Harlequin Historical May 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: Notorious in the West\Yield to the Highlander\Return of the Viking Warrior (56 page)

He'd never understand women. And he knew he couldn't stay if she didn't want him. But he refused to tell her that.

‘I will take it under consideration.' He tilted his head to one side, trying to assess her mood. ‘I can remember being very glad that first night on the ship that you had made it easy for me. There was no need to feel guilty.'

‘And would you have done?' she whispered. ‘Would you have stayed if I had revealed my fears about being here alone without a friendly face?'

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, fighting against the urge to take her in his arms and kiss the doubts away. With hindsight, he could see that he'd worried about her being left with his father to cope. Not that he should have as she'd obviously coped admirably. She didn't need him. The realisation hurt. He wanted to be needed.

‘No way to answer that,' he said slowly, trying to explain without giving her more cause to hate him. He simply had not even seen the possibility of failure until too late. ‘I do regret not having been here for so many things, Kara, but that is in the past. From here on, I plan to do right by you and our son. I want our son to grow up to be a credit to the both of us, rather than just to you. He will be trained properly, Kara.'

‘I will try to remember that,' she said, picking up another skein of wool and not meeting his eyes.

‘Do.' He moved closer to her, took the skein from her nerveless fingers and laid it down on the table. ‘Stop using tasks to avoid talking to me. Tell me what worries you and how I can ease those worries. I want to do my duty.'

‘I'm...' Kara's heart thumped so loudly, she thought Ash must hear it. Every nerve screamed. She wanted his words to be true with every fibre of her being. She wanted to believe him. For Ash, words always came easily. She needed more than simple lip service. She pressed her hands to her eyes and regained control of her body.

‘You're what?' His voice held a husky rasp.

‘I want you to have time to get accustomed to the changes before we discuss Rurik's training,' Kara mumbled, pressing her hands against the table to steady her body.

If he took her in his arms, she knew she'd melt and give in to his kiss. Too much remained unsettled between them. It was how they used to solve arguments—Ash kissing her, using her attraction to him against her. Sometimes she had even provoked arguments simply for the aftermath. A mad and dangerous thing to do. Her mother had done that with her father and she'd seen the consequences.

‘How long were you gone this time?' he asked, not moving towards her.

‘A week.' Kara looped a strand of hair about her ear, feeling on more solid ground. Her heart would survive if she kept her focus on practical things. ‘You would be amazed how much can change in a week. And how much can remain undone if the servants think you are not concerned. This estate nearly fell apart when Hring took to his bed.'

‘More changes in seven years. I had no right to expect the estate to be in any shape. It is a pleasant surprise.'

‘I hope you like the changes, in particular the new outbuildings for the animals.'

‘I knew that must have been your doing. You always wanted to make sure the animals were well looked after. My father was only interested in the glory and prestige that an estate could bring.'

She forced a seemingly unconcerned shrug, but her heart sang. He approved of the outbuildings. ‘When your father was alive, I used to seek his permission, but towards the end, it became easier to make decisions myself and, of course, for the last few months there has been no one to ask.'

His eyes narrowed. ‘Not even Valdar?'

‘Valdar never lived here. I was the one who had to take responsibility. But he approved of the new stabling for the horses. I looked after his prized mare earlier this year when she was in foal.'

‘What Valdar thinks has no bearing on this estate or in this marriage.' Ash's fists banged together. ‘It was long past time to get new stables. Our son confided in me about the stables and how he hopes for a horse when he is bigger. He also wants a dog of his own, one to sleep on his bed. I gather the two elkhounds sleep at the foot of your bed. He is definitely his mother's son with his love of animals.'

She picked at the wool, untwisting a bit and retwisting it. ‘When he is old enough, he may have a dog, but I won't have any animal neglected. He is six and he forgets things.'

‘Maybe at Jul or possibly in the spring. He'll be ready for full responsibility of an animal then.'

A glow filled her. He liked what she had done and he liked Rurik. He even made it sound like he would be staying. And he'd agreed without hesitation to her suggestion that they wait for Rurik to grow a bit before expecting him to look after a dog. ‘We will discuss it then and see if he is ready. I won't have an animal suffer simply to prove a point.'

‘He will be ready.' He gave a half-smile. ‘You should have seen the way his eyes shone.'

‘Rurik likes to talk. Your father used to say that he was related to a mockingbird. I hope he didn't bore you.'

‘Rurik could never bother me. A real credit to you, but you protect him too much.'

‘I do not!' She narrowed her eyes. ‘How would you know? You only met him today. You missed six years of his life.'

He flinched and she knew her barb had hit its mark.

‘You were always like that about any animal you care about.' He gathered her hands between his. ‘There is something I want from you. Let me train Rurik. Let me show you that I can get it right when my father got it so badly wrong.'

Her heart thumped in her ears. He liked Rurik. She ought to confess about Rurik's birth before it was too late. The words refused to come. ‘I did tell him, Ash. I acknowledged you as his father. What you did was magnificent. You are a real hero in Rurik's eyes. I suspect we shall have to listen to the tale of his rescue many times over. But we need to wait.'

‘You are always asking me to wait, Kara.'

With every breath she took, the room seemed to be getting smaller and she was more and more aware of him. This was far from ideal. She wanted to make a pragmatic and logical choice, not one based on desire and a few kisses.

She sighed. ‘I refuse to have pointless arguments with you about the past like we just had. This is precisely why I asked for time to make up my mind. The past looms too great between us, Ash. We should recognise that and move on.'

‘What if I am not ready to move on?' He reached out and grabbed her shoulders.

His mouth loomed large over her. Her heart thumped unsteadily.

His lips descended for a kiss which invaded her senses. It called to something deep within her soul. She wanted to melt against him. She wanted to deepen the kiss and return it with vigour.

A warning bell resounded in the back of her mind. Giving into the kiss would be the worst thing in the world for her. It would signal that she was prepared to return to the old ways and she wasn't. Logic had to prevail, not desire.

He rubbed the back of his thumb across her hyper-sensitive mouth. ‘Give me a second chance, sweet Kara. Let me prove myself to you with Rurik. You will see. We are good together. We can be a family.'

With the last ounce of self-control, she broke free and wiped her hand across her mouth. ‘You think you can kiss me into doing what you want? Into forgetting what went before? Into agreeing that you should do precisely what you want? You do me a grave disservice. You promised you wouldn't force me.'

‘Force? There were two of us in that kiss, Kara. You wanted it.'

She clenched her fist, hating that her mouth ached for more. ‘It hasn't worked.'

He regarded her from under hooded eyes. ‘It worked in the past. Once. Stopping your mouth so you wouldn't talk me out of going.'

‘Things changed, Ash. I refuse to be manipulated in this fashion. The kiss did nothing for me except make me more determine to resist.'

She crossed her arms over her aching breasts and prayed he wouldn't hear the lie in her voice.

He gave her a speculative glance. ‘It was either kiss you or shake you to make you see sense as you refuse to listen. I chose the more pleasurable option. A pity you didn't see it in that fashion.'

He spun on his foot and left the room.

Kara slammed her fist down hard on the table, making the skeins jump. Three fell on the floor. She knelt down and picked them up. Both the elkhounds Dain and Durin came into the room and nosed her face, wagging their tails furiously. Kara dug her fingers into their soft fur.

A well of misery opened up within her. Ash hadn't even been back a day. Already he questioned her judgement over Rurik. He was the one who had frightened Rurik, behaving worse than Hring in a bad temper.

She hated that she might have to fight the battles all over again. And then, just when she'd begun to count on him, he'd leave, thinking she was a good custodian. She thought he might have sought her out because he wanted to kiss her, but, no, it was to order her about.

Kara pressed her hand to her forehead. Less than a day and she was already questioning her schemes to keep Rurik safe. It had to stop. She had to get back to her old certainties and the place to start was with Rurik.

Chapter Ten

‘M
or! You came to say goodnight and you brought the dogs.' Rurik sat up in his bed. His blond hair fell in wisps across his face. Kara's heart lurched. Seeing him earlier with Ash showed her how much the pair looked alike. Her blood ran cold at what could have happened if Ash hadn't acted decisively.

‘Don't I always when I am home?' she said, struggling not to scoop him up and hug him to her chest. These days, Rurik seemed to resent any physical contact, struggling to get away from her hugs or submitting with bad grace.

He held out his hand to the dogs. They immediately came over and he fed them a treat, oblivious to her inner turmoil. ‘Watch! I've been training them while you were gone.'

‘Very good.'

Rurik was obviously so proud of the way both dogs sat for him and waited for the possibility of another treat. ‘Then I can have my own dog? To sleep at the end of my bed?'

‘We will see,' Kara replied carefully. Ash was right. Rurik did need the responsibility of owning a dog and training one. In the new year, rather than at Jul-tide as Ash suggested. In the new year, he'd be that much older and ready to look after a dog. ‘Both Dain and Durin love saying goodnight to you. How could I deprive them of their treat?'

Rurik flushed. ‘Gudrun said you might not because I had been so naughty. I didn't mean to be naughty. I just wanted to...be the first one to see my new father. I knew he would come today, despite what Virvir said. And I'm not a baby!'

‘Who called you a baby?' Kara grew indignant on her son's behalf. ‘Your father in the graveyard?'

‘It...it doesn't matter.'

‘I want to know!'

‘It was Virvir in the kitchen when he saw my tears. Gudrun agreed with him.'

Gudrun! Kara pressed her lips together and concentrated on arranging the blankets and sheets so they were tucked about Rurik's shoulders. She would have words with the woman again. She was not about to have her son belittled like Hring had done with Ash. She thought she had stopped it years ago.

‘I know what you wanted to do and climbing is expressly forbidden. I wouldn't want anything to happen to my boy. And you didn't ruin anything. I just want to keep you safe.'

‘You are not angry with me. Far said you wouldn't be, but then he started shouting and I became frightened. I acted like a baby.'

‘Gudrun was wrong.' She smoothed Rurik's fair hair from his forehead. ‘His leg pained him because he saved you.'

Rurik wrinkled his nose. ‘I thought he might be scared. It can't be easy to see your own grave. Do warriors get scared?'

Kara bit her lip. Out of the mouth of her child. She might love this house, but it could not have been easy for him coming back, wondering what his father would have thought. ‘You know, I think you are right. He was scared. Everyone gets scared.'

Rurik's eyes widened. ‘I thought so. But his leg hurts him, too. I could see that. He didn't want me to know, but his lips were white with pain.'

‘You notice little details, Rurik. That is really good. It will help you when you become a warrior. Your father told me that one.'

‘Will my father be proud of me?'

Kara pulled up the blanket so it was tight about her son. ‘You are his son. All fathers are proud of their sons.'

Rurik gave a large yawn. ‘Far-far wasn't. He told me once.'

‘Your grandfather sometimes said things he didn't mean.' Kara wished she could have shaken Hring. ‘He had the saga written about your father. You know the one which said he was a great hero.'

‘Oh, I forgot.'

A tiny pain developed in her eyes. She had been hiding important things from Ash. If he understood why she worried about Rurik, maybe then he'd see why Rurik's training had to wait. And why Rurik needed to be trained differently from how he was.

Kara screwed up her eyes. She had to tell Ash the truth about Rurik's birth. Tonight before she lost her nerve. She had to stop being afraid about what Ash might think about the way she had saved Rurik's life. Having met Rurik, Ash would understand why she had acted the way she did. The time had come to explain about their son and why he needed to be kept safe. And she'd bring him some salve for his leg as a peace offering.

‘Mor, is everything all right? You look upset.' Rurik put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Far is going to stay. He won't be ashamed of me and go? Because of what I did? How I cried when he shouted? Gudrun said he might unless I was super-good and brave.'

‘Gudrun should never have said that.' Kara struggled to contain her anger at Gudrun. Maybe it was time the elderly woman retired. ‘She is completely wrong. Your father is very proud of you and the way you handled yourself on the roof. You did what he asked and did not panic. You kept hold until you were rescued. Not many boys your age would have done that.'

Kara knew the words were true. Ash was proud of Rurik. Whatever happened between them, he would not be leaving because of his son.

‘But will he stay? For ever? Or will he go again to seek out fresh lands? Sometimes warriors take their families with them. Valdar said that he might, if he were my father. Will my real father? Will he teach me?'

‘I hope he will stay.' Kara kissed Rurik and moved the wooden horse he always slept with to the side of his pillow. Going with Ash? The thought was tempting, but how could she leave this even if he asked? ‘Sleep. I have to see your father about something.'

‘About my getting a dog?' Rurik snuggled down. ‘He already promised. I am going to get a dog of my very own to train as soon as he can arrange it. He knows how to make you do things.'

‘Did he say that indeed?'

‘Before I was a silly baby and got frightened. Warriors never mind a bit of shouting.'

Kara forced the ire back down her throat. Ash should have consulted her before making promises to her son. Or demanding that he behave in a specific fashion. ‘You are willing to try again?'

‘Mor, he is my father. I want him to be proud of me.'

* * *

Kara discovered Ash in her father-in-law's old chamber, her chamber. They had agreed—this was to be her space. Renewed indignation flooded through her. He seemed to be awfully free with his promises and presumptions. He hadn't truly changed. He just said whatever was easiest and bound to get him the result he wanted.

Now he was engaged in playing a game of tafl with one of his men in the room he'd declared was for her private use. She prayed that Skaldi and the other goddesses would give her strength. She had to be logical and cool, rather than provoke another fight. Her few fights with Ash used to end with them in bed and now the bed piled high with furs loomed far too near.

A tiny voice deep within her asked if she wanted to be kissed, properly...

Kara tore her gaze away from it. When she slept tonight, she would sleep alone.

She cleared her throat and held the small bowl of salve in front of her. ‘Pardon me for interrupting.'

Ash made a swift gesture to the other man. The man jumped up, made his excuses and left.

‘You aren't interrupting. Your chamber, not mine,' Ash said, leaning back with his hands laced behind his head. The torchlight showed the faint golden stubble on his chin. ‘I thought you would return here eventually and I wanted to be prepared. It does neither of us any good to be angry with each other. We need to work together. Rurik belongs to the both of us, whatever happens.'

Kara struggled to keep her temper. Working together for Ash had always meant her following his lead and doing what he wanted. No longer. ‘Indeed.'

‘I've no real love of this room, even with the change of tapestries. Far too many memories of waiting alone for my father to appear and punish me for some misdemeanour whether real or imagined. Njal the Squint wanted to go over the training rota for the next few days and stayed to play a game of tafl at my request.' Ash screwed up his face ‘We've unfinished business, you and I. I want it completed tonight.'

‘Unfinished business!' Kara took a steadying breath and concentrated on the tafl board. She needed to keep her focus, rather than be distracted about Ash's childhood memories, particularly after Rurik's earlier insight. ‘What unfinished business?'

‘We had not reached an agreement about what needs to be done about Rurik and his supervision. My son will be properly supervised. I insist on that. Things need to change. I have trained men, Kara. It was one of my duties in Viken for the last two years.'

‘He has survived for six years with me.'

‘He isn't being properly supervised.' Ash banged his fist on the table, making the pieces jump. ‘Today's events made that perfectly clear. Gudrun is far too old and mean. She seeks to curry favour with whoever is the most powerful. She used to lock me in a cellar. But it is more than that. Rurik needs to learn the skills to survive as a warrior. He has a position in the world.'

‘Are you saying that I am a bad mother? Over-protective? Making him weak?' Kara prepared for battle, tightening her grip on the little bowl of salve she carried. All her good intentions about involving Ash in Rurik's upbringing were forgotten as she remembered the words she had had with Hring over the past three winters. She refused to cede control simply because Ash happened to return. She had coped perfectly well. Today was an aberration, rather than the normal state of affairs. Surely he had to realise that. ‘How dare you make a judgement of that sort based on the little time you have spent with your son! What happened today was a dreadful accident. It could have been much worse, but thankfully Rurik is fine. I am a good mother!'

‘If you are a good mother, then you will want the proper supervision of our son.' Ash's smile turned triumphant. ‘You will want him trained properly so that he is not a danger to himself and others.' He stood up. ‘It must happen, Kara, he can't stay tied to your apron strings. He is growing up. Do you want a son who is not respected and can't hang on to this estate when you are gone? It is about what is best for Rurik, rather than what is best for your nerves.'

Kara struggled to control her temper. Less than a day home and Ash had already decided she was over-protective. She wanted to throw the bowl of salve at his head.

‘That goes without saying. And I have done everything in my power to make sure that Rurik is kept safe while you have been off travelling the world. It was one of the reasons I had been about to marry Valdar, to provide Rurik with a good father who would train him properly.'

‘You're not marrying Valdar. He is the wrong sort of man for you.'

‘If you are going to be like that, leave.' Kara pointed to the door. ‘This is my room, not yours. Remember that in the future. I refuse to discuss my relationship with Valdar. Ever.'

His eyes flashed dangerously and his hands clenched. Kara waited. A fluttering started in her stomach. A large part of her wanted him to kiss her again. Then, with a deliberate effort, he slowly unclenched his fists.

‘You misunderstand me because you want a fight. Because you remain angry with me for not returning sooner. I was an irresponsible fool when we married with no real appreciation of the important things. And I have grown up and I have returned, hopefully a wiser man. I do take my responsibilities seriously and know that good things are earned, not given by right. But I also know I am damaged. I can never be the man I once tried to be,' he said in a quieter tone.

‘Damaged?'

‘I saw things no man should see.' His face became clouded. ‘It is not easy to see your friends die and hear their screams long after the sea has swallowed them.' He put up his hand. ‘I've no wish to burden you or have you feel pity for me. But I find the screams louder when I attempt to sleep in a bed.'

‘I want to know. I have a right to know.'

He was silent for a long time. ‘I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm not sure if I ever will be. Please don't make it a condition.'

Kara gazed up at the knots in the ceiling beam. She had always envisioned sharing everything, but she had seen Ash's tortured face earlier. She had to give him time. ‘When you are ready to talk, I am ready to listen, but until then you are on trial. You can train Rurik, but only if you clear everything with me in advance.'

‘Have you thought this through?'

Kara narrowed her gaze. ‘Those are my conditions.'

‘You did your best, but I want to play my part. I want to make sure our son grows up properly. It is why I am here in this room. It is best to reach an agreement before the sun sets. Isn't that what you always said when you confronted me after a fight?' His lips turned up in a smile which could melt the hardest heart. ‘Meet me halfway, Kara. Like you used to do.'

Kara fought against the urge to agree with him. It was so wrong of him to quote her earlier self. She had always made the effort before to smooth over any argument. Ash never had. His way of settling things had been to kiss her into submission...until now. And she did agree that Rurik's supervision needed to be changed. She struggled to take a calming breath. ‘You were waiting for me here! The last place I would ever dream of looking for you. I have been looking everywhere for you.'

‘It seemed for the best—waiting for you somewhere where you would eventually return and where we could discuss things with a modicum of privacy. Whispers have a way of spreading and forcing people to take sides. The Viken court is a snakepit. Thorkell's queen is poisonous.' He inclined his head. ‘Was there something you wished to see me about? You said you were looking for me. Surely it was not to seek another kiss.'

Kara gazed at the tapestries, rather than looking at Ash.

‘Two things. I brought you some salve for your leg.' She held out the bowl. ‘You should put it on every morning when you wake and at night. It does well for lame horses.'

‘And lame men?'