Healing Your Emotional Self (22 page)

This kind of self-flagellation can actually work temporarily. You are so focused on correcting your flaws that the deep feeling of not being okay gets masked for awhile. But over time you are further destroying your self-esteem and self-worth.

The only way to stop these self-attacks is to realize that every time you beat yourself up you are not only damaging your self-worth but you are also running away from reality. You are creating a fantasy in which you believe you can finally carve yourself into your personal ideal. But you cannot cut and hack yourself into shape. In fact, you are doing more harm than good. Self-attack actually reduces your capac- ity to change. It is only when you feel good about yourself that you feel motivated to make real changes.

Redirect Your Anger

Many people who were abandoned in childhood turn their rage over being abandoned against themselves in the form of self-blame, self-punishment, or self-loathing. If you are one of them, it is vitally

important that you work on redirecting your anger toward those who abandoned you.

When Nancy was six years old, her parents divorced. Nancy’s father moved across the country, and her mother left her in the care of her grandmother while she looked for work. She couldn’t find a job in their small town but was able to get one in a nearby city. Unfortunately, because she felt that the city was no place to raise a child, she left Nancy with her grandmother full time and visited her every weekend. Nancy grew up feeling abandoned by both her par- ents but particularly by her mother, whose visits became more and more infrequent.

As is typical of children, Nancy blamed herself for her mother’s abandonment. She felt that if she had been a better daughter, her mother would have wanted to take her back to the city. Each time Nancy’s mother left her, Nancy searched her brain, trying to discover what she had done wrong. As an adult, Nancy continued to blame her- self for her mother’s abandonment. She was convinced that there was something inherently wrong with her and that no man would want her because of it. When I met Nancy she was a lonely woman with few friends who tended to be terribly self-critical.

It didn’t take long to realize that Nancy needed to get angry at her mother for abandoning her and for not loving her enough to make time for her. She needed to recognize that her mother left her because she was selfish or not a good mother, not because Nancy was not a good daughter.

With some encouragement from me, Nancy was finally able to face the truth about her mother. In one of our role-playing sessions she was able to say to her mother, “I’m not worthless. You are the one who was worthless. You were a worthless mother.” In this session Nancy made a huge step toward her recovery.

Do you remember Tammy from chapter 2—the cutter? A signifi- cant part of her recovery was her acknowledgment of how angry she was at her abandoning father. Instead of internalizing the rejection and assuming that there must have been something wrong with her to cause her father to reject her, she was finally able to allow herself to get angry with him and to begin to recognize that it was he who had the problem.

Earlier I shared with you that Tammy hated to see her reflection in the mirror. As a matter of fact, she hated her image so much that sev- eral times in the past she had actually smashed mirrors—sometimes with her bare fists, other times by throwing an object at it. “I’d become enraged when I saw myself. I felt so unacceptable and unlovable. And I felt so guilty for the way I was treating myself [the cutting]. But I didn’t know how to stop myself.” By turning her righteous anger on her father instead of on herself, Tammy began to recognize that the prob- lem was not with her but with her father. “There is something wrong with him. After all, what kind of a father rejects his own daughter?”

Stop Protecting Your Parents

You met Greg in chapter 2. He was the boy whose mother suffered from severe headaches around him and who expected Greg to take care of her instead of the other way around. Greg needed to get angry at his mother for her neglect, but like many children of inadequate par- ents, he had a difficult time acknowledging his anger. Because their parents often behave like helpless or irresponsible children, adult chil- dren tend to feel protective of them and to jump to their parents’ defense if anyone criticizes them. “But they didn’t mean any harm” and “They did the best they could” are often the typical responses. This was the case with Greg. When I pointed out to him that his mother had abdicated her responsibilities to him, he became very angry—at me. “My mother couldn’t help it that she had those bad headaches. She was completely debilitated by them.” When I pointed out that he had told me that his mother never seemed to have those headaches when his father came home and that, in fact, she seemed to be miraculously cured just before his arrival, Greg countered with, “Well, maybe I was confused about that. Maybe it didn’t really happen that way.”

It took a while before Greg was able to understand that he had been forced to grow up too soon and that he had been robbed of a childhood. He needed to stop exhausting himself by taking care of his mother and start focusing on his own needs for a change. Once he did this, Greg noticed that he had a lot more energy. “I used to feel weighted down with responsibility. Now I feel a new freedom. For the first time in my life, I’m getting in touch with what I want and need at

any particular time. And I feel so much better about myself. My self- esteem used to always be tied in with how much my mother loved me and how much I was able to accomplish. Now my self-esteem comes from taking care of my own needs.”

Being Reminded of Your Value and Lovability

It is generally not a good idea to look outside of yourself in order to feel good about who you are. But people who experienced abandon- ment (and/or extreme criticism) as children tend to need external val- idation more than others. This need for external validation is understandable, because if you were abandoned by your parents you were
invalidated
. When the ones who are most important to you in your life don’t seem to love, value, or accept you, you will obviously feel unwanted and unworthy. As a result, you will feel desperate to be reassured that you are in fact lovable, valued, and appreciated. Although no one can bestow self-esteem on you, the validation of friends and lovers can help you feel better about yourself so that you can bestow esteem on yourself. In other words, using external valida- tion can become a tool for helping you raise your self-esteem.

Journaling Exercise: From External Validation to Self-Esteem

The next time you make a mistake or are overwhelmed with feel- ings of worthlessness for any reason, do the following journaling exercise:

1. Remember a time when you were acknowledged by friends, family, or others in your community for something you did well.
   

2. How did getting this feedback feel?
   

3. What do your friends seem to value most in you?
   

4. Think of a close friend. What do you imagine he or she might say if asked the question, “What do you value most about me?”
   

5. What do you value most about yourself?
   

6. Does your friend’s appraisal of you match your own? How?
   

7. Is there anything about yourself that you value but your friends don’t seem to recognize?
   

8. What additional qualities about yourself would you like others to recognize?
   

   12
   

   If You Were Overprotected or Emotionally Smothered
   

   Healing the “I Am Nothing without My Parent” Mirror
   

   You love me so much, you want to put me in your pocket.
   

   And I should die there smothered.
   

   —D. H. L
   AWRENCE
   

   O
   VERLY PROTECTIVE OR SMOTHERING
   parents tend to deprive their children of energy and an awareness of their own separate identity, leaving them no strength to grow and develop their unique personal- ities. Parents who refuse to let their children separate from them are actually restricting and limiting their child’s potential to make some- thing of themselves in the world. When a parent’s desire to protect goes too far, it can block the development of the child and severely limit his or her choices in the world.
   

   One of the primary problems adults who were overprotected or emotionally smothered tend to experience is difficulty separating and individuating from their parents. The term
   separation
   refers to the ability to have a clear psychic representation (an internal image and understanding) of the self as different from everyone else, espe- cially the mother. Many who were overly protected or emotionally
   

   204
   

   smothered, especially by their mothers, tend to continue to regard themselves as extensions of their mothers.
   

   Separation is especially difficult when parents are not able to let their children be separate and when they continue to consider them as extensions of themselves, discouraging any attempts on the children’s part to become separate. This is especially true of parents with narcis- sistic tendencies or a narcissistic personality disorder.
   

   The term
   individuation
   refers to identity formation. It is not sufficient just to separate; you also need to have a clear image and understanding of who you are. In order to do this, those who were overly protected or emotionally smothered often need to freely and consciously choose who they want to be instead of taking on certain characteristics, beliefs, values, and attitudes to please their parents.
   

   Narcissistic, overly protective, and emotionally smothering par- ents tend to insist on obedience, to foster dependency, and to quickly stomp on any signs of resistance and rebellion. But resisting and rebelling are often exactly what adult children of these kinds of par- ents need to do if they are to develop a separate sense of self.
   

   This was the case with Lupe, whom you met in chapter 2. She not only lacked the strength to stand up to her father and fight for what she wanted, but also she doubted her own ability to make the right decisions for herself. When I encouraged her to begin thinking for herself, she told me, “You know, my father is usually right about things. If I did what I wanted to do, I’d probably mess up my life.”
   

   It took many months of therapy before Lupe was able to admit that she resented her father’s smothering, controlling ways. It took even more therapy before she could express her anger toward him during role-playing sessions with me. Even then she felt a bit guilty about doing so. “I feel like a rebellious teenager—but I guess that’s appropriate, since I didn’t get to rebel as a kid.”
   

   Joshua: The Case of the “Momma’s Boy”
   

   Joshua is an eighteen-year-old who came to see me because of a recent breakup with his girlfriend. He had been suffering from depression ever since the relationship ended. “I just can’t seem to
   

   bounce back like I should. I’m still angry with my ex and I have no interest in getting involved with any other girls. I’ve even started won- dering whether I am capable of really loving another person.”
   

   Over the course of several weeks, Joshua and I delved deeper into his feelings. It turned out that he didn’t like himself very much. “I’m really disappointed in myself. There are so many things I want to do but I’m too afraid to try them.” We also explored his family back- ground. Joshua was raised by a workaholic father who seldom spent time with him and an overly controlling, smothering mother.
   

   “My mother worries a lot,” Joshua explained. “She wants to know what I am doing at all times—who my friends are and what we are doing. She monitors what I watch on TV and how I use the computer— not just the normal monitoring but in an extreme way. Ever since I was a little kid she always had chores for me to do, and if I resisted in any way she put a real guilt-trip on me about how overworked she was. I was the youngest of five kids. By the time she’d had me she was tired—I understood that. So I tried to help her out. But I had to do things just a certain way to please her. My brothers think I’m a momma’s boy because I stayed home with my mother so much. But it isn’t because I am so close to her—it is because I didn’t feel I had a right to my own life. And it was because my mother trained me to comply with her wishes. In reality I resent her for being so controlling. And I hate myself for not standing up to her more.”
   

   What Joshua discovered was that there was a connection between his strong dislike and disappointment in himself, his inability to really open up and care for another human being, and the way his mother controlled and monitored him. Because he couldn’t stand up to his mother and refuse her demands, Joshua didn’t respect himself. Because he didn’t respect himself but viewed himself as a weakling, he didn’t like himself—much less love himself. And because he wasn’t able to love himself, he couldn’t love anyone else. Making this connec- tion was very profound for Joshua.
   

   Now, as Joshua explained it, “I’m trying to break free.” He ques- tions things instead of just going along with his mother’s demands, and he doesn’t give in to his mother’s codependent behavior (like having to listen to her problems). He lets her know that while he understands her worries, she needs to begin to trust him, since he has proven to
   

   her time and again that he is trustworthy. He is finding that the more he stands up for himself with his mother, the more he is able to stand up to others. “I’m not the little weakling anymore,” he boasted one day. “I even stood up to my bully of a brother!”
   

   Joshua likes himself more and more as time goes by, and this is affecting his ability to care about others. “I’m not so angry with my ex- girlfriend anymore. In fact, I can see where she was coming from. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and she sensed it. I think I’ll be a lot more able to love in my next relationship because I like myself so much better.”
   

   Healing from Emotional Incest
   

   In order to heal from the damage of emotional incest, you first need to admit that you are a victim of it. This can be especially difficult, because many adults who had an emotionally incestuous parent are in denial or are unaware of the negative consequences of such a relation- ship. Instead, all they focus on are the things they gained from it, namely, extra privileges, a close relationship with a parent, praise and affection, shared confidences, and/or patient tutoring. After all, every child wishes he or she had this kind of special relationship with an opposite-sex parent.
   

   Questionnaire: Signs of Emotional Incest
   

   Read each of the following statements and put a checkmark next to the ones that apply to you. You may find it helpful to put the initials of the parent or caregiver next to each statement.
   

   1. I was a source of emotional support for one of my parents.
      

   2. I was “best friends” with a parent.
      

   3. When one of my parents left the home (either due to divorce, death, or long absences), I was told that I needed to take his or her place (for boys, to be “the man of the house,” or for girls, to “keep daddy company”).
      

   4. I was given special privileges or gifts by one of my parents.
      

   5. A parent told me that I was better company than his or her spouse.
      

   6. A parent told me that I understood him or her more than his or her spouse.
      

   7. A parent talked to me about his or her problems.
      

   8. A parent told me secrets and made me promise not to tell my other parent.
      

   9. One of my parents told me in confidence that I was his or her favorite child.
      

   10. One of my parents told me he or she wished my other parent was more like me.
       

   11. One of my parents felt lonely a lot and needed me to keep him or her company.
       

   12. I felt I had to protect or take care of one of my parents.
       

   13. A parent relied on me more than on any of my siblings.
       

   14. I felt responsible for my parent’s happiness.
       

   15. I sometimes feel guilty when I spend time away from one of my parents.
       

   16. I got the impression that a parent did not want me to move away from home or to marry.
       

   17. No one who ever dated me was good enough for one of my parents.
       

   18. One of my parents seemed to be overly concerned about my developing sexuality.
       

   19. I sometimes got the feeling that one of my parents had romantic or sexual feelings toward me.
       

   20. One of my parents made inappropriate sexual remarks or violated my privacy.
       

       If you answered yes to any of these questions, you probably had a codependent relationship with a needy parent. But if you con- sistently answered yes to these questions, you also suffered from emotional incest. This is especially true if you answered yes to questions 2 through 10 and 18 through 20.
       

       Confronting the fact that you were a victim of emotional incest and that there are indeed negative consequences to such extreme devotion can be unsettling. But by doing so you will gain insight into some of your most puzzling and troublesome emotional problems.
       

       What are the negative consequences, particularly as related to your self-esteem? According to Dr. Patricia Love, the author of
       The Emotional Incest Syndrome
       , and other experts on emotional incest, the major effects emotional incest has on self-esteem and self-image include:
       

       1. Self-image problems: dramatic shifts in self-esteem. You can be full of confidence one moment and overcome with inade- quacy the next.
          

       2. Excessive guilt over any and all of the following: taking a parent away from a partner, being treated better than your sib- lings, failing to live up to your parent’s expectations, wanting to break away from an overbearing or smothering parent (or man- aging to do so). All this guilt can eat away at your self-esteem.
          

       3. Chronic anxiety and fear of rejection owing to any of the fol- lowing: Your role as the chosen child or surrogate partner was always uncertain. Your bond with your parent was a secret, denied by your parent and the rest of the family as well. And you may have sensed that your role as surrogate spouse may have only been temporary. If your parents resolved their prob- lems, you may have been forced to return to your role as a child. Or one of your siblings may have replaced you, causing you to wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Aren’t I still special?” If your parent was married, you always had to step aside to make room for the legitimate marriage partner. For fear of becoming sexually involved, a parent of the opposite sex may withdraw when the child shows signs of sexual maturity, leaving the child to feel rejected. If you were able to develop some sense of independence from your parent, he or she may have been threatened by your emerging sense of self and may have become critical or rejecting.
          

       4. Your fundamental needs for nurturing and independence were ignored in favor of your parent’s need for intimacy and
          

          companionship. This may have left you feeling deprived and needy and yet feeling guilty for feeling these things. It also can cause you to minimize your own needs in favor of taking care of the needs of others.
          

       5. Your parent’s excessive interest in you may have created a need to be taken care of or paid attention to. When there is no one around to do things with you or for you, you may feel deprived.
          

       6. Your parent’s intense, inappropriate attention may have left you feeling confined and unable to develop your own self, and at your own pace.