Full Circle (26 page)

“Does Harry know?”

“That I was raped?” He nodded. “Yes. I told him eventually. He thought I was weird, and eventually I told him why. Actually, we saw the guy at a party we went to, and he guessed.”

“Was it someone you knew?” Harrison looked shocked.

“The son of my mother's boss. Lover and boss, actually. It was awful … no,” she shook her head, “it was much, much worse than that.” He pulled her into his arms again, and he understood things better now. He wondered if that was why Harry had never allowed himself to be more than friends with her. He instinctively sensed that the desire was there, even if she was innocent of what was in his mind. And he also knew what he felt for the girl. He hadn't been so taken with anyone since he met his wife twenty-six years before, and then he began to think of the age difference between them, wondering if it would bother her. He was exactly thirty years older than Tana, and there were those who would be shocked. But more importantly, would she? “So what?” She answered him when he voiced his fears. “Who cares about them?” She kissed him this time and she felt something come alive in herself that she had never felt before, a passion and desire which only he could fulfill, and she tossed and turned all night thinking about him, just as he did about her. She called him at seven o'clock the next day, and he was already awake, and surprised by her call. But he would have been even more surprised had he known what she felt for him.

“What are you doing up at this hour, little one?” “Thinking about you.” He was flattered and touched and enchanted and infatuated and a thousand other things. But there was much more to it than that. Tana trusted this man as she had trusted no other man before, not even his son, and he represented a great many things to her, even the father she had never known. He was all men in one, and had Harrison known, he might have been frightened that she expected too much of him. They visited Harry, they met for lunch, they had dinner to- gether that night, and he had an overwhelming urge to take her to bed, but something told him that he could not, that it was dangerous, that he would form a lasting bond and that was wrong. For the next two weeks, they met and they walked and they kissed and they touched and the feelings and needs they had for each other grew. They visited Harry separately, for fear that he would find out, and finally Harrison sat down beside his son one day. The matter had to be broached, it was getting serious for both of them, and he didn't want to hurt the girl. But more than that, he wanted to offer her something he hadn't offered anyone in years, his heart, and his life. He wanted to marry her, and he had to know how Harry felt, now, before it was too late, before everyone got hurt, especially the one person he cared about most, his son. He would have sacrificed anything for Harry, especially now, even the girl he loved, and he had to know now.

“I want to ask you something. Honestly. And I want you to answer me.” There had been a tenuous peace between the two men in the past two weeks, thanks to efforts on Tana's part, and Harrison had been enjoying the fruits of it.

“What's this all about?” Harry looked suspiciously at him.

“What's between you and that enchanting child?” He fought hard to keep his face blank, his eyes calm, and prayed that his son wouldn't see anything there, particularly not how much he loved the girl, though he couldn't imagine how Harry could not see. He felt as though he was wearing a neon sign.

“Tana?” Harry shrugged.

“I told you, I want you to answer me.” His whole life depended on it now, as did hers.

“Why? What's it to you?” Harry was restless and his neck had hurt all day. “I told you, she's my friend.”

“I know you better than that, whether you like it or not.”

“So what? That's all it is. I've never slept with her.” But he already knew that, though he didn't tell Harry that.

“That doesn't mean a damn thing. That could have to do with her and not you.” There was no joking in his eyes or words. This was no joking matter to him, but Harry laughed and conceded the point.

“That's true, it could.” And then suddenly, he lay back against his pillows and looked up at the ceiling, feeling an odd closeness to his father he had never felt before. “I don't know, Dad.… I was crazy about her when we first met, but she was as locked up as a stone … she still is.” He told him about the rape then, and Harrison pretended to hear it for the first time. “I've never known anyone like her before. I guess I've always known that I'm in love with her, but I've been afraid to fuck it up by telling her that. This way, she won't run away. The other way, she might.” His eyes filled with sudden tears. “I couldn't stand losing her. I need her too much.” Harrison felt his heart sink like a rock, but he had to think for his son now. That was all he really cared about, all he would let himself care about now. He had finally found him and he wasn't willing to lose him again. Not even for Tana, whom he loved so desperately. But Harry's words burned through him like fire. “I need her so much.…” The funny thing was the elder Winslow needed her too, but not as Harry did, and he couldn't take her from him, not now.…

“One of these days, maybe you should be brave enough to tell her some of this. Maybe she needs you too.” Harrison knew now how lonely and isolated Tana had been, but even Harry hadn'tfully realized those depths.

“And what if I lose?”

“You can't live like that, son. Afraid to lose, afraid to live, afraid to die. You'll never win like that. She knows that better than anyone. It's the one lesson you can learn from her.” And there were so many others he had learned from her too. Lessons he would have to abandon now.

“She's got more guts than anyone I know … except about men.” Harry shook his head. “She scares me to death as far as that goes.”

“Give her time. Lots of time.” He fought to keep his voice strong. He couldn't let Harry know. “And lots of love.”

Harry was silent for a long time, searching his father's eyes. In the past two and a half weeks they had begun to discover each other as they never had before. “Do you think she could ever be in love with me?”

“Possibly.” Harrison felt his heart tear again. “You have plenty of other things to think about right now. But once you're up again,” he avoided saying “on your feet,” “and out of here, you can think about things like that.” They both knew that he wasn't totally impaired sexually, and the doctor had told them both that with a little “creativity” Harry would have a near-normal sex life again one day, he could even impregnate his wife, if he chose, which didn't turn Harry on much, at least not for now, but Harrison knew it could mean a great deal to him one day. He would have loved to have Tana's child. The very thought brought him near to tears.

They chatted on for a little while, and eventually Harrison left. He was supposed to have dinner with Tana that night, and instead he called it off. He explained over the phone that he had a stack of cables that had arrived, and he had to compose answers to all of them. They met for lunch the next day instead, and Harrison was honest with her. It was the worst day in his life since his wife had died. His eyes looked sad and his face was grim, and she knew the moment she met him at the restaurant that he didn't have good news, and she felt her heart stop for an instant as he began to speak once they sat down. She knew instantly that he was going to say something she didn't want to hear.

“I spoke to Harry yesterday.” He fought the emotions that were rising up in him. “I had to, for both our sakes.”

“About us?” She looked stunned. It was so soon. Nothing had even happened yet. It was an innocent romance … but Harrison shook his head.

“About him, and what he feels for you. I had to know, before we went any further with this.” He took her hand in his and looked into her eyes, and she felt her heart melt again. “Tana, I want you to know right now, that I'm in love with you. I've only loved one woman in my life as I think I love you, and that was my wife. But I also love my son, and I wouldn't hurt him for anything in this world, no matter what kind of son of a bitch he thinks I am, and I've been one at times. I would have married you … but not until I knew where Harry stood.” He didn't pull any punches with her. “He's in love with you, Tan.”

“What?” She was shocked. “He is not!”

“He is. He's just scared to death to scare you off. He told me about the rape, about how you felt about going out with men. He's been biding his time for years, but I don't have any doubt. He has been in love with you for all those years. He admitted it himself.” Harrison's eyes looked sad.

“Oh, my God.” She looked shocked. “But I'm not … I don't … I don't think I ever could.…”

“I suspected that too. But that's between you and him. If he ever does get up the guts to declare himself, you'll have to deal with that yourself. What I wanted to know was how he felt. I know how you feel now. I knew it before I talked to him.” There were tears spilling in her eyes, and suddenly in his, too, as he held her hand even tighter than before. “Darling, I love you more than life itself, but if I walked off with you now, if you'd even be willing to do that with me, it would kill my son. It would break his heart, and maybe destroy something he needs very much right now. I can't do that to him. Nor can you. I really don't think you could.” She was crying openly, and he pulled her into his arms as tears filled his eyes. They had nothing to hide here, or anywhere, only in front of his son. But it was the crudest trick life had played on her so far, the first man she had loved couldn't love her because of his son … who was her best friend, whom she loved, but not like that. She didn't want to do anything that would hurt Harry either, but she was so much in love with Harrison … it was a ghastly evening filled with tears and regrets. She wanted to sleep with him anyway, but he wouldn't let her do that to herself. “The first time that happens to you, after that awful experience you had, should be with the right man.” He was gentle, and loving, and he held her while she cried, and once he almost cried himself. And the next week was the most painful in her life, and at last he left for London again, and Tana felt as though she had been left on the beach. She was alone, with her studies, with Harry again. She went to the hospital every day, took her books with her, and she looked tired and pale and grim. “Boy, you're a pleasure to see. What the hell's wrong with you? Are you sick?” She almost was, over Harrison, but she knew he had been right, no matter how painful it was. They had both done the right thing for someone they loved. And now she was merciless with him, forcing Harry to do what the nurses asked, urging him on, insulting him, cajoling him, encouraging him when he needed it. She was tireless, and devoted beyond anything imaginable, and when Harrison called from halfway around the world, sometimes she would talk to him and she would feel her heart leap again, but he hadn't gone back on his resolve. It was a sacrifice he had made for his son, and Tana had to go along with it. He had given her no choice. Or himself, although he knew that he would never recover from what he felt for her. He only hoped she would. She had a lifetime ahead of her, and hopefully, the right man.

T
he sun streamed into the room as Harry lay on his bed, trying to read a book. He had already had an hour in the pool and two hours of therapy, and he was sick to death of his schedule. There was a sameness about it all, a tediousness he couldn't stand anymore. He glanced at his watch, knowing Tana would be there soon. He had been at Letterman for more than four months, and she came to see him every day, bringing her stacks of papers and notes, and mountains of books. And almost as soon as he thought of her, the door opened and she walked in. She had lost weight in the past months. She was working too hard at school, and running herself ragged going back and forth between Berkeley and the hospital. His father had offered to buy her a car, but she had absolutely refused to even consider it.

“Hi kid, what's up, or is that rude?” She grinned at him and he laughed.

“You're disgusting, Tan.” But at least he wasn't as sensitive about that anymore. Five weeks before, he had actually made love to a student nurse, a little “creatively” as he had said to his therapist, but with a little imagination here and there, things had gone fairly well for both of them, and he didn't give a damn that she was engaged. True love hadn't been on his mind, and he had no intention of trying beginner's luck on Tan. She meant much, much too much to him, as he had told his dad, and she had enough problems of her own. “What'd you do today?”

She sighed and sat down with a rueful smile. “What do I ever do? Study all night, turn in papers, take exams. Christ, I may not live through another two years of this.”

“Sure you will.” He smiled. She was the light of his life, and he would have been lost without her visits every day.

“What makes you so sure?” Sometimes she doubted it herself, but somehow she always went on. Always. She wouldn't let herself stop. She couldn't let Harry down and she couldn't flunk out of school.

“You've got more guts than anyone I know. You'll make it, Tan.” It was something they gave each other now—courage, faith. When he'd get depressed, she'd stand there and shout at him until he wanted to cry, but she made him try all the things he was supposed to do, and when she thought she couldn't make it through another day of Boalt, he quizzed her for exams, woke her up after she got a little sleep, underlined some of the textbooks for her. And now suddenly he grinned at her. “Besides, law school's not that hard. I've been reading some of that stuff you left here.”