Fractious (5 page)

I attempted small talk again as Cu mounted his pony, who was a lot better suited to his
size, or maybe that's the other way around. "So, Cu," I said, "is everyone in this place the same
size as you?"

"No," Cu said firmly. "Some of them are the same size as you. Just as stupid, too."

"Good to know," I said. "What else should I know about this place?"

"Don't run into that low hanging tree branch," he suggested.

The tree branch slapped me in the face, cutting a two inch gash in my cheek. As blood
trickled down my skin, I glared at the little man who was turned around in his saddle, grinning at
me.

"I warned you, didn't I?" Cu said.

I rolled my eyes. "Where are we going?"

"To a place called Tara."

"Tara? Who's that? Or what's that?"

"That's the last place Amergin was seen alive."

"How long ago was that?"

"Two hundred sixty years ago."

"Oh." I thought about that for a moment. "So how old are you?"

"One hundred and seventy eight," Cu said.

"And you don't look a day over a hundred and fifty."

"Asshole," Cu said.

"I'm only twenty," I told him. "I can't even drink in my home state."

"Well then, that not only makes me the leader but also makes me your elder," Cu said,
turning his head so he could see my face. "Doesn't your race expect you to respect your
elders?"

"Yeah," I said, "but only until you're ten."

Fractious the mule brayed in response, but I ignored him. He could bray all day but that
didn't make him right.

Soon we came to a town that looked a lot like the town we'd already left. Cu didn't
hesitate but went straight down the lane, headed for the marketplace that looked almost exactly
like the marketplace of the town we'd already left. It was so uncanny, and when I saw the same
dude tip his bright green top hat to Cu, I dragged my heels to stop the pony I was riding.

"Cu," I said, reaching out to grab the tail of Fractious the mule to get Cu's attention.

"What?!" my guide yelled.

"Isn't this the same town we left like two or three hours ago?"

Cu pulled up his pony. The mule, who had already stopped when I yanked his tail, rolled
his brown eyes. Cu looked around. "You know," he said, pulling at his chin. "I think you might
be right."

"You took us around in a circle?!" I hollered.

"Guess so," Cu said.

"What the hell?" I yelled, throwing up my hands, ready to give up on the whole
ordeal.

"Well," Cu said with a big stupid grin on his face, "now we can start our quest."

I sighed and picked up my pony and turned him around in the opposite direction. "I lead
this time." I mounted and kicked my feet Flintstones style to get my pony moving again.

"Whatever, shithead," Cu said. He followed me this time, with Fractious the mule
balking behind him.

Two hours later we came across a town that looked absolutely nothing like the town
we'd already left twice before. We passed by a sign that named the town Camhail. At least, that's
what the sign said. I would have called it Pub Town because there seemed to be nothing else in
this town except for pubs. Drunken little men spilled into the cobblestone streets, each and every
one with a pint mug in each hand. I instantly liked this town.

"Can we get a beer?" I said.

"You don't fit," Cu said.

I looked at the size of the buildings on the street. The tallest one came to about a foot
below my head. "Hhm," I said, assessing the situation at hand. Beer was at hand and I really
wanted some. After hours with Cu, who didn't seem to know up from down yet could go back
and forth between his world and mine, I needed something to ease the annoyance. "So, can you
get me one?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"But why not?"

"Because I hate you," Cu said.

"Then maybe I'll ask this dude." I grabbed the arm nearest to me, which happened to be
attached to a shaggy blond man who stood about as high as my knee. I had to bend over to be at
eye level with the little man. "Will you buy me a beer?" I said.

He had crap-colored brown eyes that were red rimmed, probably from copious amounts
of alcohol. This made me want some even more. I wanted to have red-rimmed eyes and copious
amounts of alcohol. But instead of smiling and going to buy me beer like a regular dude would
have done, the dude yanked his arm out of my grasp and said, "Fuck're you?"

"Guy Fractious," I said.

"Who gave you that stupid ass name?"

"My mom," I said.

"Your mom was fucked up," he said.

I grabbed Cu's bright green top hat off his head and whacked the new man with it.
"Nobody talks shit about my mother!" I yelled, standing over him and threatening another bright
green top hat attack, this one more violent than the first.

"You're starting to talk like one of us," Cu said from behind me. "Gimme back my
hat."

I set it back on his head, taking care to set it straight, so as not to offend anybody. I
tapped the top of the bright green top hat and returned to my quest for beer. Cu went in the
opposite direction to try and find lodgings for us and Fractious the mule. I had serious doubts
about finding a bed big enough or even a house big enough for me. Fractious the mule was
smaller than any mule I'd ever seen, and he'd fit in a bed better than I would. For a moment, I
hated the small world I'd been chucked into.

Nothing a good mug of beer or twelve wouldn't cure.

I accosted the next small person who had a pint of beer in his stubby hands. "Excuse me,
sir," I said, trying to appear as polite as possible. I bent over so I was at eye level with the person,
who was about the same height as my anti-friend, Cu, except he was lacking the bright green top
hat. Instead he wore a baker's hat and a filthy apron that could have been dotted with blood or
possibly strawberry juice. He raised an eyebrow at me and it disappeared into his shaggy blond
hair. "Will you buy me some beer?"

"Ain't you old enough to buy your own damned beer?"

"Yes, or at least, I think so. In this world, maybe" I said, "But I have no money. And my
guide won't share."

The dirty dude in the baker's outfit sucked his teeth in thought then handed over his
half-empty pint. "Here," he said.

I felt like getting down on my hands and knees and kissing his hairy toes but I didn't.
Instead I took the offered glass and drank down the beer in one suffocating swallow.
"Yum."

"Glad you like it," the man said. "Now here's a wicket. Go buy your own." He tossed a
coin into the air and it flipped end over end, finally landing safely in my open palm.

"A wicket?" I repeated as I turned the coin over. It was silver and had the face of Tom
Cruise on one side, with old Tom looking half-assed and happy. "What the hell is this?" I asked
no one in particular.

"A wicket," someone said as they passed by.

I rolled my eyes. On the other side of the coin was a picture of a dodo bird. I guess I
should have anticipated that. Before I could spend said wicket and rid myself of the accursed
image of Tom Cruise, Cu came and tugged at my pant leg.

"Got us a room," he said. Then he took that back. "Okay, I got me a room. I got you a
barn."

"A barn?"

"A barn."

"Oh goody."

I followed behind my so-called guide and found myself outside of an old, wooden barn.
It looked big enough to house both me and Fractious the mule, who stood no taller than my hip,
anyway. Fractious the mule would definitely be more comfortable in this dwelling, but at least it
had a roof and I could keep my head dry if it should rain. If it even rained in this realm.

"Thanks," I said, not feeling very thankful.

"Don't mention it," Cu growled. "I'll bring you some dinner or something."

"Or something?"

"Or something," Cu repeated.

Fractious the mule and Fractious the man watched Cu the Tuatha Dé walk away
and duck into a building on the opposite side of the street. I stood and waited, watching the
multitudes of people who were all smaller than I was bump up and down the cobblestone streets,
drinking and being merry. I wanted to be merry. I wanted to have fun and smile. Instead, I was
standing beside a mule who had been given the outlandish name of Fractious, which was also my
name, having no fun at all.

Fractious the mule gave the impression he wasn't enjoying himself at all either. He gave
a deep bray and knocked his long head against my leg, probably wanting food. I had nothing to
give though, so only patted his gray head and continued to wait for Cu. The town grew quiet as
the people went inside of all the bars and I was left alone on the street, waiting patiently.

Cu returned well after nightfall, after I'd been standing there for hours and hours. It was
long after Fractious the mule had settled down on the ground and fallen asleep with his nose on
the toe of my shoe. Rather than wake the finally quiet mule, I let him sleep and stood like the
tallest statue in this strange new world. Of course, I'd rather not be there. I'd rather be back in the
park wearing my trench coat, fedora and dark glasses, still waiting for the little man in the bright
green top hat to appear from within his tree. Ah, the good old days.

Cu brought a small satchel with him and my mouth watered with the thought of food.
Cu tossed the satchel to me as he passed by. I caught it deftly and watched him stroll into the inn
nearby, shutting the door behind him. Fractious the mule lifted his head, looked at me with his
great, brown eyes then went back to sleep. Alone in the street with a mule asleep on my foot, I
opened the satchel. Inside, I found a loaf of bread no bigger than my hand. And nothing
else.

Sighing, I slipped my foot out from under Fractious the mule's nose, trying not to wake
him but he woke anyway and brayed. Someone yelled, "Keep that damned mule quiet!" but I had
no control over Fractious the mule's vocal cords.

"Fractious," I said to the mule, "keep it down."

The mule blew a nose-full of snot at me, which struck me dead center in the chest. I
stuck my tongue out in disgust but shrugged it off. I had no control over the mule's mucus either.
So I went inside the barn, with the little mule on my heels, to get a good night's sleep.

* * * *

A good night's sleep is not what I got since my legs stuck out of the door of the barn
when I stretched out. That, and Fractious the mule decided that I made a better bed than a pile of
straw, and he slept mostly on my chest.

The ball of snot he'd snorted my way the night before had crusted into a white crust that
I had to chip away at with a fingernail or two in order to make my shirt appear not so
snot-crusted. When I looked more like a human being and not so much of a mule snot ball, I shuffled
out of the barn and dragged the mule out by his heels. Outside, whether out of spite or by
accident, Fractious the mule blew snot at me again, coating my shirt once more. I sighed and
used his tufted tail to wipe the snot away.

"Do that again," I told the mule, "and I'll make you wear this shirt." I pointed my
forefinger at his black rimmed nose. "Got it?"

Fractious the mule brayed curtly, getting the message.

"Now, where's Cu?"

Fractious the mule flipped his tail. He obviously didn't know.

I stepped out into the town, pausing only to take a quick drink from a horse trough that
stood outside one of the hundred or so bars that dominated the town. Fractious the mule put his
nose down into the same horse trough beside me but I didn't care much that I had to share. I had
eaten the bread last night but it had barely made a meal. Maybe it was a good meal for a member
of the Tuatha Dé, but it made a measly mouthful for me. I was hungry. And I still had my
wicket with its image of Tom Cruise on one side and a fitting dodo bird on the other. I wondered
what I could get with it.

I knelt down and stuck my head inside the small door of the nearest bar. There weren't
any people outside to beg a beer off of, but there were plenty of people inside the bar, already
drinking and becoming merry. I wished I was merry.

"Any food to spare?" I said, my head stuffed inside the doorway.

A baker's dozen folks stopped what they were doing and looked my way.

"Get out, giant!" a woman yelled.

I realized that I hadn't seen any women yet and should have wondered earlier about such
a thing. People needed women to reproduce but I had thought little about it. I suddenly longed
for a woman of my own to reproduce with, but then I shook my head. Hunger was my priority.
Not sex.

Ooohh, sex....

Fractious the mule brayed at my heels and knocked his head against my ass. I found this
rather funny and began to laugh but got control of myself long enough to realize that the big
breasted little person and all her friends were staring at me, wondering why I was laughing since
they couldn't see around my big head at the mule bumping my butt.

"Food," I said simply.

A man chucked a loaf of bread at my head. The bread struck my smack between the
eyes, leaving crumbs in its wake. I muttered a thanks and withdrew my head from the
doorway.

Sitting back by the barn with Fractious the mule, who was looking longingly at my
bread, I nibbled at said bread. At least it was tasty. I half expected Napoleonic era weevils to
come maggotting their way out of the bread at me, but the bread was clean and fresh. The crust
crackled and steam escaped from the hot loaf when I broke it in half. I made the loaf last, but
gave a little bit to the mule, wondering why he didn't go chop at some of the green grass that
grew around the back of the barn. Apparently the bread tasted better than grass for he just sat on
his haunches before me and drooled.

Cu came sauntering out of the nearby inn an hour after I'd finished my bread. I was
attempting to teach Fractious the mule how to play Tic-Tac-Toe on a game board scratched out
in the dirt. He just wasn't getting the hang of it. I was about ready to give up the attempt when
my Tuatha Dé guide appeared. Cu was drinking down the last of a pint of beer and eating
the last of what appeared to be a hamburger with all the trimmings when he reached me. I found
myself drooling into Fractious the mule's already significant drool puddle, which had been
muddying up our Tic-Tac-Toe game. How the hell do you stop a mule from drooling,
anyway?