From Now Until Infinity (2) (27 page)

He pulls his hand away from me and begins the damn pacing. I take the opportunity to fix myself another cup of coffee. The sun is just rising and the day’s getting light, but I feel like I’ve already lived a lifetime.

When I sit back down at the dining room table, Colin continues his story while he paces. “Then, I met the girl that became my wife. She was hot, gorgeous, and fucked like a wild beast. I thought she was everything that I needed to get over you. She was so dumb that I swear sometimes I had to remind her to blink. She was always ready for me to take her. Any time. Anywhere. She never told me no, and she never questioned me. She didn’t challenge me or bust my balls.”

He stops pacing and looks at me. “I know that this is very difficult for you to hear, but you’re the one that asked for the whole story. I was trying to keep this hideous part of my life from you.”

The stress on Colin’s face is evident. It’s taking a lot out of him to be this open, but I appreciate it. No. I don’t like hearing about Colin having animalistic sex with his first wife, but he’s right. I did ask for the whole story.

“I’m okay, baby. Keep talking.” I try to reassure him.

He begins the pacing again. “One day, I decided to Google you. I took extra pills and typed your name in. There were pictures of you with friends that had been posted on MySpace. You looked happy. Much happier than I felt. Then, I saw a picture of you with a guy - the same guy that you had framed on your bookshelf. You were looking at the camera, but he was staring at you. His eyes said it all. He wanted you. I looked at you with those eyes. I knew exactly what it felt like to still want you that badly. I felt like a defensive lineman had hit me helmet first in the gut. You’d moved on and found someone else. You were happy and healthy and making your dreams come true. I was surviving with a drug addiction and a girl who I couldn’t have a conversation with. I knew that I couldn’t continue like I was. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to live that way any longer.”

My eyes grow large and I gasp, “Oh God. You didn’t try to kill yourself did you?” This just keeps getting more horrible by the minute.

I put my head in between my knees trying to get my breath back. Colin rushes to me and kneels down beside me. He strokes my hair with his hand. “I’m so sorry, baby. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. It’s fuckin’ killing me to watch your face while I share this pile of shit with you. You’re never going to look at me like you did before. I can no longer be your mission statement after this.”

He keeps stroking my hair while I hug his neck and sob into his shoulder. I keep reminding myself that whatever happened he wasn’t successful because he’s right here with me now. He’s real, and he’s mine. He’s okay.

Once I gain my composure, I say, “I’m ready. I need for you to finish.”

He pulls me into his lap and cradles me to him. We’re now sitting on the floor, leaning against my kitchen island at the same spot that he made love to me. I’m wrapped in his arms, and he’s holding on to me for dear life. We need each other in this moment. He needs my support, and I need the physical reassurance that he’s okay.

“She left the house to pick up dinner. Mark and Aiden were supposed to be over in an hour for a meeting about another endorsement offer. I printed out the picture of you with the guy and wrote on it in pen. ‘I hope he makes you happier than I did.’ Then, I took a bottle of pills. I had flushed everything else in my house so there was no evidence of my addiction before I swallowed the pills. I left the empty pill bottle on your picture, and I decided to go to sleep.”

Colin begins to rock me in his lap and plants gentle, sweet kisses on my forehead and hair. I find the motion soothing. “The next thing that I know, I’m in the hospital having my stomach pumped with an IV in my arm. Apparently, Mark and Aiden had found me and gotten me to the hospital. I was fine. The doctors agreed to cover it up and call it an acute case of food poisoning. No one ever knew the truth. Mark told me later that he got rid of the pill bottle and your picture before the ambulance arrived. It was a wakeup call. I haven’t had another pain pill since. If Tylenol or Advil can’t fix it, I just suffer. Clay doesn’t even know what happened. I proposed to her a week later. We got married. I quickly realized that I couldn’t live with someone who I couldn’t have a conversation with no matter how great the sex was. She hung on for the most favorable divorce settlement possible, and I haven’t heard from her since. That’s it, Charlie. That’s the disgusting truth. I went so clean after I got out of the hospital that I’ve maybe had two glasses of wine a year and treat my body as well as I can. I figure it’s my way of apologizing for the abuse that I put it through.”

I sit cradled in his lap for a long time processing what he just revealed. He’s right. It’s ugly. Very ugly. Much uglier than I imagined. I realize that Colin is wrong, though. For the first time in our relationship, I see him as a real person. He’s not the mission statement, football hunk, model, or elite athlete. He’s finally just an imperfect boy who loves an imperfect, flawed, and fucked up girl. By Colin sharing his ugly truths with me, I no longer wonder what he sees in me. I know what he sees. He sees my scars as I see his now.  Those scars show that we’ve got grit and determination to be healthy and happy people because we know what the alternative looks like. And we don’t want to go back there again.

No more
“what ifs.”
They’re gone. I want him as my forever. I’ll figure out the relationship with my dad and my career. Colin’s my number one priority. I can do this. I can choose the much harder road because I want to spend the rest of my life loving this man more than I want to be a part owner in my father’s medical practice. Our road is going to be gridlocked with media speculation, fans mobbing us in public, shuffling our careers, and working hard to find time for each other. We’ll do it. We’ll figure it out because Colin’s right. We both want to make this relationship last.

“I love you,” I whisper to him.

“I love you too,” he says kissing me repeatedly on the forehead. “Does this mean that you aren’t walking away from me?” He asks timidly.

I scramble out of his lap and kneel in front of him so we’re face to face. His gorgeous eyes are reflecting the signs of stress that he’s under. His face is etched with the pain in his heart. I grasp it in my hands and gently kiss his perfect full lips.

I stare into his eyes. My lavender locked into his green. “I’ve never loved you more than this moment. No, baby, I’m not walking away from you. In fact, Colin.Fucking.McKinney will you do me the honor of being my husband?”

It comes out of nowhere. I had no idea that I was about to propose to him, but in this moment nothing could feel more right. Colin can’t propose to me. It would mean nothing. He’s probably asked me to marry him hundreds of times, and every time I told him “not today.” I had to do this to prove to both us just how committed we are to each other.

Colin doesn’t give me the reaction that I’m expecting. He jumps to his feet and begins pacing. Those damn sexy hands start going through his wavy hair.
Oh God! Is this what I made him feel like every time that I told him not today?

I begin to tear up and look away from him. I feel so embarrassed. It’s too soon. I start to take it back when he replies, “God dammit, Charlie! Do you have to beat me in everything? Shit! Are you really that competitive that you can’t even let me decide when we get married? I’m the fucking guy. I’m the one who proposes to you. Not the other way around. Could you just be a girl for once and let me take the fuck’n lead?”

I start to laugh. It’s the kind of laugh that starts in my toes and builds its way up to my eyes. He stops his pacing and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. He’s really upset that I proposed to him. He’s not telling me no. I just bruised his fragile male ego. This is too perfect. I take the original engagement ring off of my infinity necklace. I kneel down in front of my pacing boy with a bruised ego and ask, “Colin, will you marry me?” while I slip the ring on his pinky. It only fits on the first knuckle.

If anyone could see us now, they wouldn’t believe it. My tough as nails professional quarterback is wearing a diamond engagement ring on his pinky. While his tear streaked girlfriend is proposing. He looks confused, amused, and offended all in one beautiful package.

He reaches down and grabs me from under my arms and pulls me into a standing position. “For fuck’s sake. Can you not do that again? I feel my dick shrinking.” Fortunately, amusement has reached his beautiful green eyes and the lines are relaxing.

I reach down and feel his penis through his running shorts. It’s definitely not shrinking. He looks at me flashing the half smile that I covet. “I guess I’ve proposed enough in my life and look where it’s gotten me. Yes. Doctor Caroline Jane Collins it would be the greatest honor of my life to be your husband. But, if you ever tell anyone that you proposed to me the wedding’s off.”

I pretend to think about his words, but we both know that this moment will become a part of our relationship lore. I’ll tease him about having to propose to him, and he’ll pretend that he has no idea what I’m talking about. We’ll be the only ones who know the truth, and that’s all that matters.

He scoops me up into his arms and carries me upstairs. It feels so
Gone With The Wind
that I actually think about quoting Scarlett O’Hara. The look on his face is one that I’ll never forget. Colin’s a man determined. His eyes are filled with lust and love. He’s smiling as if he’s the happiest man in the world, but it’s his heart that says it all. I can feel it and hear it beating in time with mine. We are connected - two broken parts that have become one whole.

Colin gently lays me down on the bed and makes quick work of my running shoes, clothes, and sports bra. His shorts were disposed of at some point on the walk to the bedroom.

His eyes roam all over my body as if he’s examining his prize. Colin must be pleased with what he’s won because he mummers, “So fuckin’ beautiful and finally all mine.”

I reach up and touch his beautiful face, and run my finger down his crooked nose. He looks younger and happier, and I reply, “All yours and you’re all mine. No more secrets. No more shielding me. We’re a team, right?”

He begins kissing my lips gently and reverently while he softly tries out my soon-to-be new names, “Caroline McKinney.” Sweet kiss on the lips. “Doctor Caroline McKinney.” Sweet, soft kisses to my ear. “Charlie McKinney.” As he trails kisses down my neck. Then, he adds, “that one’s apparently for my ears only.”

“Mrs. Colin McKinney.” As he plants a trail of kisses down my chest to my stomach. “Umm…I like the sound of that one. Let me try it again. Mrs. Colin McKinney.”

I’m melting. He has me. I’m putty in his large, capable hands. Each time he says one of my soon to be new names, I allow a little moan of pleasure to escape my lips.

Colin kisses his way from my stomach to my center. He speaks my new names as he gently licks and sucks and samples my pulsating folds. It’s beyond erotic. I begin to tremble as he builds me closer and closer to the release that I’m craving. “Mrs. McKinney in the bedroom. Doctor McKinney in the operating room. That’s it my girl. Come for me.”

His words are so erotic that they send me over the edge. I entangle my hands in the waves of his hair, and let myself go. Colin is mine and I am his.

I want more from him. I’m craving the connection that I feel when he’s inside of me. Apparently, we’re on the same page because he kneels over me and says with a voice that is so filled with lust that his eyes and voice might make me come. “I want you, Mrs. McKinney. Let me make love to you.”

“Oh baby! I want nothing more,” I reply just as breathy.

He gently slides inside of me letting me feel every glorious inch of him. I reach up and grab his firm behind trying to make him go faster. Slow and gentle is not what I want. The last couple of days of frustrations, decisions, agony, and emotions all boil up to the surface at once. “Colin, fuck me hard,” I beg. This feels like the need that I have to run my stress out. I need the physical release that Colin can give me to make the stress go away.

He begins the most delicious and physical assault on my body.

Colin knows just how to work me, and he does everything perfectly. When he builds me to the brink of orgasm in one position, we move to another. It’s a wonderful and torturous love making session. Our sweat and fluids are combined into a heady smell of passion. When Colin moves me to another position, I finally beg him for my orgasm. I’m mentally and physically wrung out. When Colin and I finally come together tears roll down my face. My last coherent moment is Colin wrapping his huge body around mine and pulling me to him. I fall into a dreamless, deep sleep that it just what I need.

Chapter Seventeen

“WAKE UP my beautiful girl,” Colin whispers in my ear. I open my eyes and see a freshly showered, radiant Colin. His hair is clumped in wet waves and his green eyes are glowing. It’s really not fair that anyone should look that good. He wears love well. I notice that his engagement ring is gone, and I wonder what he’s going to do with it.

“What time is it?” I ask in a groggy voice.

“It’s after two o’clock, and your phone has been going crazy. I finally answered it when I saw that it was Brad. He’s desperate to talk to you. Rachael wants to see you again before she has to go back to D.C. Chelsea’s being Chelsea, and your mom’s very worried,” he reports.

“Wow! You make a great assistant,” I say as I sit up and plant a kiss on his cheek. “When you retire from football, I’ll give you a job.”

He tickles me as I scream for mercy. “I think Brad will be very disappointed if you fired him.”

“Oh shit!” I moan as I fall back in bed. “I’m going to have to tell Brad that he’s losing his job. He’ll never work in my office with my dad again. They pretty much only tolerated each other for my sake.”

“Hire him,” Colin suggests. “You’ll need an assistant, and frankly Charlie, I love you, but I’m not sharing Jenny.”