Fur Coat No Knickers (32 page)

We both threw back our heads and b
egan to laugh. And it felt good, it really did.

We talked for a while about nothing in particular. I know it was ‘what Laura did’ but I had to admit, she was feckin’ good at it. I really did feel much calmer. It was as though a thick mist was beginning to clear from my head.

After a few more cups of tea and a pause for a bacon butty, Laura decided I was strong enough to start the next stage of my recovery. That is what I assumed anyway, because otherwise she would never have broached her next question.

‘Okay Tara, a breakdown doesn't just happen overnight,’ she began, looking searchingly at me. ‘There will have been a buildup. Can you recall a trigger?’

I took a deep breath. Was I ready for this, I wondered?

‘Travis
,’ I said at last, with a sigh and a shrug of my shoulders, ‘I ran into that baby girlfriend of his when I was on my way to win him back, wearing…’ I paused, hardly able to say the words, ‘that feckin’ fur coat. I sat holding a sick-bag for her on the plane. She’s barely out of school and she’s pregnant. All ripe and glowing with his sodding baby inside her! I thought I was pregnant too. Then, I found out at the same time that I’m
not
pregnant – but I’m in the shitting menopause! It’s all made me feel so… useless… old and redundant.’

‘
But… do you
really
want a baby?’ asked Laura.

‘Well
… that’s not the point!’ I added bitterly. ‘Actually yes. I do want a baby. It means everything to me. It would make me feel whole – complete – I suppose.’

‘Really?’ s
aid Laura, cocking her head to one side, obviously trying to make me think about what I had just said.

‘Owh it’s to
o hard to explain, I don't want to talk about it,’ I said, beginning to feel the mists falling again.

‘Okay,’ said Laura.

‘Everyone leaves me in the end, Laura,’ I blurted out, shocking myself at my own admission.

Laura remained silent. She just tilted her head to one side again.
‘Who is everyone?’ she asked quietly after some time.

I remained silent.

‘Do you miss dad?’ she asked a few seconds later.

I always got a stabbing pain in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought of dad.

‘Terribly,’ I finally answered, closing my eyes and picturing his face.

‘Why…
why didn't you help me with him?’ I said, turning suddenly to face her. I felt such a rage erupt within me - I wanted to slap her.

‘You, mum and Katie left me to deal with dad on m
y own and I couldn't manage him with his illness and everything else. You,’ I added bitterly, ‘just had your nose stuck in books, ignoring the fact that our dad was sick.’

‘He was an alcoholic, Tara.’

‘But why… oh why, didn't
you
do something?’ I pleaded bitterly, almost spitting the question out.

‘Did you ever notice what books I had my nose ‘stuck in’ Tara?’

‘No, I wasn't interested. I was too busy looking out for dad!’ I glared at Laura angrily. ‘While you were reading shit, our dad was losing his mind.’

Laura looked horrified.

‘I was… I was reading up on alcoholism and researching schizophrenia,’ her voice shook slightly. ‘I was convinced if I kept reading, I would find a cure for him. Don’t forget, I was hurting too…’

For a moment, there was pure, undiluted silence between us.

‘I didn't
know.’ I said, shaking my head, letting out a pain-filled sigh. ‘How could I have got that
so
wrong?’

‘
It was my nerdy way of coping I guess,’ Laura added, pulling tissues out of her pocket.

We both
sniffed hard as she handed me a crumpled tissue. ‘I read every book that I could - most of which I didn't understand – but I just kept reading and reading in the hope of finding a cure for dad. I wanted to wake up one morning and be able to wave a magic wand and make our family… well, okay again. It wasn’t easy for any of us. I could never bring any of my friends back to the house like they could. I never knew what mood dad would be in from one day to the next.’

‘I had no idea.’
I said shaking my head.

‘We were very young
- we weren’t expected to know what to do.’

I nodded
. She was right.

S
taring outside the window, I felt something shift inside of me. I had carried that resentment towards Laura for years.

‘
We
were the children,
he
was the parent,’ Laura continued, her mind also now drifting back to those dark days. ‘You know, poor mum became so frightened of dad. She feared for her safety as he became more and more unpredictable. Can you imagine; the man you’ve been in love with all your life, suddenly starting to hear voices? Voices telling him that
he
was the chosen one? And he had an evil wife?’

I just gulped hard and grabbed Laura’s hand tightly.

‘Poor mum… she had to deal with Katie, who was a young baby back then,’ Laura added empathically.

‘Hmm
… she was a nightmare of a baby though,’ I recalled, ‘she was always attached to mum’s hip, howling.’

‘Why do you think that was?’ Laura asked, grabbing my other hand, searching my face for some sign I understood.

‘She was spoilt?’

Laura shook her head and smiled pitifully at me.

‘Okay, let me put this another way. Katie was always crying, right? Do you think she was scared because her mammy and daddy were always fighting? We were at school when the worst was going on Tara. Katie had full view of the damage every day.’

‘I’ve never thought about
it like that before… Oh God, poor Katie.’

I felt suddenly ashamed
and wanted to hold Katie to make her feel safe.

‘Mum was crying constantly, begging dad to get help,’ Laura continued, barely hearing my replies. Her eyes filled with tears.

‘Dad just carried on getting worse and accused mum of having affairs, making out he had detectives following her - sometimes worse than that. He even maintained that Katie wasn't his child. Can you imagine?’

I was speechless. The pain in my chest gripped me further.

‘Mum had to leave, Tara. You didn't want to come, even though we all begged you. It broke mum’s heart leaving you behind. Don’t you remember the night we all left? I clearly remember saying that you should keep an eye on dad and I would keep an eye on mum and Katie. It wasn’t fair, I know, but the family was divided. It was divided by a terrible situation, not because we didn't love each other.’

Laura and I sobbed together for the first time. Our whole fami
ly had been caught in the crossfire of living a life with an alcoholic.

‘I know you didn't really understand this at the time and neither did I
, but I understand it now and it’s so important that you understand it too. Mum really loved dad, Tara, but he wasn't well. Alcoholism is an illness. None of us got away without being damaged. My marriage failed, you’re an emotional wreck and Katie became an addict herself. None of us could help someone who didn't want to be helped.’ continued Laura knowingly.

‘Travis played a very large part in this recent episode,
but I don’t think he was the
sole
trigger for where you ended up. If you want to fully recover, we need to dig a little deeper for a greater understanding. You don’t need mind-numbing pills, or a brood of perfect children, or some phony love-God to make you complete. You are already
the
most incredible woman. It is time you started to realise that and learn to love your crazy, funny self.’

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Over the following few months, Laura slowly pieced me back together. She was the epitome of patience, as I spent days and nights sobbing, screaming, shouting and working through many painful issues; from our dad, Travis and not being a mum; to being a boss, a friend, a sister and issues regarding my low self-esteem.

In Laura's professional opinion, the key to my cure was
to change how I perceived myself. I tried to tell her it was because I was wired up all wrong, but she wasn’t having any of it. Laura forced me (and I mean physically forced me) to go out for walks with her to build up my strength and get me out of the house. I was terrified at first, I often wondered if I would I ever be the same again. Would I ever feel normal? I’d forgotten what that felt like.

But t
he world looked different now. I didn't know why. It just did.

Laura was my lifeline as we slowly rebuilt what I had smashed apart. We spoke of our father on extremely deep levels, leaving out none of the pain, sadness or guilt. Together, as sisters, we bonded tightly for the first time. It was so painful for us both, yet we helped each other as Laura too found herself revealing issues that had lain unresolved.

We drank tea until it was oozing out of our pores, as we chatted, laughed and cried.

One of Laura’s biggest bugbears turned out to be
my fixation on my looks. Apparently it was an indication of how negatively I felt about myself.

‘Let’s start with the fact that you have beautiful, piercing blue eyes and yet
you wear coloured contact lenses. Why?’ She asked.

I shrugged.

‘Okay, think about that one for a moment. Why do you cover your beautiful milky skin in orange muck that quite frankly makes you look silly?’

Sometimes Laura was so annoying.

‘Laura, you’re meant to be helping me. Not making me feel even worse!’

‘I’m peeling back the laye
rs. I’m trying to get to
you,
the real you. The real
you
is hidden, covered up. You are beautiful, but I know you can’t see it. You never have.’

And, so the process went on.

After she’d decided we’d made sufficient progress, Laura allowed Siobhan and James to come back into my life
(and not a moment too soon). The pair of them had been bugging Laura almost daily to spend time with me and I think she finally relented as much for herself as for me.

I felt a glimmer of excitement as I heard them both bounding up the stairs together, like a couple of children on Christmas morning.

‘Hey, you guys,’ shouted Laura after them both, ‘Try and keep it as calm and as light as possible, eh? She’s still quite fragile. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.’

‘No problem!’ t
hey chorused, flinging the bedroom door open and bombing on top of my bed like a pair of naughty kids.

‘
Hi,’ I said tearfully, hugging them both and doing my best to ignore their matching, fluffy fuchsia onesies, ‘it’s so damn good to see you!’

‘(
Mmmwha, mmmwha, mmmwha) We’re just so glad you’re back with us!’ they said, smothering me in hugs and slobbering kisses.

Then suddenly, in unison, they turned their backs on me. The backs of their onesies were both emblazoned with the words ‘Team Tara’ in day-glow yellow.

‘Team Tara!’ they both yelled.

‘We've had these printed in your honour,’ announced
, James proudly.

‘We've got you one too!’
exclaimed Siobhan excitedly, jumping up and down shaking a huge plastic-bag in my direction.

‘And black sequined
UGG slippers,’ interrupted James, jumping off the bed to do a few ballerina-style pirouettes to demonstrate. ‘Look how sparkly they are.’

Then, with a wince he flung his slippered foot up and over his head.

‘You still look gorgeous,’ pouted James, as he returned to the bed, adjusting his crown jewels with watering eyes. ‘Being sexy never takes a day off.’

Then, before I knew what was happening, the pair of them dragged me up and out of my bed, stripping me out of my old PJs
and shimmying me into my ‘Team Tara’ fuchsia onesie along with the sequined slippers.

‘But Tara just got a whole lot sexier,’
Siobhan bellowed energetically.

I couldn’t help myself. I
felt instantly lifted.

After they had both finished bouncing all over me
, and the three of us did a quick ring-a-ring-a-rosey, I put my arms around the pair of them and sighed heavily before flopping breathlessly back down to the bed.

‘I’m sorry guys,’ I began tearfully, pulling them both down and closer to me. Our three heads now rested into each other’s.

‘For what?’ asked Siobhan.

‘For everything,’ I shrugged.

‘Nonsense,’ retorted James with a dismissive hand gesture, ‘anyway, you’re back now from, err… wherever you've been in your little head, and now you’re getting better. That’s all that matters.’

‘We love you,’ James said pouting
, ‘we miss you. Glamma-Puss misses you too!’

He kicked off his sequined slippers and snuggled down closer beside me.

‘We come baring more gifts,’ added Siobhan, bolting out of the bed.

‘Ta
-dah! Wine. We bring wine!’

‘Shhh
… don't let Laura hear you,’ I whispered urgently, while inadvertently licking my lips.

Good old Siobhan, she even managed to produce three wine glasses from her bag.

‘Okay,’ mouthed Siobhan removing the cap, ‘it needs to breathe for a while, so I’ll just leave it for a bit.’

She placed the wine and glasses on the table
and tiptoed back into bed for another cuddle.

‘So, come on you guys, what’s been happening out there in your crazy worlds?’ I asked.

‘Well, I’ve been head-hunted,’ gloated Siobhan, flicking her ponytail at us both, ‘by a sexy wexy, crazy s-c-i-e-n-tist!’

‘I’m always getting head-
hunted,’ snorted James, ‘it’s no big deal.’

‘Not that sort of head-
hunted, ya big gobshite.’

‘Hush James,’ I giggled shaking my hea
d at the pair of them, ‘let Siobhan speak. Carry on.’

‘But-I-wanna-tell-you-
my
-story,’ winged James in a whiney baby voice.

‘Soon, I may be packing me rucksack and setting off for the Arctic,’ she said
whilst raising her hand up, indicating faraway shores. ‘I’ve adopted a baby polar bear and may go and see it.’

‘Oh!’ squealed James, ‘I’ve always wanted to adopt a chimpanzee. We would have matching diamante sunglasses and a vest top s
aying ‘we like monkey business’… I just never got around to it,’ mused James thoughtfully.

‘Er
r… okay,’ I said, sensing where this conversation was heading. Bless them both. I don't think I would ever be allowed to adopt a baby now with my medical history and notes. The thoughts of not ever having a baby broke the surface of my conscience a dozen times a day.

‘Well,’ sighed James clutching at his heart dramatically, ‘Christian finally got the job of his dreams. The
‘tea, coffee or me’ job.’

‘I’m lost, what does that mean?’ I asked
, confused.

‘He’s a trolley dolly!’
spat James furiously, ‘I wanted to be a trolley dolly… but I didn't get the job… and he did. It’s not fair.’ He pouted and clicked his tongue.

‘But James, you’re my nail technician. You can’t leave Glamma-Puss.’

‘Well hurry up and open it back up then!’ James insisted.

‘I will, I promise
… soon.’ I said, suddenly feeling a strong inner-resolve.

‘James,’ snapped Siobhan, ‘what the feck are you doing?’

‘Checking the wine is breathing darling. It’s not, so I’m giving it mouth to mouth resuscitation.’

‘Feck off with you, James.’

‘It’s delightful and plummy,’ commented James in laughter, hiding the bottle in-between his legs.

I was l
aughing. Actually, really belly-laughing. It was something I never thought I would ever do again. It felt wonderful.

‘Tara,’ said Siobhan suddenly serious and trying to catch her breath, ‘I’ve got a letter for you. It’s from
Katie; she came to see me before she went back to Dublin with your mammy.’

‘Okay,’ I said
, puzzled. Taking the letter from her, I opened it and read it out loud;