Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling (25 page)

“That’s why I wanted to leave.” Ruby’s head cranked slowly until she gazed at him. “Because you can’t fix it. And I knew you’d want to try.” Huge tears bubbled out of her eyes, but she didn’t wipe them away. “I don’t want it fixed for me. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to remember. I only want to move on.”

But she did remember. That man had victimized her. He closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling until his pulse stabilized.
Focus on Ruby.
Only on Ruby. He could deal with the monster later. “How long were you with him?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her against him, holding her so she would feel safe and protected.

The back of her head rested against his chest. “Um. It was a couple of years.” Anguish suffocated the words. “We were engaged.”

He tightened his arms around her as if that would help hold her together. God, he wished it would. He wished he could put back all her broken pieces…

“He was great. At first,” she went on. “I had no family. Only a few friends, who were pretty bad news.”

And he took advantage of that. Men like that knew; they could spot vulnerability fifty miles away. Sawyer inhaled against her hair, breathing in the faint scent of coconut. He held on to that fragrance because it kept him there, with her. Instead of letting him plot and strategize that sorry-ass-excuse-for-a-man’s demise.

“I met him at the bar where I was a waitress.” Her voice had gained strength, a note of indifference, like she was trying to distance herself from it all. “We started dating and he did everything right. He treated me like a queen. Then we got engaged and I moved in with him.” Her hand slipped into his. It had started trembling again, as though she’d suddenly gotten cold. “That’s when everything changed. The first time he hit me, I thought it was an accident. He begged me to forgive him and swore it would never happen again.”

The hatred prowled again, stalking the outskirts of his thoughts, tempting him to say something, tempting him to make threats against the man who’d cut her so deeply. Instead Sawyer stroked her hair, focusing on the softness, on the feel of her in his arms. “But it did happen again,” he prompted.

She nodded against his shoulder. “It got worse. The littlest things would set him off, and I…didn’t know what to do. A couple of times I called the police, but he was a—”

The words died out suddenly.

He sat up, gently turning her face to his. “He was a what?”

Her eyes strayed. “He was…um…well-liked. People in the community knew him, so he always smoothed it over. No one really believed me.”

“God, Ruby.”
God
. The anger boiled in his gut now, hot and fierce, threatening to spill over. He kissed the top of her head. As long as he was touching her, he could fight the drive to make her ex suffer as badly as she had.

“The last time he came after me, he said he’d kill me if I told anyone.” She leaned against his chest again, as though she was so exhausted that she couldn’t hold herself up anymore. “He said he knew how to make it look like an accident.”

Which meant it was about power. The guy got off on being in control. He wasn’t even worth the rage. Not worth that effort. Sawyer had learned to fight with the law, and he knew justice was the ultimate punishment. The only punishment that mattered. That’s how he’d ruin this man. He’d hold him accountable. Someday. When the time was right, he would find him and make sure he saw the inside of a prison cell.

“That’s when I ran,” Ruby murmured. “I packed up all my stuff when he was at work and I just started driving.”

He bent and lowered his lips next to her ear. “I’m so glad you did.” Glad. That wasn’t nearly enough to describe it. Relieved. Happy, too, because she’d ended up here. With him. She’d ended up with all of them. And they needed her as much as she needed them.

She peered at him over her shoulder. “I know you’re not him. But sometimes…physically…it’s hard to forget the way he hurt me.”

He wouldn’t forget it, either. She might not let him track the bastard down tomorrow. But he would. Eventually. And he’d make him pay.

“Don’t leave, Ruby.” He straightened and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing her, begging her. “You belong here. At the Walker Mountain Ranch. With your family.” With him.

He’d expected that sweet smile of hers in response, but instead she pulled her hand from his and scooted to the opposite side of the couch.

The distance left him cold. Had he misread things?

“There’s something else you should know.” Her shoulders steeled, as though she was bracing herself again. “I can’t have children. It’s not possible.”

His stomach clenched, emptying him from the hope he’d felt. Because that’s how her eyes looked. Empty and hopeless.

“When I was fourteen, I had an ovarian cyst.” Her voice wavered, but there were no tears in her eyes, which somehow made it worse. Like she’d accepted her fate to be completely alone in the world for the rest of her life…

“My foster parents at the time didn’t believe me. They thought I was trying to get attention, so they never took me to the doctor.”

All the anger he’d held off before swarmed him. “That’s neglect.” How could someone do that? How could a parent keep a helpless child from getting the care they needed?

She shrugged like he didn’t know the half of it. “The cyst ruptured, and they finally brought me to the hospital. But there were complications.” The words didn’t waver at all, but tears slipped down her cheeks. Just a couple, then she whipped a Kleenex out of the box on the coffee table and blotted her eyes like she wanted to be done grieving. “Turns out I have endometriosis.”

A shard of her grief splintered into him. She said it like that meant she’d been damaged, like she thought it excluded her from ever being loved. “I don’t care.” Sawyer followed her to the other side of the couch, lifted her chin, and stroked her face. “That doesn’t matter to me,” he murmured, pinning her eyes with his so she’d know it was the truth. “There are other ways to have kids, Ruby.” Hell, his cousin Chase had married his partner, Robert, two months ago and they’d already found a surrogate. And his buddy at the station just adopted twin girls from Haiti.

“But I can’t have a baby,” she repeated, her voice hoarse with pain. “Not your baby.” Her face hardened with the same resolve he’d seen in the pool, on the ropes course, when he’d accused the kids of stealing. And that right there was what made her so remarkable. When she believed she knew what was best, she didn’t give up. She fought hard. But she was wrong this time. His life would be better with her in it, he already knew that. And there was no way in hell she’d convince him otherwise.

“You deserve a baby, Sawyer. I could never give that to you,” she said, her strength breathing through.

But she didn’t have to be so strong and she didn’t have to carry that alone. He studied her, seeing all the things he loved most—her compassion, her courage and vulnerability, her conviction. The feelings he had for her gathered like a warm ray of the mountain sun in his chest and brought a smile to his face. “It doesn’t have to be a baby. I only wanted a family.” And she knew better than anyone what that meant, what a family should be, because she’d always dreamed of having one of her own. He knew she’d never take it for granted.

Her jaw pulled tight, trying to ward off the tears, it seemed, but she failed. They fell faster, bringing with them soft sobs that made him hurt. But they were necessary, too, those sobs. She had to let the grief flow out so she could make room for joy. He knew.

That’s why he held her tight, pulling her down to lie with him on the couch, murmuring over her, stroking her skin, telling her it was okay. Everything was okay. He didn’t know much, but he knew everything would be okay as long as he had her with him.

That was the last thing he whispered before she fell asleep.

T
here hadn’t been a day in her life when Ruby didn’t want the sun to come up. Until today. But it had anyway. For the past hour—since she’d seen the very beginnings of light smudge the sky pink, she’d remained still, more still than she’d ever been in her life.

Sawyer spooned her on the couch, his chest a solid, protective wall against her back. His rhythmic breathing had lulled her body into peace and hope and more love than she’d felt for anyone, ever. After everything she’d shared with him last night, the world looked different. It wasn’t only the way that the early-morning sun rays peeked through the window, illuminating everything in their soft light. It was the fact that, maybe for the first time in her life, she felt safe. And she didn’t want that feeling to end. So she’d lain against him, unmoving, staring out the window on the opposite wall watching light chase away the darkness.

Her careful stillness didn’t matter, though, because Sawyer stirred, then slipped his arms around her. “What time is it?” he asked, the words almost a whisper in her ear.

And she knew she had to answer, no matter how badly she didn’t want to. “Six-thirty.”

“Did you sleep?” he asked, his fingers playing with her hair.

Her eyes closed, but happy tears still gathered. “Yes.” She’d slept off and on, but then she’d wanted to keep herself awake so she could feel him next to her, wrapped around her.

It couldn’t last forever, though. Not when they both had other responsibilities. Ruby sat up. It was like tearing herself away from the warmest, coziest blanket she’d ever snuggled with. “You have to work today.”

“Yes.” He groaned as though that was the worst news he’d ever heard. “I have to be at the station by eight.” He pulled himself to a sitting position, dark hair all bedraggled and adorable, t-shirt twisted and wrinkled, and it was so intimate and lovely waking up with him this way. She wanted to break the clock that hung on the opposite wall and wrap herself back into him forever.

A small, knowing smile quirked his mouth. He’d read her mind. “Good morning, Ruby,” he murmured, lowering his face to hers. “You’re beautiful in the morning, by the way.”

She doubted it—already she could feel her frizzy hair tickle her face, but this moment was so beautiful that she chose to ignore her serious case of bedhead. “Morning, Sawyer,” she managed, heart gasping with sweet desperation.

Holding her cheek against his palm, he kissed her softly, almost innocently, but the delicious pressure of his lips against hers made her face feverish.

“I’ll go take a shower, then I’ll make you breakfast,” he said, rising from the couch as though he was suddenly in a hurry to get away from her.

“Breakfast,” she repeated, admiring his startling physique. And wondering if his haste had something to do with the way his jeans strained at his crotch. He was being careful with her again.

“I don’t cook much, but I make the best pancakes.” His chin dipped slightly and his eyes raised as though he was tempting her. “Trust me. They’re mind-blowing.”

They very well might’ve been, but it wasn’t exactly pancakes that she wanted blowing her mind at the moment. “I can’t wait,” she said, lifting her lips and brows into her own tempting expression. Because she didn’t plan on being careful with Sawyer. Not anymore. Last night he’d taken her very heart in his hands, proving he would guard it and protect it in a way no one else ever had. She’d told him things she’d never told anyone else, and even though she hadn’t disclosed everything, his sheer compassion, the way he’d held her and let her cry, had rooted their connection so deeply inside of her.

She’d never
wanted
to make love to a man before. After seeing Mama fall into bed with all the losers in her life, Ruby had guarded herself closely. Until Derek. And the thought of making love to him used to make her physically sick. When he’d start throwing out hints, she’d have to escape to the bathroom and throw up before he cornered her and took what he wanted.

Over time she’d learned how to disconnect, so that he only had her body. Sex had been empty and terrifying. But after last night she yearned for Sawyer. She needed to be with him. She needed to lose herself in the passion that had already flared with that light brush of his lips against hers. It had inflamed all of her, both body and heart, and made her writhe with a frantic longing she’d never experienced.

“Give me ten minutes,” he said, already turning away from her.

“Ten minutes,” she repeated, letting him think he would leave her behind. But she’d only give him two, just long enough to get himself undressed, then she’d follow him and offer herself over, knowing that, for the first time in her life, it would be real. All of her. Heart, mind, body, soul. Everything.

Seconds seemed to slow as she watched the clock’s long arm strut past blurred numbers. God, it must the slowest clock in the world. Maybe it was broken. She forced herself to remain on the couch, though an aching desire simmered low and deep. Already her breasts were tingling, the softness between her thighs throbbing. For Sawyer. For the way she knew he could love her…

Forty-five seconds and she couldn’t sit still. Not anymore. A daze settled on her as she quietly made her way down the hall, into the master bedroom. Evidence of Sawyer was spread around the room—tennis shoes on the floor, a stack of books on the bedside table—but it wasn’t messy, only lived in.

The sound of the shower beyond the bathroom door lured her closer. Steam curled through the opening.

She was sure her heart would float away as she pushed through and stepped inside.

The door creaked behind her.

Sawyer had already made it into the shower. She could see only the outline of his muscular body standing underneath the spray, but even that was enough to dissolve her knees.

Bracing a hand against the wall, she crept closer. “Sawyer?”

His body froze. Then he wiped a hand against the glass, clearing away the fog.

She smiled, hoping it looked seductive and not terrified. “Do you want some company?” Her throat had gone hoarse. But it wasn’t shyness. It was the force of her love for him weakening everything else. Even her ability to speak.

The glass door swung open and he stepped into view.

Wow.
Wow.
He was beautiful, all hard muscle and firm skin. Dark hair sprinkled the right places on his defined chest. Her gaze lowered, following the dark trail past his hip bones and down to his erection, which was still flexed and straining.

Happy to see he hadn’t taken care of that, yet.

Seeing that he desired her the same way she wanted him brought that warm surge of pleasure tingling through her again. Her breasts felt full and warm, ready for his touch,
aching
for his touch…

Sawyer stayed where he was, droplets of water coursing down his wet body. “Only if you’re ready, Ruby,” he said low and quiet. “Only if you want to.”

“I wouldn’t be standing here if I didn’t want this, Sawyer. If I didn’t want you.” But words were not enough to express how much she wanted him, so she pulled her t-shirt over her head and dropped it, letting it puddle on the floor beside her. Her heart whooshed with an onslaught of blood that tempted her to hurry, but she moved slowly, spurred on by the mesmerized way Sawyer watched her, his eyes roaming her body, his broad shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths.

Slowly she unbuttoned her jeans, then seductively slid them down, keeping her gaze fused with Sawyer’s as she wiggled her hips.

His eyes seemed darker, heavy. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me,” he uttered in a way that made her want to do so much more.

Without speaking, she hooked her fingers through her white lace underwear and peeled them down until they slid to the floor. Then she stepped out of them, flinging them to the side with her foot. Arching her back in a way that made Sawyer suck in a breath, she unclipped her bra and tugged the straps off her shoulders, saving the cups that covered her for last.

Sawyer said nothing, but his hooded eyes pleaded with her to hurry, to reveal everything and abandon herself into his arms.

Hurry. Yes. She was torturing herself as much as she was torturing him. Unable to prolong the torment, she let the bra fall away from her body.

“Finally,” Sawyer gasped, reaching out his hand.

She took it and let him pull her into the shower.

Hot water sprayed down on her, enhancing the sensations that already danced across her body.

“I love your curves,” he uttered helplessly, smoothing his hands across the arc of her lower abdomen while he kissed her shoulder, then her neck, then her nipple…

Each light touch of his lips on her skin left behind a tantalizing heat, engraving both her body and her heart.

He stepped back, his hungry eyes following the contours of her body, fixated first on her breasts, then on her hips like he wanted to savor the details.

Except she’d already been waiting too long. The sensations that had been torturing her since she’d woken up only intensified, infusing her with a passionate desperation.

“Come here,” she murmured, clasping both of his hands in hers and towing him closer. Pressing her body against his, she kissed him, not soft and light like she had before, but hungry and frantic, gasping into his mouth. Water showered down on them, steam clouding the air. And it was so hot. So damn hot the way his tongue caressed hers, the way their bodies fused together. His erection pressed into her stomach and made her nipples quiver against his chest.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard,” Sawyer growled. He gathered her hair in his hands and kissed his way down her neck, over her breasts, sucking and nipping, devouring her skin with the same urgency that coursed through her.

Elation hurtled into her lungs, pumping them faster, making them feel like they would burst open. “It’s never felt like this,” she breathed, somehow finding enough air. “I didn’t even know…” It could feel this way. Every sense heightened and engaged, so exhilarating it was almost overwhelming.

“I’m gonna make you feel everything,” Sawyer panted, kissing his way down her neck, her sternum. Taking her backside in his hands, he lowered to his knees and tasted his way down her stomach, then lower, swirling his tongue against her inner thigh.

Now she couldn’t draw in a breath. There wasn’t enough air for how fast her lungs worked.

Sawyer spread her legs with his hand, grazing the folds of her skin, sending an electrical current all through her.

“Lordy,” she hissed, and he laughed, the vibration of his voice working its way over her, into her. Then his tongue. Oh, sweet mercy, his tongue. It dipped into her, soft and hot, riveting every cell in her body with breathless anticipation. Bracing her hands against the tiled wall, she clenched herself tight as his tongue moved over her, slicing through her swollen flesh, because even though it was ecstasy, it wasn’t enough. “Sawyer…” His name ended in a moan on her lips. The tantalizing thrill spread higher, almost taking her over, but she fought. She wanted to look in his eyes as she let herself go. She wanted to see him let go, too.

Sawyer pulled back and grinned up at her. “Let it take you,” he instructed her. “There’ll be time for more later.”

“But…” She couldn’t get anything else out except for another helpless moan because he wouldn’t let her. That’s what Sawyer did. He took away her instinct to fight, melting it into an irresistible urge to give in to him. So she did. She slumped and let her hands hold her weight, focusing only on the titillating sensations that gathered inside of her to create a tight ball of pleasure that rose higher and higher until it exploded, sending up sparks to blind her. The force of it softened her bones, and just when she thought she wouldn’t be able to hold herself up, Sawyer was on his feet, catching her in his arms.

“Easy,” he murmured against her cheek.

She draped herself over him, still unable to balance herself. “My god, I can’t even stand up,” she announced, in case he couldn’t tell.

“You don’t have to stand,” he said through a grin that promised the fun wasn’t over yet.

That grin was all it took to start the throbbing again.

“We’re just getting started, Ruby,” he murmured all sexy and low. And, yep, she could go for another round.

His arms threaded around her and lifted her. Bracing her back against the wall, he pushed that impressive erection into her, staring into her eyes with a passionate devotion that she would never forget. His wet lips closed over hers as he withdrew and thrust back into her, filling all of her, grazing some uncharted spot that pried a cry from her lips. He did it again, slower this time, seeming to enjoy watching her come apart in his arms. “Faster. Please,” was all she could get out between the hard thumping of her heart and the blinding rush in her body. She wanted him to take her over the edge, to mesh their hearts together, to feel the heat and power of him as he came in her arms.

“I like taking my time with you,” he grunted against her hair, but his breaths were ragged, giving him away. He couldn’t stay like that forever, just like she couldn’t. She was too close. The feeling of him inside of her, giving himself over to her just as she gave herself over to him, nudged her closer and closer to the edge of ecstasy. They were both on the verge of that same explosion she’d just survived, the outpouring of unimaginable pleasure but also unimaginable depth that would take their connection further.

“Thank you, Sawyer,” she murmured, kissing her way across his jaw to his ear. “Thank you for showing me what it means to be cherished.”

“You deserve to be loved,” he said again, his eyes intent in hers. Still holding her tight against him, Sawyer spun away from the wall, plunging deeper, until every muscle in her pulled taut with anticipation, until she was clinging to him like he was life. “I can’t hold on much longer,” she panted. She didn’t want to. She wanted to let go, wanted him to let go.

“I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you right now,” he said, kissing her forehead, burying himself deeper inside of her than she thought possible.