Full Circle (14 page)

“And you?” Her voice was soft and his eyes were sad. He had told her more than he had intended to. But it was also his fourth scotch, and although it hadn't hurt his feet when they danced, it had loosened his tongue, not that he cared. Everyone in New York knew who Harry Winslow was, both father and son. “Are you like him?” She doubted it. For one thing, he hadn't had time to develop all those skills. He couldn't have been much older than she, after all.

He shrugged carelessly. “I'm working on it.” And then he smiled again. “Beware, lovely one! Beware!” And with that, he swept her into his arms and onto the dance floor again, and she saw her mother watching them. She watched them for a long time, and then inquired of someone who he was, and she didn't look displeased.

“Do you see your father very much?” She was still thinking of what he had said as he whirled her around the floor. It sounded like a lonely life … boarding schools … his mother dead by suicide when he was four … the father halfway around the world most of the time, and obviously a libertine.

“Actually, no. He doesn't have time.” For just a minute, he sounded like a very young boy, and she was sorry for him, but he was quick to turn the tables on her. “What about you? What's your story, Tana Roberts, other than the fact that you have deplorable taste in men?” He glanced in the direction of Chandler George crushing the little redhead to him, and they both laughed.

“I'm single, eighteen years old, and I go to Green Hill.”

“Jesus. How dull. What else? Any major loves?”

Her face slammed shut, and he noticed it. “No.”

“Relax. I meant other than Chandler, of course.” She relaxed a little again. “Although admittedly, he's hard to beat.” Poor guy, they were both being rotten to him, but he was the dullest boy she had ever known, and he was an easy target for the scorn of his peers. “Let's see, what else? Parents? Illegitimate children? Dogs? Friends? Hobbies? Wait,” he patted his pockets, as though he had misplaced something. “I should have a form here somewhere…” They both laughed. “All of the above … ? none of the above … ?”

“One mother, no dogs, no illegitimate kids.”

He looked sad. “I'm disappointed in you. I thought you would have done better than that.” The music was winding down and Harry looked around. “What a bunch of bores. Want to go somewhere for a hamburger or a drink?”

She smiled. “I'd like that, but do we take Chandler along?” She laughed and Harry bowed.

“Leave that to me.” He vanished and returned again with an outrageous grin.

“Oh, God, what did you do?”

“I told him you were upset about the way he's behaved all night with that redheaded tart, and I'm dropping you off at your psychiatrist's.…”

“You didn't!”

“I did.” He feigned innocence and then laughed. “Actually, I just told him that you'd seen the light and preferred me. He congratulated you on your good taste, and ran off with his chubby little friend.” But whatever Harry had said, Chandler was waving happily at them and leaving with the other debutante, so there was obviously no harm done, “I have to say something to my mother before we go. Do you mind?”

“Not at all. Well, actually, I do, but I guess I don't have much choice.” But he behaved himself when Tana introduced him to Jean, and he looked very proper, much to her delight, as they left the ball, and Jean went home alone, wishing Arthur had been there to see it all. It had been a beautiful evening, and it was obvious that Tana had had a wonderful time. And she was leaving now with Harry Winslow IV. Jean knew who he was, or at least she knew the name.

“What about your old man?” He stretched his legs out in the cab, after giving the driver the address of “21.” It was the hangout of his choice when he was in town, and Tana had been impressed. It was certainly a lot more fun than going out with Chandler George. And it was so long since she'd been out on a date, she'd forgotten how it felt, and her dates had never been like this. Usually, they all went out for pizza in a group on Second Avenue. And that had been before graduation … before Billy Durning.…

“My father died before I was born, in the war.”

“That was considerate of him. It's less of a wrench that way, than if they stick around for a few years.” It made Tana wonder why his mother had committed suicide, but she would never have dared to ask. “Did your mother remarry?”

“No,” Tana shook her head hesitantly, and then, “She has a friend.” He was the sort of person you told things like that to. There was something about his eyes. Something that made you trust him and like him all at once.

He raised the mischievous eyebrow again. “Is her friend married?” He was receptive too.

She blushed beet red but he couldn't see. “What made you say that?”

“Just smart, I guess.” He was so impossible, one would have wanted to slap his face if he weren't so boyish and so appealing all at once. And he was so openly impudent that it somehow made it all right. “Was I right?”

Normally, she wouldn't have admitted it to anyone, but she did now. “Yes, or at least he was for a long
time.
He's been a widower now for four years, and he still hasn't married her. He's a real selfish son of a bitch.” It was the strongest thing she had ever said about him publicly, even to Sharon at school.

But Harry didn't look perturbed. “Most men are. You should meet my old man. He leaves them bleeding by the side of the road at least four times a week, just to keep his hand in.”

“Sounds nice.”

“He's not.” Harry's eyes were hard. “He's only interested in one thing. Himself. It's no wonder she killed herself.” He had never forgiven his father for that, and Tana's heart suddenly ached for him, as the cab pulled up in front of “21,” and Harry paid and they stepped out. And a moment later, they were swept up in the excitement of the exclusive restaurant. Tana had only been there once or twice, like on graduation night, and she loved the toys hanging over the bar, the well-dressed peo- pie crowded in, there were even two movie stars she recognized at once, and the headwaiter pounced on Harry with glee, obviously ecstatic to see him again. It was clearly his favorite haunt and he went there all the time. They stayed at the bar for a while, and then went to their table, where Harry ordered steak tartare for himself, and Tana ordered eggs Benedict, but as they sipped the Louis Roederer champagne he had ordered for them, Harry saw her face go taut. She was looking across the room at a table of people who seemed to be having a good time and there was an older man with his arm around a fairly young girl. Harry watched her face, and then her eyes and a moment later he patted her hand. “Let me guess … an old love?” He was surprised to see that she went for older men. She didn't look the type.

“Not mine, anyway.” And then he instantly knew.

“Your mother's friend?”

“He told her he had a business dinner tonight.”

“Maybe it is.”

“It doesn't look like it to me.” Her eyes were hard as she turned to Harry again. “What irritates me more than anything is that he can do no wrong in her eyes. She always makes excuses for him. She sits and she waits and she's so goddamn grateful to him.”

“How long have they been together?”

“Twelve years.”

He winced. “Jesus, that's a long time.”

“Yeah.” Tana glanced malevolently in Arthur's direction again. “And it doesn't seem to be cramping his style.” Seeing him made her think of Billy again, and she turned her head as though to avoid the thought, but Harry saw the sudden look of pain in her eyes.

“Don't take it so hard, princess.” His voice was gentle in her ears and she turned to look at him.

“It's her life, not mine.”

“That's right. Don't forget that. You can make your own choices with your life.” He smiled, “and that reminds me, you never answered all my rude questions before. What are you going to do after Green Hill?”

“God knows. Maybe Columbia. I'm not sure. I want to go on.”

“Not get married and have four little kids?” They both laughed.

“Not for a while, thanks, although it's my mother's fondest dream.” And then she turned to him with a curious look. “And what about you, where do you go to school?”

He sighed as he put down his champagne. “Harvard, actually. Sounds obnoxious, doesn't it?” It was why he hadn't told her at first.

“Is it true?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” He grinned. “But there's hope. I may flunk out before the end of the year. I'm working on it.”

“You can't be that bad or you wouldn't have gotten in.”

“A Winslow not get in? Don't be absurd, my dear. We
always
get in. We practically built the place.”

“Oh…” She looked impressed. “I see. And you didn't want to go?”

“Not especially. I wanted to go out West somewhere. I thought Stanford or UC, but Father had a fit, and it wasn't worth arguing about it … so there I am, being a pain in the ass, and making them sorry they let me in.”

“You must be a real treat for them.” Tana laughed, and she noticed that Arthur Durning and his group had just left. He hadn't noticed her, and she wasn't sure if she was glad or not.

“You'll have to come up and see me sometime, maybe during spring break.”

She laughed at that and shook her head. “I doubt that.”

“Don't you trust me?” He looked amused and very debonair for a boy of eighteen.

“As a matter of fact, no.” She took another sip of champagne and they both laughed. She was feeling giggly now and she was having a good time with him. He was the first boy she had liked in a long time, and she liked him as a friend. He was fun to laugh with and she could say things to him that she hadn't been able to say to anyone else recently, except Shar. And then she had an idea. “I might come up if I could bring a friend.”

“What kind of friend?” He asked suspiciously.

“My roommate at Green Hill.” She told him about Sharon Blake then and he looked intrigued.

“The daughter of Freeman Blake? That's something else. Is she as wonderful as you say?”

“Wonderfuler.” She told him then about their being unable to get served at the coffee shop in Yolan, and the lecture given by Martin Luther King and he seemed interested in all of it.

“I'd like to meet her sometime. Do you really think you'd come up to Cambridge at spring break?”

“Maybe, I'll have to ask her.”

“What are you two, joined at the hip?” He looked Tana over appraisingly. She was one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, and it would be worth putting up with someone else, just to see her.

“More or less. I visited them at Thanksgiving, and I want to go back.”

“Why don't you have her here?”

There was a long pause and then Tana looked at him. “My mother would have a fit if she knew Sharon was black. I've told her everything except that.”

“Great.” Harry smiled. “I did tell you that my maternal grandmother was black, didn't I?” For an instant he looked so honest that she almost believed what he said and then he started to laugh and she made a face.

“Pain in the ass … why don't I just tell my mother about you?”

“Be my guest.”

And she did the next day when he called to take her to lunch in two days. They had Christmas to endure in between.

“Isn't that the boy you met last night?” It was Saturday morning and Jean was relaxing with a book. She hadn't heard from Arthur since the day before and she was dying to tell him about the ball, but she didn't want to bother him. She usually waited for him to call. It was a habit she had picked up when he was still married to Marie. And it was Christmas after all. He'd be busy with Billy and Ann.

“Yes, it is.” Tana explained to her mother about Harry's call.

“He seems nice.”

“He is.” But not in any way Jean would approve of, as Tana knew only too well. He was irreverent and outrageous and he drank too much, and he was obviously spoiled, but he had behaved decently when he had brought her home. He had said goodnight and there was no wrestling match. She had been nervous about that, but she hadn't needed to be. And when he came to pick her up for lunch two days later he wore a blazer and a tie and gray slacks, but as soon as they got downstairs, he put on roller skates and a crazy hat, and proceeded to behave like a complete madman as they walked downtown and Tana laughed at him. “Harry Winslow, you are completely nuts, do you know that?!”

“Yes, ma'm.” He smiled and crossed his eyes, and insisted on wearing his roller skates into the Oak Room for lunch. The maitre d'didn't look pleased but he knew who he was and he didn't dare throw him out. He ordered a bottle of Roederer champagne, and guzzled a glass as soon as it was uncorked, and then set down the empty glass and smiled at Tana. “I think I'm addicted to that stuff.”

“You mean you're a drunk.”

“Yup.” He said it with pride, ordered lunch for them both, and after lunch they walked through Central Park and stopped at Wollman Rink where they watched the ice skaters for more than an hour and talked about life, and he sensed that there was a strange reticence about her. She didn't offer herself, in a romantic sense, she was careful and closed, and yet at the same time she was intelligent and warm. She cared about people and causes and things. But there was no hand held out. He knew that he had made a new friend, and no more, and she saw to it that he understood, in so many words, and it aroused his curiosity. “Axe you involved with someone near Green Hill?”

She shook her head, and her eyes met his. “No, nothing like that. I don't want to get involved with anyone right now.” He was surprised at her honesty. And it was a challenge, too, of course, one he couldn't completely resist.

“Why not? Afraid to get hurt the way your mother has been?” She had never thought of it that way. It was why he had told her he didn't want kids. He didn't want to hurt anyone as badly as he himself had been hurt. And she had just told him how Arthur had stood her mother up for Christmas again that year.

“I don't know. Maybe. That, and other things.”

“What kind of ‘other thing’?”

“Nothing I want to talk about.” She looked away, and he tried to imagine what had marked her that way. She kept a safe distance between them, and even when they laughed and played, she sent out messages that said “don't get too close to me.” He hoped that there was nothing strange about the girl, about her sexual propensities, but he didn't think it was that. It was more that she seemed to be hiding in a protective shell, and he wasn't sure why. Someone had driven her into it and he wondered who it was.