Free-Range Chickens (7 page)

Donors needed

Dear
Mrs. Greenbaum,

My name is Count Dracula and I am president of Red Cross. I write letter to tell you why it is good idea for you to give blood to Red Cross.

For some people, blood makes difference between life and death. Some have had accident. Some have disease. Over five million of the humans need the blood now. So why not you help?

Here is how you donate. First, put blood inside container. Then mail container to:

RED CROSS HEADQUARTERS
CASTLE GOTHICA
CARPATHIA MOUNTAINS, TRANSYLVANIA
99629

You maybe see other letters for Red Cross, telling you to send blood other places. Better to send blood to headquarters.

Giving blood is simple and easy thing. Just take out of neck, put inside container, send to castle.

I know what you say to yourself: “I am too busy to send container of blood. I will send container of blood
next
year.” Let me tell you: blood is needed right now. If you are type of human who like making difference, this is the chance.

You might ask: What happens to my blood when I send in container? I will tell you exactly: your blood will be used for regular human things. It will go inside the bodies of other, regular humans. The blood you send is for the normal humans.

Give the blood. Save life.

Sincerely,

Count Dracula, President of Red Cross

Summers abroad

Hello Teenagers!

Why stay cooped up this summer? When you go on teen tour, you have sightseeing, activities, and education about the cultures. Expand your horizons with once-in-lifetime European Teen Tour!

FIRST STOP:
Castle Gothica, Carpathia Mountains, Transylvania. This scenic place has all the sights you need to start your fun, normal teen tour. It is regular place.

PAYMENT:
European Teen Tour is free. Fly to Transylvania and come to castle. Welcoming hour is Midnight. This is maybe different from some of the hours you are used to. That is because Transylvania is different culture. You will learn about many different culture things on tour.

You bring friends with you to castle.

Count Dracula

Being of sound mind

I, Larry McMullen, a resident of Des Moines, Iowa, being of sound mind and memory, declare this to be my last will and testament.

Firstly, I would like to bequeath my diamond-studded Rolex to
Franz Babinski
, the talented hypnotist who cured me of my smoking addiction this past year. Although I have only known him for a short time, he has become a close and trusted friend.

Secondly, I would like to bequeath my cars (one Porsche convertible and one Range Rover) to
Franz Babinski
, my hypnotist. I cannot fully explain why, but I feel very strongly that he should have the cars.

My fortune is currently valued at eight (8) million dollars. For reasons I cannot fully understand, I would like to give all of it, in its entirety, to
Franz Babinski
. I also feel compelled to give my paintings, clothing, and house to this man.
Franz Babinski
is a very good man.

Any remaining assets should go to my wife and six children.

EXECUTOR:
I,
Franz Babinski,
was present at the signing of the will. I agree to serve as the executor of Mr. McMullen’s estate.

WITNESS:
I, Mrs. McMullen, was present at the signing of my husband’s will. I agree that it is a good idea for
Franz Babinski
to be the executor.
Franz Babinski
is a very good man. He should get all of the things in the will.

SECOND WITNESS:
I, Larry McMullen, Jr., think that
Franz Babinski
is a very good man. He should get all of the things.

Moses

According to the Book of Exodus, God gave Moses 613 commandments on top of Mount Sinai. Everyone knows the first ten, but the others are often ignored. Here are some of them:

608: If a man goes up a mountain for a few days to talk to God, his employer should compensate him for the amount of work he missed while he was gone.

609: If a man goes up a mountain for a few days to talk to God, his wife should be pleasant to him when he returns home, and not get on his case about organizing the spoons in the cabinet.

610: A few months ago, Aaron and Moses made a bet about how many oxen could fit inside of a barn. Moses’ guess was right. Aaron owes him twenty dollars.

611: If it takes a man a long time to lead his people out of the desert and into the Promised Land, everyone should just be patient with him and learn to chill out a little.

612: If a man wants to smoke his pipe in bed, his wife should let him, especially if he’s had a stressful day leading people around in the desert.

613: Everyone has to give Moses five dollars.

I think my teenaged daughter knows I read her diary

Dear Diary,

I have the greatest Dad in the whole world! He is so cool and smart and his words have such a huge impact on me. For example, I never try any drugs because he told me not to. I especially have not tried Ecstasy.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Diary,

Something sad happened today. I was giving a presentation when all of a sudden the entire class started pointing at me and laughing.

“Your clothes are cheap,” they said. “Why don’t you wear name-brand clothes?”

“Yeah,” the teacher said. “Why don’t you?”

I didn’t know what to say! The other kids were screaming with laughter and some of them were spitting on me.

“You’re the only girl in the class without name-brand clothes,” the teacher said.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I think my Dad has lost some weight and re-grown some of the hair on the sides of his head! Also his new ear-hair cutting thing is really working—there is almost no hair in his ears anymore!

The strangest thing happened in school today. I got to French class early and Ms. Kolber was already there. She had her feet on the desk and she was drinking something out of a glass bottle.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Vodka,” she said. “I always drink during school.”

“Wh—at??” I said. “Really??”

“Yes,” she said. “I’m a secret alcoholic and nobody knows except for you.”

Then she took a bag of red pills out of her pocket.

“I also take pills,” she said, swallowing some of the pills.

“But you’re not supposed to mix pills and alcohol!!” I said.

She shrugged like it was no big deal. Then she handed me an envelope, addressed to my father.

“Your grades have been slipping,” she said.

“Are you sure you didn’t make some kind of a mistake grading?” I asked.

She tried to respond, but her mouth was too full of pills and vodka.

“If you ever tell anyone about my problems,” she finally said, “I’ll just deny it.”

Love,

Sarah

Dear Diary,

On Saturday night I will be attending an all-night study party at Becky Greenblatt’s house. Drake is picking me up in his truck and driving me there but he is not staying at Becky’s. He is just dropping me off there and then going somewhere else while I stay at Becky’s all night, studying with a group of only girls. On Sunday morning, Drake is picking me up at the study session and driving me back home—but he is definitely not going to be staying overnight at the study party, because no boys are invited.

There are a lot of books to read so when I get back home on Sunday morning I will probably look pretty exhausted and strung out.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Diary,

Something great happened today! I was hanging out with Drake, in a public place, when all of a sudden he said, “Guess what, Sarah? I think I’m going to start applying myself.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I’m going to stop being a delinquent and start having life prospects,” he said. “And I’m going to stop hanging out with those kids who use drugs and then plant them on me sometimes so that I get in trouble even though I never do any drugs.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s great!”

“That’s not all,” he said. “I’ve decided to go back to high school and get my diploma.”

“Really?” I said. “How come?”

“Simple,” he said. “You can’t become an assistant regional sales manager for Hurwitz Amalgamated Appliances and Machinery without a degree. And that’s what I want to be when I grow up.”

When I told him that my Dad had that exact job he couldn’t believe it!

“Wow,” he said. “Your Dad sounds incredible. The more nice things you tell me about him, the more I respect him. That said, I don’t have time to meet him, because I’m so busy studying all the time. I’ll probably never meet your father and he should definitely stop asking to meet me, but I really look up to him.”

Maybe if my Dad knew about this side of Drake, he wouldn’t say so many mean things about him?

“Even though I’m re-enrolling in high school,” Drake added, “my name won’t be listed in the yearbook or in any of the other official documents given out to parents at the start of each semester. It’s a rule the school has.”

Love,

Sarah

Dear Diary,

Someone framed Drake for drug dealing! The police arrested him in school but everybody knows he’s innocent. He needs $1000 bail or else he’s going to have to spend the night in jail for something he didn’t even do! I hope I can find someone nice enough to help him.

Love,

Sarah

P.S. You want to know something? My Dad is so cool that he’s kind of like my best friend.

Last Supper

JESUS:
It has been revealed to me by my Father that before this night is over one of you will betray me. Let us enjoy this final Passover meal, for it will be our last together.

THOMAS:
Who’s going to betray you?

JESUS:
It will be revealed in time.

MATTHEW:
Come on, man, you can’t do that.

THOMAS:
Yeah, you can’t just say “Hey, guys, I have this amazing piece of gossip” and then not tell us what it is.

JESUS:
You will know the truth soon enough.

JAMES:
Damn it. This is going to drive me crazy.

JESUS:
This bread is my body. This wine—

BARTHOLOMEW:
Why did you bring it up at all if you weren’t going to tell us? I mean seriously, who
does
that?

THOMAS:
If we guess it, will you tell us?

MATTHEW:
Is it John? It’s John, isn’t it!

JESUS:
It isn’t John. Friends, please…let’s just enjoy this final meal together.

THOMAS:
We
can’t
enjoy it now!

MATTHEW:
Whisper it in my ear. I
promise
I won’t tell.

JESUS:
I can’t, okay? It’s a really big secret.

THOMAS:
Okay. Now you
have
to tell us.

JUDAS:
Guys, give him a break. If he doesn’t want to tell, he doesn’t want to tell.

What I want my tombstone to say when I die of encephalitis next week

Here lies Simon Rich, 1984–2008. He died of encephalitis. In the days leading up to his death, his friends made the following comments:

JOSH:
Simon, relax, there’s no way you have encephalitis.

ROB:
That looks like a regular mosquito bite to me. I really wouldn’t worry if I were you.

KYLE:
Just because you saw something on the news about encephalitis, doesn’t mean you
have
encephalitis. I mean, there have only been, like, five cases in the entire country.

JAKE:
Jesus, Simon, will you stop talking about encephalitis?

MONICA:
Yeah, it looks swollen, but that’s just because you’ve been poking at it all day, like a crazy person.

AZHAR:
Don’t take this the wrong way, Simon, but I think this whole thing might be psychological. You’ve been kind of depressed lately and I think you’re using this encephalitis thing as a way to distract yourself from all of the things that you’re
really
afraid of. You know what I mean?

BRENT:
Don’t look it up on Wikipedia, you’re just going to freak yourself out.

MATT:
Dude, it’s two in the morning. I don’t care what Wikipedia said. Listen, if you’re really that scared about it, you should go see a doctor, okay?

DOCTOR MURPHY:
Looks like we’ve got a little case of
hypochondria
on our hands!
(Laughs.)

JAKE:
You saw a doctor? Good, now we can finally move on.

Thor’s Day

Thursday is named after Thor, son of Odin, the Norse god of thunder.

—What’s wrong, honey?

—I don’t want to talk about it.

—Is it the humans?

—…

—Honey, we’ve been through this. They still respect you.

—Well then they sure have a funny way of showing it.

—If they don’t respect you, why do they celebrate Thursday every week?

—That’s the only thing.

—Still, if they didn’t respect you, they’d get rid of it.

—Okay…maybe they respect me. But they don’t fear me.

—What’s the difference?

—What’s the difference? What’s the
difference
?
(Face bursts into flames.)

—All right…I’m sorry.

—I am Thor, son of
Odin
!

—I know, sweetie.

—They didn’t even give me one of the weekend days.

—It could be worse. Look what they gave Woden.

—Are you comparing me to
Woden
?

—No, honey—of course not.

—
(Sighs.)
I’m not even really that angry…I’m just
hurt.
Do you know I haven’t received a blood sacrifice in over twelve hundred years?

—What about that rock band? From Sweden?

—It wasn’t a real sacrifice. I watched the video in slow motion.

—Are you sure?

—They used effects. It wasn’t even a real goat.

—You didn’t tell me about that.

—I was too embarrassed.

—You want to know something?

—What.

—
I
still fear you.

—You’re just saying that.

—Honey…you’ve got iron spikes coming out of your neck…your face is constantly bursting into flames…you’re the most frightening god I’ve ever seen.

—More frightening than Dagr, son of Nott?

—Yes, more frightening than Dagr.

—And Tyr, son of—

—Yes, baby. More frightening than any of the sons of Hymir.

—Hey…are you hungry? Because if you are, I was thinking…maybe I could cook dinner for a change.

—Oh, honey, you don’t have to—

—I could make my chili recipe. But I won’t put in so many peppers this time! I’ll make it mild.

—That sounds great, love.