Free-Range Chickens (8 page)

Free-range chickens

—Well, it’s another beautiful day in paradise.

—How’d we get so lucky?

—I don’t know and I don’t care.

—I think I’ll go walk over there for a while. Then I’ll walk back here.

—That sounds like a good time. Maybe I’ll do the same.

—Hey, someone refilled the grain bucket!

—Is it the same stuff as yesterday?

—I hope so.

—Oh, man…it’s the same stuff all right.

—It’s
so good.

—I can’t stop eating it.

—Hey, you know what would go perfectly with this grain? Water.

—Dude. Look inside the other bucket.

—This…is the greatest day of my life.

—Drink up, pal.

—Cheers!

—
(Laughs.)

—
(Laughs.)

—Hey, look, the farmer’s coming.

—Huh. Guess it’s my turn to go into the thing.

—Cool. See you later, buddy.

—See ya.

Dalmatians

—Hey, look, the truck’s stopping.

—Did they take us to the park this time?

—No…it’s a fire. Another horrible fire.

—What the hell is wrong with these people?

Lab study

The FDA banned ephedra last week, after a four-week laboratory study revealed that the drug causes dangerous side effects.

—evening edition

CONTROL MOUSE:
Hey, man, is everything all right? You don’t look so good.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
I don’t know. I’m just…I’m feeling pretty
on edge.

CONTROL MOUSE:
Did something happen?

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
No, it’s nothing specific. I’ve just kind of been in a funk all month. I can’t sleep, can’t eat. I’ve been having some
really
weird dreams.
(Sighs.)
I guess the heat’s just getting to me.

CONTROL MOUSE:
What heat?

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
You don’t feel that? That intense heat?

CONTROL MOUSE:
(shrugging)
I don’t feel anything.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Huh.

CONTROL MOUSE:
You know what it is? You’re probably stressed out about that maze.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Yeah, maybe. I got to admit, that thing’s been getting me pretty frustrated lately. I just don’t get it. We’re the exact same age, we’ve had the exact same training, but you win every single time.

CONTROL MOUSE:
I guess some guys are just more naturally gifted than others.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Yeah, I guess. It’s weird, though…a few weeks ago, I was pretty good at the maze. Sometimes I beat you, sometimes you beat me. We were about even. And then, out of nowhere, I fell into this slump.

CONTROL MOUSE:
It’s not your fault. I’ve just gotten really good lately. Maybe if you tried a little harder, you could catch up?

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Maybe. It’s that flashing light by the second turn that keeps messing me up. Every time

I see it, I start convulsing and foaming at the

mouth.

CONTROL MOUSE:
What flashing light?

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Man…it got
cold
all of a sudden. Aren’t you cold?

CONTROL MOUSE:
No.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Huh. I guess it’s just my side of the cage that keeps changing.

CONTROL MOUSE:
Hey, look, the door’s opening. I think we’re getting a new roommate.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
Oh yeah, here he comes. Whoa…that guy is
huge.

CONTROL MOUSE:
(whispering)
Why do his muscles keep vibrating like that?

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
(whispering)
I don’t know, but it’s really freaking me out.

CREATINE MOUSE:
Hey, punks. I hear you think you’re pretty good at mazes.

EPHEDRA MOUSE:
…

CONTROL MOUSE:
…

CREATINE MOUSE:
Bow down and worship me as you would a god.

Herbert Hoover

HERBERT HOOVER:
If I’m elected president, I promise that there will be a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot.

FIRST CHICKEN:
Jesus Christ, did you guys hear that?

SECOND CHICKEN:
Hear what?

FIRST CHICKEN:
Some guy running for president just said on the radio that he was going to kill one chicken per U.S. family!

SECOND CHICKEN:
Seriously? He singled us out?

FIRST CHICKEN:
Yes.
It was like some kind of crazy vow.

SECOND CHICKEN:
What are we going to do?

Prehistoric life

PREHISTORIC CAMPING

—Hey, man, do you want to go camping this weekend?

—What do you mean?

—I was thinking we could climb a mountain and, you know, hang out for a couple of days.

—Why?

—I don’t know…I just sort of feel like getting away for a while.

—Getting away from what? Are there any predators coming?

—No.

—
Did you see any predators?

PREHISTORIC SMALL TALK

—Hey, Ted. Seen any predators?

—Nope. You?

—Nah. Not lately.

—What are you up to this weekend?

—I don’t know. I’ll probably stand on a rock, look out for predators.

—Yeah, same here.

—Cool. See ya later.

—See ya.

PREHISTORIC MARRIAGE

—Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

—I do.

—Have you seen any predators?

—No.

—Has
anyone
seen any predators?

(pause)

—Okay…we’re safe for a little while.

Everything happens for a reason

ANGEL:
God? Can I ask you a question?

GOD:
Sure, I’m not busy.

ANGEL:
Does everything really happen for a reason?

GOD:
Of course.

ANGEL:
Well, in that case, would it be okay if I asked you to explain…the logic…behind some of your decisions?

GOD:
Fire away.

ANGEL:
Okay. Why did Seth Brody of Hartford, Connecticut, have a seizure while ordering a hamburger at Denny’s?

GOD:
I wanted to see the look on the waitress’s face.

ANGEL:
That’s it? That’s the only reason?

GOD:
That’s the only reason I do anything. To see the look on people’s faces.

ANGEL:
Really? What about World War I?

GOD:
I wanted to see the look on Woodrow Wilson’s face.

ANGEL:
So you never take anything else into account?

GOD:
Hey, look, there’s a guy riding through the desert. I’m going to strike his horse with lightning.

ANGEL:
But he’s fifty miles away from the nearest house! If you kill his horse, he’ll be stranded!

GOD:
(Strikes horse with lightning.)
Oh, man, did you see the look on that guy’s face? He was all like, “Hey, what happened to my horse?”
(Laughs.)
I’m sorry…what were we talking about?

ANGEL:
(Sighs.)
Nothing.

Intelligent design

GOD:
Check out this human I designed.

ANGEL:
Wow, that looks incredible. How does it work?

GOD:
It’s pretty complicated. Point to something and I’ll tell you what it does.

ANGEL:
Okay. What are these?

GOD:
Teeth. They’re for chewing up food.

ANGEL:
How come there are so many of them?

GOD:
I threw in, like, three or four extra. If they don’t like them, they can pull them out somehow, I guess.

ANGEL:
What about this weird bag thing?

GOD:
That’s the appendix.

ANGEL:
What does it do?

GOD:
It explodes.

ANGEL:
Really? That’s all?

GOD:
Pretty much.

ANGEL:
What causes that to happen?

GOD:
It just happens randomly. Like you’ll just be walking down the street or driving a car and
boom.

ANGEL:
Geez…that’s terrifying. Does it kill the person?

GOD:
(Shrugs.)
Sometimes.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

GOD:
Who’s that guy swimming in the lake?

ANGEL:
Joshua Alpert.

GOD:
Really? In that case…
(Strikes lake with lightning.)

ANGEL:
Whoa…
God…why did you
do
that?

GOD:
Oh, he was a horrible human being. He shot his own parents when he was twelve years old. In fact, he was the youngest murderer in the history of Nebraska.

ANGEL:
But…that guy was from Vermont.

GOD:
…

ANGEL:
…

GOD:
Don’t tell me there are
two
Joshua Alperts.

A miracle

After nine nerve-racking months, an Iowa woman gave birth to septuplets yesterday. All seven babies survived and are currently being treated in the hospital’s intensive care unit.

“It’s a miracle,” Dr. Albert Ea said.

“An honest-to-God miracle.”

—evening edition

ANGEL:
God? Can you help me stop this forest fire? It’ll just take a few minutes.

GOD:
Hold on…I’m busy giving this woman extra babies. I’ve already got her up to four.

ANGEL:
Whoa…sir…no offense, but that looks pretty unhealthy.

GOD:
What do you mean? She asked for babies and I’m giving them to her. It’s a miracle.

ANGEL:
I know, and it’s very noble of you to answer her prayers. I just…I don’t understand why she needs so many babies all at once. I mean…wouldn’t it make more sense to space them out?

GOD:
Hey, look, I got it up to five.

ANGEL:
Aren’t you at all nervous about medical complications? I mean…these babies will almost certainly be delivered prematurely. And if that happens, the risk of birth defects will—

GOD:
Six! Check it out—six babies!

ANGEL:
Sir…this is really impressive…but I really think you should focus on the forest fire right now.

GOD:
One more baby.

ANGEL:
Don’t you think six is
enough
?

GOD:
Seven’s the record. I want to try to at least tie it.

ANGEL:
No offense, sir…but I’m not sure if this is the best use of your time.

GOD:
Trust me: people are going to
love
this.

Saint Agnes the martyr

SAINT AGNES:
Oh Father, what a delight it is to finally be in your presence!

GOD:
Do I…know you?

SAINT AGNES:
Well, we’ve never met, but…you might’ve seen me recently.

GOD:
Where?

SAINT AGNES:
In Rome?

GOD:
I’m not…I’m sorry.

SAINT AGNES:
The Colosseum?

GOD:
Wait a minute, I was just watching the Colosseum! Are you one of the Colosseum dancers?

SAINT AGNES:
No.

GOD:
Were you before or after the lion thing?

SAINT AGNES:
During. I was fed to them, for your greater glory.

GOD:
You mean…that was a
religious
thing?

SAINT AGNES:
Yes.

GOD:
Are
all
the lion things religious?

SAINT AGNES:
Yes.

GOD:
Wow. Well, listen…great job out there.