Fur Coat No Knickers (31 page)

‘I see you've been giving that fur coat a haircut,’ Laura pointed out as she struggled with the duvet. ‘The arm of it is downstairs.’

‘Oh God,’ I sighed, rolling my eyes, cringing at the thought.

I watched wordlessly as Laura
tossed the heels out from under my pillow. She said nothing though; she just turned and stared at me for a few moments.
I wish she wouldn't do that
. Within a few seconds she was back, perfecting her hospital corners.

‘In
!’ commanded Laura, escorting me back to bed.

‘Laura, he’s, he’s
… having a baby,’ I sobbed. Just saying the words hit me like a ton of bricks. ‘And she’s… only a baby herself. And I’ve gone into the menopause too. Me…
me
- in the menopause!’

‘Tara…
I went into the menopause
years
ago.’

‘
What? …Really?’ I asked, completely stunned. I patted the bed, indicating for her to sit with me.

‘Yes
,
really
. It’s just part of life now. It happens to every woman in the world. It’s fine. Just think: no more heavy periods. It’s great. I’d just embrace it if I were you. It is what it is. Get a bit of HRT in you and you'll be a new woman.’

‘So you don’t feel old and useless?’ I asked
, fumbling with the corner of the duvet and wiping my tears with it.

‘Children
aren’t
everything,’ insisted Laura.

‘But I’ve always wanted a baby. I know I won’t ever feel complete without one. My baby would have never left me. It would’ve always needed me.’

‘Children are merely borrowed,’ said Laura rubbing my shoulder gently. ‘They too, will eventually leave the nest and make their own way in life. Nothing stands still forever. If something’s not growing and evolving, it’s dying.’

‘But I wanted to dress a baby up in beautiful designer clothes, take it to the park and baby groups
… I’ve got so much love to give, and nowhere to put it. It hurts so much.’

I pulled the covers over my face
, hiding my tears.

‘When you’re ready and feeling stronger, get a pooch. You can stick it in one of your designer handbags.’ 

‘It’s not the same and you know it!’ I muffled through the sheets.

‘No, granted, it’s not the same. It’s cheaper. No tantrums, no arguments and they’re
always
pleased to see you. Frankly, it’s bliss if you ask me. And by the way…’ said Laura easing the sheets away from my face, ‘my friend Kath just recently rescued a Bichon Frise; it’s the cutest thing I’ve
ever
seen. A whole ball of white fluff - she’s even put a diamante collar round her neck. I’ve got pictures of her on my phone if you want…’

‘I don't want a bloody dog!’ I snapped, interrupting Laura and pushing her phone away from me. ‘I want a baby and I want Travis. You get another bloody dog if you want one!’

‘Kath called her Gucci,’ Laura continued, ignoring my outburst, ‘she hadn't been treated very well, the poor little thing.’

‘If I had a little white fluff
y doggie,’ I sniffed eventually, ‘I would've called her Miss Dior.’

‘That name is
so
you,’ jibed Laura, smiling. ‘As for me, well, I am taking time to enjoy my life now. I enjoyed the children and still do, but they've grown up now so it’s allowed to be all about
me
. And, as for that Easter egg you were supposedly ‘dating’ Tara… Well what can I say? Gorgeous on the outside, but very disappointing on the inside, when you took the foil and ribbons off.  He was - and is – empty, Tara. He was never,
ever,
going to be good father material.’

‘I miss him
,’ I shrugged helplessly, ‘I know it’s wrong, but I
do
.’

‘You've got to stop chasing every shiny thing you see. He was like a virus with shoes on.’

I hung my head again.

‘Is she awake?’
bellowed Katie, bounding up the stairs.

I wanted to hide under the duvet. I felt ashamed that Katie and mum were seeing me like this. But I was too weak to move a muscle. I just had to brace myself.

‘Hey Tara! Jeez - you look… interesting,’ said Katie, brightly. ‘Jesus, I forgot how good-looking the fellas were in England. Even mammy was chatted up by the shop assistant. At her age too… can you believe that?’

‘Katie, I’m sorry you have to see me this way,’ I said with a wry smile.

‘No worries at all,’ she grinned, planting a kiss on my forehead. ‘Laura will get you sorted good and proper, won’t you sis… if not, can I have first dibs on your clothes?’ asked Katie grabbing my hand and winking at me.

I cracked a faint smile.

‘I have to ask you something though, mammy told me that when you were younger, you borrowed her metal nail-file and filed down your big rabbit teeth, is that right?’ asked Katie with a baffled expression.

‘Hey pet,’ interrupted m
um, out of breath from climbing the stairs. She threw her arms around me and gave Katie a stern look. ‘Don’t be telling fibs, Katie, I never said no such thing about her teeth.’

‘You did so, mammy. You said that she had enormous rabbit teeth.’

‘Tara, I merely said that your head took a little while to catch up with the size of your teeth, that’s all,’ said mum interrupting, ‘Will I run you a nice bubble bath pet? Don’t you take any notice of your sister.’

‘
I think mammy’s trying to be polite… You
do
smell bad, real bad. But I got you some nice body spray if you wanna use it after your bath?’ asked Katie, her usual insensitive self.

‘Katie that's
so thoughtful, thank you… I might just do that later.’ I nodded.

‘
No bother… can I go through your wardrobe?’

I smiled, despite myself. Even a near suicide didn’t deter my little sis.

‘Boiled bacon and cabbage for lunch,’ said mum, theatrically licking her lips in my direction as though I was still three years old.

‘Katie! Are they my Jimmy Choo pumps you’re wearing?’ I barked
, sitting up.

‘Not at all. They’re mine!
Sweet Jesus, you really are a complete loon. You gave them to me.’

I tutted in annoyance,
she was lucky I didn't have it in me to argue it out with her.

‘Mum…
I’m sorry to put you through this – especially… well, you know – after what Katie did,’ I said, eyeing Katie, who was now deep in my wardrobe.

‘
It’s okay. Just promise me one thing, pet,’ said mum, pointedly ignoring my reference to Katie’s errant past, ‘please stop putting that poison in yourself. I know that’s what made your head go, well, strange. I had the fright of my life earlier when I found a sleeve of a fur coat downstairs. I thought you had killed a cat or something. That’s that Botox you have sending you loopy. You’re just so beautiful as you are pet.’

I looked straight at mum. I have
to confess, I was beginning to quite enjoy the attention.

‘I just want my girls to be happy
. Saints preserve us. That’s not too much to ask for is it?’

It
was now Laura’s turn to pipe up; ‘Botox wouldn't do that to you mum. Leak, I mean, into your brain. Although, studies have shown that people who have aesthetic work or plastic surgery carried out do often suffer with low self-esteem.’

Hmm…
I vaguely remembered Sheila refusing me more Botox and fillers, questioning my mental state; I had thought she was just being awkward. Quite the reverse, now I think about it. Even she knew, back then, that I was going too far.

‘What a gobshite that Jackie’s husband was
, eh?’ Katie pronounced as she popped out from the wardrobe, beaming. ‘And that Jayde! Who would have thought? The dirty bitch.’ Katie lobbed my heel-less Louboutins out of the wardrobe with a grimace.

‘Katie, not now,’ Laura snapped in a low voice
, ‘I haven't discussed that with Tara yet.’

‘What?’ I said, suddenly alert. ‘What’s happened to Jackie’s husband and Jayde? Oh my God. Don’t tell me they’re together?’

‘Yep - he’s a perv,’ said Katie with glee, still knee deep in my clothes. ‘And he’s at least thirty years older than her!’

‘Katie… get out of my wardrobe
please,’ I said, feeling confused again. God only knows what else I’ve stashed in there.

‘Tara, it’s all on your phone. There are tons of voicemails, text messages and miss
ed calls from Jackie,’ said Laura shaking her head, ‘I didn’t think you were ready to hear that just yet.’

‘I can’t believe it. Poor Jackie. How could Jayde, sweet little Jayde, do that?’

‘Well, that doesn’t matter right now. Without sounding heartless, this means you now have no staff left at Glamma-Puss. James tried to manage the Salon in your absence. Even Siobhan tried to pass herself off as a beautician in the evenings, after she’d finished her work - God help us. Don’t worry though, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Granted, it may require a lawyer or two.’

‘She was trying to do
backs, sacks and cracks,’ Katie interrupted, cutting Laura off, ‘Siobhan couldn't get any models to practise on and James wouldn't allow her near his crown jewels. So in the end she practised on Barry [her beloved blow-up doll] and melted his bollocks!’

I cringed and sank fu
rther down my bed. Clearly, my Salon’s reputation was now in shreds.

‘She tried to patch Barry up, but he looked like a melted burns victim,’ said Katie, feigning deep shock. ‘His memorial service was last week. I wanted to come over but mammy wouldn't let me.’

‘I lit a candle at mass for him, poor old Barry,’ said mum, solemnly shaking her head and blessing herself.

‘Mum, it was a blow up doll. He’s not real!’ I wished I’d never purchased that bloody Barry in the first pl
ace!’

‘Siobhan
threw caution to the wind,’ giggled Katie, oblivious to the fact I wasn’t finding this at all funny. ‘She booked in some furry blokes and went for it. Siobhan rocks. She burned the idiots’ arses, so she did.’

‘And now she could be facing a lawsuit and that’s not funny at all.’ Laura broke in. She didn’t sound happy and was glaring fixedly at the wardrobe door, clearly trying to get Katie’s attention.

‘Jeez, I mean, I like a man to be a
man
,’ Katie mumbled as she paired the heel-less Louboutins. ‘I mean, what’s the point of your man acting like a pussy? I have a perfect pussy of my own, I don't need another one.’

‘Language, young lady! Lord bless us and save us,’ said mum, blessing herself all over again.

‘So what’s going to happen now?’ I asked. While I was completely horrified with the news from the Salon, I was also distracted by Katie holding up my Louboutins. I was just waiting for her to question the state they were in.
Oh God. The next thing I know, this will be all over Facebook.

‘It’s all a bit of a mess. And it’s all been happening right under your nose,’ said L
aura compassionately. ‘But now is
certainly
not the right day to talk about it.’

I burst into floods of tears.

‘It’s all a mess. A great big mess; my life, my Salon, everything.’

‘Ah c’mon now pet,’ mum said, stepping forward and trying to comfort me. There was not
hing she could do though. I was distraught.

‘Tara, can I b
orrow this?’ Katie came out the wardrobe holding up my silk Yves Saint Laurent shirt.

‘Yes…
err, no. You can’t. Katie - please, not now!’ I screamed in a ferocious temper, reliving my last fateful evening with Travis at the Salon where I was wearing just that shirt. ‘I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe.’

‘Everybody out!’ ordered Laura. ‘Katie, get out of Tara’s wardrobe now. Go downstairs. Mum and Katie, OUT
. NOW. Mum… MUM, your bacon’s burning. Breathe… Tara, take deep breaths… It’s okay. It’s okay.’

‘But, I’ve no bacon on yet pet
…’ stammered mum, looking confused.

‘Then go and put some on!’ Laura snapped brutally.

‘Right so,’ said mum, turning back and looking at me with tears in her eyes.

I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes, revelling in the silence now it was just the two of us. ‘Will this ever end, Laura?’
I asked.

Laura tripped over the over-flowing ashtray
on the floor as she came to perch on the side of the bed. ‘Do you want a cigarette?’ she asked with a smile, pushing it with her toe.

I smiled weakly as she passed me my tea
, ‘Love one.’

‘When was the last time you laughed,
or smiled?’ Laura asked, getting up to close the bedroom door and open the windows.

‘I don’t know,’ I shrugged, sipping my tea.

‘Mum’s reading Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Laura grinned and scrunched her face up in disgust.