Going Solo (New Song) (17 page)

Alice sniffed. "I know but I... I want to spend the next couple of days with Carson and love him with all my heart."

She was not looking forward to leaving him again. She looked through the window and wondered why she was not feeling lighter. She felt worse now than when she stepped off the plane.

Emilia said hoarsely, her voice low, "I missed you, you know, when you left. Remember the last day when you came by me and you said goodbye."

"Yes." Alice nodded. "You begged me not to go." She gave Emilia a half smile.

"You were crying and you said you couldn't take it anymore."

Alice nodded. "I couldn't. Mia had colic, or something, and she was crying around the clock and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't hurting. I couldn't pretend that I was happy. I couldn't pretend that Pastor Keen was not my rapist.”

Emilia hung her head. "We started going to Sligoville Church after the whole thing." She looked up at Alice and gave her a half smile. "At least look on the bright side. He is trapped in a prison now. He can't move from his waist down and needs someone to feed him."

"So I heard," Alice said. "Justice was served for me and whomever else he raped."

Emilia shifted on the chair uncomfortably. "I had Friya to think about too, Alice. Maybe I was misguided but I really wanted Blue gone."

Alice looked at Emilia, her eyes stony. "If we are ever going to move on from this, I can't hear that excuse again."

Emilia nodded slowly. "Okay."

"How is Friya?" Alice asked, changing the subject.

"She is fine. She's a nurse and engaged to be married," Emilia said proudly. "Courtney and Greg are doing well in university; both are on scholarships."

"It's hard to imagine them now," Alice said.

"I have a picture here." Emilia rummaged in her handbag and took out a small album, handing it to Alice.

Alice looked through the pictures of her smiling brothers. They were tall and gangly, and almost men. Courtney was the same age at which Carson had gotten married.

Her sister was a petite, pretty version of her mother. Beside her was a portly, pleasant-faced man that her mother proudly pointed out as Friya's fiancée. Even Mia and Carson were in the album. There was a picture of Mia blowing out candles on her birthday cake. Her last birthday seemed as if it had been a family affair.

She looked through the pictures and felt a sense of alienation like never before. It hit her that she did not belong anywhere. She did not know her siblings anymore and her mother had a new life.

In the pictures, Emilia was smiling and looked happy. Alice could not remember her ever having looked so carefree. That care-worn downtrodden look that was her constant companion when Blue was in her life was gone.

Then there was Carson and Mia. They were a unit and had an extensive support system. What about her, where was she? She was nowhere, disconnected and adrift. Everywhere in Carson's house were pictures of him and Mia and his family, his band members, and his friends.

Her mother had pictures of her family.

Alice was nowhere in any of these documentations of treasured moments and special people. She felt as if she did not matter. They had all survived without her. Not only had they survived, they had thrived.

She handed back the album with mixed feelings. She did not want to be in their photos anyway.

"They would love to see you," Emilia said, intruding on her thoughts. "We talk about you all the time."

Alice felt as if she were standing in the middle of a tug of war: at one end was Emilia and at the other Mia. She was reluctant to be either a daughter or a mother to them. Bridging the divide was not going to happen in her short one-month vacation. She could see that now.

She went for her handbag, which she had left in the living room, and pulled out a business card and handed it to Emilia. "These are all my numbers. Maybe we can start talking again."

Emilia took it reverently. "Thank you Alice." She searched her bag for paper and scribbled her numbers on something. "Here are my numbers too."

Alice looked at her mother's work-worn fingers and remembered, without the pain crowding her mind, how those fingers used to massage her scalp, when they had mother- daughter time on Sundays, sitting on the back step. To be honest, she missed having a mother.

She took the paper that Emilia handed to her and nodded. "I'll call."

"I am so happy right now," Emilia said, nodding jerkily.

Alice bit her lip. She felt a little shard of that emotion too, somewhere in the turmoil.

Chapter Seventeen

By the time she had picked up Mia and had moved into Carson's room with Mia's help, she was feeling exhausted, both mentally and emotionally. It had been a roller coaster day.

Mia had not let any silence extend between them. She was determined to let Alice know everything that there was to know about her and the more she spoke the guiltier Alice felt.

She lay down on the bed with her hand over her head. Mia had finally given her some respite and had gone to have a bath. When Carson entered the room, she did not even hear him.

"Hey," he said softly.

Alice opened her eyes. "What am I doing here, Carson?"

He closed the door and leaned on it. "You are making an effort to repair past damage, making up for lost time."

He started removing his clothes. "Want to join me in the shower?"

"No," Alice said, "Yes... I don't know," she groaned. "I am having an emotional overload right now."

"Now is the perfect time to join me, then." He took her hand and led her into the shower, removing her clothes piece by piece.

"I am going to miss this," Alice said.

"You don't have to," Carson said, smiling at her before devouring her lips.

An hour slipped by quickly. Alice felt lighter and happier.

Carson came out with a towel in hand and towel dried her hair. "We have the Mayor's Ball, tomorrow," he said gently.

Alice slipped into one of Carson's shirts, rolled up the sleeves and sat in the middle of the bed. "I am looking forward to it," Alice said. "Singing with you in public again and feeling the synergy of the band."

"Sometimes," Carson said, "I wish our lives were different, you and me, but when I think about it, I can't wish away Mia."

He finished toweling her hair dry.

"What if I had given her up for adoption?" Alice said. "We could have moved on. I think I should have done that."

Carson sat beside her and scratched his chest. "But you did give her up, Alice."

"To you," Alice said mournfully. "And in the process I lost you."

Carson sighed. "Alice, there is something we need to talk about."

"What?" Alice asked.

"The prospect of having other children," Carson said sheepishly. "We haven't done anything to prevent that from happening."

Alice smiled. "I am ahead of you on that. I happen to be on the pill to regulate my period. Low dose but still effective."

Then the thought occurred to her when she saw his disappointed expression, "You weren't planning to keep me here barefoot and pregnant, were you?"

Carson shrugged. "The thought had occurred to me and I liked it."

Alice kissed him on the tip of his nose. "I am not sure I want to be a mother again. I hated it the first time."

"It would be different this time," Carson said, "you know that. We are both in different places in our lives. You could move out here, set up a parlor here and do your hairdressing."

"You want more children, don't you?" Alice felt almost nervous waiting for his answer.

"Oh yes," Carson said. "I do."

Alice lay down and rolled over on her stomach. "I knew it. We can't just live in the moment without you having to build castles in the sky."

Carson put his hand on her back. "You know I am a castle in the sky kind of guy."

"I am running from motherhood and you want to drag me into it." Alice complained crossly. "I have one kid already that I am just getting to know. Can't we leave it at that?"

"Sure," Carson said, but his voice did not have a pleased tone to it, and Alice wondered if he imagined that because she was there meant that she was considering living with him again permanently.

*****

The Mayor's Ball was a grand affair and the New Song Band were not the only band there to serenade the seventy-year-old veteran and his sixty-five-year-old wife on their fortieth anniversary.

Alice was thankful that she had carried her little black dress with her. It was perfect for this occasion. She had bought silver shoes to wear with it and she knew that she looked good in her outfit. She was gleaming from head to toe.

"You look like a princess," Mia said when they were heading out.

"Thank you, Mia." Alice smiled. It was hard to look at Mia's adoring look and not feel special.

"You really do look lovely." Ruby, who was babysitting, said to her in an almost friendly tone.

"Thank you, Ruby."

"Ready Gorgeous?" Carson asked.

"Yes, Gorgeous." Alice laughed, looking him over. His tuxedo fitted him perfectly. She touched his freshly shaven cheek.

When they reached the Ritz Carlton Hotel and entered the ballroom, Alice could see that it was going to be a grand affair. They received a program and Alice saw that they were going to be the first ones to perform. She felt a nervous flutter in her heart. She had not done anything like this in years.

"You'll be fine." Carson whispered in her ear. "Imagine that all the people in here are wearing bathing suits."

Alice giggled. "Even that old gentleman over there?"

"Especially him." Carson took her elbow and they headed toward the front. Before they reached the front of the room, Carson was stopped, several times, by some of Jamaica's most influential people. He introduced her as his wife.

"You are very popular," Alice said in surprise.

"Cars are the great unifier between boys," Carson said, laughing. "And I do know a thing or two about cars."

When he was stopped by a guy who was about his age, Alice was looking around and admiring the décor, expecting that they would be speaking for just a moment but then Carson brought her closer. He said, "This is Alice, my wife." The young man grinned. He was tall like Carson and had a friendly face and very white teeth. He took her hand and pumped it vigorously. "Alice, I have been dying to meet you."

Alice gave him a polite smile.

"I am Pastor Bobby James. You can call me Bobby, Jamie, whatever. This is my wife, Tina." He indicated to the lady beside him.

Alice shook her hand. Tina was short and looked doll-like. Her big bright eyes were friendly.

"Hi, Alice," she said, with almost the same exuberance as her husband. Alice wondered what Carson had told them about her to make them so warm toward her.

"I am the pastor at Cedar Hill Church for about a year now." Bobby said. I heard that you were the only girl in the New Song Band from back in the day."

Alice nodded.

"I am happy you are here," Bobby said kindly. "Come with Carson to church on Sabbath, hmmm. Lunch is over at our house. Don't say
No
,
" he said quickly, before she could reply.

When they walked off Alice turned to Carson. "What the..."

"No swearing," Carson said grinning.

"But I..." Alice whispered fiercely. "Don't they know that I am the big bad witch that left her child and husband for ten years?"

Carson laughed out loud. "They are the real deal, non-judgmental Christians. Bobby is so happy that my wife is around. He doesn't care if you were away and how long you were away. What he sees is that you are here now. He is a lovely person. He and Tina have a daughter Mia's age. Her name is Sancia."

"Oh," Alice said, "They must have gotten married young too. Mia has spoken about Sancia several times."

"They are like peas in a pod." Carson said.

"But I swore I'd never go back to Cedar Hill Church," Alice said as they neared the stage.

Logan and Ian were already there. They were also in their tuxedos. They both looked handsome and Alice did an eye sweep as usual. There were some female eyes trained at them. It reminded her of back in their teenage years when the girls would befriend her so they could get introduced to a band member or two.

Carson hugged her around her shoulder. "Never say
Never
."

"Hey, you two." Ian came over to them. "Nervous, Alice?"

"A bit," Alice said, "but Carson said I should imagine that everyone is in their bathing suits."

"The song is a breeze for the two of you. I doubt you'll have to go that far," Ian said. He patted her on the shoulder.

She was one of them again, she realized, at least for now. The other band members gathered round and chatted with her with easily. They had all been placed at a table near the front and she sat beside Carson.