Authors: Katy Newton Naas
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I walked into second period on Monday to find Aiden already in his seat. With earphones in, he was drumming along to whatever he was listening to. He barely looked up as I walked in and took my seat beside him.
“Hey, Aiden,” I said, trying to get his attention.
He nodded once. “What's up?” he asked casually, still not really looking at me.
I shrugged. “Nothing.” I could tell he was trying to be nonchalant, but I was sure that I had hurt him. I sighed. “Look, I suck,” I told him.
He looked up at me and took one of the earphones out of his ears. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“Because I wasn't at your show. I meant to call you in the afternoon to tell you not to leave the tickets there because I knew I wasn't going to get to go, but something came up and it totally just slipped my mind. I'm sorry.”
He gave me a frown. “No worries. To be honest, I didn't know you weren't there. There were so many people in the audience, I couldn't even see the faces clearly.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling stupid. I should have listened to myself when I figured he wouldn't even notice my absence. “Well, I still suck. I'm sorry. I really did want to see the show, but like I said⦔
He interrupted. “No apologies. I'm sure you had other important plans.”
I was a little taken aback. There was a slight hint of sarcasm in his last statement. “I did. When I saw you in the video store, I didn't think Ethan had made any definite plans. But he had, and just hadn't told me yet.”
He shook his head. “I told you, don't worry about it. Why do you feel the need to explain anything to me, anyway?”
I sat there in silence for a minute, not knowing what to say. Why
did
I feel the need to try to explain it to him? He said it was okay, and he hadn't even noticed that I wasn't there. Finally, I shrugged. “Because. I still want those guitar lessons,” I said jokingly.
“Oh, right. The lessons,” he said. “You still want to do that?”
“Yeah, tomorrow, right? We're still on for tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess,” he replied. “Still at your house?”
“Yes. I can give you directions. It's really close to here.”
He shrugged. “Or I could just take you home from school. Wouldn't that be easier?”
I considered that for a moment, and then nodded. “Yeah, actually, I guess it would. Except, we'll have to stop and pick up my brother at the elementary school.”
“Not a problem,” he said as the bell rang and Mrs. White walked into the room.
I was somewhat relieved, but not completely. He was still going to give me guitar lessons, and he wasn't mad at me. Or, at least he wasn't
telling me
he was mad at me. But something was different. He was not his usual friendly, happy self who I could joke around with in class. If he wasn't unhappy with me, there had to be something else on his mind. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as Mrs. White started class. He sat quietly and listened to her, as he always did, but there was definitely something different. There were no whispered jokes between us. One kid made a dumb comment on the reading, and he didn't even exchange looks with me as he usually did. Normally, if someone said something ridiculous or immature, we could look at each other and know exactly what the other one was thinking without saying a word. Today, he didn't even so much as look at me throughout the entire class. I wasn't sure why that bothered me so much, but it definitely did.
I couldn't help but think about it throughout the rest of the day. I knew I needed some way to make it up to him so that we could go back to normal. It stayed on the back of my mind until I got to Dr. Hope's that afternoon.
The first thing Dr. Hope wanted to discuss was the list I was supposed to come up with of things I could do for myself. “I expect you've brought a couple of ideas to share with me today?”
I nodded. “I have. First of all, I decided I definitely am going out for cheerleading. My friend Anna is going to help me get ready for tryouts. I was watching them at the game last week, and I realized it really is something that I want to do for me. I miss it. I miss being involved in sports in general, actually.”
She smiled. “Great! Well, there's a good start. Did you come up with anything else?”
I smiled back. “Actually, yeah, I have one more thing. I have this friend, Aiden, and he's in a band. We talk music all the time, and he volunteered to teach me to play guitar. I've always wanted to learn to play, so I think it will be fun. We're going to start tomorrow.”
“That's great, Rain! I think you will have a natural talent for it,” she said. Then she tilted her head. “How does Ethan feel about this?”
I put my head down. “I haven't exactly told him.”
“Why not?”
I sighed deeply. “I don't know, actually. I don't really talk about Aiden with him, for one thing. Not that he'd care if I have a guy that's a good friend. He really wouldn't. Iâ¦I don't know why I haven't mentioned our relationship to him.”
She sat back in her chair. “Are you worried he's going to get jealous?”
I squinted at her. “No. I just told you he wouldn't care if I had a good guy friend. He has friends that are girls. It's not like that.”
“Then what is it like?” she asked, giving me a slight smile.
I shook my head. “It's just thatâ¦Aiden and Ethan aren't really friends. They're not, like, enemies or anything, but they're nothing alike. Ethan's all super-student; you know, the teachers love him, he's really involved in school, blah, blah, blah. Aiden's a good student, too, but he's not so much for the school spirit. He works and plays in his band, and he's happy with that.” I purposefully left out Aiden's newfound interest in God and church and all that. For whatever reason, his invitation to join him on Sundays jumped into my mind at random moments, and it gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sure what that meant yet, and I sure wasn't ready to talk about it. So, I concluded with, “Aiden and Ethanâ¦they're just kind ofâ¦different people.”
She shrugged. “Well, they obviously have one thing in common â they're both friends of yours.”
“That's true,” I said. “But the thing is, I think I'm kind of like both of them, in different ways. That's kind of what I've been struggling with, I guess. I like school and sports and all of that, but that was pretty much my whole life at my old school and I want to do more than that now. I kind of go back and forth between the two different lifestyles.”
She leaned forward. “Rain, why does it have to be one or the other? Can't you be involved in school, but have a life outside of it, too?”
I considered that for a few minutes. It made sense, but she didn't fully understand. “Well, I can, but the two circles just don't really intermingle, if you know what I mean. Not that one is better than the other one, but they're just different. I don't talk much about my love of music with Ethan, just like I don't talk much about sports with Aiden. I kind of keep those two things separate.”
She nodded. “I see.” She looked like she was in thought for a moment, and then she spoke again. “Rain, I think it's great that you're trying to figure out who you are. It will take a while â probably years â before you get it totally figured out. This is the time for you to experiment and find what you love. I don't think you should have to hide who you are from the people closest to you. If Ethan is really a friend, he will accept your desire to try new things that may be out of his comfort zone. Same for Aiden. You shouldn't have to live a double life.”
I gave her an exasperated smile. “If only it were that simple,” I told her. I decided to change the subject. “Mom and I talked about Dad for the first time this weekend.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Really? How did that go?”
“Really well, actually,” I replied. “She told me she wasn't mad at Dad for what he did.”
She nodded. “And how do you feel on that subject?”
I sighed. “I have spent the last five months being secretly mad at him. I thought he took the easy way out after he got our family in a lot of trouble. But she kind of made me see that there was probably more to it than I had ever considered. It helped me to let go of a little bit of the anger I have been holding on to.”
“So there is still
some
anger there.” It wasn't a question, but a statement.
I nodded. “Of course. I'm still mad at the whole situation. I can't believe it happened. I thought we were this happy little family, living comfortably, and in a matter of days I found out otherwise. I'm mad that it all happened to us. And I'm madâ¦at myself.” I felt the tears come to my eyes as the words spewed out like vomit. “If I hadn't been such a selfish, spoiled brat, Dad may not have gotten into so much trouble. I had to have an expensive cell phone and if a new model came out, I was after it. I had to have the best clothes and the best shoes.”
“Rain,” she interrupted, “listen to me. What happened was not your fault. Sure, you wanted all those things, just like every other teenager in the world. You had no idea about the financial situation your father was hiding. If you had, I'm sure you would have done things differently.”
I nodded. “I just wish he would have told me!” I exploded as the tears came pouring down. “I would have quit everything and gotten a real job instead of just babysitting once in a while. I would have stopped asking to go shopping and to concerts and for all the other stuff he used to buy me that I didn't need.”
She took my hand. “Rain, I know this is hard. But dwelling on the âwhat ifs' won't change the situation. The only thing you can do now is try to move forward. You have to let go of the anger you're feeling toward yourself.”
I didn't respond but sat and cried for a while, letting her rub my shoulder in condolence. Finally, after I calmed down a little, I looked up at her and laughed. “You're good.”
She tilted her head with a confused expression. “What do you mean?”
I shook my head. “I don't know how you get me talking so much. Every time I'm here, I, like, have a breakdown. I always leave feeling better, somehow.”
She laughed. “Rain, it's not because I'm âgood.' It's you. You've finally decided to talk and help yourself. You're the one making these self-discoveries. I'm just here to guide the process.”
I smiled at her as I wiped the remaining tears from my face. “Well, you're a good guide. Thanks.” And I really meant what I had said. I had gone from dreading coming to her, to accepting it and just trying to get it over with, to actually enjoying it. Well, maybe not
enjoying
it, but being happy to talk to her about everything, anyway.
“I'm really happy to hear you say that, Rain. That means a lot to me,” she said. I could tell by her smile that she really meant it. “But now, I'm afraid⦔
“â¦our time is up,” I finished for her. Standing up, I grabbed my purse. “I'll see you Thursday.”
“Okay. Remember what we talked about â about your double life. Don't be ashamed of who you are. And please stop blaming yourself for what happened. It's
not
your fault.”
I nodded. “Bye.” I turned and walked out the door and across town to my apartment, feeling strangelyâ¦lighter, somehow.
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Throughout school the next day, I was in a pretty good mood. Everything was going my way. I had just gotten back my first literary analysis essay in American Literature, and I received a ninety-two. Then, I got back a quiz in Geometry, and I got a perfect score! School was going well, and Ethan and I were doing well. I felt even closer to him after our date. Anna had agreed to start training me for cheerleading tryouts that weekend. I was feeling on top of the world, except for the nagging feeling that I needed to somehow make things better with Aiden.
The morning in American Lit was pretty much the same as the day before. He was cordial and polite, but he didn't talk to me much. I asked him about our guitar lesson that was coming up, and he smiled and politely told me that he had remembered to bring the guitars, but it wasn't the same. The spark that I used to see in his eyes was gone. He didn't look at me the same as he used to. I wasn't sure if he was upset with me for blowing off his show, or if there was something bigger happening.
Ethan was waiting at my locker after school, as always, to tell me good-bye before I went home and he went to football practice. He picked me up off of my feet as soon as I approached him. “Ethan!” I shouted in surprise, and then started laughing. “What are you doing?”
He leaned in and kissed me. “Just happy to see you, that's all.”
I rolled my eyes. “Even though you just saw me an hour ago?”
“If it's possible, every time I see you makes me even happier than the time before,” he said with a cheesy grin on his face.
“Ugh. Get a room,” I heard a familiar voice say behind me. Ethan put me down as we turned to see Alexis standing there, giving us her syrupy sweet, incredibly fake smile.
“What's up, Alexis?” he asked.
“Nothing you should be concerned with,” she said. “I came to talk to Rain.”
I don't know who was more surprised â me or Ethan. We both stared at her for a moment before I squeaked, “You want to talk to me?”
“Don't act so shocked. But it's personal. Which means you can leave,” she said, giving Ethan that famous smile.
He looked uncomfortable, but he turned back to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I'll call you later?” he asked. His eyes searched mine for some kind of assurance that it was okay for him to leave.
“Sounds good,” I said with a nod and a smile, trying to show him I would be fine.
Reluctantly, he walked slowly away from us. Once he was out of earshot, I turned to Alexis. “So, what do you want?”
“I'm here to give you someâ¦advice, sort of,” she said.
I glared at her. “What kind of advice?”
If it's about Ethan, forget it
, I thought to myself.
“It's about cheerleading,” she said. “I heard Anna is getting ready to start working with you.”
“Yeah, we're starting this weekend,” I said cautiously. “Why?”
“Well, I was thinking. I love Anna, but let's be honest. She's a total flake sometimes.” She smiled at me, obviously hoping I would smile back, but I didn't. “Well, anyway, I thought it might be better if maybeâ¦maybe I came with her to help you out, too.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why would you want to help me?”
She gave me a look of fake shock. “Why
wouldn't
I want to help you?”
I rolled my eyes. “Cut the crap, Alexis. Let's be honest and not pretend we're friends. You haven't exactly been my biggest fan since I got here.”
She shrugged as her eyes got wide. “I don't have a problem with you.”
I shut my locker door and turned to face her. “I don't want your help. Thanks anyway.” I started to walk away when she grabbed my arm.
“Okay, okay. I haven't exactly been Miss Welcoming, I know. But here's the deal. I just found out that Olivia is moving in, like, three weeks.”
“As in, the Olivia that is your back spot in all your stunts?”
She nodded. “It's, like, a big secret right now, though, so you better not say a word. She and her mom are moving away and leaving her dad and no one really knows that yet. Especially not her dad. She just told me so that I could start making the preparations to lose her.”
“If she leaves in three weeks, you'll lose her before football season is even over,” I realized out loud.
“Exactly. Which means we'll need a replacement quickly so that we can go to competition.”
I shook my head with a half-smile. “So why are you telling
me
this if it's such a big secret?”
She sighed. “Like you said, I haven't been your biggest fan. And you're right. What do you expect when you start dating my boyfriend?”
“Ex-boyfriend,” I corrected.
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Despite all that, the thing is, I want to win. I want someone that has experience, which I know you do, and you have the build to be a back spot. You're tall and thin, but you're strong. You could easily step in and take her place.”
I smirked. “So, as captain, you can just name the replacement?”
She rolled her eyes again as she flipped her bouncy hair. “No. We'll have to have an emergency tryout. But what I'm telling you is, I
want
you to be the replacement. That's why I want to help you.”
Absorbing the information, I stood silent and still. I wasn't sure that I trusted Alexis, but the idea of getting back into cheerleading even sooner than I had expected was exciting.
As if she could read my mind, she said, “This way you wouldn't have to wait until basketball season. And if you could get on the squad now, you'd for sure make the basketball squad.”
I nodded, and I couldn't help the big smile that spread on my face. “Thanks, Alexis. I'd like your help.”
She smiled, and this one actually seemed genuine. “Good. But don't say anything about Olivia. Not even to Anna.”
“I won't,” I said, “but she's going to wonder what's going on when you suddenly want to help me.”
“I'll think of something,” she said. “You just keep your mouth shut.”
I put my fingers up to my lips, pretending to pull a zipper across them. At that moment, I saw Aiden approaching. I silently willed Alexis to go away as he got close, but she didn't. He walked up and punched me lightly in the arm. “You ready to go?”
“Um, yeah,” I muttered, glancing at Alexis. An even bigger smile had spread across her face. Her purely evil thoughts were written in her eyes. “Bye,” I told her as I tried to avoid her eyes.
“Wait!” she said before I could walk away. “Where are you two going?”
“We, um, have to go work on a project for American Lit,” I lied quickly. I didn't make eye contact with Aiden as I groaned inwardly. Lying about hanging out with him was not the way to get back in his good graces, but I still hadn't told Ethan about the guitar lessons arrangement and I knew that whatever I said would somehow mysteriously get back to him.
“I see,” she said with a disbelieving smile. “See you later, Rain.” With that, she turned and bounced back down the hallway.
I watched her walk away before I turned toward Aiden. He was staring at me with a look of skepticism. “American Lit project?” he asked.
I smiled sheepishly. “Long story,” I said.
“I've got time,” he said, tilting his head.
I rolled my eyes. “Let's just go and I'll explain later.”
He nodded slowly, looking away. “I bet I can explain it right now. You didn't tell your boyfriend you were taking lessons from me, and you don't want Alexis to tell him either. That wasn't such a long story, now, was it?” His voice had an angry undertone.
“Can we just get out of here? It's more complicated than that.”
“Why do you hang out with those girls, anyway? You're nothing like them.” The anger in his voice was replaced by sheer curiosity.
“You don't know them,” I snapped. I hated the way he seemed to label the cheerleaders. I didn't especially like Alexis either, but it wasn't fair for him to lump them all together into one category.
He rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “Fine. Let's go get your little brother.” Just like that, he seemed somewhat normal again. I followed him out of the school, wondering what the mood swing was all about.
When we got out in the parking lot, he led me to an old station wagon that had two guitars propped up in the backseat. “Welcome to the Dreamboat,” he said as I opened the passenger side door.
“The Dreamboat?” I asked.
“Yeah, that's her name,” he said as he rubbed the top of the car.
I laughed as I got in and put on my seatbelt. He was starting to seem like himself again. When he started the car, rock music blared from the radio. I bobbed my head to the beat as Aiden looked in the rearview mirror to back out of his parking space.
“What band is this?” I asked.
Aiden smiled. “You like them?”
“I don't think I've ever heard this before. It's amazing.”
I could tell my comment pleased him. “They're called The Calling. It's a Christian rock band. We're hoping to start doing some of their songs soon. There's a youth rally coming up in about a month, so we're working hard on getting a set together. Steve's uncle helps with the organizing of it, and he pretty much told us we'd have the gig if we can get ready by then.”
“Oh,” was all I could muster. I tried to tune out the words for the rest of the drive, but I just couldn't. When the lead singer belted out a line about trusting God when times are tough, tears threatened to spill out in the corner of my eyes. In desperation, I turned my head toward the window and focused on anything I could to distract me â the other cars around us, some kids playing a game of basketball in someone's driveway, a bird picking something out of the grass.
We arrived at the elementary school a few minutes later. I had to get out of the car so that Tyler would see me; I hadn't told him Aiden would be picking him up.
He looked at me strangely, but then came over to the car. “Hop in, Ty. You remember my friend Aiden from the video store.”
“Yeah!” said Tyler. “Did you come to bring us more movies?”
Aiden laughed. “Nope. I'm working with your sister on a⦔ he glanced at me before he continued, “school project. I'm coming over to your house today.”
“Oh. Okay.” Just like that, he had no more questions. I was secretly grateful that Aiden had used my lie on Tyler, because I hadn't considered the fact that Tyler might mention Aiden's presence at our apartment in front of Ethan. This way, his story and Alexis' story would match.
I directed Aiden to our complex, and he followed us upstairs to our apartment. I wasn't nearly as self-conscious as I led Aiden inside as I had been when I brought Ethan and Anna in for the first time. I fixed us all a snack of cheese and crackers and sliced oranges before I left Tyler in the living room to watch television while I took Aiden into my room to get started.
Aiden sat down on the bed while I pulled a chair up to sit across from him. We both took a guitar in our hands. I studied it carefully, looking at the strings before I asked, “So, what's first?”
He smiled. “Okay. Confession time. I don't actually know how to read music.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. “What?”
He laughed. “I don't actually know how to read music. I know the chords, but I can't read actual guitar music.”
“So you play by ear. Like my dad did,” I said knowingly.
“Yeah,” he said sheepishly. “I hear a song, and then I just pluck around until I figure it out.”
I laughed loudly. “That's awesome, Aiden. But I don't think I can just
hear a song
and be able to play it. Do you think you'll be able to teach me?”
“I have a feeling about you. I think you can probably play by ear, too, if you just learn the basics. I can teach you the songs I know.”
I considered that for a moment, and then I nodded. “You know, my least favorite part of piano lessons was having to work through the lesson book. I had to learn all these songs that I didn't even like just to be able to progress. This actually may be kind of perfect. I can only learn the songs that I actually want to play!”
“Good,” he said. “Let's get started.”
He taught me how to position my hands on the guitar, and showed me the basic chords. Though it felt awkward and unnatural at first, soon I became more comfortable. It felt like it took forever to memorize what he was teaching me, but I did it. He was a good teacher; he waited patiently as I tried to take it all in and didn't get upset when he had to show me things more than once. We laughed and joked around while I tried to pretend I had been doing this for years. I had to admit, even though I was still a little awkward and didn't know what I was doing exactly, it felt good to be holding a guitar. It felt right. When I started to get a little more comfortable with the chords, I grew bolder. “So what's the easiest song you can teach me? Maybe even just the chorus of a song? I'm way too impatient to just stick to playing chords.”
Aiden smiled. “How about this one?” With that, he began playing the opening notes to a song that I recognized immediately.
“âAmazing Grace,'” I said flatly. That strange feeling in the pit of my stomach was back. Instead of watching Aiden's hands on the guitar as I should, I looked down at the floor. I could hardly begin to describe the emotions that were swirling around in my body â I was irritated, then angry, then sad, then anxious, all at the same time.
Just when I had made up my mind to stop him from playing the song, he began to sing the lyrics. His gruff, rocker voice put such a new twist on the old hymn that I shut my mouth, looked up and watched him in fascination. All those strange feelings left me as my heart began to flutter rapidly.
It was a song that I could have sung in my sleep â I'd heard it so many times before, but not like
this
. I didn't know if it was simply Aiden's voice or something more, but the words just moved me in a way I had never felt before. When he began the second verse, something strange took over me. Without a thought in my mind, I laid my guitar down, sat up a little straighter, and began to sing harmony along with him.