Full Circle (11 page)

She knew exactly how Tana felt, but not for the same reasons as her friend. She hadn't been raped. She had gladly given it, to the boy she loved. “My mother never believed a single word I said. And she never will. The Durnings are gods to her.”

“All that matters is that you're okay, Tan.” Sharon led her to a tree stump, where they sat down and Sharon offered her a cigarette, and for once Tana took a puff. “And you are okay, you know. A lot more so than you think.” She smiled gently at her friend, deeply moved by her confidence and she wiped the tears from her cheeks as Tana smiled at her.

“You don't think I'm awful because of that?”

“That's a dumb thing to ask. It's no reflection on you, Tan.”

“I don't know … sometimes I think it is … as though I could have stopped him if I tried hard enough.” It felt good just to say the words, just to get them out. They had haunted her for months.

“Do you really believe that, Tan? Do you really think you could have stopped him? Tell the truth.”

She thought about it for a long time and then shook her head. “No.”

“Then don't torture yourself. It happened. It was horrible. Worse than that. It was probably the worst thing that'll ever happen to you in your whole life, but no one will ever do that to you again. And it wasn't really you he touched. He couldn't touch the real you, no matter what, Tan. Just cut it off. Dump the memory. And move on.”

“That's easy to say,” Tana smiled tiredly, “but not so easily done. How do you forget something like that?”

“You make yourself. You don't let it destroy you, Tan. That's the only time a guy like that wins. He's sick. You're not. Don't make yourself sick over what he did. As awful as it was, put it out of your mind, and move on.”

“Oh Sharon…” She sighed and stood up, looking down at her friend. It was a beautiful night. “What makes you so smart, for a kid?”

Sharon smiled, but her eyes were serious tonight, almost sad, as Tana looked down at her. “I have my secrets too.”

“Like what?” Tana felt calmer now than she ever had in her life, it was as though a raging animal had been released from her, as though Sharon had let it out of its cage and set it free, and Tana was finally at peace again. Her mother hadn't been able to do that for her five months before, but this girl had, and she knew that whatever else happened after that, they would always be friends. “What happened to you?” Tana searched her eyes, knowing now that there was something there. And she was sure of it when Sharon looked up at her. She didn't mince any words. She had never told anyone, but she had thought about it a lot, and she and her father had talked about it one night before she left for Green Hill. He had told her the same thing she had just told Tana, that she couldn't let it destroy her life. It had happened. And now it was done. And she had to let it stay that way, and move on, but she wondered if she ever could.

“I had a baby this year.”

For an instant Tana's breath caught and she looked at Sharon in shock. “You did?”

“Yeah. I've been going with the same boy at home since I was fifteen and when I was sixteen he gave me his senior ring … I don't know, Tan … it kind of seemed so cute … he looks like an African God, and he's smart as hell, and he dances…” she looked pretty and young as she thought of him.… “He's at Harvard now,” her eyes grew sad, “but I haven't talked to him in almost a year. I got pregnant, I told him, and he panicked, I guess. He wanted me to have an abortion from this doctor his cousin knew, and I refused … hell, I'd heard about girls who died.…” Her eyes filled with tears at the memory, and she forgot that Tana was standing there, looking down at her. “I was going to tell my mom, but … I just couldn't … I told my father instead … and then he told her … and everybody went nuts … and they called his parents, and everyone cried and screamed, my mother called him a nigger … and his father called me a slut … it was the worst night in my life, and when it was all over, my parents gave me a choice. I could have an abortion at a doctor's my mother had found out about, or I could have the baby and give it up. They said,” she took a deep gulp of air as though this were the worst part, “that I couldn't keep it … that it would ruin my life…,” her whole body shook, “to have a baby at seventeen … and I don't know why but I decided to have the baby, I think because I thought that Danny would change his mind … or my parents would … or a miracle would happen … but nothing did. I lived in a home for five months and I kept up with all the work for my senior year, and the baby was born on April nineteenth … a little boy.…” She was trembling and Tana wordlessly reached out and took her hand, “I wasn't supposed to see him at all … but I did once … he was so little.… I was in labor for nineteen hours and it was horrible and he only weighed six pounds.…” Her eyes were a thou- sand miles away thinking of the little boy she would never see again, and she looked up at Tana now, “He's gone, Tan,” she whimpered almost like a child and in many ways she still was a child. They both were. “I signed the final papers three weeks ago. My mother drew them up … some people adopted him in New York.…” She couldn't stop the sobs as she bent her head, “Oh God, Tan, I hope they're good to him … I never should have let him go … and all for what?” She looked angrily up at her friend, “for this? To come to this dumb school to prove a point, so that other colored girls can come here one day. So what?”

“That had nothing to do with this. They wanted you to have a fresh start, with a husband and a family at the right time.”

“They were wrong, and so was I. You'll never know what it felt like … that emptiness when I went home … with nothing … with no one … nothing will ever replace that.” She took a deep breath. “I haven't seen Danny since I went into the home in Maryland … and I'll never know where the baby is.… I graduated with my class…,” with a lead weight in her heart, “… and no one knew what I felt.…” Tana shook her head, watching her. They were both women now. It had been hard earned, hard won, and it was too soon to know if things would get better in time, but one thing they both knew as they walked slowly home, and that was that they each had a friend. Tana pulled Sharon off the stump, and they hugged each other tight, their tears fell on each other's cheeks, each feeling the other's pain, as much as they could.

“I love you, Shar.” Tana looked at her with her gentle smile, and Sharon dried her eyes.

“Yeah … me too.…”

And they walked home arm in arm, in the silent night, went back to Jasmine House, got undressed and into their beds, each with her own thoughts.

“Tan?” It was Sharon's voice in the dark room.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“For what? Listening? That's what friends are for … I need you too.”

“My father was right, you know. You've got to move on in life.”

“I guess.” But how? “Did he have any suggestions about how to pull that on?”

Sharon laughed at that. “I'll have to ask him that.” And then suddenly, she had an idea. “Why don't you ask him yourself? Why don't you come home for Thanksgiving with me?”

Tana mulled it over from her bed, with the beginnings of a smile. She liked the idea. “I don't know what my mother will say.” But all of a sudden she wasn't sure she cared, and if she did, it wasn't as much as she would have cared six months before. Maybe it was time to try her wings and do what she wanted to do. “I'll call her tomorrow night.”

“Good.” Sharon smiled sleepily and turned over in her bed, with her back to her friend. “G'night, Tan.…” And a moment later, they were both asleep, more at ease than either of them had been in months, Tana's hands cast childlike above the blond hair, and Sharon cuddled up into a little black purring ball. Even the long legs seemed to disappear and she looked like a kitten as she slept peacefully.

J
ean Roberts was disappointed when her daughter called to say that she had decided not to come home for Thanksgiving.

“Are you sure?” She didn't want to insist, but she would have preferred it if Tana were coming back. “You don't know this girl very well.…”

“Mother, I live with her. We share the same room. I know her better than I've ever known anyone in my life.”

“Are you sure her parents won't mind?”

“Positive. She called them this afternoon. They have a room for me, and she said they were delighted that she was bringing someone home.” Of course they were. From what Sharon had said, it proved Miriam's point that Sharon could be happy at Green Hill, even if she was the only black girl there, and now she was bringing one of “them” home, the ultimate proof of how well they had accepted her. They didn't know that Tana was her only friend, that there wasn't a single place in Yolan where she could be served, that she hadn't been able to go to a movie since she'd arrived, and that even in the cafeteria at school, the girls avoided her. But, according to Sharon, even if they had known, Miriam would have felt it proved even more that Sharon was needed there. “They” had to accept Negroes one day, and the time was now. It was a good challenge for Sharon, particularly after last year, this would keep her from dwelling on herself, Miriam Blake thought, it would give her something else to think about, or so she had said. “Really, they said it was fine.”

“All right, then be sure you invite her up sometime during the Christmas holidays,” Jean smiled into the phone, “in fact, I have a little surprise for you. Arthur and I were going to tell you over Thanksgiving…” Tana's heart stopped. Was he finally marrying her? She was robbed of speech as her mother went on. “Arthur made it possible for you to have a little ‘coming out’ party
of
your own. There's a small cotillion here in town … well, not a cotillion really, but a deb party of sorts, and Arthur put up your name, I mean you did go to Miss Lawson's after all, dear, and … you're going to be a debutante, sweetheart. Isn't that wonderful?” For a moment, no words came to Tana's mind. It didn't seem particularly wonderful at all, and once again her mother would be kissing Arthur Durning's feet … marry her … what a joke. How could she have thought a thing like that … a “cotillion of sorts” … shit.… “Why don't you invite your new friend to come up then?” Tana almost choked.
Because my new friend is black, Mom.

“I'll ask, but I think she's going away over the holidays.” Shit. A debutante. And who would her escort be? Billy Durning? The son of a bitch.

“You don't sound very excited, sweetheart.” There was disappointment in Jean Roberts' voice, both because Tana wouldn't be coming home, and because she didn't sound very excited about the party Arthur had arranged. He knew how much it meant to Jean. Ann had come out at the International Ball four years before, of course, though not at a small deb party like this, but nonetheless it would be a wonderful experience for Tana to have, or at least Jean thought it would.

“I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I'm just surprised.”

“It is a beautiful surprise, isn't it?” No. She didn't really care. Things like that didn't matter to her. They never had. All the social nonsense of the Durnings' world seemed irrelevant to her, but it meant so much to Jean. It always had, ever since she had fallen in love with him. “You'll have to think of an escort for the dance. I was hoping Billy could,” Tana felt her heart pound and her chest get tight, “but he's going skiing in Europe with friends. In Saint Moritz, the lucky boy,” … lucky boy …
He raped me, Mom.…
“You'll just have to think of someone else. Someone suitable, of course.” Of course.
How many other rapists do we know?

“It's too bad I can't go alone.” Tana's voice sounded dead at her end of the phone.

“That's a ridiculous thing to say.” Jean sounded annoyed. “Well, anyway, don't forget to invite your friend … the one you're going home for Thanksgiving with.”

“Sure.” Tana smiled. If she only knew. Jean Roberts would have died if Tana had invited a black friend to the little “coming out” party Arthur had arranged. It almost amused Tana to think of it, but she would never have taken advantage of Sharon like that. They were all a bunch of rude pricks. She knew that even her mother wasn't ready for that. “What'U you do for Thanksgiving, Mom? Will you be all right?”

“I'll be fine. Arthur had already invited us to Greenwich for the day.”

“Maybe now that I won't be there, you can spend the night.” There was a dead silence on the phone, and Tana regretted the words. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Well, what difference does it make? I'm eighteen years old now. It's not a secret.…” Tana felt sick as she thought of the endless gray room where … “I'm sorry, Mom.”

“Take care of yourself.” She drew herself up. She would miss seeing her, but she had a lot to do now, and Tana would be home in a month anyway. “And don't forget to thank your friend for having you there.” Tana smiled to herself, it was like being seven years old again. Maybe it always would be.

“I will. Have a good Thanksgiving, Mom.”

“I shall. And I'll thank Arthur for you.” Jean said the words pointedly and Tana looked blank at her end.

“What for?”

“The ball, Tana, the ball … I don't know if you realize it yet, but something like that is very important for a young girl, and it's not something that I could provide for you myself.” Important … ? Important to whom … ? “You have no idea what something like this means.” Tears stung Jean Roberts' eyes. In some ways, it was a dream come true. Andy and Jean Roberts' little girl, the baby Andy had never seen, would be coming out in New York society, and even if it was on the fringe, it was an important event for both of them … for Tana … and especially for Jean … it would be the most important moment in her life. She remembered Ann's coming out ball. She had planned every exquisite detail and had never thought that one day Tana would be coming out too.