HAPPY PANTS CAFE (THE HAPPY PANTS SERIES) (24 page)

She smoothed her hands down her apron. “Well, you can read, dear boy. What do you think it is?”

“So you, your family, and your little Happy Pants cohorts have been trying to play Harper and me against each other?”

She sighed. “Not initially, Austin. But yes.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I’m very sorry. This was the only way to break this cycle you two are in. But the issue is really more on Harper’s side, which is why her sister nominated Harper to receive our help in the first place.”

“Help?”

“Every year, I take on one individual and help them find their special someone. In Harper’s case, I’d had several men lined up to meet her, but then she found you—completely unexpected. However, after having coffee with you the other morning, I became convinced you might be the one, and my focus immediately shifted toward changing her views about love. Not an easy task because I recognized that she needed to find her own way. And, in my experience, stubborn people are always much more likely to change their views when they are put in a position where they must fight for something. But that silly girl was only interested in fighting for her job.”

“You did this? You got her fired?”

“Yes. But it was only temporary. Dan
intended to hire her back just as soon as she realized that her job isn’t who she is, nor is it the end-all, be-all to happiness. I thought if I could do that, then she’d see there are more important things in this world: family, friendship, and love. That’s why I brought her here. I thought we might rub off.” Luci looked down at her hands. “But I-I just don’t know what that girl needs. I failed.”

He simply couldn’t believe that Luci had done all this just to try to fix Harper and bring them together. It was devious. It was crazy and manipulative. It was kind.

“Why do you say you failed?”

“I’ve had security keeping tabs on her since she arrived; they just reported that she left.”

Austin felt the earth soften beneath his feet.
She left. She really left.

“I don’t know what she needs, either.” He really wished he knew, because then maybe he could get through to her. “But you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.”

He turned to leave.

“Where are you going, dear?” Luci asked.

“To drink tequila.”

The next morning Austin woke up feeling the cold cement on his bare back. His head hurt like a complete sonofabitch. He noted the early morning crisp blue sky above and a taste reminiscent of boiled shoes in his mouth. Not that he’d ever eaten boiled shoes, but he imagined that was what they’d taste like.

He moved his head from side to side, realizing that he was lying on the patio just outside the Happy Pants Café. He also realized that he wore no shirt or shoes either.

What the hell?

His brain throbbed, and he felt like he definitely needed to hurl. How did he get here? He remembered being at the party last night and then fighting with Harper.

Chickens. Why am I remembering chickens?

He recalled telling Harper how he wanted her and that he’d be waiting at the altar, only to be told she left.

And I remember doing a hell of a lot of shots after Harper left.

What had he been thinking?

Apparently, he had not.

He gripped the back of a chair to steady
himself and noticed something tight and shiny around his ring finger.

Fuck! A ring? What happened last night?

Was this some sort of joke?

He desperately tried to sort through the images in his brain. He vaguely recalled dancing with Jodiann to some crazy mariachi music, and then there were smidgeons of memories of standing in the crowd while couples recited their vows in front of a reverend. People had whistled and cheered and thrown confetti while toasting with the never-ending flow of champagne.

So that’s what was wrong with him. He’d done tequila shots and then drank champagne.

But why couldn’t he remember anything after the first few rounds of couples? And how did he get a ring on his finger?

He reached into his jeans pocket, partially relieved, partially mortified to find his car keys there. God, he better not have driven. His wallet was in his pocket, too. But not his cell phone.

Slowly, with his nausea and headache threatening to bring him to his knees, he headed down the walkway.

Oh, shit.
His car was parked on the corner, close to the spot where he’d parked it before. Had he really driven drunk? He’d never done something so stupid before. He could only pray that he hadn’t killed someone!

I’m such an asshole.

He got in his car and headed for the farm. Twenty minutes later, he arrived to find most of the cars gone, trash everywhere—mostly confetti and streamers—and a crew of people cleaning up what looked to have been one wild night.

He parked to the side of the gravel driveway and made his way inside. “Hello?”

No one replied, but he heard clanking in the kitchen.

“Hello?” He entered the nightmare of a room to find Luci in her bathrobe.

“Austin, I didn’t expect to see you conscious for several days.”

“What happened last night?”

She smiled. “You, my dear boy, got what they refer to as hammered. What were you thinking, trying to outdrink a mariachi? This is impossible. Non-mariachi do not have the stamina and training.”

Austin looked at her and tried not to vomit. The smell of leftover food and coffee made the nausea worse. “Please, I just want to know what happened.” He held up his ring finger.

“Oh. That.” She shook her head. “You truly do not recall?”

“No.”

“You were not…yourself last night,” she said.

Fuck.
“What did I do? You have to tell me.”
Ow. My head.

She slipped something from her apron pocket and held it out. It was his phone. “Why don’t you take a seat on the porch and watch the video you took. I’ll bring you something for that hangover.”

Confused, he took the phone and stepped out onto the back porch. The early morning air felt cool and soothing on his hot face. He took a seat on the first step and unlocked his phone. The video was shaky, but he recognized his voice. He was standing in front of a crowd of people who were cheering and laughing wildly. “That’s right! I’m a horse’s ass! I got stood up because I fell in love with the wrong girl!”

Austin winced as he listened to a drunken, slurring version of himself record the crowd as he screamed, “But I’m not leaving this party without a bride. So here she is! You see this, Harper!” The camera zoomed in on his drunken face. “This is your replacement! At least she’s not afraid of love!” The camera flashed to Miss Happy Pants, the white mare. It wore a tiny little veil on top of its head. “To true love!” The crowd went wild.

Oh, fuck.
“Please tell me I did not marry a horse last night.”

“Here is something for your headache and some water.” Ms. Luci handed him a glass and two tiny white pills. She sat down next to him and smiled.

He shoved his phone in his pocket, took the pills, and drank the water. “Please tell me my parents never showed up.”

“I’m afraid they saw the whole thing.”

Aw shit.
How did the horse manage to get a ring on his finger?

“Did you watch the rest?” Luci asked. “There is some nice dancing toward the end.”

“No. I think I’ve seen enough. I’m guessing the chicken scene is next.”

“Oh, no. The chickens were right before this. We had to pry you out of the coop with a crowbar. You were sobbing like a little boy.”

Fantastic.

“Please don’t tell me I kissed your horse.”

“No. But you did ride Miss Happy Pants around for a few laps. It was quite entertaining. I had the boys pull you down, though, before you broke your neck.” She gave him a loving pat on the back. “Well, I’ve got a lot of work to do. But feel free to stay as long as you like.”

He rose slowly from the porch and made his way back to his car. He put the top up and got in. The only thing there was to do now was head home and
lick his wounds. He’d lost Harper. He’d probably lost his new job, which he hadn’t even wanted and had only accepted in order to help Harper. He’d broken the law and driven drunk, and his parents had seen him defile the sanctity of matrimony in front of a rather prestigious and influential crowd.
Oh. And you married Miss Happy Pants.

Well, I guess you were right, Harper. True love is a hoax. At least for me.

~~

An hour later, Austin was home. He parked in his garage and quickly made it into his condo—a split-level with a study and two bedrooms in the Marina District. He showered, brushed the ick from his mouth, threw on his favorite boxers, downed some Gatorade, drew the curtains, turned the TV on to ESPN to drown out any street noise, and crawled into bed, fully intending to stay there for the next seven days. The moment his eyes closed, he heard a furious pounding on his front door.

His eyes flew open.
Fucking hell.
It had to be Libby. Well, this time, he was going to tell her to go to hell and stay there. He’d had it. The restraining order was in place, and he intended to use it.

He marched downstairs and yanked open the front door. Standing there, completely furious, was Harper, still in her white dress from the day before, her short hair a total mess.

“What the
fuck,
Austin?” She stormed in past him, and he closed the door. “You better have a good fucking explanation or, so help me God, I will castrate you.”

He held out his hands. “Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Explanation for what?”

Her big green eyes sizzled with fury. “I woke up and you were gone. Is this some sort of joke?”

“Umm…I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

She poked her finger in his face. “I knew it! I knew this was a mistake. I should never have come back to the party.”

She marched toward the door, but he quickly move to stop her.

“Wait. You came back?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah. Hello. We got married last night. Don’t you remember?”

~~

Harper couldn’t believe it. She’d taken the leap for the first time in her life and the guy was too drunk to remember. Of course, she’d known he was completely gone when she’d seen him standing there proclaiming his undying love for her, screaming that he would rather marry a horse than any other woman. She had to admit, even though he was inebriated, it was quite the gesture and pretty damned cute.

That said, she’d put a stop to the spectacle almost immediately, but when Austin had got down on his knees and the crowd cheered, well, she’d sort of got caught up in the moment. Before she knew it, they were saying, “I do,” rings magically appearing out of thin air as if this was all preplanned. Austin had given her a big, sloppy, wet and scruffy kiss and then had turned toward the crowd and said. “Yeah! I won! She loves me!” He’d then proceeded to pass out with the biggest shit-eating grin ever.

Alberto and a few of the security guards had helped load Austin into his car—the passenger side, of course. It was parked just to the right of the house, while her car had been parked in that dirt parking lot about a half a mile away.

“What took you so long?” Austin had mumbled to her as she’d driven them to the B and B to spend their first night as a married couple. In the honeymoon suite, ironically.

“Well, I got about halfway home and then decided to turn around.” She’d realized he was right. She had to want this, and she had to have faith. Whether or not it lasted forever was the sort of thing one could only determine by actually doing it. Because only time would tell if she was wrong; however, more than anything, she hoped she was right. And, at the end of the day, not knowing what could have been was far worse than trying and failing. But they wouldn’t. Fail, that is. Because he was the one. She’d felt that in her bones as she had driven further and further away. Then she’d realized that she’d never even tried with anyone else, because she’d never felt the same sort of connection as she had with him. She’d spent the last nineteen years comparing every guy to him. And
that
was why she’d gone back for him.

Sadly, though, she’d gotten stuck in that damned traffic again, and by the time she returned to the party, Austin was a goddamned mess. But she didn’t care. He’d been sober—for the most part—when he said he wanted to marry her. And now, they’d have a long, long time to figure out all of the other crap. What mattered was that they were together.

Except that, when she’d woken up all alone this morning, his car had gone from where she’d parked it. She’d had a complete meltdown, thinking that he’d woken up, realized what he’d done, and run away.

“I saw the video, Harper,” he argued, looking down at her as he leaned against his front door, preventing her from leaving. “I married…” he swallowed, “a horse.”

She laughed. “No. You didn’t. See?” She held up her ring finger. “You married me.”