Freakshow (17 page)

Rose had gone for dinner without me, but only after she’d asked me a hundred times or so to join her. She was worried about me, and with good reason.

I was a mess. Truly a pathetic mess of a woman, and all over a man.

And I wasn’t even sure if Orion was being truthful, I needed to hear it from Cairo’s lips before I believed a word. My gut told me it felt right, there was something else going on in his life.

A knock at the door dragged me from half sleep. I held my breath, listening, not entirely sure if it had been from the dream side or this side of my brain.

I heard it again, it was real.

I got up, pulled my robe tight and went to the front of the trailer.

“Who is it?” I asked and peeked out the window.

Before he even answered, I saw his face, Cairo.

“It’s me, Liv,” he said through the closed door.

The moment of truth, my hand shook as I unlocked and opened the door, swung it wide and saw his grin.

“Fuck, you look amazing,” he said and stepped into the space that suddenly felt miles too small. I backed away and looked him up and down. He was fucking delicious.

“Where have you been?” I asked and crossed my arms in front of me. It was hard to be angry when he looked that good. Why did he have to look so damned good? “I even called you, I was worried.”

“I lost my phone,” he replied. I wanted to believe him, he sounded so sincere. I shot him a skeptical look and watched him squirm. “I left it in a cab in Vancouver. I had to get a replacement, but they couldn’t keep my old number and I don’t have anybody’s contact information.” He held up an obviously brand new phone, his old one had been beaten up and a few years out of date. I’d loved it though, that it had marked him as so against the grain.

“You couldn’t get a hold of your father? He was asking about you this morning.”

“You’ve been working with him? Has he been okay with you?”

“Yes, and you didn’t answer my question.”

“No, I don’t know my father’s number. I couldn’t text. I knew I was coming back today anyways, so it didn’t seem like a big deal.”

I stood with my feet apart and my arms crossed and stared him down. Finally I got the courage to ask the question I’d been dreading, simply because I was terrified of the answer.

“Cai, I want you to be honest with me. Are you engaged?”

He sucked in his breath, ran his hand through his long, tangled hair and stared back at me. I could almost see the gears moving in his head as he formulated his response. By the time he whispered his reply, I already knew what he was going to say. “Yes,” his voice broke with emotion and I could almost see whatever we’d been building crumble slowly into the sea.

“Please leave,” I said, my voice low and steady. I needed him to leave so I could collapse along with the fledgling relationship I’d been imagining.

“It’s not like that, Liv,” he said and took a step towards me.

“It never is, is it? I said go.”

“Let me explain, please.”

“How could you possibly talk your way out of this one?”

“It’s not how it appears, I promise. You mean so much to me, you’ve changed everything. Everything I meant to do or say, standing up to my father...I couldn’t do it until I met you. You do that for me, Liv. You give me the option to disobey him.”

“We barely know each other,” I replied. My voice was flat, devoid of emotion and I almost choked on my words. “You’re nothing to me, please leave.”

“You know that’s not true,” he said, his eyes pleading with me. “I’ve felt it, I know you’ve felt it. This is like being struck by lightning, one in a million. This is the thing that people talk about, Liv. You know it’s real, you can’t deny it.”

“You need to leave,” I said with a tinge of hysteria creeping into my voice. “GET OUT!” I finally screamed, losing control and starting to cry. I rushed at him and pounded his chest with my fists. He tried to grab my wrists but I pulled away. “You fucking liar,” I spat, “I won’t be
that
girl, the other woman. I won’t ruin your fiancée’s life because you can’t keep your cock in your pants!”

That cock, that stupid beautiful, thick cock. I hated myself for wanting him, even now in the midst of his lies and our ruin.

He backed up towards the door and turned to leave. As he hit the ground, he turned back and looked up at me. “If this is what you want, I’ll go,” he said, “but I’ll make things right for you, Liv. I will convince you to give me another chance. I don’t give up easy, so be prepared for me to come for you when I’m free and clear.”

I didn’t answer. I jerked the door to the trailer shut and twisted the lock angrily. I stumbled back to my room and threw myself across the bed to process the shit storm I found myself in.

Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of the emotions racing through me at that moment; nothing could have helped me forget about Cairo and how much I’d wanted him to be the one. My one.

As much as I kept reminding myself of the horrible reality that he was a liar and a cheater, worse than Jason even, I couldn’t prevent my mind from drifting to the intimate moment’s we’d spent together.

All the little actions that make up a sexual encounter. Every little noise, whispers of skin on skin, thrill of another person’s touch. And his mouth on mine, and on my clit. His eyes, the way they shone when he brought me to orgasm. The guttural exclamation when he ejaculated in my mouth, his hands woven in my hair as though that were the one thing that kept him grounded, steady on the planet.

And his mouth, always back to his mouth. The tickle of beard as he kissed me and breathed out into me, the slide of his tongue as he reclaimed the breath and brought it back into him. In and out, back and forth, circling and cycling for what I had hoped would be longer than a fucking day.

The time it takes the earth to spin on its axis, and my world was turned upside down.

I hurt. I curled myself into a tiny ball and let myself cry.

It hurt like a mother fucker, like nothing I’d ever felt before, and for once this wasn’t a good thing.

For once I didn’t want to be like everybody else and feel this pain. For once, for possibly the first time, I wanted my heart to be as dead as my skin, immune to the sharp shards of hurt slicing me to bits as I cried.

And cried.

*****

I
refused to be late for rehearsal and I refused to let Cairo and Orion get to me, so I forced myself up and out of my bed into the shower.

I even looked normal after I’d finished with my makeup and hair.

I walked to the performers tent a few minutes early and saw the other performers leaving, rushing out of there in Orion’s wake.

I smiled and said hello to the girls leaving at the end, tall beauties who were joined at the hip. They had two torsos, two legs, and a couple of huge grins when I greeted them. Stuff like this didn’t even phase me anymore, that’s what three weeks of working at Cirque did to a person.

Give me another month and I’d be desensitized to it all.

“You’re very early today,” Orion announced as I approached the stage. Like I didn’t fucking know.

“I am,” I declared as I stood in front of him, “tonight’s the big night.”

“It is,” he said, “we will go to wardrobe after this and find you a costume. We will practice, but I will not hit you. I just need the same level of drama you managed the time I drew blood. I will aim for the other side,” he continued and touched my upper arm, “here.”

“Sounds good,” I said but he didn’t remove his finger. He was looking at my skin, as though able to see beneath the surface to my muscle, blood and bones. I felt naked before him, his gaze was so intense. “You want to strap me in?” I asked to break the uncomfortable silence.

As though breaking his spell, my words snapped him out of it, he pulled his hand back like it burned and said, “Yes, very well.”

We made it through rehearsal and I found out that I could now turn on the wheel and put my brain on autopilot. If I didn’t think, things went smoother for me.

It seemed like all of life was like that these days.

I was walking across the Cirque grounds to wardrobe with Orion when we ran into Cairo.

“Did you get the reports I sent you?” Cairo asked his father, but he stood in front of me and looked me in the eyes.

“Yes, yes,” Orion replied in an uninterested tone. He waved his hand dismissively and said, “We have things to do, so excuse us.”

“Where are you going?” Cai asked, still not looking away from me.

“Wardrobe,” his father replied.

“Good, I’ll tag along,” Cairo said and wouldn’t be dissuaded by the dark look I threw his way. He simply raised an eyebrow and smiled at me.

Why did he have to be so damned charming, and why did my body have to respond the way it did every time he was near?

Orion didn’t seem very pleased by the time we got to wardrobe. He dragged a couple of costumes off the racks and tossed them towards me. “Try the red one on first, it will compliment my tie.”

I went behind the curtain and dragged myself into the tight little dress. It was strapless but hung below my knees. I could barely breathe though as it was so snug. Luckily it was a somewhat stretchy material, so I could manage a few shallow breaths at a time.

I could hear Cairo and his father talking in low voices outside, but couldn’t quite pick up on what they were saying. They sounded pissed off.

I held still and focused on their voices, determined to listen in. I caught Cairo’s voice, deep and angry, like a growl. “Stay the fuck out of it, you have no right.”

Orion’s voice was low and dangerous when he replied, “I have every right, you are my son. Have you even told her what we are? I didn’t think so or else she would have run away by now.”

“Let’s not do this here,” Cai growled and both men fell silent. I took this as my cue to come out, so I swept the curtain back and stepped into the light.

The reaction was immediate, both men jumped to their feet, their jaws agape. I almost laughed at their expressions; father and son wore the same one. Orion’s looked a little more feral though, dangerous, while Cairo looked like he could bury his beautiful face in between my thighs and force me into rolling wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure.

I focused on Orion, ignoring Cai. “Is it okay?” I asked and tugged at the dress under my armpit, it felt like it was bunching up and being strapless, I couldn’t wear a bra. I felt naked.

“It will do,” Orion replied in an even tone, but his eyes betrayed his hunger. I tried not to shudder around him, now more than ever. I deliberately didn’t look at Cairo when I turned back to take it off. As I slid the curtain back in place, I did catch his look...his face was shining with pure desire but with something else playing across his features.

If he weren’t engaged to some contortionist from Eastern Europe, I would have thought it was love.

But it couldn’t be love and it would never be love, not while he was a taken man.

I slid the dress off and felt relief and sorrow when Cairo called out to me, telling me he’d see me later, he had business to attend to.

I didn’t want to be cruel, I wasn’t a heartless person, but I was too broken to respond. He waited for my reply, I could feel his anticipation hanging heavy in the air, and his disappointment as he drew in a breath and finally left.

I put on my own clothes and draped the dress over my arm, fixed a smile on my face and pulled the curtain aside once again.

I hid my own disappointment when I saw Orion waiting for me. I really wasn’t in the mood to keep up my act for much longer. I wanted to head back to my trailer and curl into a ball of misery.

He nodded towards the door we’d come in and said, “Wait here, Gert will be along to fit you with shoes and work on your hair and make-up.”

He left without another word. I drew in a long shuddering breath and sat on the stool next to the curtained change room until Gert arrived and broke me out of my melancholy ponderings.

By the time the older woman was done, I looked incredible. My hair was tamed into deliberate chaos. It was twisted into elaborate braids with crystals and woven pieces of colourful cloth threaded throughout. My make-up was dramatic, much more than I was used to, but I had to admit I liked it. Gert had used a thick foundation and slashed colours across the rest of my face, like I belonged in a David Bowie music video from the eighties.

Gert had also given me my fill of Cirque gossip, none of it useful to me for finding Cara or deciphering Cairo, but it was entertaining to hear about the antics of my fellow performers.

It solidified the idea that had been growing in the back of my mind, the idea that in the Cirque I might find acceptance. Among the freaks I was normal.

I had found family, in spite of the upheaval I felt around Cairo. I wanted to stay, and had decided I would do whatever it took to remain with the group.

Even if it meant facing him and his future bride. Even if it meant my heart breaking every time I saw them together.

Even if it meant cocooning my heart and letting myself give up on love.

I would do it to stay, to feel normal and welcome for the first time in my life.