Fractious (3 page)

"Yeah," he said with a growl. "I don't know why you can see me either. That reminds
me." He took off his bright green top hat and hit me again.

Angry, I said, "Why do you keep doing that?!"

"Doesn't make sense," the leprechaun who didn't like being called a leprechaun muttered
to himself. "Usually I find them in the emergency room," he continued, still muttering to himself.
"You been hit on the head recently?" he said.

"Yes."

"Okay, now it makes sense."

I blinked.

"I'm Cu," he said.

"Koo?" I repeated, while still blinking rapidly in a futile attempt to un-see him.

"It's Irish, asshole."

"So you really
are
a leprechaun," I said, feeling a bit triumphant.

"Cu," he repeated. "C-u. And I'm not a fucking leprechaun. I'm one of the Tuatha
Dé."

"What the hell's that?" I said.

The leprechaun who was not a leprechaun and apparently wanted to be called one of the
Tuatha Dé said, "Never you mind. Point is, a certain somebody likes you and since that
certain somebody has authority over me, I'm here to bring you with me."

"To where? Leprechaun land?" I ducked the swinging bright green top hat but he
clocked me in the back of the head. "I mean, to Tuatha Dé land?"

"Listen to me, fucker," the Tuatha Dé who I will no longer call a leprechaun
because it apparently pisses him off royally said. "You come with me or I kill you.
¿Comprende?
"

"What's that mean?" I said, rubbing the back of my head.

"Get up," he said.

I did. "Is that what
comprende
means?" I said.

He ignored this to say, "Since you're so damned interested in that tree which happens to
be my home, I'm going to take you there. Get it?"

I nodded, then shook my head.

He hopped down off the bench and grabbed hold of my right hand and began to drag
me. I planted my feet but he was surprisingly strong for a leper-- A Tuatha Dé. He yanked
me right off my feet and began to drag me back to his elm tree.

There wasn't much I could do about it, since he was so damned strong, so I just went
along with it. I didn't fight him nor did I make any attempt to get back on my feet and walk like a
normal human being, although I was beginning to feel less and less than a normal human being
as the minutes passed.

Anybody who was watching this scene unfold would have seen a man in a fedora and
detective-like trench coat sliding along the ground without any help from any seen being.
Anybody probably would have either been intrigued or gone to a psychiatrist, which is probably
what I should have done upon first seeing the little man in the bright green top hat. Instead, I was
being dragged towards a tree.

Cu stopped before his tree and looked down at my baffled face. "Now, this might feel a
little funny, but you'll get used to it."

I wouldn't have been able to heed his warning even if I'd tried. But since I had no idea
what exactly was in store for me, I didn't even bother to try.

I found myself face up on the floor of what appeared to be a home cut into the middle of
a tree that was much larger than the tree I'd come to think of as The Leprechaun Tree. I knew I'd
have to rethink that name, since what I was dealing with apparently wasn't a leprechaun but a
Tuatha Dé. Whatever the hell that meant.

Cu bent over me and set a metal bucket down on my chest. "You might need that."

I sat up and promptly made good use of the bucket.

Cu gave me a disgusted look as I handed it back to him. "Gross," he said. "What the hell
have you been eating?"

"Flour paste," I said, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "Not bad once you get
used to it."

"You're disgusting," he said, putting the bucket aside. He stuck out his tongue in a
grossed out manner and sat on the floor beside me. He grabbed my chin in his hand and moved
my head around, examining me closely. "You'll live. Not much good you'll do me, though."

"Then why'd you bring me here?" I said, as I looked around.

"I was ordered," Cu said.

"Oh," was my answer.

The room I was in looked like something out of a Tolkien novel. I half expected a
couple of Hobbits to come waltzing by. The walls were obviously part of the tree and there were
roots strangling a coat rack in the far corner. The furniture was plain wood with no stain
whatsoever and looked to be made from untouched and untainted tree branches. The dining
table's legs had knobs and knots in them as did the chairs'. A bed sat in a corner with brown
burlap-looking linens on it. The bed was unmade, if that makes any difference.

The kitchen looked like the rest of the place, except there was a mini-Frigidaire
rumbling away, with its white polished front surface showing a wavy reflection of the room. It
was the only modern amenity I could see. A tree root studio apartment. Everything was Hobbit
sized. I couldn't have fit my top half in the bed let alone my long legs. Perfect Cu sized
furniture.

"So where am I?" I said as I got to my feet.

"Mind your head," Cu said.

I promptly smacked the top of my head against the ceiling.

"You need to work on your timing," I said, as I once again found myself rubbing the top
of my head. "Again I ask, where am I?"

"This is my home," Cu said, standing as well, although his head came nowhere near the
ceiling, even with his bright green top hat on. "Wanna beer?"

"Um, sure?" I said, standing bent over to accommodate the not so high as I first thought
ceilings. "And where exactly
is
your home?"

"In your favorite elm tree," Cu said, opening the Frigidaire and bringing me a Stella
Artois.

"Seriously?" I took the beer.

"Yes, I live in that tree," Cu said. He rolled his eyes as if he had already explained this
to me a dozen times and not just a couple. As if he expected me to get it after only a couple of
explanations.

"No," I said, since I hadn't been talking about the tree at all. "I mean you seriously drink
this crap?"

"What do you expect me drink?" he snarled.

"I dunno, Guinness?"

He took off his bright green top hat.

I ducked, expecting an impact, but instead he just hung it up on a coat rack.

"Some people never learn," he said.

"Especially if you don't teach them properly," I muttered. "Or let them ditch class."

"What did you say?" He turned on me as if he was going to attack, with or without his
bright green top hat.

I felt a hint of my old fear again and cringed.

"You're messed up, man," he said. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Did I?"

"Did you what?"

"Tell you my name?"

Cu raised an eyebrow. "That's why I'm asking, isn't it?" He gave his head a shake and
made a disgusted sound.

"Guy," I said quietly.

He chuckled. "Oh, yeah, you did tell me. You gotta last name?"

"Fractious," I said. "Guy Fractious."

"What kind of stupid name is that?"

"Not one I would have given myself," I said. And seriously; Guy was not my first choice
in names. If I had had a say, I'd have been named Carlo or Brad. Certainly not Guy. And
certainly not Cu. And most certainly not Fractious. My middle name makes it all the more worse
but I'm not about to reveal that until the perfect plot point. Hell, I never revealed my middle
name to anyone until about a quarter of the way into this story. But anyway, "What the hell kinda
name is Cu?" I said.

"I told you, it's Irish."

"But you don't sound Irish. You don't have the accent. And you said you aren't a
leprechaun."

He glared at me with his badass blue eyes. "You think all short people are leprechauns?
And you think all leprechauns are
Irish
?"

"If they wear green top hats I do."

Cu had me back on the ground in a second, before I even knew what had happened.
Even now, I still can't figure out what happened. He showed me one of his pudgy, balled up fists
and held it in front of my nose for emphasis. "I don't like you," he said. "I don't want you here
and if I could just dump you back in your world I would. But I was told to bring you here so I
did. There are some people you just don't argue with. Now you are coming with me and you
aren't going to make anymore cracks or you'll be prying my fist out of your brain with a
crowbar."

I couldn't help myself. It's just my nature. Or maybe I can blame it on my name... "How
could I be functioning to even
use
a crowbar if your fist is wedged in my brain?"

* * * *

I followed behind Cu with two pieces of tissue paper stuffed into my still-bleeding nose,
although the river had finally dwindled to a simple trickle. Finally. Every now and then I sniffed
and tasted blood in my mouth but the first time I spit it out, Cu turned on me and struck me with
his bright green top hat. He couldn't reach my head if I wasn't sitting or bending down so he hit
me where he could reach me, which was my midsection. Since I still had at least one minor crack
in one of my ribs, a strike with a bright green top hat just once was enough to make me learn my
lesson. It hurt enough to make me stop spitting and start swallowing.

A couple of times during our trek I wished for that good old metal bucket I'd
encountered upon my arrival in this world, but then I thought about Cu making me clean it out
before we left on this part of our journey and decided I didn't so much want the bucket anymore.
I say "this part of our journey" because I knew, even then, that this little trip in Tuatha Dé
world wasn't going to be just some three hour tour. If Cu was that pissed about my being in his
world, I had a feeling I'd be here a while.

Cu wasn't too much of a host. He had tied a rope tightly around my left wrist to keep me
in tow, and he kept pulling on this rope when I slowed down. For a little man, he walked pretty
fast and yanked pretty hard. At times I was trotting just to keep up, and my wrist was red and raw
by the time we got to where we were going. Which, by the way...

"Where are you taking me?" I said when we were about a mile out from his tree home,
which looked exactly like the same tree from the park except now it was in a forest full of other
similar trees.

"How many times do I have to tell you to shut the fuck up?" he shouted back at me.
"We're almost there and then you'll see where the hell I'm taking you."

"Okay," I muttered. "I was just asking."

So I followed like a bummed out dog behind Cu through a woods full of similar looking
trees. The ground beneath my feet was much like the floor of any normal woods; dirt enhanced
with dried leaves and more dirt. The sky above was much like the sky of home; blue. There were
birds calling in the trees and I could hear animals rustling, but I never saw anything. All I saw
was a bright green top hat on the shaggy head of a man who called himself Cu and was a part of
something else called the Tuatha Dé. Whatever that meant.

Another half mile went past before we came across a stream with a quaint little bridge
built over it. We went over the bridge and Cu made a right turn when the path came to a fork. I
barely had time to read the names on the sign, which had no meaning to me. Off in the direction
we were headed was a place called Murias and in the opposite direction was Magh Tuiredh. I
couldn't even pronounce the second name and wasn't quite sure about the first. Whatever they
meant and however they were pronounced, Cu was taking me to Murias. I didn't have much to
say on the matter since I was tied to Cu, so I followed obediently.

The landscape began to change after we walked another half mile. The elms thinned out
and the forest with its similar trees disappeared. We entered a large plain that supported a
bustling burg. I felt like I'd just walked into a medieval market place surrounded by thatched
roofed huts. The people there were all much like the man who was leading me around like a
donkey; short with shaggy hair and looking much like leprechauns. A few even wore bright
green top hats.

"What's with the bright green top hats?" I felt the need to ask, after which I ducked in
expectation of a smack with said bright green top hat.

Instead, Cu answered me as if he'd always been a gentleman and was not leading me
around with a rope tied to my wrist. "It marks us as members of the king's company," he said
with pride. "Only the elitist of the elite wear these hats."

We entered the township as I thought over why someone would choose bright green top
hats as a symbol of anything, especially the elite. I towered over everybody and felt a little like
Bill Murray in Japan in that movie Sophia Coppola made, something about translating? I forget.
But I felt like Bill Murray in that movie. The tallest person in the town came up to my waist and
the shortest was below my knees. The kids were part of the shortest category, and there were a
lot of them running amok and laughing and pointing at me. I only laughed and pointed back but
that did nothing to deter them in any way. It only made me feel stupid.

As we walked through the market place, I saw chickens that were too small to be
chickens, a dude wearing a purple sash and plaid pants on a very small pony, and a cart full of
something that looked like beets. They were alive and kicking, -and were being sold to the
unwary people around the cart.

Cu veered off to the left and took me down another pathway to a large hut. Another man
in a bright green top hat nodded and opened the wood-grained door to the hut. I had to duck until
I was nearly bent in half to get inside but the hut's ceilings were high enough so I could almost
stand upright. Cu gave a yank on my lead and I followed him until we stood before a raised
platform. On said platform was a throne that appeared to be made out of the twisted branches of
some kind of tree. The branches were so twisted that the throne looked unsteady and about to fall
over. Cu and I just stood there alone for a moment before a man came out from a side
chamber.