H. A. Carter (11 page)

I am no savior.

I am no protector.

I am no angel.

Just a monstrous demon. God, they were right
about me! I'm so sorry, Mother!

I'm sorry Jo...

I failed you.

I failed myself. I stooped to his level and
now everything in my world suffered the consequences. I hate JJ
with every inch of my being, but I am beginning to hate myself even
more. Wow, even Here he's winning.

Why did I let my anger toward JJ and his
goons fan the flames? Why did I keep dwelling on my hatred? Why did
I let it consume me?

Had I not swam in the depths of my wallowing,
would everyone still be alive? Would Joanna have been able to move
on? Would she have kept going just for me? Would John and I have
become friends again?

I hate to admit my defeat, but I let JJ
become the better man by taking his life. He became the martyr. And
me? Instead of climbing to higher ground, I fell as far as my soul
could possibly go.

I let him win.

“Damn it, Harvey, don't argue with me! This
is what I want! Please!”

I shook my head roughly, trying to throw out
the inconceivable words that now invaded my thoughts. How could
she?

“No!”

Slender hands reached up quickly, shoving me
hard in the stomach.

“How about now, huh? Because I can keep it
up! I can't be left here, Harvey! You can't do this to me!” thick
tears streamed down uncontrollably, mixing with the previous bout
of dried salty pain.

She can't be serious. This isn't
happening.

She drew her hand back and slapped me hard
across my cheek, the sting of her pain boring into my soul as small
red finger marks developed against my pale skin.

She grabbed the hot metallic gun in one quick
movement, pressing it hard to her temple. The shock of her
abrasiveness rocked my core and froze my bravery. I feared my
fingers would slip somehow and it would all be for nothing.

Why is she doing this?!

“Jo, don't do this. This is not supposed to
happen!”

“Neither is what you are planning,” she
accused coldly, “Do you honestly expect me to stand by and watch
you do this? Do you expect me to keep living after that? Because I
won't! I can't! You know that. You've always said you'd do anything
for me, Harvey. I'm asking you to please take me with you. Please
don't leave me here.”

I knew what I was going to do would hurt her,
but hoped she would understand and forgive, not

want to join me. I began to worry about the
consequences of what my absence would do to her.

She wouldn't...would she?

My hands trembled uncontrollably as the
barrel of the gun slowly left a circular imprint against

her fair skin.

What the hell am I going to do?

As I saw it right now, there were two clear
choices.

One, I change the plan and face my punishment
knowing she would be considered an accessory.

Or two, I take her with me.

*

Sharp stabs of remorse pierce my broken
heart. I can't believe I let her talk me into it.

My cocktail of orange juice and mint
chocolate ice cream did nothing to console the deep sadness that
reiterated over and over again in my mind. Truth was often a hard
pill to swallow, and this one was choking me. I wanted this cruel
joke to end. No more punchlines.

It just can't possibly be, I muttered to
myself.

The crumpled phone records on the table
pulsed haughtily back at me. Laughing at the blatant proof that lay
before my eyes. How did I not see it before?

Well, Sarah Douglas, I wonder if you know my
mother calls your husband in the wee hours of the night. I wonder
if you know he calls her just as much.

The long list of back and forth phone calls
extended the entire paper. I wondered if every month looked like
this or if it was a recent development. I knew my mother was going
to be furious once she found out I had opened her mail, but, I had
to be sure. I had to know. Why the hell did I have to know? I
should have just left it alone.

I shook my head in disbelief.

How could he have known this entire time? He
knew?! He knew and still treated me like trash. Hell, he probably
treated me like shit because he knew.

JJ's unsurprised expression still holding
firm against my shock and awe grimace. I was so sure this would
change things. I should have known better with JJ. Anything that
had to do with me, he blatantly would spit on without any inkling
of regret. The crushing reality that he hated me all these years
because of the truth hurt more than I ever thought it could.

I almost chuckled to myself slightly.

Anyone but him. It could have been anyone but
him. Why him?

“Harvey, you're a piece of shit. I don't know
what you thought was going to happen, but you're wrong no matter
what it is. I hate you. I hate your whore of a mother. So does my
father.”

I pushed back the urge to cry, not giving him
the satisfaction of knowing he caused me more agony. I desperately
wanted to have some kind of upper hand. There had to be something
that could hurt this asshole!

I raised my head confidently, a blissful
smile creeping up in the corner of my mouth.

“Well, JJ, I don't really care what you
think. Or your shitty dad. All I know, is that Joanna thinks I'm a
pretty good guy. Oh, that's right, she turned you down, didn't she?
Man, that had to have hurt, being rejected like that and all. Can't
say she's ever said “no” to me though,” I took in a deep
exaggerated breath, “She's smells just like butterflies and
lavender. So intoxicating. And I can't even begin to describe how
delightful her cherry lip gloss tastes.”

Disbelief mixed with envious rage spread fast
across JJ's face. An evil grin of superiority formed across my
face. It felt so empowering to get the best of him that I just
couldn't control my

outright pleasure of his childish jealousy. I
ached to keep twisting the knife deeper and deeper into his envy,
but pulled back, hearing Joanna's apprehensive voice telling me to
let it go. I was so thankful for her reasoning. That assuring voice
had talked me out of a lot of idiotic decisions.

I gave JJ another quick arrogant glance
before walking away, almost skipping as I went. I decided against
looking back. I had already gained enough joy from his jealously.
What started out as a shit sandwich of disappointment had turned
into quite the delicious feast of revenge. I was so proud of myself
for finally having something that asshole would never possess.

It's strange how I cease to be sad for my
increasing lack of human emotions within my hellish prison. I am
beginning to numb to the never-ending anguish that feeds on my
soul. Loneliness is even becoming such a constant that I no longer
dwell on its pain. Am I losing what minute amount of humanity that
I had left? Am I becoming what they all feared I would be? Do I
even care?

Joanna woke up red eyed and disheveled in my
tired arms. Her bloodshot eyes still caked with smudged eye liner
and tears. I swallowed hard as I gazed into her lost soul, knowing
what I was about to tell her could either break the rest of her
spirit or put it back together.

“Jo, I have to do something about this.
I...I,” I hesitated heavily, both afraid and relieved at my next
statement, “I'm going to kill JJ.”

I threw it out there. All my cards were laid
out on the table. Go big, or go home.

Joanna stared back at me blankly, and I
wondered if she had even comprehended gravity of what I had just
said. She didn't say a word, didn't move, she didn't even
blink.

I let her ponder a while, and just as I
opened my mouth to explain my reasoning, she spoke.

“I'll help you.”

“That's not going to happen...”

“I'll help you.”

“Jo, I'm doing this and I'm doing it
alone.”

“I said, I'll help you!”

“Jo..”

“You can't argue with me because you know I'm
right. I'm going to help you.”

I hated it when she was right.

It always comes to this. That one final
moment before all is lost. Why can't I just skip this part? Why
can't I just skip all of it? I want to go back to my happy
memories. What few I have left. But, They are already stripping
those from the caverns of my heart, leaving only agony and
angst.

My humanity is all but a cruel joke now. I
feel next to nothing. My heart hides from the pain of tortured
reality. My soul recoils at every thought of those I once
considered my world.

They are taking everything from me.

Everything but the pain.

*

My hands were sweating heavily as I feared
the gun would slip from my grip. Her once kind and innocent eyes
glared back at me with intense pleading and suffering. She pressed
herself harder against the gun, it's searing end now burning her
flesh. Cringes of pain escaped her stone-like posture.

I lowered my head in absolute shame. I almost
vomited as the reality of what I was about to do rocked my very
core, crushing all hope I ever clung to for my future, or hers.

She stepped back from the gun, the red
blistered circle pulsating brightly in front of me. Her soft hand
reached up and touched my rough dewy cheek.

“Harvey, I love you. Even after what
happened, that will never change. But because of what happened, I
can't live without you. One way or another, I'm going to lose you
forever because of what we just did. I can't live knowing I'll
never see you again. You have to take me with you, Harvey. Please,
it's the only way to stay together,” diamond like tears fell in
shiny spheres down her cheeks as she spoke her peace.

I fought back more tears. There had been too
much sadness spilled here already today. I closed my eyes tightly
forcing back my hurt and grief.

Why couldn't she just be satisfied with him
gone?

Suicide pacts were never in my long term
goals and I hated Romeo and Juliet with a passion. Were these
star-crossed lovers going to walk in their ignorant footsteps as
well? I wondered.

I already knew the answer before I asked the
question. I only hoped it would be quick and painless.

“Okay,” I said quietly, just barely above a
whisper.

She craned her head toward me, as if she
needed to hear it louder. I couldn't say it again, so I nodded and
left it at that, her comprehension growing apparent as she nodded
slightly back. Joanna squared her shoulders and raised her head
high. Her bold fearlessness made my own bravery seem weak.

I tightened my jaw, squeezed the gun hard in
my hand, and raised it to her angelic face. I breathed in deeply
through my half clogged nostrils, and put my index finger
comfortably on the trigger. I began to think back on all the serene
moments we had shared the last year, our love growing deeper than
any I could have ever imagined. Jo was my heart, my soul, my
everything. She was the only person I could ever feel comfortable
dying for. And now, here we were, literally dying for each
other.

The gun hovered in the air directly in front
of Joanna's peaceful face. She had accepted this fate more readily
than I could. Had she made these plans before learning of mine?

As much as I tried to disagree, I knew she
had.

“I love you, Harvey,” she began to whisper
softly in her sweet siren voice.

I swallowed my shame and guilt in one thick
lump, letting the flood of tears burst through gates of my courage.
I shook my head roughly trying to escape this harsh reality.

“I love you, Jo. I never wanted any of this
to happen to you,” I cried uncontrollably, still refusing to accept
this fate.

She grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers in
mine and squeezing tightly. The love of my ill-fated life continued
to whisper her endearing goodbye to me as her honey colored eyes
closed for the last time. I sobbed like a beaten child as she
squeezed my hand until the blood failed to reach the tips of my
fingers.

Now, Harvey. It has to be now. With a heavy
heart and a heavy finger, I pulled the trigger.

BANG!!

The sound echoed thunderously around my
trembling body. A wave of intense desensitization encompassed my
being as I became deaf and blind to the world around me. It took
several seconds for my vision to clear and my heart to accept my
fate. My tear-soaked eyes faced the utter horror of what I had just
done with disgust and excruciating torment. Stabbing anguished pain
seared through my body as I tried to stay standing before my
beloved. Her hair turned a bright crimson as the life of my Joanna
seeped across the blood-tarnished floor. My knees buckled as I fell
before her still body. I reached out and caressed her silken cheek.
Her face was serene and peaceful. I used to love watching her sleep
and saddened at the thought that this would be the last time. At
least, it would make killing myself a little easier now. I almost
thanked her for that.

As I sat next to my lost Juliet, I took
inventory of all the spent bullets of the last few minutes. The
blaring of sirens and horns screaming outside deterred me for only
the briefest of moments. I had started with six bullets. Six. I had
planned to kill only JJ and then shoot myself, so why had I chosen
to put in six bullets? Had I known it wouldn't be that simple?

The piercing ache in my heart grew more
intense with each passing second. Shouts of surrender and bursting
doors invaded my mind, forcing me to act. I gave Jo once last
glance, hoping to see her beautiful face soon. I closed my eyes and
placed the still hot gun in my mouth, the thick taste of warm metal
crawling across my tongue.