Healed (12 page)

“No.”
She looked around the restaurant. “Did you want to ask me something about her?”

“No.” I wrack
ed my brain for something to say. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something else. Something Lexi can’t know about.”

“Oh?”
She frowned and looked at me with a disconcerted look. “You didn’t cheat with someone else as well, did you?”

“No.”
I frowned. Did she really think that lowly of me? For some reason it really hurt me to hear her ask that question. It was ridiculous that I should feel bad about it but I couldn’t stop the jab of pain that ran through me.

“Okay.”
She wiped her brow. “I was about to say.”

“Do you want to know something? I feel like my mom is here with me.”
I looked down, embarrassed at my honesty. I was scared that she would think I was crazy.

“You do?”
She leaned towards me.

“Yeah. Does that sound strange? I feel like my mom is guiding me into doing something to change my life.”

“That doesn’t sound strange. I talk to my mom every night.” She looked away quickly. “I hope you don’t think I’m crazy.”

“I don’t.” I smile
d at her gently. “I wish I could talk to my mom as well.”

“She’s my best friend. I’ve never told anyone that before. Not even Lexi. I guess it’s
’cos you know how it feels.” She glanced at me quickly. “It’s really hard to lose a parent. I don’t think people get it until it happens to them.”

“Does the pain ever go away?” I clench
ed my hands, determined not to cry. I’m a man, I shouldn’t let every little thing bring me to tears.

“Not really. It lessens. But there isn’t a day that goes past that I don’t think of her. It gets hard sometimes
, because I was so young when she died. I can’t always picture her face and it makes me scared, but then I just look at a photo.”

“I think about my mom every minute of
the day.” I looked into my shake. “There isn’t a moment that I don’t hear her voice or see her smile. She was the only one who truly loved me from day one.” My throat choked up and I looked away.

“
She’s not the only one who will ever love you though Bryce.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “I think you of all guys won’t have a problem finding love.”

“You speak as though it’s in the future.” I laugh
ed.

“You speak as though she’s the only one who’s ever loved you.”
She replied to the question not spoken and I nodded my head.

“You know
, Anna, you see yourself as a wallflower who no one sees and I see myself as the guy that everyone sees and no one really knows.”

“You’re the guy everyone wants to be
, Bryce.” She tapped her fingers against the table. “And the guy every girl wants to be with.”

“Not if they knew what my life was really like.”
I sighed. “No one would want to be me, or be with me, then.”

“You have Lexi.”

“I don’t know about that.” I sighed. “I don’t know if I ever really had her.”

“It’s like you were made for each other. It’s the story we all want to believe when we’re in high school. The popular quarterback falls for the shy
, studious one. Haven’t you seen the movies, Bryce? Your reality is everyone’s fantasy.”

“But that’s
the problem, Anna, don’t you see? This isn’t a movie and it’s not reality. We’re not in high school anymore. I’m far from the blonde jock that everyone wants to be with. I’m just a regular fucked up guy. I’m nobody’s Prince Charming. In fact, I’m more akin to the evil wolf.”

“
You’re one handsome evil wolf, Bryce Evans.”

“But I’m still a wolf
, Anna. I’m still a wolf.”

“Yeah, maybe you are.”
She smiled at me sadly and, once again, I was taken aback by her complete and utter honesty, even when she knew what she was saying may hurt me. I respected that about her.

“So tell me A
nna. Why me?” I cocked my head and licked my lips.

“I suppose you think I’m the evil? The jealous kooky best friend.” She sighed. “I know it doesn’t seem like it
, but I regret that night more than anything, it was a horrible thing to do. I’ve got issues with Lexi, but that wasn’t the way to deal with them.”

“I don’t think you’re evil. I’m the last one to pass judgme
nt on anybody.” She laughed then, an energized, deep, from the gut laugh and I was happy to see that she was no longer down on herself. “That makes me feel better, Bryce. You are the last person to judge me for what happened.” She wiped tears away from her eyes.

“I want to ask you a question
, Anna.”

“Sure.”

“Do you think I would make a good dad?”

“A dad?”
Her eyes widened. “Is this a random subject change or what?”

“Yeah.
” I laughed and leaned towards her.“Would you be happy if I was your child’s father?”

“Are you asking me to have a kid
, Bryce?” She asked me, only half joking.

“No. I just wanted a third party view on how they think I would be as a dad.”

“But I don’t really know you.” She made a face.

“Well, from what you know?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry.
” I sighed. It was true. She most probably wanted to tell me no. I mean, it wasn’t like she knew anything good about me.”

“I just don’t know you that well. Not everyone should have a kid.”
She looked away from me.

“That’s true.” I look
ed at a Disney photo on the wall next to our table. “I think I’d be a good brother, though. I’d do whatever I can to make her happy. I’d be her family. It’s what my mom would have wanted. She’s old enough to go to kindergarten while I take classes and I can work from home. I can make this work.” I chattered excitedly.

“Wait what?”
Anna interrupted me. “Brother or father? I’m confused here.”

I look
ed at her in shock. In my excitement I had spoken too much. “I can’t talk about it, Anna.”

“I’m so confused.” She sh
ook her head. “Maybe you can just take me home?”

“It’s my sister.” I blurt
ed out. I didn’t want to be alone. Not now. I needed to talk to someone. “You can’t tell anyone. But I have a little sister. I can barely believe it as I say the words. I want to adopt her.”

“Wow.

“She’s Lexi’s sister as well. My dad is the father and her mom is the mom.”

“What?!?!”
Her jaw dropped and I realized that she didn’t know about the affair.

“She never told you?”

“There are many things that Lexi and I never shared,” she sighed. “So how old is your sister?”

“Four
, I think, maybe five.”

“So this happened while we were in high school?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s funny
, isn’t it? In high school we think that our lives are going to end if something doesn’t go our way. Little do we know that there’s a whole world waiting for us to show us that there’s not a lot that’s going to go our way.”

“That’s pretty deep.”

“For a girl from Jonesville?” She laughed and I stared at the length of her throat. And then the curve of her lips. She’s not the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but she has a lot more character than I’ve ever witnessed.

“I’m surprised you didn’t tell me I’d make a great dad.”

“You mean lie?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, even if to protect my feelings. I feel like Lexi would have told me I could do anything.”

“I bet she would have.”

“But it’s not true. And it’s a lot of responsibility to live up to.”

“What is?” She took a sip of her drink and I watched as her tongue darted in and out of her mouth as she sipped.
Look away, Bryce,
I lectured myself, internally. What was I doing? I was not attracted to Anna. I could not let this situation become even more complicated than it was.

“Being the perfect guy. It’s a nice label. But it’s a hell of a lot to live up to.”

“I don’t think anyone thinks you’re the perfect guy anymore, Bryce.” She laughed and I felt like she had slapped me in the face.

“I can be a good guy.”

“I’m sure.” She smiled. “Every guy can be good.”

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “Life is never what we think it’s going to be. And neither are people.”

“You know
, Anna, you’re a lot more different than I thought you were as well.”

“Like you ever thought of me before.”

“Sure I have.” I lied, not wanting to make her feel bad.

“No, no you haven’t.”
She gave me a half smile. “And that’s okay. Maybe I never wanted to be noticed. I didn’t want to be the poor kid with the dead mom.”

“I’m the poor kid with the dead mom now.”

“Oh Bryce, I’m so sorry.” Her face collapsed as she realized what she had said.

“It’s okay.”
And in my heart it was. “I like you, Anna.”

“I like you too
, Bryce.”

“Maybe we can go for another shake again soon?”

“I don’t think so.” She shook her head and sighed and I felt a pang of regret at her words. “I don’t want to do this to Lexi. No matter what happens to our friendship.”

“We’re just hanging out.”

“I’d like you to take me home, please.” She stood up and I had an overwhelming urge to beg her to stay with me. “Oh and Bryce, I think you’ll make a fine big brother or dad. You’re a good guy.”

“You’re just saying that
’cos you want a ride home.”

“Maybe.”
She laughed and put her arm through mine as we walked out of the restaurant and to my car. “And maybe I think that you’re just a sheep in wolf’s clothing.”

“You say the sweetest things.” I laugh
ed and we drove in silence back to her home. I drove slowly, not wanting to say goodbye. As we got closer to her home, I felt myself feeling emptier and emptier inside.

“Thanks for driving me home.”
She looked into my eyes as she took off her seatbelt. “I had a good evening.” She was nearly out of the car when I pulled her towards me.

“Wait.” I grab
bed her arm and she looked up at me curiously. I tilted my head down and kissed her urgently. She kissed me back, passionately and I’m surprised at our sexual chemistry. It hadn’t felt like this the night I had been wasted and out of my mind. I felt bereft when she pulled away from me and left my car. I sat there, watching her walk away and I wanted to get out and run up to her. But I knew there’s nothing I could say to make this alright.

I sigh
ed as my phone rang and I was sure it was my dad, calling to discuss the funeral. I was surprised to see Lexi’s name on the screen. I felt a slight dread as I answered the phone. I was so confused about everything.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Her voice was soft. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I sigh
ed. “I’m sorry to drop that bomb on you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s okay. I understand why you said it.”

“We should talk.”

“Yeah. I think we should talk.”
She sounded worried and I felt my breath catch. I couldn’t end it now. Not after everything she’s done for me. Not after she’s loved me soo long. I knew in my heart of hearts that she wasn’t the one. She had made me believe in myself again, but someone else was winning my heart. But I wasn’t going to go back on my word now. I owed her that much. I would stay with her. I would be the man that she needed me to be because that was what I was. I was a man.

Chapter 9

Lexi

I leafed through Bryce’s letters after we got off the phone. It seemed like it had been in another universe when they had meant so much to me. It seemed like a dream world and I had woken up. I was now in my real life and everything felt more real and rawer. I thought that finding true love would heal every hurt in my life. But it hadn’t. I still felt slightly empty inside. I knew it was because of the conversation I’d heard. I didn’t know whom Luke was whispering to, or what it was about, but I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me. That one, one-sided phone call had crushed me. I had been flying high until that moment and now I felt low.

I felt even lower
now that I had spoken to Bryce. What sort of person would I be if I were to meet up with him and dump him after his mother had died? I couldn’t be that person. I was all he had left. He loved me. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t feel the same way. Not after everything. Maybe I wasn’t meant to find love.

The man I loved was lying to me. I never thought Luke would lie to me.
Or hide things from me. I didn’t want him to throw his life away either. His comments about not going to Boston because of me really distressed me. In another age I would have seen it as the ultimate in love. But now I saw it in a different light. I didn’t want to be the one who was responsible for him not following his dream. But I also knew that I didn’t want to move to Boston.