Hanging On (21 page)

Over the course of the next quarter hour, Sophia explained the concepts of clitoral and anal stimulators to Drew’s mother. By the time they sat down to sip their cooled tea, Miranda had two unused vibrators tucked away in her purse. Although Sophia explained how to sterilize them, she did gift them to Miranda. She had plenty, and two would not be missed. As she dumped the rest of them into her bag, Miranda admonished Sophia not to say anything to Drew.

“Andrew would never understand,” she said. “He was plenty interested in talking about sex right up until he realized his father and I still have a wild time in the bedroom. Jonathan kept the lines of communication open, but it’s become a father/son issue.”

Just when Sophia became comfortable talking to Miranda and assumed she would keep the topics neutral, she changed the subject.

“Tell me, Sophia, do you get these headaches often? It sounds like a migraine.”

“It was,” she said, sipping her tea and putting Miranda off as long as she could. “Not a bad one, though, thank goodness.” She leaned forward and put her hand over Sophia’s. “Andrew told me what happened to bring it on, dear. Were you in an abusive relationship?”

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Wow.
She brought out the big guns pretty quickly. Sophia narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Are you a shrink?”

“I was a practicing psychologist for thirty-four years, Sophie. You can talk to me.”

Sophia leapt up so quickly, she knocked into the table and spilled her tea. She was going to have one hell of a bruise on her thigh. She didn’t care.

She rubbed her temple as she backed away from the table. “This is unbelievable. He called in a therapist.” Miranda stood, but she didn’t approach. “No, Sophie, he called his mother because he wanted to know if he should respect your wish to not take you to the hospital, or if he should call an ambulance.”

“And you want to psychoanalyze me.” Sophia shook her head again and picked up her bag and purse. “This is a bad idea.”

“You show all the indicators,” she said quietly. Her voice benefited from years of talking to crazy people. It was kind and nonjudgmental.

Sophia felt drawn to her, connected in a way she hadn’t connected with any of the shrinks she had seen in the past four years. Was it because she was sleeping with Miranda’s son? Because she had the same caring blue eyes that Drew used to turn her to jelly?

“I don’t want to discuss this with you.” Calm, firm statements played through her head.
I am angry. I am terrified. I hate myself. I want to die.

Some of those she had voiced in therapy, but most of them she kept to herself.

Her smile was serene, sympathetic. “I understand, Sophie. Just know I’m here if you need a confidential ear or a sympathetic shoulder.”

“Sophia? Where are you going?”

She closed her eyes as dread closed over her. She hadn’t heard Drew come in. The tenderness and concern in his voice nearly undid her. “Home,” she said at last. “It’s late, and I have to work tomorrow.” The frown was the first thing she saw when she turned to face him.

“You don’t work on Mondays.”

“I started my own business.” Her throat constricted to see the anxiety in his face. “I have to finish a proposal that’s due tomorrow afternoon.” He threw a plastic shopping bag on the counter. “Stay the night tonight.

Something tells me you won’t let me drive you home, and I don’t want you attempting such a long drive by yourself tonight.”
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“Or you can stay at my place.” Miranda placed a light hand on her arm.

“I have plenty of extra rooms.”

“I have extra rooms.” The look in Drew’s eyes made her ache deep inside.

Sophia closed her eyes. Daniel would come if she called. He would take her to his apartment. No questions would be asked, but a strong shoulder would be offered.

But she didn’t want to be away from Drew. She didn’t want to leave things this way. “I’ll stay.” She had to force the whisper.

Miranda gave Sophia’s stiff shoulder a reassuring squeeze and pressed a card in her hand. “You call if you need me, dear. I’m just a stone’s throw away.”

Sophia wanted to thank her, but she only managed a nod.

Drew walked his mother to the door. Sophia heard the low murmur of their argument. Never once was she tempted to eavesdrop. Whatever they had to say was most definitely about her. She already had enough on her plate. As it was, she needed to unload a few items.

She followed Drew up the stairs, unsure if he meant for her to sleep in a guest room or with him. He paused outside of his door with the same dilemma.

“Where do you want to sleep?” There was no pressure in his question. It was completely up to Sophia.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep with you.” Relief washed over his features, and he swept her into his arms. The gesture was affectionate. He held her against him tightly, pressing his face into her neck. Without thinking, she relaxed into his embrace and let his strength flow through her.

They got ready for bed, sharing the bathroom clearly meant for two with an ease that left her even more shaken. There was a time when she wouldn’t have given it a second thought. They somehow choreographed their bedtime rituals well. So what? Now things were different. Using only actions and reactions, Drew let her know she meant more to him than she wanted.

Her instinct was to body-slam him again and head for the hills. A bit of stubbornness deep inside wouldn’t let her off so easily. He spent the night at her house only four nights ago, and she had missed his presence in her bed every minute of every night since then.

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His bed was huge. They could have slept on separate sides and never once come into accidental contact. She settled onto a portion of her half, and he turned out the lights. The bed dipped gently as he climbed into the other half, and then the room was dark.

She waited a long, long time for him to fall asleep.

“Drew?” She whispered his name, not wanting to wake him. He didn’t say a word, so she felt free to continue. “I don’t understand you at all.” He said nothing. She felt safer and safer. Even if he wasn’t a solid sleeper, the events of the day had surely worn him out.

“I’ve tried very hard to sabotage this thing, to make you tired of being with me.”

Quiet, even breathing greeted her confession.

“You’re nothing at all like I thought you would be. The gossip shows and magazines show you with a different woman every time. You have a reputation for playing hard and fast. You flirt with a million people every week. You make a million women feel special because they think your smile is for them alone.”

Her voice was barely a whisper. She needed to say these things out loud, to him, without him being aware. Otherwise, it would eat her up after she finally did something horrible enough to end the relationship. Despite her objections, that’s exactly what this was developing into.

“But you mean it when you look at me, I know you do, and it scares the hell out of me. It scares me more to know I mean it when I look at you. You were supposed to be just another affair. I’m going to hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. Each time you choose not to walk away from me, it’ll just get worse. It’s the only thing I know how to do, the only way to stop you from making the worst mistake of your life. I was nasty to you tonight, and you responded with kindness. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. I wish you’d yelled, said vicious things, or hit me. God, I wish you had hit me.”

Tears ran down her cheeks, and she let them flow unchecked. It was dark and quiet. She wasn’t alone, but he couldn’t see her weakness. He was blessedly, blissfully asleep.

A stifled cry escaped when he pulled her to him, sliding her across the gulf as if she weighed nothing. His body curved around hers, and he held
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her tight, as if he expected her to fight him. She didn’t have the strength to mount any kind of defense.

“Is that what he did to you?” The words were muffled by her hair. “Did he hit you, Sophia?”

Her brain processed his questions as it tried to get over the shock of realizing he probably heard all of what she said to him. Safety was an illusion. Had he hit her? She tried to remember. Yes, a few times. “Just to calm you down.”

Next to her, Drew trembled. She’d never seen him come close to losing his temper, but she knew fury when she felt it shaking next to her. “Just to calm you down?”

Had she said that out loud?

He shifted, looming above her, a dark shadow in a dark room. His hands were on her shoulders, and he shook her. “He hit you to
calm you down?
” Sophia squirmed away, her breaths coming hard and fast. She wasn’t afraid that Drew might hit her. She was terrified that he’d make her talk about the rape. He reached for her, capturing her wrist in the dark. She pulled away, frantically trying to dislodge his grip.
“No!”
It was the magic word. She was free. Then a pool of light flooded his side of the bed, sending shadows to reveal the mess that was Sophia. She crouched on the edge of the bed with her back to him. Her knees were drawn into her chest, and she rocked back and forth, willing the remembrance and the pain away.

Drew stood in front of her. She looked up to see him, wearing the boxer shorts and Sensual Secrets T-shirt he put on before coming to bed. He was perfect, a feast for the eyes. Why couldn’t he be a shallow jerk like someone that gorgeous was supposed to be?

“Sophie, honey…” The combination of the plea in his voice and the way he sat so carefully next to her had Sophia on her feet faster than anything else could have.

“This was a bad idea. I have to go.” She paced in front of him. One glance repeated his objection. “I’ll call Daniel. He’ll come get me. He always comes.”

He studied her silently. Her stomach turned, and she ran for the bathroom. She had the presence of mind to close and lock the door.

Thankfully, nothing came up. The coolness of the marble tiles against her

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bare feet and the distance from Drew and any judgments he might be inclined to make combined to chase away the nausea.

Maybe showing him how unstable she was would finally get him to understand that he had no place in her life, and she had no place in his. It took a long time to find the courage to face Drew again.

When she opened the door at last, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting. He looked up as she exited. “Did you call Daniel?” Her brows knit in confusion, and her glance fell on her bag, which had her purse and cell inside. “Not yet.”

“It’s after one in the morning, Sophie. Do you really want to wake him up?”

Knowing Danny, he was awake and with a pretty woman. He would drop her like asbestos if Sophia called.

“I can drive you home, if that’s where you really want to be.” Understanding, patience, and something she didn’t want to face emanated from him. In her heart of hearts, Sophia wanted to be there with him, curled up in his arms with all the bad memories erased. She said the only thing she could think to say. “I’m not pregnant.”

“That’s neither here nor there,” he said gently, unwilling to argue. She envied his vast pool of inner calm. Even before the rape, her temper had been easy to set off. “It’s late, and you’re upset, and now it’s raining. I don’t want you driving in these conditions.”

She could leave. She could pick up her bag and go, and he wouldn’t stop her. He was asking, not insisting. “Drew, I…” He held up a hand. “Look, Sophie, I don’t know what exactly happened to you, but I know it was bad. You rebuilt your life, constructing every facet so that you have complete control of everything. I’m not judging you, honey. It’s how you’re surviving.”

She was surviving, not living, just existing. That was her. She didn’t know how to do anything else.

When he stood and came closer, she flinched, drawing her arms tightly across her body. He stopped an arm’s reach away. “I’ve fallen for you, Sophia. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how badly you try to sabotage this thing between us.”

Was that a challenge? Did he not think she could drive him away?

When the choice was him or her sanity, she chose her sanity.

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Besides, she wasn’t fixable. Sooner or later, he would tire of trying and realize just how broken she was.

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Daniel came to get her. Drew waited with her in the foyer. He had chairs there, perfect for just this kind of thing. She was probably the first woman to use them to flee his presence. Sometime during the long, silent wait, he had slipped on a pair of jeans. His hands alternated between being stuck in his pockets and running restlessly through his hair.

“I’m filming tomorrow,” he said at last. “If you call or text, it’s likely I won’t get it immediately.”

Sophia didn’t respond. It was unlikely she would call him tomorrow.

“If you call Ginny, she can reach me. She’s one of the producers, so she’ll be on set. She always has her phone.” Fingers went through that blond mane again. The thick mass stood on end, but he had successfully beaten down tracks.

Ginny was a producer? She hadn’t known. Now Drew’s crack about her owning half the show made sense.

The flash of headlights poured through the tall windows in the front, bathing them both with brightness. The smudges under Drew’s eyes showed with strain. Sophia didn’t want to think about what she looked like. Her golden Italian complexion made tanning easy, but the dark circles that appeared under her eyes at a moment’s notice were hereditary as well. She stood, but Drew beat her to her bag.

“Are you sure about this, Sophia?”

She nodded. “It’s best if I leave.”

He chewed that bottom lip again, resisting the urge to argue. It was useless. He wouldn’t make any headway. Dropping the bag, he scooped her into his arms. “I’m here, Sophie. I’m here for when you need me.”
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She needed him now. That’s why she had to go. Lifting her lips, she pressed a light kiss to his stubble-roughened jaw and backed away. The doorbell chimed, sending bells echoing through the house.

Drew greeted Daniel at the door. The two eyed one another unflinchingly, reminding Sophia of their first encounter.

Daniel looked away first, his gaze sliding to his sister. “You ready to go?”

She nodded once. Drew handed her bag to Daniel. She tried to ignore the pain in his eyes and the silent plea tensing his entire body. “He won’t let me drive.”

Daniel took the bag, one brow rising in surprise. “Has she been drinking?”

Drew shook his head. “She’s upset, she’s had a migraine, and the roads are wet.”

Throwing the bag to Sophia, Danny indicated his truck. “Give your keys to Alaina. She’ll drive your car to my place.” He watched her cross the brick-and-cement porch, waiting until she was out of earshot before he continued speaking to Drew.

Inside Danny’s truck was yet another beautiful woman. She was short, which was different, and had dark hair. Usually, he liked tall, leggy blondes with big breasts and tight dresses. This woman’s outfit was attractive, but tasteful. That was different, too. She eyed Sophia sympathetically.

Immediately, her hackles rose. What had Daniel told his one-night stand about her that he had no business sharing? And why did she look familiar?

“Hi,” she said, sliding to the ground from the high seat. “Dan is pretty worried about you.”

So he had told her about the messed-up little sister who can’t take care of herself. “I’m sorry if I interrupted your date.” She wasn’t sorry. Daniel wouldn’t remember this woman in a few days.

“It was over anyway,” Alaina said with an ironic laugh. “We were in the middle of a pretty big argument when you called. I agreed to drive your car back. Otherwise, I’d be at home, showering off the stench of a bad date.” She made Sophia smile. This wasn’t the first one of Daniel’s dates Sophia had met. It wasn’t the first date she’d interrupted. She had faced some pretty irate women in the past five years. Alaina was the first one who seemed relieved to find her night cut short.

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“Danny’s dates don’t usually thank me for this,” she said. “Or complain about going out with him. He usually treats women very well.” Alaina shrugged. “We’re just not compatible.”

“You’re not his usual cup of tea,” Sophia agreed.

She didn’t seem upset by the comment. A smile brightened her face.

“No, I’m not. I imagine he prefers blondes, the taller and sluttier the better.” Sophia laughed. “You aren’t in the usual mold, that’s for sure. Women who flock to Daniel are usually too enamored of his looks to give him a hard time about anything.”

The clomp of boots announced Daniel. He eyed the two women suspiciously. “What’s so funny?”

Taking Sophia’s keys and her own purse, Alaina raked her eyes over Daniel in a way that left no doubt she found him lacking. “We were just discussing how you can’t handle a real woman.” Sophia winced. Daniel’s preference for shallow, plastic women wasn’t her business. Except for Drew, her lovers were all submissives. Drew was supposed to be shallow and plastic, but he wasn’t.

A subtle tightening of his jaw was the only indication her barb struck a nerve. His temper was every bit as volatile as Sophia’s used to be. Before he could say something mean, she reached for his hand. “Danny? I’m tired.

Can you take me home now?”

With a curt nod, he growled something at Alaina. It might have been an order to follow him, but Sophia wasn’t sure. He stomped around to the driver’s side.

She faced Alaina. “Thank you for doing this. He’s not usually such a jerk.”

Alaina sighed. “You don’t remember me, do you?” Taking a closer look, Sophia searched her memory for a match and came up empty. “I’m sorry.”

She set a gentle, sympathetic hand on Sophia’s shoulder. “That’s okay.

You have a lot to deal with right now.” Before Sophia could say anything, Alaina was in her car, starting the engine. Involuntarily, she glanced back to Drew’s front door. He stood there, a lonely figure framed by the light spilling in from the porch. Her heart lurched and her arms ached with wanting to be around him. Turning, she climbed into Daniel’s truck and buried her face in her hands.

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He didn’t speak to her. She recognized the anger rolling from him in waves as something that had nothing to do with her. The drive to his place was only twenty minutes. She hadn’t realized he lived so close to Drew.

Sophia thanked Alaina again. The petite woman climbed into her car and left without uttering a single word to Danny.

Baffled, Sophia followed him up the stairs to his loft apartment. “What happened? You’re usually so suave with the ladies.”

“I see you two bonded over your mutual dislike of men. I’m not surprised.”

Her brows shot into the air. He hadn’t used that caustic tone with her since before…

“Danny? Are you okay?”

He ran a hand through his hair. Like hers, it was thick and dark brown.

His curled to just below his ears, falling in a messy look that most women couldn’t seem to resist. “Yes. No. I’ll be fine.” Tentatively, Sophia put out a feeler. “She’s a feisty one. I like her.”

“She’s feisty, all right,” he mumbled. “How about you tell me what happened with Drew? I thought you liked him.” Kicking off her shoes, Sophia flopped down on his bed. The sofa was already converted in anticipation of the night ending well. “I do.” He flopped down next to her. “He’s crazy about you, Sophie. I don’t see the problem.”

“That is the problem.” Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “The last guy I felt strongly about was Charlie.” She hadn’t said his name out loud in almost five years. Next to her, Daniel flinched.

“He’s nothing like that son of a bitch.”

“No, he isn’t.”

“Then what?” It wasn’t like Daniel to press her, to force an issue. Why the about-face tonight, when she just needed to get away from it all?

“I can’t be in that position again, Danny.” His hand closed over hers. “I hate seeing you like this. I hate what that bastard did to you, Sophie, but you can’t let it destroy what you have with Drew. He loves you.”

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Walls closed in, which was pretty significant in the wide-open space of Daniel’s loft. She couldn’t breathe. She knew exactly how Drew felt about her, but even he hadn’t framed it like that. “I have to end it.” The tears started, but she didn’t know if they were more from the idea that Drew was in love with her or the thought of not having him in her life.

Daniel’s arms closed around her. He held her as she sobbed and somehow babbled the disjointed details of everything that had happened with Drew.

She probably told him more than a brother wanted to know about his sister and her boyfriend, but she wasn’t in control.

Drew stripped that away from her, bit by bit, from the moment he first stepped through her front door. Now she had to find a way to regain it.

The sun was high in the sky by the time she stirred. Daniel hadn’t moved to the other sofa. It wasn’t that either of them had a problem sleeping in the same bed—they’d shared a mattress more often than not until he hit puberty—but Danny was a bed hog. None too gently, she shoved his arm off her face and his knee away from where it pressed into her kidney. He muttered something and turned onto his stomach.

She crept over to his coffeemaker and set the magic potion to brewing before hopping in the shower. Daniel kept a drawer for her clothes since she often stayed the night after her Wednesday class, so she had fresh clothing to wear.

Her brother was a sound sleeper. She didn’t bother to be quiet because she knew almost nothing was going to wake him. Tackling the pile of dirty clothes in the large pantry he used as a laundry room, she started a load for him. He was pretty good about keeping his place clean, so she knew the clothes wouldn’t sit there for two days, waiting for her to return.

She helped herself to some cereal and left. It wasn’t until she was halfway home that she realized she hadn’t poured herself a cup of coffee.

Worries threatened her for the rest of the ride home. Something about seeing her house helped push the thoughts of
what if
and
how the hell could
I be a good mother when I was so messed up
far away.

She finished the proposal for Christopher’s firm by three. Ginny called as she was collating the printed pages into a booklet. It was at this point she missed Grace. She might have been Jeremy’s secretary, but she had done things like copying and collating for the entire office.

“Sophia? How are you doing, girl?”

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Her upbeat tone beat back the suspicion that Drew had put her up to calling. While they had hung out together quite a bit, Sophia and Ginny weren’t good friends. They were friends through Sabrina. Every time she saw Ginny, it was because Sabrina had invited them both someplace at the same time.

“I’m fine,” she lied. “What’s up?”

“Well, I’m calling for three reasons. The first is that I’m planning a surprise bachelorette party for Sabrina. Technically, she’s an old married lady, but we’ll overlook that for now.” She emitted the requisite chuckle. Personally, Sophia didn’t think Sabrina wanted a bachelorette party, especially not the kind Ginny would plan. Sabrina was more of a sedate-get-together kind of girl, while Ginny was more of a drinks-and-strippers kind of party girl.

“The wedding is three weeks from this Saturday. I want to do it the weekend before. Sabrina has some weekend getaway planned for all of us in the Bahamas. I want to do it the night before we leave.” Grabbing the BlackBerry into which their schedules were loaded, Sophia punched up that weekend. She hadn’t realized Sabrina planned to take them all to the Bahamas. This didn’t bode well. If she didn’t get the account with Christopher’s company, then her job at Ellen’s was her only income.

While it paid well, Sophia didn’t work enough hours to take the time off. She toyed with the idea of picking up Sunday and Monday nights. That would give her Tuesday for dancing lessons and Wednesday for the self-defense classes. She sighed. This was the worst time to have quit her accounting job.

“I can’t do it, Ginny. I have to work.” Before she could say anything, Sophia continued. “I’m already losing my Tuesdays, and I’ll lose Saturday that weekend to the trip.”

“I thought Jonas was working Mondays for you.” Her tone was tentative. Sophia could envision her on the other end, the flurry of activity around her forgotten as she focused her undivided attention on the phone call.

That was another mistake. She could have used the money. “I told him not to worry about it.” Ginny was still silent. “Look, I’ll help organize it and set it up. I just can’t be there for the actual party.”

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“I’ve got it under control.” She started doing whatever she had been doing again. Sophia heard voices raised in frustrated anger. “Try to swing it, Sophia. Sabrina really likes you. She doesn’t feel warmly toward very many people, so that makes you special.”

“I’ll talk to Ellen.” It was the best she could do.

“Great. Second thing. Ellen tells me you do her books.”

“I help out. She does most of it herself.”

“Sabrina told me you started your own firm, and Ellen, she says you freelance. I’m not sure what that means in the financial world, but I’m hoping it means you’d be willing to help me out.” Now she had Sophia’s interest. Sophia listened while Ginny prattled on about merchandizing and how Drew’s show killed them with the taxes last year. Finally, she interrupted. “It sounds like you lack a financial plan.” Ginny laughed. “I just want to make cakes and assorted pastries. Drew and I used to tackle this together, but with the show and all the appearances…” Her sigh was tired. “He’s leaving tomorrow night for Los Angeles, and he won’t be back until Sunday or Monday, depending on the number of engagements his agent confirms. But I’m sure he told you all about that.”