Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling (24 page)

“About making her promises. You don’t know if her foster parents will allow you to talk to her on the phone, let alone see her again.”

Her body went stiff. “It’s none of your business.”

She had a point, but she was emotional, not thinking clearly. He raised a hand to quiet the anger in her eyes, but she backed away from him.

“I know you want to change things for her, but it’s not as simple as handing her your phone number.” Chances were the girl’s foster parents wouldn’t allow it. Then Brooklyn would only be disappointed again.

“You think I don’t know that?” Ruby seethed. “I know it’s not simple. I know that better than anyone. Certainly better than you.”

“I know you see yourself in her, but—”

“Don’t.” Her head shook. And that was no blush on her face. It was pure anger. “Don’t say that. You don’t know anything about me.”

“That’s because you won’t let me.” He stomped over, anger filling him until it felt like it would brim over. Because someone else had hurt her, someone else had wounded her so deep that he couldn’t undo the damage. “I
want
to know you. I want
you
.” Didn’t she know that? Hadn’t he made that clear? This wasn’t about getting her into bed…

“If you knew, you wouldn’t want me,” she whispered.

“If I knew what?” he demanded. God, she was so confusing. Why did she think it would matter to him that someone else had hurt her? That wasn’t her fault…

She simply shook her head, her shimmery green eyes brimming with tears. “There’s so much you don’t know.”

Risking another chance for her to push him away, he pulled her close. “Then tell me. I can handle it, Ruby.” After she gave him details about the son of a bitch who’d beat her up, he might have to go tear down a tree or wrestle a damn bear, but he wanted to know. He wanted to know why she shuddered when he got too close. He wanted all the facts so he knew how to prove himself to her.

She wrenched free of his grip. “I can’t. I want to but I can’t.”

Yes, she could! That was bullshit. Frustration swelled and, damn it, he didn’t care about protecting Paige’s confession anymore. “It’s not your fault.” Why couldn’t she see that? “You didn’t deserve it. No one deserves to be abused by someone who’s supposed to love them.”

Ruby stumbled backward, her eyes now as red as her face. “How do you know?”

“I don’t know.” He wanted to follow her, to touch her, to calm her, but he stood his ground. “Not much anyway.”

“Have you been checking up on me?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer. “You said you wouldn’t. You said you didn’t have to do a background check.”

Damn it.
They were back to that. Now he didn’t have a choice. He’d have to out Paige so Ruby wouldn’t think he’d lied to her. “I didn’t do a background check. I asked Paige.”

She stared at the ground in disbelief. “Paige told you…?”

“She didn’t tell me much. She only said she suspected that your ex hurt you.” And did Ruby really blame her for saying something? “Your friends care about you.
I
care about you.” Everything he’d seen from Ruby over the past couple of days had told him she was loyal and softhearted. More authentic than anyone he’d ever met. Even with her secrets. She was worth fighting for. He simply had to learn how to win her over.

She completely ignored his confession and turned away again. “I can’t believe this.”

His feet itched to chase her but he knew enough to stay put. “She wants to help you. So do I.”

“I don’t need your help,” Ruby muttered, though the tears streaking down her cheeks made her look very much like a woman who needed to be rescued. “I don’t want your help, Sawyer. With anything.” It was obvious that she was trying to be strong, but it would’ve been a lot more convincing if the words hadn’t been a whimper. “Leave me alone,” she muttered, her voice breaking. Then she tromped away and headed up the hill toward the lodge.

This time, he let her go.

S
he had to leave.

Ruby tore three suitcases out of her closet and tossed them onto the bed.

Right at her feet, Nellie chomped on her squeak toy like she was nervous.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.

“You’re gonna kill that thing, sweetie.” Sitting on the edge of the bed, she lifted the dog into her lap, running her hand over that soft fur until Nellie rested her head on Ruby’s leg.

“Everything’ll be fine,” she murmured. Once they got out of here. She couldn’t stay. Not when Sawyer knew the truth. It was only a matter of time until he brought everything to the light, and she couldn’t let him do that. Derek was dangerous. Violent. The most skilled liar she’d ever seen. And she would not stay and watch Sawyer go up against him. She would not ruin his plans to move to Denver. She would not let him give up anything for her.

She glanced at the overflowing closet and then back at the suitcases on the bed. When she’d come to Aspen those three suitcases had held all her personal belongings. She had known she wouldn’t have much time to pack when Derek had left for his shift that day. There hadn’t been much that belonged to her, anyway. But now, in one year, she’d accumulated so much more. Memories of the first happy place she’d been her whole life, and she didn’t want to leave them behind.

Sighing, she scooted Nellie off her lap. “We’re gonna need some boxes.”

According to the clock, it was well past midnight. Somehow she’d made it through dinner with the kids, then helped Elsie clean up. Sawyer was noticeably absent the entire evening, and she didn’t blame him. She hadn’t gone looking for him, either. It was in his best interest to stay away from her. She’d toyed with him, though she hadn’t meant to. And now she had to get away before she did any more damage.

“I’ll be back in a little while, Nellie.” She stood and found a chewy stick for the dog, tossing it on her bed. “You sit tight, sugar. With any luck, we’ll be able to drive out of here first thing in the morning.” But that meant she’d have to get enough boxes to pack everything up.

Luckily Elsie kept a stash in the ranch kitchen’s storage room.

The drive felt lonely. It was so dark. No one was out on the roads. Even the stars hid under a thick blanket of clouds. As she pulled off onto the Walker Mountain Ranch’s driveway, her eyes teared up.

She’d miss this place. There was no way she’d ever find what she’d found here, but in some ways she’d known she wouldn’t be able to stay forever. That didn’t happen for people like her. The Walker Mountain Ranch had been exactly what she’d needed last year. Now it was time for her to move on.

Inhaling deeply, she sought the strength she’d need to walk away. That would be best for Sawyer. That’s what she had to focus on. This was how she could protect him. This was the only way she could protect them all.

Ruby parked the car in front of the office and got out. She zipped up her fleece against the cold night air. Small clouds puffed from her mouth. Glancing around to make sure the place was deserted, she tromped toward the lodge. The clouds above her looked as heavy as her shoulders felt.

She hated to leave the kids without saying good-bye. Especially Brooklyn. But Sawyer was right. She couldn’t make Brooklyn any promises. She wasn’t even living her own life. She was living Ruby James’s life. Not Kate McPherson’s. How could someone who was hiding from her past—from the world—ever make a difference in a child’s life?

She couldn’t. She couldn’t even do anything for herself. How could she expect to do anything for Brooklyn?

Instead of heading around the back of the lodge to the kitchen door, she crept across the porch and unlocked the main door. Checking over her shoulder, she slipped inside the entryway and flicked on the overhead lights. The room breathed its welcome through the homey touches that Bryce and Avery had so carefully selected. The large framed pictures of the staff and guests building happy memories that were changed out every year. The potted dwarf pine trees clustered in the corners. She drifted past the famous coatracks that looked like leafless trees and ambled into the great room. The fireplace towered in the center, the colorful rock making it look like a beautiful wall of stone.

She’d sat on that hearth so many times throughout the long winter, sipping hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps with the girls, listening to Elsie and Bryce tell stories about the lodge’s earliest days as the evening stretched into night. Those moments had made her feel like she was part of their family, part of something larger and more profound. Her whole life she’d dreamed of having those deep connections, and she’d found them at the Walker Mountain Ranch.

A sense of grief swallowed her heart, making it limp and lifeless in her chest.

Her gaze fell to the rustic picture that hung on the wall next to her. It was an old pallet Avery had found in the shed. She’d sanded it and then painted a mountain scene across the bottom. The words she’d stenciled along the top gripped Ruby in a way they never had before.
Every heart comes alive in the mountains.

That had been true for her. Although it wasn’t only the mountains that revived her. When she’d come here, she’d been a shell of a person and everyone had embraced her, Paige and Avery and Elsie. Sawyer. They’d filled her up again. They’d helped her find her strength. And now she’d have to use that gift they’d given her to embrace a new life. They’d been so generous to her, she’d been able to save money. She could go to California now. She could—

“What’re you doing?”

Her same heart, the one that had felt cold and empty only seconds before, leapt to life again, aching, beating too hard at the sound of Sawyer’s voice behind her. She didn’t turn. Couldn’t. How would she face him? How could she tell him she was running away from him?

“Ruby…what’re you doing in here?” he asked again, the words three parts fear and one part accusation. “It’s the middle of the night.”

She forced herself to turn around.

Sawyer stood under the antler chandelier. He was dressed in sweats but no shirt. Hair mussed like he’d just rolled out of bed and run right over here.

“What’re
you
doing here?” She sent his own question back to him so she wouldn’t have to answer it.

“I couldn’t sleep so I got up and went into the kitchen. Then I looked out the window and saw the light on, and I thought—”

He’d thought he would find out who was behind the thefts. That’s why he’d come so fast.

Heat gathered on her face. “I know how this looks.”

The mouth that had been so soft and generous with hers pulled tight. “Why are you sneaking around?”

She could tell him that she’d lost something. Or that she’d forgotten to finish something in the kitchen so she had to come back. But she was so damn tired of lying to him. She sighed out the sadness that clouded her lungs, hoping he wouldn’t come closer, because if he did—if he touched her—she knew she wouldn’t be able to go through with this. “I came to get some boxes,” she said, shocked at how indifferent she could make herself sound.

“Boxes,” he repeated, taking long strides as though he wanted to look into her eyes for proof.

“From the storage room. Elsie keeps extras in there.”

“Why do you need boxes?” he asked, but he already knew. She could tell from the way his shoulders tensed. Like he was bracing himself.

“I have to go.” Tears bathed her eyes in warmth, but she wouldn’t let them fall. She’d be strong the way he taught her. She’d do what was best for everyone. “I’m sorry, Sawyer. But I have to.” And that was all she could say. If she opened her mouth to speak one more syllable, she would shatter.

“When will it stop?” Sawyer didn’t seem to sense her fragility. He stormed over to her.

“What?” she squeaked, shrinking back so he wouldn’t touch her. If he pulled her into his arms she wouldn’t be able to walk away.

“If you run from here and go someplace else, you’ll have to run again,” he said, passion flaring in his blue eyes. “That’s not a life, Ruby.”

She stumbled back. Distance. She needed distance and clarity. “I can’t stay.” Fire roared up her throat. He didn’t understand the danger. “If anything happened to any of you, I’d never forgive myself. Never.”

“You deserve more than this.” He swallowed the distance between them with two easy steps and she had nowhere else to run. “You deserve a place. A family.” His hands clasped hers and he towed her in closer. “You deserve to be loved.”

His touch completely disarmed her, quieting the chaos, softening her knees in that lovely, lazy way.

“Whatever it is—
who
ever it is—I’m not afraid,” Sawyer insisted, his thumbs grazing over her knuckles in a soothing caress. “Which means you don’t have to be afraid, either. You’re not on your own anymore, Ruby. You don’t have to face anything alone.”

She searched his fathomless blue eyes. They held so much. No one had ever said something like that to her. She’d always been alone. Never more alone than when she was with Derek. But Sawyer meant it. She saw the emotion in his eyes, heard the catch in his voice, the sound of faithful sincerity. So authentic. Maybe it was because of all he’d lost. “Kaylee had everything in you,” she whispered, resting her palm on his cheek. “And she let you go. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not.” The words scraped with a rough edge. “If she hadn’t let me go, I wouldn’t be standing here. With you.”

A breath hitched, stinging her body with anticipation as he lowered his face to hers.

His gentle eyes held her gaze. “Can I kiss you, Ruby?
Really
kiss you?”

She knew why he was asking. Because she pulled away and ran from him so easily. But not this time. This time she would stay. She would let her heart pound until it felt like it would burst. She would let his touch take her places she’d likely never been. “Yes.” She bit her lip and drew out the word, savoring it.
Yes.
That simple word shoved everything else aside—her pretend name, her bruised memories, the dog she’d hidden away at home, the lies she’d told.

His half smile bloomed into a grin and he closed his lips over hers, enveloping all of her in a soft, lovely warmth. It was gentle, careful, and precise, as he had always been with her. Fully in control. But she wasn’t. The feel of his lips pressed into hers, of the stubble that scuffed her cheek, ignited every cell until they glittered with heated light. His hands slid up her back, caressing her again, the pure pleasure of it contorting her body. His chest rose against hers and his hands cradled her cheeks, his lips gently prying hers open until his tongue slid into her mouth and shut out everything else.

All she could think about was being in his arms, against his solid form, safe and wanted.

He pulled away. “Come back to my cabin…”

She knew what he was asking. He wanted her to trust him with her secrets, maybe even more than he wanted her body. And it was time. Yes, it was time.

“Let’s go,” she whispered, nodding before she lost the courage. “Of course I’ll come with you.” After everything he’d given her, all he’d done for her, he deserved to know why she hid.

She only hoped he didn’t change his mind about her when he knew the truth.

Before he’d gotten married, Sawyer’s mom had given him only one piece of advice.
Learn how to listen,
she’d said.
Learn how to listen first without speaking and you’ll have a good marriage.

He hadn’t taken her advice. Maybe if he had, he and Kaylee would’ve known each other better, maybe they would’ve developed the intimacy he already felt with Ruby.

But listening was hard when there were things you didn’t want to hear. Or that you were afraid to hear. Listening was hard when silence pounded against your eardrums. With Kaylee he’d always tried to fill it, but now, sitting next to Ruby on the soft leather couch, he choked back words that tempted him to speak—
you don’t have to tell me anything except for the bastard’s name and I’ll take care of the rest
—and let the silence give her the space she needed. Because he knew she needed to tell him. After he’d told Bryce about losing the baby, he’d felt this enormous burden lift. He hadn’t even realized how much the weight of it had been crushing him. Now he wondered how he’d even carried it so long alone. Since telling Bryce, things had changed. While he still felt the loss, it seemed more like a healing wound than a cross he had to carry through life.

He was tempted to tell Ruby that—how freeing it is to share your pain with someone—but again, that wouldn’t be listening. She didn’t need any lectures. Right now she only needed someone to listen. So as hard as it was, he embraced the silence and sipped the coffee he’d brewed to give them both a second wind.

Ruby sipped hers, too. She hadn’t said anything since they’d sat down, and while it felt like a damn eternity, it probably hadn’t been more than five minutes. Five long, silent minutes. She sat straight, her body pulled taut as though she wanted to be ready to run. Her hands were frozen around the mug, her knuckles white. God, he couldn’t stand it, the blank look in her eyes, the paleness that drained the life from her face. She’d gone back to that place, he could see it. She was relieving every horrifying moment.

He leaned over and took away her mug, set it on the coffee table. Then he held her hand, threading their fingers together, hoping it was enough to bring her back.

She blinked but didn’t look at him. “I was going to leave because…” A swallow seemed to stick in her throat. “…I can’t risk him finding me,” she whispered. “Then he would find you. And Elsie. And Bryce and Avery.” Her hand trembled against his. “I can’t let anything happen to you, Sawyer. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

Anger flowed in, rising into a seething hatred. The son of bitch was still controlling her. He’d traumatized her into thinking he should have a place in her life forever…

Sawyer kept his eyes focused on Ruby’s broken face so he wouldn’t let the rage overpower him. She needed him to keep his shit together, no matter how much he wanted to launch himself off the couch and tear that man apart with his own hands. “Who is he?” he asked, binding the words in a fragile restraint.