Gonzo (Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club Book 7) (7 page)

C
onstance

I
made
pancakes the next morning while Gonzo fried bacon and sausage to go with them. We worked well together in my kitchen and I was starting to feel… if not comfortable, at least not as uptight around the gruff, burly biker.

I still couldn’t believe I’d told him I wanted a hug last night, and in the light of day I was a little mortified about it, but his arms had felt good around me and I’d needed to feel them again to be sure I hadn’t imagined it the first time.

I was two years older than Sandy. She lost her virginity at fourteen, and I hadn’t even been kissed yet at sixteen. She’d gone outside to call a friend and tell her all about it, and I’d opened my window a little so I could hear. I’d been both worried for her and a little jealous she could just throw caution to the wind and have fun. I was a straight A student who studied every second of the day. My friends were the other straight A students who also studied all the time. Our conversations were about assignments, and colleges we planned to apply for.

Until last night, I’ve never just sat on the couch and watched television alone with a man. It was disconcerting. I’ll have to watch the episode again later when I’m alone, because I barely remember what happened with his body so close to mine — I couldn’t think. And then his jokes, and his smart-aleck remarks that made me laugh. I’d enjoyed having him close.

But then, he didn’t reassure me he doesn’t do anything illegal. How can I have someone in my house who makes enough criminally gotten income to write a check for a new Maxima? I looked it up this morning — that’s forty thousand dollars.

Of course, my subconscious pointed out I work for a pharmaceutical company, and many people probably think my money comes from morally corrupt activities. I like to think what I do saves lives and reduces pain, but I’m aware of how people feel about the prices for drugs when they first come to market.

Still, I’ll never be arrested for doing my job, and there’s a possibility Gonzo could. What would it do to the kids if he went to prison?

I had all these thoughts while pouring batter and flipping pancakes inches away from Gonzo as he expertly handled pans of bacon and sausage at the same time.

“Aunt Constance, Daddy said people don’t have to be married to make babies. Why did you tell us they do?”

I swung my head around to look at him, and he flipped two more pieces of bacon, removed a couple to a paper towel, and turned to smile at Chloe. “We talked about how it used to be that people were married before they made a baby, but things have changed and I think more people who aren’t married might be making babies now.”

“You and mommy weren’t married.”

“That’s right. We lived in Atlanta and I think your Aunt Constance lived here, so she never met me.”

“Our friend Katie says people meet and fall in love and then get married. Did you love our mommy?”

I wanted to step in and answer, but I also knew the kids needed to hear the answer from their father. I wished he and I had talked about this ahead of time, but we hadn’t so there wasn’t much I could do to lead the conversation.

Gonzo turned off two of the stove’s eyes and took both pans off the heat. He squatted so he was eye level with the kids and said, “I didn’t know your mommy well enough to know if I might have loved her, eventually. If I’d known her better then maybe she’d have told me about the two of you, and my heart breaks knowing I never got to hold you when you were babies, or hear your first words, or see your first steps. But now I’m in your lives, and there are so many firsts I can still share with the two of you.”

“How did you make us? Was it on accident?” Declan worked so hard to enunciate the last word, and my heart broke for him.

“One of the most wonderful accidents
ever
, Declan. I loved reading to the two of you last night, and I’m thrilled I get to eat breakfast with you this morning.”

“Annabell said the daddy puts a seed inside the mommy. Did you do that?”

“The pancakes are ready, ya’ll take your seats.” I told the room in general. “We’re going hiking today so you need to get lots of energy inside you.”

Gonzo had brought five pounds of bacon and two pounds of sausage, and I wondered who he thought he was feeding. It turns out, he was feeding himself because he let the kids and I get what we wanted and then he ate the rest. I made double the pancakes I usually make, and once he was sure we had all we wanted, he wiped those out, too.

When we were finally all in the car and on our way, Gonzo informed me he wasn’t happy with our footwear and he was taking us to an outdoors store for boots before we went to the woods. He also insisted on paying for them — nearly five hundred dollars for three pairs of boots — and my mouth fell open when he opened his wallet and paid in cash. Who keeps that kind of money in their wallet?

My subconscious reminded me,
criminals have that kind of cash on them
. It was like having cold water thrown on me, but I reminded myself you can’t choose your family. Sandy was family and — like it or not — she’d brought him into the family.

I wondered if the boots on my feet were bought with blood money, but as soon as I had the thought I set it aside as overly dramatic. I didn’t know what the club might do to make so much money but I was fairly certain they didn’t make it by killing people. One of the reasons I’d decided to approach Gonzo was because I realized how much the RTMC does for charity, after all.

He’d wanted to take his car, and told me he’s a really bad passenger,
and
pointed out he knew where we were going and I didn’t. Since car seats are such a pain to get in and out of vehicles I’d suggested he drive my car. The kids like to buckle themselves in, but I always make sure the straps aren’t twisted and everything’s secure. I noted he did the same thing with Chloe on the other side of the car without my having to explain a thing. He then walked around and checked Declan before taking the driver’s seat.

I was a little put out. I mean, I’ve kept them alive this long, but the mother bear part of me liked that he wanted to be sure they’re safe.

He sang silly songs with the kids until they fell asleep, and then he asked me about the car seats. “I used Britax years ago because they were supposed to be the best. I’ve never heard of Recaro.”

“They make seats for Nascar, and use the same materials and same technology for their children’s car seats. If you go online there are people who say Britax seats are the safest, and others who are adamant Recaro makes the safest seats, and each side is quite passionate about their choice. I’m a scientist, so I found data I could study — hard facts about how they held up in crash tests.”

“And I wholeheartedly approve of the thought and time you’ve put into keeping them safe. I’ll get some Recaro seats for my car.” He glanced at me and looked back at the road. “Thanks for the save this morning. I was scrambling for an answer.”

“At this age it isn’t too hard to maneuver their attention where you want, but those are questions you’ll one day have to answer. At some point they’re going to know how babies are made and they’re going to figure out the truth, or something close to it.”

He kept his eyes on the road this time. “I know. I hated having to tell them they were an accident, but I also know I can’t lie to them or it’ll bite me in the ass later.”

I looked into the back seat again to be sure they were still sleeping soundly, and then faced forward again before I got carsick. “My dad does best in the basement apartment because he’s so rigid with his schedule, and it works for him to have his own little kitchen downstairs so he can keep to his god-awful timetables without us bothering him, or him disturbing our routine. You seem to be trying to work your schedule to ours, though, so I wonder if perhaps you shouldn’t stay in one of the guest bedrooms upstairs.”

In truth, the kids had gone into the apartment with him this morning before breakfast and I’d felt as if I might intrude by going into the personal space I’d given him.

He reached for my hand, held it a few seconds while he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, and then let go. “Thank you. I’ve told you from the beginning I know kids need familiarity and routine. I don’t want to disrupt their lives. I’ll become familiar to them within their routine, and then maybe we’ll slowly adjust their routine to bring me into their lives more. I’d like to take them shopping in a few weeks so they can pick out bedroom furniture so they’ll have rooms at my house. I’m going to have a door put between two of the bedrooms so they’ll still be connected, even though it’s two rooms.”

My stomach did a somersault and dread hit me as I said, “You want them to have their own rooms at your house?”

“I want them to spend the night some, yes. If you want to stay the first couple of times I’m okay with that, and if they freak and want you the first time we try it solo then perhaps we’ll try Skyping you first, and if that doesn’t work then I can either bring them home or you can come to us.”

“You know this is the honeymoon phase, right? They’ve wanted a daddy so bad, and they have one and they’re on their best behavior. You’re a Disney dad right now, showing up with gifts and doing fun stuff, but you don’t have to discipline them or reprimand them. The first time you do, you have to know things will be different.”

“Of course I do. Parenting is about teaching and molding, it isn’t about being their friend. I put my foot down about bedtime last night and it worked out okay. I know how it feels when your child is mad at you, but I’ll love them enough to piss them off because I’d rather they learn discipline and self-control at an early age from me than have to learn it the hard way when they’re a teen or young adult.” He sighed. “I’m loving this time I have with them now, but it hurts me to know I’m really no more than a visitor. I still have to earn that daddy title. I know I do.”

Darn, could he have possibly answered that question any better? “Okay, two weekends from now you can take them shopping, and when the furniture arrives and is all set up, the kids and I will spend the night at your house. How many guest rooms do you have?”

“Right now I have one guest room and an office, which will be turned into two children’s bedrooms. I’ll sleep on the sofa and you can take my bed. I’ll even change the sheets for you.”

I felt something warm inside at the thoughts of sleeping in his bed, and it mortified me. “No, I can sleep on your sofa. I don’t want to put you out.”

“Nonsense. You’ll sleep in my bed. If you don’t want to put me out then I’ll sleep there, too.”

The warm feeling came back and I turned the air conditioner up. “Absolutely not.”

“Hey, I told you we’ll keep things to friends, Connie. It’s possible to sleep in the same bed without having sex.”

“For you? I doubt it.” My face flamed hot as the last two words left my mouth. I never speak without thinking about it first, but it’d just popped out before I realized I was saying it aloud. “Oh God, I’m sorry. Please forget I said that.”

Instead of being mad, he chuckled. “Okay, so I’ll admit it hasn’t happened in years, but I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

What did I
want
him to do? I liked it when he touched my hand and I’d never really understood why people did that, before. The same with his hugs — I’d always felt smothered when people surrounded me with their arms, but he made me feel safe.

“No pressure, Connie. You’re overthinking this. I sleep on the ground in the woods, often without even a tent. I won’t mind my sofa.”

When we finally arrived and parked, we each woke a child and took them to a picnic area for some juice and raisins. I could hear the falls in the distance, but had no idea they’d be so close. My first view of them from the overlook had me in awe, and it seemed the kids thought so, too.

And he’d been right about the kids on the trail. They were like little mountain goats, while Gonzo held my hand and kept me from sliding several times. He was as surefooted as the twins, and now
I
felt like the odd man out. I called them back several times, but finally Gonzo stood me beside a tree I could hold onto, and called the twins to him. He once again squatted so he was on their level, and told them, “There are bears, snakes, and other things that could hurt you.” He pointed to a vine on another tree. “That’s poison ivy, see the three leaves? You think, ‘leaves of three, leave them be,’ and you don’t touch it or it’ll give you itchy blisters that hurt something
awful
and spread all over your arms. How can I teach you these things if you aren’t close? I need to teach you not to step over a log without making sure a snake isn’t under or around it, I need to teach you about trail blazes, and a hundred other things. When we get to the splash pool you’ll be able to rock hop and run around a little, but you’re going to have to stay with us on the trail.”

“Don’t be mean, Daddy,” said little Chloe as her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m not being mean, baby. I need to teach you how to be safe in the woods. What if you were around a corner and didn’t know to look for a snake, and one bit you? You have to stay close so I can look out for things that could hurt you.”

He hugged her and then Declan, and stood. “You aren’t in trouble now, so wipe your tears. If you get ahead of us again though, you will be.”

“What’ll happen if we get in trouble?” asked Declan.

I wanted to speak up, but I let Gonzo handle it.

“If both of you are in trouble then you’ll sit on opposite sides of the trail facing away from each other in timeout. If it’s only one of you then you’ll sit in time out facing away from us while I play games in the dirt with whoever isn’t in trouble.”

“Games in the dirt?”

He found a stick, squatted again, and drew a tic-tac-toe grid. “Yeah, games in the dirt.”

“Cool!” they both said in unison, and he chuckled and stood as he reached for my hand. “Okay, see the great big tree on the right of the trail ahead of us? You can both run ahead of us to it, stand with your toes touching it, and look up.”