Fractious (4 page)

"Ah, Cu," the man said as he sat in the throne that apparently wasn't unsteady at all,
since it didn't fall over when it took his weight. And the way he said the leprecha... eh, Tuatha
Dé's name, he might as well have been sneezing.

"Okay." Cu hooked his thumb over his shoulder at me. "You wanted him. I brought him.
Can I go now?"

The man, who must have been the king since he was sitting on a throne and wore a red
robe with white trim but looked more like a thin, smaller version of Santa Claus, actually smiled
down at me.

I felt a little unnerved by said smile, mainly because he looked like a psychopathic Santa
ready to chuck gifts at my head. Even though he didn't chuck anything at me, I still felt
unnerved.

"Welcome," the king said. "I am Mac Gréine, king of the Tuatha Dé."

Still unnerved. "Is anyone ever going to tell me what the hell the Tuatha Dé are?"
I said instead of voicing my uneasiness.

The king was more patient and less violent and virile than Cu. He didn't even have a
bright green top hat to hit me with. "We are the gods' chosen people."

"You're Jewish?"

Mac Gréine raised an eyebrow in an uncanny imitation of my former workmate,
Crista. People are always raising their eyebrows at me for some reason.

"Okay, so you're not Jewish," I muttered. "What the hell are you?"

The king gave a loud sigh, as if I was irritating him or something. "We are the former
inhabitants of what is now called Ireland," he said, "cast out by a druid warlock who had a
long-standing feud with one of my ancient ancestors."

"Oh," was my answer to his explanation.

"The Tuatha Dé have been at peace for many years," Mac Gréine
continued. "But now war is upon us again."

I held up a hand. "Let me guess, that's where I come in, right?"

"I am to assume Cu explained that to you then," Mac Gréine said.

I shook my head. "Nah, that's just the way these fairy quest things go, isn't it?"

"Asshole," I heard Cu mumble behind me.

"Can I hit him?" I asked the king, pointing over my shoulder at the man with the bright
green top hat.

"Cu is my most trusted advisor," King Mac Gréine said firmly. "No, you cannot
hit him."

"He hits me all the time." I pouted. "With his bright green top hat. And he cusses a lot.
A
whole
lot."

Cu grumbled something from behind me but I didn't quite catch what he said. All I
caught were the words "donkey" and "fruitcake." I couldn't formulate a single sentence that
would have both words in it at once. Must have been a Tuatha Dé kind of thing.

"So," I continued after being faced with a bit of silence. "What exactly am I doing here
anyway, Mac?"

"Mac?" the king repeated.

"Yeah," I said with a shrug. "I thought that was your first name. Mac," I gestured with
one hand. "Gréine." I gestured again with my other hand. "That makes you Mac.
Right?"

"Whatever," the king said with a nonchalant shake of his head and a blasé wave. I
don't think he cared in the least what I called him, as long as I did whatever it was that he wanted
me to do. But apparently his people weren't too keen on explaining outright, for he said, "What
do they call you?"

"Well, Cu calls me asshole," I said.

"Okay, Asshole," Mac said.

I held up my hands in protest. Then I pointed back over my shoulder at the bright green
top-hatted man. "No, that's just what Cu calls me. That isn't my name."

"Then why did you tell me it was your name?" Mac said.

"I didn't," I said. "I said that's what he called me."

"Then what the fuck is your name?"

"Are you all so foul mouthed?" I said.

"Yes."

"Okay then." I muttered, satisfied with his answer. "My actual name is Guy
Fractious."

"What kind of stupid name is that?"

"Yeah, tell me about it." I cleared my throat as Mac just stared at me, contemplating
who knew what. "So. Is anybody gonna tell me what this is all about?"

Mac echoed my clearing of the throat. "A long time ago, the Tuatha Dé came to
Ireland from Nemed."

"What's a Nemed?"

"It's where we're from," Mac said.

"Yeah, but where is that?"

"No one is really sure," he said.

"Then how do you know you're from there?" I said, my curiosity piqued to the point of
lack of oxygen.

"Legend says."

"But how do you know it's
really
where you're from?"

"Do you ever stop asking questions?!"

I shook my head. "No."

"Well stop it, shut up and listen!"

I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted. "Fine. I'm listening. But don't tell me
anything that you don't know is true. And I mean
real
true. Not true according to legend
or I heard it through the grapevine true.
Real
true. The
truest
true."

Mac was silent.

I stared at him for a while before I couldn't take it anymore. "Why'd you stop
talking?"

"Because nothing I can tell you is most definitely
true
."

I rolled my eyes. I was already getting really tired of these Tuatha Dé people, who
didn't seem to have a clue who the hell they were, where they came from or what the hell they
wanted to do with me. Whatever Mac had to tell me was probably just hearsay, anyway.

Cu, who was still standing at attention behind me, cleared his throat. "
Now
can
I go?"

"No, dammit!" Mac shouted, thumping a meaty fist down on the arm of his wobbly
throne.

Much to my surprise, the thing still did not collapse. Some kind of miracle Tuatha
Dé engineering, I guessed. I really wanted one of those things to take home with me.

I swayed back and forth on my feet, bored. "Is anyone ever going to tell me why I'm
here? Or should I just find a seat and order dinner?"

"Listen up, you--" Cu came over to me, clutching his bright green top hat in a
threatening manner.

"That's enough, Cu," Mac said, holding up a hand.

Much to the return of my surprise, Cu put his bright green top hat back safely on his
head where it couldn't hurt me.

Mac turned his attention to me. "My people fought three great battles and lost many
great kings and warriors," he said seriously. "We lost the final battle and were banished here by
the Milesian sorcerer, Amergin and his fellows, Eithear and Uar."

"Huh?" I asked but Mac ignored me and went on.

"Of the three druids, Amergin was strongest but his fellows soon overpowered him and
sent him away to the underworld. Now Amergin has returned with an army and he looks to
destroy our world."

"So what does that have to do with me?" I said.

"We want
you
to stop him." He pointed at me so I'd get the picture.

I didn't. "Stop who?"

"Amergin," Mac said.

"How?"

"Well how the fuck should I know?" Mac said. "We brought you here to figure that out
on your own. If we knew how to stop him, why the hell would we need you?"

"Good question," I said.

Mac stared.

I lifted my empty palms in a shrug that said,
I'm clueless.
Which I was. "How
am I supposed to stop a druid sorcerer dude from destroying your world? And why should I even
care?"

"Because," Mac said.

"Because why?"

"Because you cannot return to your home world unless you do what we ask," Mac
said.

"What if I don't want to return to my home world?"

"Are you shitting me?" Mac said.

"Maybe," I said, making the word sound a lot longer than it really was. "Don't I at least
get a reward or something? A pot of gold maybe?"

Cu's bright green top hat hit me on the head. "We're not fucking leprechauns!" he
hollered as he came around to face me, fists up, ready for a boxing match. He might have been
small but he had fists like ham hocks.

I couldn't help myself. I rarely can. "You aren't
fucking
anyone," I said under
my breath, risking a strike of the bright green top hat that didn't come.

"Why does he think we're leprechauns?" Mac said.

"You wear bright green top hats and come from Ireland," I spoke up. "That would
classify you as leprechauns."

"We come from Nemed," Mac corrected.

"Yet you don't know where that is," I raised a finger like I'd made a score, as if that
would fix my entire situation. Yet...

What did I really have to lose? I'd never been on an adventure. Better than going back
home to my lonely apartment and joblessness and the possible return of my agoraphobia, which
hadn't reared its ugly head since the first time I saw Cu, back when I thought he was a
leprechaun. Shit, I hadn't even filed for unemployment yet. Who was going to pay my rent now?
"Buy me a house," I said suddenly.

"A what?!" This from Cu.

"Buy me a house and we have a deal," I said then held up a finger. "A house in my home
world. And not some shit shack. I want a nice house in Beverly Hills with a yard and a butler. Do
that and I'll vanquish this Amergin for you. Whoever he is."

Mac raised both his eyebrows at me then dropped his chin into his hand in deep
concentration. "That would require an entire pot of gold," he said under his breath.

"Ah hah!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Ah hah what?" said the king.

"You said pot of gold! That proves it! You
are
leprechauns!" I punched my fist
in the air and did a little dance of absolute victory.

Nobody echoed my overjoyed battle cry, but Mac said, "Just for that, you have to take
Cu with you."

"What?!" Cu and I yelled at the same time.

"Take him," Mac said with yet another wave of his hand. "He gets on my goddamned
nerves anyway."

Cu and I glared at each other. I didn't like him because he'd made me look like some
kind of crazy fool who hung out in the park every day and stared at elm trees. He didn't like me
because I'd been sitting in front of his door and had vomited flour paste into the bucket he
seemed to keep around for just such an occasion.

The last person I wanted to have along with me was Cu, simply because I thought he'd
keep me tied to him for the entire length of our journey or else find some other way to torture
me. I'm sure Cu felt the same way about me, which he demonstrated in the usual way. I began to
wonder how his bright green top hat kept its perfect shape after so much hitting.

I was rubbing my head as I agreed. "Okay then. You buy me the house I want and get
me a butler so I don't have to do laundry and our deal is settled."

"Okay then," Mac echoed. "You and Cu will leave immediately. I've already arranged
for a pair of horses and a pack mule to accompany you."

"That's accompaniment?" I said, but Mac ignored me.

"So stop standing around and get the hell out of here!" the king yelled. "You two look
like doofs. Go away!"

I followed a reluctant Cu out of the building and back out into the sunshine of Tuatha
Dé land, or whatever it was they called it.

* * * *

"Come on, Fractious," Cu said, but he wasn't talking to me. He'd named the stubborn
mule Fractious, which was going to create some confusion as I too, answered to that name.

"That mule doesn't like you," I said to Cu as I trotted, completely unbalanced on my
pony. The little horse was so small that my feet dragged on the ground and I had to cross my
ankles on his neck to sit even somewhat comfortably.

"Asshole," Cu muttered but I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or to the mule, although
I doubted he'd use such a bad name when speaking to the mule.

Poor Fractious the mule was laden with burlap bags filled with food and stuffs. A
wineskin thumped against his rump, and I longed to get my hands on it, but the first time I'd
reached for it, Cu had thumped me on the shin with his bright green top hat, claiming the entire
skin for himself.

"Fine, have your wine from a goat's stomach," I had said to him, sticking out my tongue
for good measure and emphasis. Now I wished I'd been nicer so maybe he'd let me have a sip
sometime. It would have been nice to have some alcohol on that journey. Cu and I had been
riding two of our three four-legged companions for two hours now through dense forests and
denser silence. At least he'd untied my wrist.

I didn't blame Cu for not talking to me and having long and intimate conversations with
Fractious the mule. He didn't want to be here any more than I did. And he was here because of
one of my stupid cracks. Though his being here with me was apparently punishment on my
account, because there seemed to be nothing to punish him for except for being completely
annoying to his king, Mac Gréine. I wasn't sure I really understood these Tuatha Dé
people and I'm not really sure I do now.

"So, Cu," I said, after standing around for fifteen minutes watching him try to get the
mule to move from its position with its gray ass on the ground. Fractious the mule was having no
more of this journey, apparently, but that didn't mean I couldn't try my hand at small talk.
"Where ya from?"

"Brooklyn," Cu said.

"You don't have a Brooklyn accent," I said.

"And you don't have that asshole accent though you are definitely from Asshole
Land!"

I shut up.

Fractious the mule gave a perturbed bray before hauling his great gray butt off the
ground and getting on the move again. I went to my brown eyed, brown haired pony and
straddled him. He turned back to look at me, probably thinking this whole charade of my riding
him was really ridiculous. Which it was. So was going on a mysterious quest to find some dude
named Amergin, who had once vanquished the entire population of the Tuatha Dé to this
land for no reason I could fathom, so I could stop him from bringing about death and destruction
once more. If death and destruction were really his intent. He could just be trying to bring about
the end of the world for all I knew, and who was I to try to stop that?