Healing Your Emotional Self (24 page)

Continue to Develop Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

In order to cancel out all the negative esteem-robbing comments made to you by your controlling or tyrannical parents, you will need to continue to work on self-acceptance and self-love. You met my client Marilyn earlier in the book. (She was unable to look into the mirror other than a quick glance when she combed her hair or put on makeup.) When I suggested she try to look in the mirror for a slightly longer period of time, she balked. “I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t want to see myself. I’m ugly.” I kept encouraging Marilyn to try it, and gradually she was able to look at herself for longer periods of time. At first she hated the person she saw in the mirror, because she only saw the reflection of her parents’ disapproval toward her. But after allowing herself to feel and express her anger toward her par- ents and to give them back the projections they had placed on her, Marilyn began to see an entirely different person in the mirror, someone she actually began to like. Eventually, Marilyn was able to gaze into the mirror and say, “I love you”—an exercise I encourage you to practice as well.

Exercise: Mirror, Mirror

1. Look at yourself in the mirror (you can use a full-length mirror or a smaller one—whichever is the less threaten- ing). If you don’t like what you see, try to find at least one thing about yourself you like. Say out loud, “I like my eyes.” If you are like Marilyn and can’t look at yourself in the mir- ror without feeling self-hatred or contempt, try to find one thing about yourself you can feel neutral about and say, “I feel neutral about my neck.”
   

2. Do this over the course of several weeks until you have found at least five things about your face or body you can say you like or at least feel neutral about.
   

3. Look at your reflection and say to yourself, “I like you.” Even if you don’t mean it yet, say it anyway. Notice how you feel emotionally, what feelings come up in your body when you say this to yourself. If you hear a critical inner voice or a parent’s voice saying something negative like “How can you say you like yourself when you’re no good?” tell that voice, “Shut up!”
   

4. Repeat this exercise over the course of several weeks, at least once a week until you can say “I like you” to your reflection and really mean it.
   

   14
   

   If You Had Overly Critical, Shaming, or Perfectionistic Parents
   

   Healing the “I Am Bad,” “I Am Unacceptable,” and “I Am Not Good Enough” Mirrors
   

   I tell you there is such a thing as creative hate.
   

   —W
   ILLA
   C
   ATHER
   ,
   The Song of the Lark
   

   I
   N THIS CHAPTER WE WILL FOCUS
   on repairing the harm to self-esteem and self-image caused by overly critical, shaming, or perfectionistic parents. This will involve giving yourself permission to express your anger at your abusive parents and to work on ridding yourself of the shame instilled in you.
   

   Children respond differently to shaming. Some become angry and direct that anger outward, sometimes in the form of violence against other people. Others direct their anger inward, often leading to a vicious cycle of self-hatred in which the person becomes isolated and withdrawn in order to avoid the possibility of further rejection. The trauma associated with the pain of an intense shame response can
   

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   lead to all the phenomena we associate with a post-traumatic stress disorder.
   

   Because the wounds that result from the pain of shaming and rejection are especially difficult to heal, people who have experienced intense forms of this pain are often dominated by a desire to avoid fur- ther acts of shaming and rejection. They do this by building defensive walls around themselves that keep out rejection but at the same time keep out intimacy and love. In order to begin to tear down these walls, you will need to heal yourself of your shame.
   

   The first step is to understand exactly what that shame is and how to identify it in yourself. Identifying shame is not as easy as identifying some of our other emotions. When we feel strongly shamed, it is com- mon for us to want to hide from others. In fact, the word
   shame
   is thought to have derived from an Indo-European word meaning “to hide.” Here is how one of my clients described the feeling of being shamed: “I just wanted to dig a hole and hide in it.” Another client described feeling shamed like this: “ I just wish I could disappear. I’m so ashamed I can’t look anyone in the eye.”
   

   Checking in with your body can help you discover your shame. We tend to feel shame in our bodies as a
   sense of dread
   , an overwhelming desire to hide or cover our faces, or a pain in the pit of our stomachs. Some people blush, while others experience feelings of nervousness or a choking or suffocating sensation. Others experience what is called a
   shame attack
   , in which they feel completely overwhelmed with this sense of dread. Commonly reported by people having a shame attack include feelings of being dizzy or spacey, disoriented, and nauseated.
   

   Differentiate between Shame and Guilt
   

   Shame is often confused with guilt, but it is not the same emotion. When we feel guilt, we feel badly about something we did or neg- lected to do. When we feel shame, we feel badly about who we are. When we feel guilty, we need to learn that it is okay to make mistakes. When we feel shame, we need to learn that it is okay to be who we are. Another distinction between guilt and shame is that shame comes
   

   from public exposure to one’s own vulnerability, while guilt is private. It comes from a sense of failing to measure up to our own internal standards. When others “discover” or “know” that you were once help- less, you tend to feel ashamed. You also feel exposed. If, on the other hand, you feel you caused your own problems, you cease to feel as helpless or exposed. After all, you may reason, you brought your pain on yourself.
   

   Exercise: How Shame Has Affected You
   

   1. Think about how you have coped with the shame you endured in childhood. How did you defend against the shame?
      

   2. If you internalized the shame, think about the ways shame has affected your self-esteem.
      

   3. If you have externalized the shame, think about the ways you have projected your shame onto others.
      

   4. Notice what triggers shame in you today. Is it criticism from others, being called on your “stuff” (or as one client described it, “Having my covers pulled”), or is it being rejected?
      

   5. When are you most likely to feel shamed? Is it when you are feeling the most insecure? Is it when you are trying to impress someone?
      

   6. Who is most likely to trigger shame in you? Is it the people you care about the most? Or is it the ones you are trying to impress? How about the people you feel inadequate around or who have rejected you in the past?
      

If You Externalized Your Shame

Some people defend against shame by projecting it on others and by raging at them. If you tend to do this, particularly if you lash out at people or have sudden, unexpected fits of rage, pay attention to the ways in which you convert shame into anger. Do you put down other

people because you feel rejected by them? Do you go on a verbal ram- page in an attempt to shame anyone who dares to criticize you? Do you yell at anyone who makes you feel inadequate? Do you become difficult or insulting when you feel like a failure? Although it is painful to own up to such behavior, facing the truth will be the first step toward healing.

In order to break the shame/rage cycle, you will need to ask your- self, “What am I ashamed of?” each and every time you get angry. Think of your anger as a red flag, signaling the fact that you are feel- ing shame. This is especially true whenever you experience sudden bursts of anger or when you become enraged. It may be difficult to find your shame at first, and you may not be feeling shame each time you feel angry, but with some practice you will be able to recognize those times when you are feeling ashamed and discover what has trig- gered it. Once you’ve identified the shame/rage connection, you will need to break it. This means you have to stop yourself from becoming angry as a way of defending against your shame. Refer back to the information in chapter 5 on how to feel your shame, and then let it flow out of you. Later on in this chapter I provide suggestions for alle- viating your shame.

If You Internalized Your Shame

From Self-Blame to Anger

Self-blame and shame are closely related. Children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ behavior, no matter how inappropriate or abusive. Self-blame is also consistent with the way traumatized people of all ages tend to think. They search for faults in their own behavior in an effort to make sense out of what happened to them. When a child is chronically abused, neither time nor experience provide any corrective for this tendency toward self-blame; instead, it is continu- ally reinforced. The abused child’s sense of inner badness may be directly confirmed by parental scapegoating. Survivors frequently describe being blamed not only for their parents’ abusiveness or vio- lence but also for other family misfortunes.

Sometimes a child growing up in a blaming family will learn to blame herself—to internalize rather than externalize blame—as a way of avoiding blame from significant others. Such a person learns that if she is quick enough to blame herself, a parent’s accusations will sub- side or be altogether avoided. It is as though the child makes an implicit contract with the parent: I will do the blaming so you will not have to. In this way, the intolerable blaming, which induces shame in the child, is placed under the child’s own internal control. It becomes internalized in such a way that the child’s inner life is forever sub- jected to spontaneous self-blame.

If you have a tendency toward self-blame, turning your shame to anger can be a positive and powerful way to rid yourself of shame. Instead of taking the negative energy in, against yourself, the energy is directed outward, toward the person who is doing the shaming or causing the shame.

How to Rid Yourself of Shame

The following suggestions will help you begin working on alleviating or reducing your shame.

1. Accept the fact that you did not deserve the abuse or neglect.
   Tell yourself that nothing you did as a child warranted any kind of abuse or neglect that you experienced. If you continue to blame yourself for your parents’ inappropriate or inadequate behavior, you may need to get in touch with how vulnerable and innocent children are. Spend some time around children who were the age you were when you were neglected or emo- tionally abused. Notice how vulnerable and innocent children really are, no matter how mature they try to act.
   

2. Tell significant others about the abuse and neglect you experi- enced.
   As the saying goes, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” By keeping hidden from your close friends and family the fact that you were emotionally abused or neglected as a child, you perpetuate the idea that you are keeping it secret because
   you
   did something wrong. By sharing your experience with some- one you love and trust (your partner, a close friend, a therapist,
   

   members of a support group), you will get rid of the secret and get rid of your shame.
   

3. Give back your parent’s shame.
   When a parent abuses a child, it is often because he or she is in the middle of a shame attack. In essence, the parent is projecting his or her shame onto the child. While the abuse is taking place, the child often feels the shame of the abuser and is overwhelmed by it—causing the child to actually take on the shame of the abuser. You may have been told many times by your therapist, or by your friends and loved ones, that the abuse or neglect you endured was not your fault. Now is the time to start believing it. Releasing your anger toward your parents or other abusers will help you stop blaming yourself, because the abuser is the appropriate target for your anger. In getting angry at your abusers, you will affirm your innocence.
   

4. Trade self-criticism for compassion and self-acceptance.
   In order to heal your shame, it is very important that you trade your tendency to be impatient or self-critical for compassion for yourself. Remember the way you felt when your parents talked to you in an impatient or critical way. Take out pictures of yourself when you were a child and remind yourself that you were an innocent, vulnerable child who did not deserve to be insulted, humiliated, criticized, or shamed for just being who she or he was. Continue to work on replacing the critical or demanding voice inside your head with a more nurturing, compassionate inner voice. Having compassion for yourself will give you the strength and motivation to change, whereas self-criticism will only continue to tear you down.
   

5. Stop comparing yourself to others.
   People with a great deal of shame react to the awareness of differences between them- selves and others by automatically translating it into a compar- ison of good versus bad, better versus worse. Rather than valuing the differences, they feel threatened by them. But nei- ther you nor the other person needs to emerge as the lesser if your awareness of your differences can remain just that—dif- ferences to be owned and valued.
   

6. Expect others to accept you as you are.
   In order to heal your shame, you also need to consciously work on believing that it is okay to be who you are. This means you need to stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not okay the way you are. Surround yourself with people who like and accept you just as you are, as opposed to people who are critical, judg- mental, perfectionistic, or otherwise shaming. Open up and deepen your relationships with these people. When someone treats you well, make sure you absorb it. When someone does something nice for you or says something nice about you, take a deep breath and let in the good feelings. When you are alone, remember the positive or kind things the person said or did.
   

How to Deal with a Shame Attack

If you are having a full-blown shame attack, you may need to talk to a
trusted
friend or someone else close to you (your therapist, your spon- sor, a member of your support group, someone at a hotline). Explain that you are having a shame attack and that you are feeling horrible about yourself. Don’t blame the person who triggered your shame for making you feel bad (unless it is the same person who shamed you horribly as a child), but take responsibility for your own shame. Try to make a connection between this current incident and what it is reminding you of (from childhood, or from a more recent traumatic shaming). Ask the person to remind you that you are not a horrible person. If it is someone close to you, ask him or her to remind you of your positive attributes.