any of that really matters in the slightest, except to let you know that I was
carrying nearly everything.

As we got closer to the city, I asked Cu what its name was.

"That is Tara," Cu said.

"Have you ever been there?" I said.

"I've never been past Balor's soccer field," he told me. "I've spent six months and six
humans trying to get to this place. I know others have been there, but I haven't. It's not like
anyone comes back from Tara to tell tales, anyway."

"You lied," I said. "You told me that you'd go on alone after Balor killed me. But he
never even let you pass, did he?"

"I had to tell you a convincing story," he said, with a shrug.

"And did you?"

"Were you convinced?"

"Yes," I said.

"Then I did."

"Does it always take a human to get past Balor?"

Cu nodded. "Yep. A few have tried to go beyond the dragon before you. But nobody
ever comes back. Not even if they are of the Tuatha Dé."

"Why not?"

"Did I not just say that I'd never been there?"

"I know," I said. "I know. Don't ask stupid questions."

"Precisely," was Cu's response.

"But if nobody makes it past Balor, how do you know that no one returns from Tara?
How do they get to Tara if they can't get past Balor?"

Cu grinned. "There are other routes to Tara," he said. "Nobody
has
to go
through the mountains and face Balor."

I felt my eyes go wide and my fists clench into little balls at my side. I pointed back in
the direction we'd come. "You mean I never had to go face that damned dragon in the first
place?"

"Hey, I thought you liked Balor."

"I do," I said. "He's a pretty cool dude, but still. We could have gotten here without
going through all that? So why didn't we?"

"Because Balor gave you something," Cu said.

I patted my pockets, looked down my shirt and checked the bottom of my shoes. "I don't
remember getting anything," I said after thorough examination. "What did he give me?"

"Did I not tell you to stop asking stupid questions?" Cu said.

I sighed. I gave up on asking stupid questions and tried using my talents of deduction to
ascertain exactly what was going on. I came up blank. But when we got to the city of Tara, I saw
why no one, if they even made it past Balor the dragon or simply bypassed him all together, had
ever returned.

The place was an orgy. There was sex going on in the streets, in the gutters, on the
rooftops and on horseback. There was sex going on in the grocery store, in the granary and
quietly going on in the library. At least they had enough respect to be quiet in the library, not to
mention the church.

The people were mostly the size of my guide, ranging from two feet to five feet tall at
the very largest. There were also people of my height but only a couple and they were engaged in
having sex with each other. As we walked through the city proper, we became the only two
people who were not engaged in a sexual act. I kept my gaze on the cobble stones, not wanting to
get involved. I knew I'd never leave if I did.

Cu watched the sexual activities going on around us with a keen and eager eye, but he
seemed unconcerned.

"I'm hungry," I said, just to say something.

"No," Cu said.

"No, I'm not hungry?" I said.

"No, we cannot stay," Cu said.

"But--but the sex--" I said with a pout, while pointing at the people who were my size.
"How many of people my size did you say made it past Balor or went around him to get
here?"

"I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Say."

"Oh." I sighed. "Well, how many do you think made it past Balor or went around him to
get here?"

"Do you have to keep repeating yourself?"

"Yes. How many do you think--"

"A couple."

"Yeah, but like, how many?"

Cu stopped in the middle of the street and counted the number of people he saw who
were roughly my size. "Ten," he said. "Though that one might just be an abnormally large
Tuatha Dé."

"Oh." I eyed one pretty woman who was sexually engaged with a tall, lanky man. He
had her pressed up against the side of a barn and was thrusting himself against her with all the
vigor and vim he could muster. She appeared less enthused. And strangely familiar.

I veered off our straight path and walked up to the fucking couple. My pony followed
behind me with wide eyes, probably wishing there was a filly somewhere who was unoccupied
so he could join in on the fun. The girl engaged in the riotous sex had long blonde hair that
flowed loose down her back in golden waves like grain. Her body was lithe and supple, what I
could see of it, anyway. She had a small tattoo on her left butt cheek of an ivy leaf and that's how
I recognized her. But please don't ask me how I knew about the tattoo, because that would mean
explaining a banker's version of truth or dare, which isn't as tame as it sounds.

"Holy crap!" I hollered. "Crista?"

She disengaged her lips from the dude's. A line of spit clung between them like
spaghetti, and she blushed bright red. "Shit!" she yelled back. "Guy?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she asked me, hiding her breasts against the chest of
the dude, as if she should be ashamed just because I was there.

"Um..." was all I could think of to say.

Crista Himmelmen turned her attention back to her partner and said, "Can you excuse
me for a minute, Ken?"

"Ken?" I muttered. "Hope he's better endowed than the Kens I know."

Crista disentangled herself and rose, bending over, not to better show me her ample
buttocks, but to pick up a discarded robe, bra and panties that lay in a pile of discarded robes,
bras and panties nearby. She slipped her legs into the panties, her boobs into the bra and her arms
into the silky arm holes and tied the belt around her thin waist. She cleared her throat, ran a hand
through her blonde hair and turned back to me.

I was staring at the better endowed Ken. I watched his package swinging out to the sides
of his thighs as he walked away from me. Crista's throat clearing brought me back to reality, or
what was currently passing for reality in my life. "What?" I said, when I saw her staring with
curved eyebrows raised so high they were almost hidden in her hair.

"What are you doing here?" she said, moving herself closer to me, almost hiding behind
me, as if she didn't want to be seen talking to the likes of me. Which was probably a bit true.

"I'm off to kill a wizard," I said in a singsong.

"What?"

"Long story," I said. "Better question. What are you doing here?"

"Remember what you said about a leprechaun that got eaten by a tree?"

"Uh, yes?" I'd long since forgotten my mistake of calling Cu a leprechaun basically
because I'd long since gotten tired of being beaten by a bright green top hat. I hate being
abused.

"Well," she continued, "when you disappeared, I began to wonder what happened to
you."

"I disappeared?" I said, dumbfounded. I couldn't remember disappearing.

"Yeah," she said. "I saw you being dragged away by some unseen force and you
disappeared into that tree. Remember?"

"Oh,
that
disappearing. I didn't really disappear, you know. I just...came to
exist in another place." I gestured around me, spreading my arms wide.

Crista rolled her eyes at me. "Well, I was sitting out in the park with that kid I hate. My
neighbor's kid? Remember him? The one who likes to throw sand? Anyway, it was late. A guy
jumped me and tried to rape me but I fought him off. Who jumps a girl and tries to rape her in a
park where little kids are watching?"

"We live in a really bad neighborhood," I said.

"Obviously," Crista muttered. "Well, I took out my pepper spray and got the guy in the
face. He got pissed and cracked my head up against that tree you were so interested in. I woke up
on the ground with a sprinkler head under my butt. And I saw one. A leprechaun. He came out of
that same tree that you were humping that day. Remember? Well, he dragged me here, all the
way here in fact, then ditched me for some chick. It was a long way to be dragged, but eventually
I stopped struggling and went along with it. Not much else I could do. And I thought I'd find you
here too, but once I found Ken, I kinda forgot to look for you. And here you are!"

I squinted my eyes. "So, what happened to your neighbor's kid?"

"Huh?"

"You said you were watching your neighbor's kid in the park when some dude jumped
you. The one that throws sand? Not the jumper, the kid, I mean. What happened to the kid?"

"Why do you care? I thought you hated kids."

"He got away, right?"

"I'm... not... sure," she said, while scratching her head.

I lifted my eyebrows.

"Oh yeah," she continued, purposefully going off in another direction, "and he told me
not to call him a leprechaun." She pointed to a small couple who appeared to be exploring the
creative world of sixty-nine, but there was a goat present who was licking various asses. Hers
was obviously one of the Tuatha Dé, as well, except he wore no bright green top hat.

"Ah," I said. "That one's mine." I pointed at Cu, who stood in the middle of the road,
drooling over a particularly lovely Tuatha Dé woman who was humping a wooden post. I
sneered at the spectacle.

"Yeah," Crista muttered. "She'll be asking me later to pull out the splinters. So, what are
you doing here?"

"I'm off to kill a wizard," I sang again. "At least, that's what I've been told."

"Stop singing," Crista said.

I stopped singing.

"I don't know why I'm here," she said, tucking her hair behind her ears. "There might
have been a reason, but once we ended up in this city, there was nothing to do but fuck. So we
fucked. Fuck!"

"What?" I hollered at her sudden exclamation.