Game Over (22 page)

There are two things I can’t stand
: when somebody tries to play me for slow and when people, especially those who are
supposed
to be
good people
, use me.

That irks the shit out of me.

That rejection had obviously hit a nerve. The next time I called Jason, he didn’t answer. I called him several more times but still got no answer. Before long, two days had passed. He still wasn’t answering his phone or returning my texts or messages. At first, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’d lost his phone or it had been stolen. Maybe he was busy. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Eventually I had to come out of denial. It broke my heart but I had to realize…

I’d been played…by someone I thought was a true friend.

I still loved Jason. He still had my heart. I couldn’t deny it but he’d played me for the last time. My tolerance level for users dropped extremely low at that point. I could only take so much.

Out of nowhere, Jason finally texted me back.

DON’T SIGN.

I call
ed him immediately to find out why he didn’t want me to sign. Did he know something I didn’t know? Was something going to happen on the show I wasn’t prepared for? I had a million questions but he didn’t answer. I sent him several texts but he still didn’t respond.

Before that text, I’d listened carefully to all his advice. I had valued it. I didn’t think he would steer me wrong. He’d seemed so pro-Hollywood, so sincere about us getting our friendship back on track, so happy about seeing me succeed. Yet now, just like he’d done before, he switched up on me and broke my heart. Now he didn’t even care enough to even give me a damn call. Then it hit me. There was that one thing that hurt me above all…

He’d tried to
use
me! My guess, if I’d agreed to have him on the show as my boyfriend, things would have been different. Rapper or not, he could now, kiss my ass!

We all know skills don’t pay the bills. A new generation of Hip Hop fans
has risen and their money goes towards what’s hot, and what we see plastered over the TV. The best way to become relevant again, he probably felt, was to come on Love & Hip Hop with me. That’s the only way I can explain how he played me.

The realization pissed me off, but rather than let it eat me up, something Jason had said
played inside of my head…

“It’s your time to shine,
Hollywood!”

He was right. In the midst of a sad situation, I decided to take something good from
it. I realized and accepted that I had to stand on my own and do what was best for me. Against Jason’s advice, I signed my deal as a cast member of Love & Hip Hop Season 3. Someday I’ll thank him for putting that battery in my back.

During that
whole ordeal, I never told Slim about the episode I’d done with Emily. Everything happened so quickly, I was back in Miami before he even noticed. He’d been in Australia for a week or so which gave me time to do me. As the two of us continued to get to know each other, besides his sources stalking me and his unwillingness to spend any money on me, I also discovered how childish he was. That came out on New Year’s Eve 2011. His brother Birdman was hosting a Cash Money NYE party. As usual, Slim didn’t come out. Something about the attention, bright lights and crowds never sat well with him. He just didn’t like the spotlight at all. Anyway, I was enjoying myself that night just like everyone else at the party when my cell rang. The festivities were so loud that I couldn’t really hear him through the phone. With a finger plugged into my left ear in an attempt to hear him, I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times. Evidently he didn’t like that at all. He hung up. He then sent a text.

I’m not coming if you’re looking for me
.

I wasn’t surprised. I hadn’t expected him to show up. But I wasn’t going to spend my New Year’s Eve cooped up in the damn house. Still wanting to see him before the night was over, though, I sent him a text asking if he wanted to see me. Instead of saying yes or no, he simply returned a text telling me to enjoy myself and don’t stay out too late.

Games! Fuckin’ games!

He was mad at me for not devoting my
entire
night to him. It was always that way with him. He wanted me to come over. But instead of admitting it, he’d rather act like a damn child and pout about it. From that night on, we were in and out of touch.

As I said before, being with Slim wasn’t what I’d expected at all. To add to the strangeness, we never fucked. That scared me. It made me honestly wonder why? I wasn’t sure. Things between me and him began to grow shaky, finally ending in an eruption the night my episode of Love & Hip Hop New York
Season 2 aired. He’d told me he hadn’t seen it but at eleven o’clock that night he called and asked me to come over. I did. Within just several minutes, I was pulling up to the building his penthouse was located in. After passing my keys to the valet, I hopped the elevator. As soon as I stepped off the elevator and walked into the private elevator entrance of his penthouse, he snapped.

“
Why the fuck you do something like that without telling me?” he shouted like he was my father.

I was totally caught by surprise. He’d never spoken to me like that before. He’d never raised his voice. Also, I had no idea what he was talking about.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Don’t play dumb! I’m talking about the damn show!”

He’d told me earlier he hadn’t seen it.

“You wanna be on TV, huh? You just like the rest of these women! You ain
’t nothing but a groupie!”

He was furious. The look in his eyes
said he wanted to slap me.

“It’s not like that,” I attempted. “I kind of did it for Fab. He didn’t have anyone to speak up for him.”

“Oh, so you did fuck Fab?”

That was just his way of fishing for information. He was always inquiring about who I’d fucked in the industry.
I felt like he was too insecure. I’d told him before that I hadn’t fucked Fab but I knew he didn’t believe me.

“No, I didn’t fuck him
,” I returned.

“Then why else would you want to protect him?!”

“Slim, it’s not what you think. We’re just friends. Look, I know people in this industry and you can’t change that. Stop assuming that I fucked everyone I know in this industry. Some are just friends and business associates, that’s all. I’ve worked in the industry longer than you. I just haven’t been as successful.”

By the look on his face, he wasn’t buying it, although it really was the truth. I tried to plead my case but he didn’t want anything else to do with me. As far as he was concerned, I’d made him look stupid by appearing on the show. He was afraid people would draw the same misconception about
my and Fab’s relationship that he did. And the last thing he wanted the public to think or know was that a rapper had fucked his woman. He’d worked too hard to build his empire and didn’t want this to jeopardize it. But more so, his anger was out of pride and ego.

“S
lim,” I tried.

“Get out!”

Realizing there was nothing more I could say to convince him I was sorry, I grabbed my purse and left, saddened that it was probably over between us. Definitely needing a drink, I headed straight to The King of Diamonds. As I ran through several shots of Patron and reminisced on the moments Slim and I had shared together, I forced myself to accept that the relationship was over.

Maybe a missed opportunity for me?

Maybe not.

24-
Still Standing

2012 came bursting in with a bang and the worry of men had evaporated from my heart. Between my gig at Flavor Unit Films and officially filming season
three of Love & Hip Hop, I was staying busy. Maintaining good working relationships had paid off. Through the positive connections I had made I’d gotten calls to style Meek Mills, Wale and Trey Songz, for the Video, “Face Down”. I had also styled R&B singer Tank and fellow Love & Hip Hop cast member, Tahiry for the “Love Like This” video featuring rapper MSG. Tank was on the hook and Tahiry the girl in the video. I’d even styled Knick’s point guard, J.R Smith for some needed promo materials. But nothing compared to getting the last minute phone call where a stylist was needed for Nicki Minaj for “The Today Show.”

Dreams really do come true.  It's strange when I look back on
a lot of my introductions to celebrities. Just like with Skip and Swizz, most of them just happened. I hadn't planned them. They just fell right into my lap without me even trying. I guess somebody upstairs really likes me.

I’d like to think I created a success story out of what could’ve been a disaster.
I’d like to think I’ve grown. There are so many things I could’ve done differently, some I’m not so proud of…but that’s life. You live…you learn.

My work ethics now make me smile and I’m most proud of the working relationships I’ve built. Just from knowing Benzino, owner of
Hip Hop Weekly
from the Murder Inc. days, allowed me to call him after the controversial advice I gave Emily on Love & Hip Hop Season 2. I thought it would bring a good spark to the magazine if I was able to give other females advice on how to handle men. He agreed, and soon my column, Ask Winter appeared in
Hip Hop
Weekly
. I’m still writing that column today.

Th
rough the column, I let women know that the hip hop world may seem like a stunning and amazing place to be swept up in, but there’s a price to pay if you want to be a part of it. The fascination behind the lives of rappers, athletes, celebs and ballers is hard to shake, especially now with so much media focus. But trust and believe maintaining a relationship with one of these guys has never been, and will never be easy. You have to know what you are getting yourself into, what you want out of the relationship, and what you’re willing to put up with.

As I’ve said before, I have seen the dark side of this Hip Hop game; the brutality and domestic violence. And I wouldn’t wish some of it on my worst enemy.

Journal Entry

I never thought I would have to experience this ever. The first black eye I was told was an accident. But now he's comfortable enough to do this in front of all of us. Is he on drugs? I didn't think he had it in him. The dragging down the stairs and violent behavior made me look at him different. I wanted to team up with her and kick his ass but after the fight she acted like it was ok that it happened. I'm totally confused now. I'
ve never had to deal with this. Obviously this is something she was used to. Did she get roughed up like this before? I always said if it happens with other men then maybe she did something to deserve it…But fuck that nobody deserves to be hurt that way. No bag. shoes, car or anything else is worth feeling the pain I heard  in her screams. I'm sure I'll have nightmares after this. Bitch ass nigga scared in the street but can do this to his girl in front of her kid. Fucking punk. 

I need to tell someone who can help but who. He doesn't listen to anyone.

There's a child in here and these niggas walking around here saying we may have to bury her in the backyard one day. How can I stand by and allow this to happen. I wasn’t comfortable enough to talk to him about it but I was stupid to think the first black eye was an accident. Maybe his manager would be able to get to him. We didn't need her really getting hurt or even calling the cops. I'm not sure if there are guns or drugs in here and this is the last thing he needed for his career and reputation. His boys thought it was funny but I swear I cry myself to sleep at night trying to figure out how to help.

Journal Entry 

I got up enough courage today to talk to her about what's going on. She admitted it happened in a previous relationship. And even gave specific details of incidents in the past. The way she spoke was like she was used to it and didn't really mind. I decided that now I need to mind my business. You are content with what's going on so why am I losing sleep over it. Obviously the material things and the good times outweigh the ass whippings. I'll just mind my business and go downstairs the next time something like this happens. And I'm sure there are more ass whippings in the future. This Hip Hop shit is out of control.

Some of the same women I’ve seen get abused, most assume are living the good life just because they’re on television or dating a celebrity. These same
women can’t even get someone to stop the abuse because they don’t want to confront a rapper or celeb. Although I never got pulled down a staircase my ups and downs in the industry run a close match. I guess these experiences—good and bad had to happen to make me the person I am today. I now have the confidence to understand, I don’t need a certain type of man to validate me. I don’t have to be with a rapper, athlete, or someone with money. I still have my faith and have come to grips with waiting for the right man as the best solution rather than trying out every man.  

No more
games.

I truly believe every man was brought into my life for a reason and served their purpose. There were many lessons learned from each of them. The personality traits of men I’ve slept with have rubbed off on me in some way, most likely remaining wi
th me for the rest of my life. Of course there are some who I assume never had an orgasm since I see none of their characteristics in myself.

I believe I picked up my business sense from Dame and Swizz, absorbing some of their intelligence cells and my young energetic, spirit from Young Berg. I’m known to have the mouth of a squawking bird, loud and over the top at times. Surely that came from Slim Thug. Add that to my ability to stand up for myself and demand what I want, which no doubt came from Smiley. Of course every time I find myself in a brawl, I think of Skip
—hot head.

Jadakiss and
Big Money possess so many of the same traits it’s hard to tell where each contributed, yet through them both certainly I gained determination, power and selfishness all at the same time. They knew how to hustle and grind—hard. They each had the will power to never give up, something that sticks with me today. 

Just like your spouse can mess up your credit, or your lover can make you smile, there’s the good and bad you take from every relationship. At times I was drawn to these guys just for money, sometimes it was just sex. Then there were times when it wasn’t either.
These men all represented all the best aspects of what I expected out of life at the time; fun, travel, excitement, love, sex, grinding, passion, and hustle.   

I hold no grudges against any of them. They handled me the best way they knew how. 

No retaliation needed. I’m still on top. I have my sanity, my friends, my family, my faith, and now a host of readers to lean on. 

I really have grown up. 

Game Over.