Free-Range Chickens (3 page)

How my mother imagined the police

FIRST OFFICER:
I just got a call from a local mother. Apparently her child was supposed to be home by six—and he still hasn’t arrived.

SECOND OFFICER:
Jesus Christ. It’s almost
seven.
Are you sure she told him to be home by six?

FIRST OFFICER:
Yes, that’s his weekday curfew: six
P.M
. If he stays out past that hour, he’s supposed to call and tell her where he is.

SECOND OFFICER:
And you’re telling me he
still hasn’t called
?

FIRST OFFICER:
I know…it’s a pretty scary situation.

SECOND OFFICER:
We better get the chief.

CHIEF:
Let me get this straight…the mother still hasn’t received a call from her son?

FIRST OFFICER:
No, Chief.

CHIEF:
Then we can only assume the worst has happened.

SECOND OFFICER:
You mean…a hit-and-run?

CHIEF:
Either that or a kidnapping. They’re both very real possibilities. Get Washington on the horn. This is a job for the FBI.

FBI AGENT:
All right, everybody, listen up. We’ve got a
Code Red.
A fifteen-year-old child has been missing for nearly an
hour
and he has had no contact whatsoever with his mother. Grab your guns and your helicopters and let’s get moving!

FIRST OFFICER:
(shaking his head)
What’s the point, sir? It’s been so long…he’s almost certainly dead!

FBI AGENT:
(Slaps him.)
We got to keep looking, for the mother’s sake. Even if it’s just to find the body.

SECOND OFFICER:
(in tears)
Chief, we found him! He was at a friend’s house playing video games!

CHIEF:
Oh, thank God—I thought for sure we’d lost him!

FBI AGENT:
(lighting a cigarette)
We got lucky this time. Let’s hope to Christ there ain’t a next time.

CHIEF:
(mopping the sweat off his face)
I’m getting too old for this.

FBI AGENT:
All I can say is: Thank God that boy’s mother called. If we hadn’t located him when we did, he almost certainly would have been killed somehow.

Ninth-grade experiments

1

OBSERVATION:
None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool.

RESEARCH:
My older brother told me that the political hardcore band Rage Against the Machine is cool.

HYPOTHESIS:
If I pretend to be really into the political hardcore band Rage Against the Machine, then the girls in my class will think that I’m cool.

MATERIALS:

1 Rage Against the Machine album

1 Rage Against the Machine T-shirt

1 Rage Against the Machine bandanna

METHODS:

1) Wear the T-shirt and bandanna every single day for an entire month.

2) Make fun of everybody in the class for listening to bands that are less politically intense than Rage Against the Machine. Especially make fun of the girls who I am trying to impress.

3) Quote Rage Against the Machine lyrics constantly, regardless of the situation.

4) If someone asks me what I’m talking about, roll my eyes and say, “You probably wouldn’t get it. It has to do with communism.”

5) If someone calls my bluff and asks me what communism is, bang my fist against the table and say, “
God,
stop being such a
poser
!”

WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT
? No.

2

OBSERVATION:
None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool.

RESEARCH:
Mike Cobalt wears gel in his hair and the girls think he’s cool.

HYPOTHESIS:
If I wear gel in my hair, then the girls will think I’m cool.

MATERIAL:
1

large bottle of Dep Shaping Gel (Extra Super Hold)

METHODS:

1) Wear gel in my hair every day for a week.

2) When my mom stops me at the elevator every morning and begs to help me use the gel because I “don’t understand how it works,” become so furious with her that I’m almost at the brink of tears.

WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT
? No.

3

OBSERVATION:
None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool. But one of the girls in my history class has started being nice to me.

RESEARCH:
Sometimes when I’m eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, she sits down next to me, voluntarily. One time, when the two of us were alone in an elevator, she said, “God, Saturdays are so boring. I wish someone would take me to a
movie
or something.”

HYPOTHESIS:
If I ask her out, she might say yes—as long as I do it in a super-slick way.

MATERIALS:
3

cans of Jolt cola

METHODS:

1) Go to the bathroom at lunch and drink all three cans of Jolt to “get pumped.”

2) Walk around her table in a circle until she motions for me to sit down next to her.

3) Pretend that I just noticed for the first time that she was sitting in the cafeteria, even though it’s basically empty except for me and her.

4) Sit down across from her.

5) When she asks me if everything is okay, because parts of my face are twitching, tell her that I’m fine.

6) Don’t say anything for ten whole minutes.

7) Tell her that
The Waterboy
starring Adam Sandler is opening on Friday.

8) Wait a little while for that information to sink in.

9) When she asks me if I’m planning on seeing it, say yes.

10) When she asks me if I’m going to see it
with
anyone, say no.

11) Stare at my tray for a few minutes, until she pokes me on the shoulder and says, “Hey…do you want to ask
me
to go with you?”

12) Look up and nod.

WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT
? Yes!

Choose your own adventure

In Choose Your Own Adventure 17 you were a
prince of England,
jousting your way to the throne! In Choose Your Own Adventure 46 you were a
boy rock star,
jamming your way up the charts! Now, in Choose Your Own Adventure 92, you’re a
grownup,
working as a Corporate Software Designer in Poughkeepsie.

PAGE ONE

You wake up at 7:45. The alarm clock never went off, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve gotten so used to waking up every single day at the same time that it just happens automatically now. You feel so horrible you can barely even believe it. Suddenly you remember that it’s Wednesday. That means there’s going to be one of those Projects Meetings and you’re going to have to sit through the entire three-hour nightmare as soon as you get to work. Maybe you should just call in sick? You have three sick days and you’ve only used one so far. Then again, if you use your second sick day now, you’ll only have one left.

If you decide to use your sick day now, turn to Page Two.

If you decide to save your sick day for some other time, turn to Page Six.

PAGE TWO

You call the office and tell them you’re sick.

“That’s your second sick day,” Nancy tells you. “You only have one left.”

“I know,” you say, hanging up the phone.

How did this happen? How did this become your life?

You try to go back to sleep, but it’s impossible. After about five minutes, you sit up and turn on the television. That’s when you remember: the cable in your apartment is broken and the guy isn’t coming to fix it until Saturday. You flip around for a while, but the only channels you get are CBS and NBC. CBS is playing
The Early Show.
NBC is playing the
Today
show.

If you decide to watch
The Early Show
on CBS, turn to Page Three.

If you decide to watch the
Today
show on NBC, turn to Page Four.

PAGE THREE

You watch
The Early Show.

Turn to Page Five.

PAGE FOUR

You watch the
Today
show.

Turn to Page Five.

PAGE FIVE

You go to the bathroom and look at your face. What happened? You used to be young and it wasn’t so long ago. Jesus. Maybe you should have just gone to work.

THE END

PAGE SIX

You go to work. The Projects Meeting is about as horrible as you expected. It’s just the same thing every time. Mr. Cohen talking about “viability,” and everybody nodding and looking at the clock, waiting for lunch to start, like a bunch of animals. When you get down to it, everybody is basically just an animal—eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping. Dying. Christ. Maybe you should have just called in sick.

THE END

Actor’s nightmare

FORD’S THEATER,
1865

(
LADY HAMPTON
and
LORD HAMPTON
enter stage right.)

LADY HAMPTON:
Good afternoon, sir.

LORD HAMPTON:
Good afternoon.

(President Lincoln shot in the head.)

STAGE MANAGER:
(offstage)
Keep going!

Demands

Dear cops,

I’ll release the hostages if you bring me the following items:

1) Combination to bank vault or some kind of machine that can open vaults

2) A strong bag that is big enough to fit all of the money from the vault

3) A second criminal to help me carry this bag out of the bank

4) Ropes to tie up the hostages so they don’t walk around so much

5) A third criminal with a car who can drive us away as soon as we get outside with the bag

6) MapQuest directions from the bank parking lot to Mexico

7) Some general information on Mexico (what kind of currency they use, which sports are popular there, basic culture things)

8) English to Spanish dictionary

9) Someone needs to go back to my apartment and bring me my asthma inhaler. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or on the little table next to the futon.

10) There’s a small chance I left the stove on in my apartment. I don’t think I did, but I’m a little bit worried because I can’t actually visualize myself turning it off. Anyway, whichever policeman goes to get the inhaler should also check to make sure the burner is all the way off because I left my cat behind and I don’t want him to inhale any gas.

11) I just realized that someone is going to have to adopt my cat. His name is Rudy and he is very smart and affectionate. I’m not just saying that because he is mine—he is a really special animal. He has a slight bladder problem but it’s not bad as long as you give him his medication (the directions are on the bottle).

12) I forgot to give Rudy his pill this morning. Just give him two tonight. You’re really not supposed to do it like that, but it’s okay if it ends up happening once in a while.

13) Some kind of weapon.

Gotham City Hall

BATMAN:
Thanks for taking the time to meet with me, Mayor.

MAYOR:
Of course, Batman. What’s on your mind?

BATMAN:
It’s about the prison system. I really think you should increase funding.

MAYOR:
We’ve already been over this, Batman. We simply don’t have the resources.

BATMAN:
But Gotham City
needs
a maximum security prison. I mean…look at these statistics.
(Takes out pie chart.)
Scarecrow has escaped eleven times. The Riddler has escaped sixty-four times. The Joker has escaped
four thousand
times. It’s like, what’s the point of even
having
a prison?

MAYOR:
I wish there was something I could do, but the annual budget’s already been finalized.

BATMAN:
You know these guys are trying to kill me, right?

MAYOR:
I’ll tell you what: I can transfer the Joker to the Asylum for the Criminally Insane. That’s a secure location.

BATMAN:
Are you kidding me? That place is a freaking
joke
!

MAYOR:
…

BATMAN:
I’m sorry…I was out of line.

MAYOR:
That’s all right. I know this is an emotional issue for you.

BATMAN:
I just don’t have any confidence in that asylum. Last month they released the Penguin and
three days later
he tried to kill me. I was able to capture him and have him recommitted to the asylum, but they released him again the very next day! He tried to kill me this morning. I barely escaped. He’s still on the loose.

MAYOR:
Believe me, Batman, I sympathize.

BATMAN:
Listen. I’ve been crunching the numbers, and if we eliminate the Gotham Symphony Orchestra, we can hire four extra guards and build a watchtower.

MAYOR:
Batman, the orchestra is one of the jewels of our city.

BATMAN:
I know, I know…but don’t you think we’ve reached a crisis situation?

MAYOR:
It’s just…less costly to keep things the way they are. And besides, you can handle these guys! You’re
Batman.
You don’t need some fancy, expensive new prison.

BATMAN:
Is that new? That flat screen TV?

MAYOR:
…

(Phone rings.)

MAYOR:
Excuse me, Batman.
(Picks up phone.)
Mayor Hayes here…really? Kidnapped? What did the note say? Huh…it sounds like some kind of
riddle.
Nah, don’t worry about the signal. He’s right here.
(Hangs up.)
It seems the governor’s daughter has been kidnapped.

BATMAN:
Again? That’s the third time this month!

MAYOR:
It sounds like the work of the Riddler. Apparently he’s…um…escaped from prison.

BATMAN:
…

MAYOR:
Hey, at least you’re already dressed, right? I mean, that saves us a call on the red phone.

BATMAN:
You know what my red phone bill was last month? Eleven hundred dollars. That money comes straight out of my own pocket.

MAYOR:
Do you want a key to the city?

BATMAN:
I already have seventy-four keys to the city. I don’t need another key to the damn city. All I want is some accountability here.

MAYOR:
I’ll tell you what: I’ll talk to that philanthropist, Bruce Wayne. I bet I can convince him to donate us a prison. That guy’s a real pushover.

BATMAN:
…

MAYOR:
You know there’s a rumor going around that he had a face-lift?

BATMAN:
Really? Who’s been saying that?

MAYOR:
(Shrugs.)
Everybody.