Fur Coat No Knickers (35 page)

‘Right Tara -
calm down,’ ordered James, sounding unusually focused. ‘Let’s start with that makeup.’

‘I’ve already done my makeup James,’ I faltered
, ‘oh my God, do I look that bad? I threw the other clothes I was holding onto the floor.

‘Darling,
I’m
wearing more makeup than you,’ said James gently. ‘No worries, let’s just touch it up a bit. Well, a lot.’

‘I don’t want to go, I won’t be ready,’ I moaned sulkily. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to cancel.’

‘You will in yer arse!’ Siobhan said sternly, poking her head out from inside my wardrobe where she had been fumbling around for the past few minutes. ‘You’re going. I won’t hear anything different from you. Of course - if you really don’t want to go, can I take your place? I could do with a good shag.’

‘Now now, Siobhan,’ said James
, sounding cross and shaking a large blusher brush at her. ‘That’s
not
helping.’

‘Ah sure, I’m only playing with you. Don’t worry, I’ll
find you something to wear.’

‘I would go with the sexy, classy look,’ James advised with a knowing pout. ‘A long dress with a vicious slit up the side to show off some leg, and a nice bit of cleavage on display.’

‘Fuck that, you big fairy,’ snorted Siobhan. ‘We’re trying to get her some cock.’

Siobhan stood back to observe a pile of clothes she’d dug out of my wardrobe. ‘I’m thinking mi
ni-skirt… no - just a thick belt, stockings, suspenders and some nipple tassels if it is cold out like.’

‘Siobhan,’ interrupted James, ‘
remember what Tara has just been through. If she’s going to go dressed like a hooker, she’s going like a high-class one. Isn’t that right, Tara?’

‘I think
you should wear this one.’ Siobhan said, giving us both a raunchy look, ‘it’s feckin’ gorgeous.’

The
dress was one of my favourites; rich, deep, lilac satin to the knee, adorned with sequins, incredibly low cut, back and front, and very fitted. It was utterly sexy, yet elegant at the same time. However, it was the sort of dress that required a lot of confidence and attitude to wear - and I felt that I was severely lacking in both.

‘James, what do you think?’ I asked
, unsure, as I pulled the dress on and smoothed it down.

‘Wow,’ gasped James, lookin
g genuinely impressed. ‘Perfect… Oh, your phone is ringing, I’ll get it for you… Hello?… Oh, she’s a little bit busy at the moment, can I take a message?… Ahh you’re early and you’re outside?… Okay, I’ll let her know.’

‘WHAT!
? He’s outside? He’s here? Shit! He’s 15 minutes early!’ I said in a panic.

‘Fec
k this for a game of soldiers, I’m going out for a look!’ said Siobhan, making a run for the door.

‘Not without me you’re not!’
shouted James, as they both abandoned me. I watched them shoulder-to-shoulder, battling out of the bedroom door, each trying to get down the stairs first. It would have been funny if I wasn’t so sick with nerves.

‘Err
… guys?… Well I guess I’m wearing this dress then,’ I said to the now empty room.

After quickly smoothing down my hair, I threw some heels on, grabbed
my pashmina and bag and nervously headed downstairs. I cautiously went over to the window and pulled the blinds apart. Horrified, I looked out to find Siobhan straddling the bonnet of his car. Meanwhile, James was leaning into his open car window, deep in conversation while simultaneously doing his trademark seductive hair flick.

‘
SHIT!’ I shouted, quickly moving away from the window.
The feckers! They’re supposed to be on my side. What on earth is he going to think of me?

‘Oh. M
y. God.’ Said James, looking rather flushed as he dramatically flung open the front door. ‘He’s gorgeous. He’s perfect. He’s driving an Aston. And I love him already. Sadly, I’ve already tested the waters and unfortunately he’s 100 % straight. Just thought I would check for you darling. Now go on - go on - get out there before Siobhan eats him alive.’

A thought flashed across my mind that I wished it was Travis that was picking me up, but I quickly dismissed it. I knew it was time to move on. I didn’t have long to dwell on it because in the next second
, part two of the comedy duo crashed through the door.

‘Feckin hell,’ Siobhan gasped, pulling her skirt down
. ‘Go get him girl! He’s feckin’ ripe and ready for the picking that one. But keep off his bonnet it chafes like a bastard. Now remember; if you can’t be good… be good
at
it.’

Taking one
last look at me, Siobhan continued; ‘Come here to me - your best assets need a bit of plumping and pumping.’

With that, Siobhan grabbed my boobs and hoisted them
up and together before the duo shoved me out the door.

The date with Jack was very pleasant. He was a perfect gentleman and really good company. His good looks even took my breath away and I will admit our good night kiss lingered slightly longer than it should have done. But, that was as far as it went. There was one big problem with Jack - he wasn’t Travis.

‘Laura is right
- maybe I do need to wait a while,’ I said, looking at James and Siobhan as I nursed a coffee in the Salon. Bless them, I could tell they were trying to be on their best behaviour when all they really wanted to do was ask me if Jack and I had shagged.

‘But, you’r
e gonna see him again, right?’ wheedled James. ‘He is exceptionally gorgeous.’

‘I don’t know…
he’s gone to Germany for a month on business,’ I said, with a shrug. ‘Maybe I should just leave the dating game for a while.’

‘Bloody nonsense,’ scoffed Siobhan. ‘You’ve got to throw your arse deeper into the dating game. Not literally of course, although I rather like a bit of back garden allotment tending meself.’

‘
Siobhan! Can yo
u
pleas
e
stop bringing that up? I just want to forget all about that night.
’ 

‘You’re just out of practis
e, you need to get back on the saddle. And fast!’ added Siobhan urgently.

‘A shag a day will keep the weeds at bay,’ chorused James
, strutting around like a bloody peacock.

‘
A-shag-with-a-stud-and-a-roll-in-the-mud
,’ sang Siobhan in her lowest bass voice.

‘God, you two!’ I groaned, ‘I’m not some twenty-year-old
, sex starved nymph!’

‘But having a few good rounds of some damn fine rodgering will
help cure you,’ James said.

‘Yeah, just get in, sit down, hold on and shut up,’ stated Siobhan
animatedly. ‘It’s easy - I do it all the time, yeah-baby-yeah,’ her voice now going all-American as she playfully grabbed James’ hips and began gyrating into his bum.

‘You need some good old sex-ercising
- at least daily,’ shouted James, greeting Siobhan’s exaggerated sexual thrusts with a crazy howl and slapping her thigh as she pretended to mount him from behind.

‘Oh G
awd, but what if I start having a hot flush? That’s hardly attractive.’ I was putting any obstacle in the way I could think of.

‘Women don't have hot flushes,’ gasped James horrified. ‘They have
power surges.’

‘Oh
… James,’ I said, reaching over to give him a hug in-between his thrusting, ‘what a lovely way to put it. That’s so sweet.’

‘Anyway,’ added James clicking his tongue, ‘there’s nothing wrong with looking like a menopausal Barbie.’

‘Oh, thanks James… I think.’

‘You know
, Tara, my mattress does get rather a lot of action - and if it could talk…’ sniggered James, ‘mine would be sick of me.’

‘If my mattress could talk…
it would be mute,’ I confessed in a sulky tone.

I have no idea how they persuaded me to do it, but in the end I was so fed up with their constant badgering that I agreed to try dates with
at least five other men. They gave me a month to complete the challenge - we agreed that if it didn’t work out I’d either try Jack again or give it up for a while. If I agreed to their terms, they agreed to stop hounding me. It wasn’t a brilliant deal, but I could see it was the best I was going to get.

The only problem
was - even though I had a few dates lined up, setting up five in one month was chaos. In the end, I got so confused with all their names, ages and interests that I had no alternative but to set up a spreadsheet. It must have been my inner-schoolgirl, but I have to confess I rather enjoyed designing my colour-coded spreadsheet and filling in the details like a sticker book. Filling it in certainly helped me to get through the following month:

TARA’S DATING SPREADSHEET

By the end of the month, I was still no clearer on the dating game. I hated to admit it, but it seemed like Laura might have actually been right. Those dates weren’t doing me any good either. I was definitely going back on a rollercoaster of emotions and started to feel wounded all over again.

The dating game
seemed too confusing. I felt myself becoming very agitated by all the weirdos. Then, there’s all that effort; getting ready with such high expectations, only to be very disappointed more often than not. I really didn't know what I was looking for, which didn't help. Deep down, I knew it was because Travis was still parked in the back seat of my head. I would never have admitted it to Laura, but I still had my moments where I emotionally unclipped his seat belt and bought him to the front of my mind. All I found myself doing was comparing the guys I had been on dates with to Travis.

After dating my five agreed
, I decided to give the internet dating malarkey a miss. I decided to contact Jack and tell him that I just wasn't ready. As I sat in the Salon reception trying to work out the best way to do it and whether dumping someone by text was just too cruel, Camilla wandered over.

‘You know
, Tara, my brother’s really got the hot’s for you!’

‘That’s sweet,’ I smiled, trying not to sound too dismissive. Privately I thought
that is all I need, a guy who swings between both ways. I mean, at his age, really you would think he would know by now.

‘Lewis has been dying to ask you out for a date, but I said it was too soon,’ Camilla
pressed on, ‘I told him to wait - you know, well… after what had happened to you.’

I looked up at her with a frown, wondering how to approach this one tactfully.

‘Look, Camilla, it is really sweet of you to try and match-make, but I just can’t do a complicated person right now. Your brother is utterly gorgeous, yes, but I want a man who likes women.’

‘But, you do think he’s cute though, right?’ Camilla looked confused.

Oh God, where is this going?
Did Lewis want to sample me to finally decide which he preferred, men or women?

‘He’s not stopped talking about you, since the day you hitched a lift on the back of his bike. Do you remember, that day you left your bag in the bank? He said it was like having a little angel wrapped around him.’

‘Really?’ I asked, casting my mind back to that day. It was quite a thrill sitting on that bike, come to think of it. ‘That’s so sweet, but I think he’s more suited to, err, James?’

‘Why James?’ Camilla was now looking even more baffled.

I sighed hard. Didn't she even know her brother was gay? Was I going to be the one who would have to break the news to her? I hated giving bad news. It was almost worse than receiving bad news.

‘Tara, you don't think my brother’s a poof do you?’
she began, her mouth curling into a smile, which was followed by a roar of laughter. ‘He’s as straight as they come. Oh my God, that’s hilarious. Wait till I tell Lewis.’

‘But James said… James told me… he likes stroking furry
… oh
shit
.’

‘That’s because he’s a vet
!’ Camilla added, doubled up with laughter.

‘James, when you’re finished with your client, can I have a word, please?’ I called over my shoulder. Turning back to
Camilla, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. ‘I’m really sorry Camilla, please don't tell him I thought that.’

‘Okay, I won’t tell him, but only on one condition.
You have to go on a date with him!’