Haunted (24 page)

I dropped my knees and put my hand on his shoulder. “Devon, I should be the least of your worries right now. I’m not going anywhere, ok? You have me for another couple of weeks here and after that, I’ll still be around.”

“That’s not what I mean, though. I’m not just talking about this gig here. I could give a shit about the contract you’re under. I mean I do because I’m trying to respect your rules. But I just have this fear that when it’s over you’re going to walk away from me and I don’t want that.”

“But how can you know what you’re going to want? You don’t even know me, Devon.”

“Then let me, chère! Let me know you! I know you think you’re only supposed to be here for us, but I want to know you.”

My head was spinning. I didn’t want to upset him, but I was so afraid he just needed a crutch. And I needed to be that for him. I was afraid to want more than that because once I got him to be able to live without the crutch he was going to leave. To want him to still need me was selfish on my part.

“Devon, I told you I didn’t want to make things difficult for you. Getting into a relationship or whatever you’re thinking about with me or anyone else is not really a good idea when you are grieving for someone. So whatever I want or think is irrelevant. Let me be here for you, to grieve for your sister and try to save your career. When that’s all said and done, if you still feel like this, then we can talk about what I want.”

He sat back, stunned. Myriad emotions crossed his face; hurt, anger, resignation among them. “So nothing I say right now is going to change your mind?”  

I smiled sadly at him. “It can’t. I’m sorry.”

He cursed and stood up. He turned his back to me and took in a shuddering breath.

“I’m going to get through this because I have to. You’ve helped me see that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. But you’ve also showed me that I can want more. And no matter what you say, I do want more and I will want more. So I’m going to consider this conversation to be continued.”

He went back inside and dragged my heart along the concrete behind him, slamming it in the door.

When I went back inside some time later Star caught me in the hallway as he was coming out of the dark kitchen.

“Hey, you ok? What happened?”  

I sniffled a little and smiled. “I’m fine. I...Oh! Shit! I was supposed to have Mackenzie come by with my books! Shit! What time is it?”

He pulled out a cell phone from his back pocket. “It’s 9:30? What do you need me to do?”

“I need that book. Care to break the rules a little?”  

His face crinkled into an adorable sneaky smile. “Let’s do it! Let’s be rebels! We’re supposed to be fucking rock n’ rollers, right?”

We bumped fists. I was so glad I’d run into him.

I had him sneak upstairs and get us some hoodies so we could creep out the back. He brought them downstairs and I slid one on. It was so gigantic on me I was swimming in it! We peeked out the back gate and there were still a few people around the front of the building. We decided we needed a better escape route. Star boosted me up to the top of the back wall, which was interesting in my dress. The ledge was just wide enough for us to walk along. We followed it around to the next property and then cut through their courtyard out to the street. There we just blended in with folks who had spilled over from Bourbon Street. We caught up to a Haunted Tour and followed them down Ursuline, then cut over until we were on Frenchman.

The night was very pleasant and the walk felt great. Star was good company. He kept humming the theme from Mission: Impossible and a demented James Bond mash-up that could have been more Austin Powers. He had me giggling and it did wonders to dispel the ache in my chest.

God, was I being an idiot? Devon was laying his feelings out for me and I was holding them away like a stinky diaper. I wanted to just grab them up and hold them close to me, hold him close and not let go. But if I did and anything went wrong, I would forever blame myself for taking advantage of a grieving man. Plus, would I ever know if he loved me for me and not just for the support I was giving him?

I must have stopped giggling because Star put out a hand and stopped me. We were a few blocks from my shop when he pulled me over to someone’s front steps. We sat down and I took a deep breath.

“Jaylene, please tell me what has you so sad tonight?”  

I blew up my bangs and tried to decide what to tell him.

“Tell me what you would do in this situation. Say you have this friend, an acquaintance really, but let’s just call him a friend. And this friend lost his best friend, they got into a fight or whatever, and all of a sudden he was hanging out with you all the time. You did everything together and you thought, ‘Hey! This is cool, I’m happy to have this friend.’ But then you start wondering, ‘would we be hanging out like this if he hadn’t lost his best friend? Would he still like me if he still had his other friend?’ How would you know? How could you be sure?”  

He was looking at me with deep understanding.

“You mean can Devon really love you if he’s grieving over his sister.”

I put my head down on my arms crossed over my knees. “Ok, maybe that was a little obvious.” I couldn’t keep the tears from coming out. I felt his hand on my back, trying to take care of me and I shook myself.

“I’m sorry, Star. I shouldn’t even be bothering you with this.”

He shook his head. “Jaylene, of course you should. Look. I know we asked a lot of you, ‘Come on over and help us save our band!’ But truthfully, you are just the catalyst for us. That’s not to say you aren’t amazing, because you are! Your art is brilliant and you are so easy to talk to. But we didn’t ask for a therapist, that’s not why you are there. I know from my time in rehab about boundaries and shit like that, but this is a different situation.”

“Yeah, but how unprofessional of me to be even be considering the possibility of getting involved with someone I’m working with. Or working for! Jesus! I knew I was going to fuck this up. Why I ever let Daryl talk me into this...”

“Whoa, whoa, Jay! What are you talking about? You haven’t fucked anything up! Unless there’s something you’re not telling me?”  

He gave me a look of exaggerated shock. “Have you sold our secrets to Perez Hilton! Are you really a tabloid spy!?”  

I rolled my eyes at him and he hugged me to him.

“Your goofy secrets are safe with me for sure. No, I fucked up by getting too...”

“You’re falling for Devon.”

I looked up at him wide-eyed. His reassuring smile did little to ease me this time.

“Jaylene, it’s perfectly understandable. Hell, if I swung that way I probably would, too.”

I elbowed him in the side and he grunted.

“I’m serious! He’s been a good friend to me, to all of us. He's one of those people who don’t have time for the bullshit. It’s probably why he hated L.A. and all the shit we were doing out there. He’s passionate about his craft, a perfectionist at what he does, but he’s completely selfless. He’s never wanted anything for himself. He’s always helping everyone else through his or her stuff. He was the one who drove me to rehab. He set the whole thing up, drove me there, didn’t hardly talk the whole six-hour drive. When we pulled up he said, ‘Get better, Star. Do what you have to do and don’t worry about anything else. It will all be here when you’re ready. You deserve to be happy.’” Star teared up at that. “The thing is, of all of us? He’s the one who deserves it the most. And he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him around you. How can that be wrong?”

“It’s not wrong. I want him to feel better. I’m glad he feels like he can talk to me. But that’s just it. What if he’s confusing the two, you know? And I can’t help but worry that if I let my feelings get too mixed up, he’s going to realize that he only needed me to get through his grief. He’ll realize that he really isn’t into me the way he thinks he is.”

Star tsked at me. “My darlink, zat sounds like a leettle beet of projection.” His Freudian accent had me giggling again. “See? I know my psychobabble! Seriously, what if I turned that around on you? Are you only into him because you’re helping him?”

“Gods, no! He’s such a good person, Star. In just the short time I’ve known him, he’s given me so many reasons to think he’s the bees’ knees! I’m just afraid...”

He nodded and I felt like his arm around me was the only thing keeping me grounded at the moment.

“You just said it. You’re afraid. But why?”  

I shrugged. “You’re the Jr. Freud, you tell me?”  

He tickled me and I tried not to yelp too loud. He started back up in his accent and I could barely contain my giggling fit.

“Vell, to tell you ze trooth, I zink you are afraid of puttink your feelinkz out zere and havink someone not reciprocate or is eet zat you zink you vill let him down?”  

“Yikes, guess I’m pretty easy to read.”

He shook his head.

“Nah, it just takes one to know one. Look, all I’m saying is you should give yourself a break, for one. And second, if you were going to take a chance on a dude, Devon’s a pretty good bet. Just think about it, ok?”  

I nodded and kissed him on the cheek. We started to walk again. He kept his arm around me to steady me.

“You’re pretty awesome, Star! Maybe you should have done the Master’s degree!”  

He laughed and shook his head.

“No way, ADHD, remember? School and I weren’t friendly like that. But I have thought about maybe helping out with some support groups. I try to go to AA when I can find a meeting. Maybe someday I can be someone’s sponsor. That would be cool.”

“Yes, it would,” I answered him and I meant it. He was such a wonderful young man. I found myself praying that Mackenzie wouldn’t eat him alive as we stepped up to the back door of the shop.

"Hey, Star? Where'd your name come from? It's not very Cajun.”

He sighed. “No, it's not. My mama used to call me her 'Shining Star.' She had a pretty shitty life. I was sorta her bright spot. Anyway, the name stuck. What can I say? The guys were the only ones who didn't give me shit about it growing up.”

I smiled at him and ruffled his messy hair.

"I agree that it suits you. Definitely.” I turned and frowned at the back door. “We have to go in quick and shut the door so I can turn off the alarm, ok?”  

He nodded, the secret agent once again. He was even whisper humming the silly music again.

I got the door open and then I shut us in, working on the alarm code. The beeping always made me nervous. I screwed up once before I got it in correctly.

All of a sudden, the light came on at the top of the stairs and there was Mackenzie in her micro mini babydoll pajamas with a frying pan.

“Who the fuck is breaking into my shop!?” She flipped on the light at the bottom of the stairs. Her eyes went wide and she dropped the frying pan with a loud clang when she saw us.

“Oh My God, Jaylene! You are so lucky I haven’t bought a shotgun or you’d have some more holes in you!”  

Star and I giggled, but he was staring at her in awe.

“Good evening, Miss McGowan. It’s nice to see you again.”

She blushed and then looked down and tried to cover up a bit.

“It’s nice to see you, too, but what the hell are you two doing sneaking around!?”

“Sorry, Kenz. I never got a chance to call you back and this evening kind of went to hell, so Star and I snuck out to come get my book.”

“Yeah, I was waiting for you to call and I decided to just go to bed. Someone kept me up late the other night.” She was smiling at Star. His blush was adorable and he just kept staring at her.

“Ok, well, I’m going to pop into my flat and see if I can find it. Star, why don’t you just wait with Mackenzie? I’ll just be a few minutes.”

His phone started buzzing insistently. “Oh shit! It’s Devon. I didn’t tell him we left.”

My heart dropped. “Please tell him we just ran a covert operation and that we’ll be right back. I don’t want him to...you know, after the talk we just had.”

“Roger that, partner. I’ll settle down the Chief.”

I giggled and ran up the stairs to my flat. Mackenzie invited Star in for a drink. I thought it would be nice to give those two a few minutes to catch up so I wasn’t worried.

As I passed my dinette, I saw the drawing I did of Devon the day they came into the shop. I smiled when I thought of how much my impressions of him had changed from when he was just this aloof, mysterious guy in my shop with aviator shades on. Then I thought of him on his knee tonight. Was Star right? Could I trust him when he told me that it was really me he wanted? Could I have enough confidence in myself to trust him?

I sat down and drew him again, this time from the memories of the afternoon in my room when I discovered he wasn’t a widower, that he was in fact very unattached and attracted to me. I poured all of my feelings for him into that drawing, him looking up at me with eyes so full of emotion. Maybe if I gave these drawings to him, how I saw him in the beginning, how I saw him yesterday, how I see him today, maybe he would know what I was feeling. I wasn’t skilled with words like he was. But maybe through my drawings he could see how I felt about him.

When I was finished drawing him I walked over to my bookshelf and pulled down the December book. I flipped through it until I found the drawing and the picture after of Maggie’s/Meg’s tattoo. I thought they should see it. Maybe they would want to incorporate it into what I did for them. I still needed more ideas for their tattoos but I was feeling her more. I thought about a portrait of her or a symbolic representation of all the things she meant to them. Star came in a few minutes later, a huge smile on his face.

“Now that lady right there is going to be the death of me. Jaylene, there’s no doubting I am in a bad way over her.” He looked so sweet and after our earlier talk, I had no qualms about him pursuing my best friend.

“She’s a lucky woman then. You are quite a catch.”

He gave me a hug and took my hand. “C’mon. We need to get back before Devon completely blows up my phone. He wants to be sure you’re ok and he won’t be until he knows you’re back.”

I sighed. “Man, I really botched things up.”

“No you didn’t, Jay. But if any of us needs to get out of their heads, it’s you right about now!”  

I groaned and we went out the back after resetting the alarm. The walk only took about twenty minutes and by then it was late. The party had moved away from the building so we could easily sneak in the back door. It was dark inside, the only lights coming from the rumpus room upstairs.

We snuck up the stairs and he ran interference for me as I snuck into my room. I closed the door and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. These weird hours had me a mess. I knew I should sleep, but I wasn’t tired after sleeping through the afternoon. I peeked my head into Devon’s room to let him know I was back, but instead of seeing him I caught a view of Sherry sliding a very lacy negligee over her head.

“Oh, sorry Sherry! I was just closing the door here...”

“No problem, yeah, this bathroom situation reminds me of the Brady Bunch! Did you ever watch that show? The kids had that weird bathroom between their rooms?” That made us both laugh.

“Hey, listen, I’m glad we talked earlier. I’m really glad you are here. Marcus told me how much you’ve been a help to getting them on track so I just really want to thank you.”

I waved her off. “It’s been great! It doesn’t feel like work at all. Maybe more like babysitting a set of quadruplets and a conniving older sibling, but it’s been great, no problem!”  

“I hear you! Listen, I’m here one more day and then I have to go back to LA. Maybe you and I can chat some more tomorrow, while they are practicing?”  

I nodded and said, “Sure. Goodnight, Sherry.”

“Goodnight, Jaylene. See you in the morning.”

With that, I closed her door and proceeded to do my nighttime routine. I was feeling disappointed that Devon wasn’t there to say goodnight to. I figured he must have gone to one of the other guys’ rooms.

I changed into sleep clothes and tried to lie down but I was still wired and I felt like I needed to at least see Devon so he’d know I hadn’t run away. It seemed really important.