Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling (29 page)

Damn it
. Sawyer looked away. This was gonna suck.

“She’s so happy here.” Ruby sniffled, gazing down at the dog the way she’d looked at Brooklyn earlier in the kitchen. Like she would offer up her own happiness to secure the dog’s. “She doesn’t even cower anymore.”

“Of course she doesn’t,” he said, rubbing his hand against her thigh. “She has you.” And Ruby had the kindest heart he’d ever encountered. But a judge wouldn’t care about her heart. “Ruby, honey.” He lifted her chin and forced her to look at him. “I
have
to take the dog. Tonight. Now.” He couldn’t let her risk five more minutes because Collins somehow knew she had Nell and it was only a matter of time until he proved it.

The color drained from her face, making her look like she was about to be sick. “He’ll hurt her.” She doubled over, cradling the dog in her arms. “Please don’t take her. You can’t take her away from me,” she said, her voice wobbling with a fresh round of tears.

Nell whimpered, obviously concerned that something was terribly wrong.

And she’d be right. No one should ever hurt an animal, but Ruby also couldn’t hide the dog forever. Eventually the truth would come out, and that would be much worse for her.

He scooted closer to her, rested his hand on her back. “I’ll take her to the pound. We’ll have a vet check for evidence of abuse,” he promised, his voice soft, because damn it, she looked so fragile, like he was breaking her heart in half.

Her teary eyes met his. “Promise?”

“I promise,” he said, gently taking Nell into his arms. Before it got any harder for him to do this, he stood.

She pulled herself to her feet and rubbed the tears off her face like she was trying to be strong.

But didn’t she know? She already was strong. He saw it in her. A deep strength that not many people could claim. Securing the dog in one arm, he touched her cheek, running his thumb across her silky skin. “You deserve more than this, Ruby. You shouldn’t have to live in fear. You shouldn’t have to hide. It’s robbing you from ever having a life. You’ll never have anything real.”

“I didn’t mean to hide it from you,” she whispered. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

He traced his fingers down her neck and swept her hair over her shoulder. “Let people help you. You don’t have to confront anything alone.” She had to know he wasn’t only talking about the dog. Her ex still had her in his prison. He couldn’t hit her anymore, but she still lived in fear.

The dog squirmed and whimpered like it was trying to get back to Ruby. As if he didn’t already feel like shit.

“It’s okay,” Ruby murmured, leaning in to kiss Nell’s nose. “You have to go with Sawyer. He’ll take good care of you, sweetie.” Her voice broke again. “Do you think I can have her back?”

Those tears. God, they killed him. But he had to be honest with her. “I don’t know. I’ll do my best to make that happen.”

Sobbing into her hand, Ruby hurried to the front door and opened it like she wanted to get it over with.

He did, too, but on his way out, he paused. “You’re so much braver than you think you are, Kate.”

She visibly flinched the second that foreign name left his lips.

He did, too.
Kate.
That name didn’t seem to fit her. She was Ruby to him. Even though he hadn’t known her real name, he’d seen her heart…with the kids, in those intimate moments they’d spent in his cabin. The name changed nothing. He leaned forward and pressed a long kiss against her forehead. “Don’t hide anymore,” he murmured. “You deserve a happy life.” And she’d only find it in freedom.

He kissed her once more, resting his lips against hers, stroking her cheeks with his fingers. Then, before he lost the strength to, he tucked the dog into his coat and left.

R
uby stood frozen in the center of the living room. The sound of her real name on Sawyer’s lips still resounded through her. She hated it. Hated how it thrust her back into the past. Kate was weak and scared, and for the first time in her life, Ruby felt strong.

Don’t hide anymore.

Sawyer was right. She’d been hiding far too long, and it was costing her too much. She’d lost Nellie, and she’d likely lost Sawyer because she hadn’t been honest with him. And what kind of example was she setting for Brooklyn?

Anger rose up, charging her with the same power she’d felt when she’d zinged down that zipline—adrenaline and fight. She was done hiding. She’d been hiding her whole damn life. It was time to fight, and she knew exactly how she would do it.

The strength of her will bled into her body, fortifying her, making her feel stable and capable. She stomped into the bedroom, pulled a suitcase out of the closet, and started to rip open drawers, blindly throwing in enough clothes to last her a while. It was the same suitcase she’d packed when she left Derek, except then she had been quiet, tiptoeing, afraid he’d come home early and throw her against the wall when he saw what she was up to.

But she didn’t want to be afraid of him anymore.

If Sawyer had taught her anything these past weeks, it was that she didn’t have to be afraid. She’d learned how to swim. She’d jumped off a platform. She’d zinged down the zipline above the trees. He’d made her stronger. He’d guarded her and protected her with his tenderness, making her believe in love. Being with him had given her a vision of a future she never thought she could have. But it was right there in front of her, waiting for her to confront the past so she could embrace a new life.

If she ever wanted to have a life, she had to go back and confront Derek. She had to release herself from the power he had over her. It was time.

After stuffing down the jeans and sweatshirts and socks, she zipped up the suitcase, then withdrew the envelope of money she kept under the mattress. Using a fake name had meant she couldn’t open a bank account, so everything had been cash. She flicked through the bills. Eleven thousand dollars. She’d done her best to save over the past year, and with the generous amount Elsie paid her, now she could fly back to North Carolina and stay as long as it took to make sure Derek never hurt anyone again.

That vision—the one of him holed up in a jail cell—crowded out everything. It was all she could see.

Stuffing the money into her purse, she marched to the antique writing desk Elsie and she had found at a yard sale last summer. She sat and withdrew three pieces of paper. The tears flowed again as she wrote a note to the Walkers, thanking them for everything they’d done. Telling them she planned to come back as soon as things were settled.
If Sawyer finds a way for me to keep Nellie, please take care of her until I come back,
she wrote in the P.S. Because by the time she returned to Aspen, Sawyer would likely be settled in Denver. Sadness gaped inside of her, threatening to pull her into its darkness. But she warded it off by remembering how it felt to be in his arms. Even if she never found herself there again, she was grateful for what they’d shared.

Before the tears started falling again, she wrote a note to Brooklyn, apologizing for not saying good-bye but promising her that she would find her again someday. That she would keep in touch and watch out for her the way no one had ever watched out for Ruby. She didn’t care what she had to do to make it happen. She’d pay any amount of money to stay in the girl’s life.

Her hand trembled as she addressed the third letter to Sawyer.
I love you,
she wrote, and that was enough. It said everything she wanted him to know.

Drying her eyes, she sealed the letters in envelopes and left them on the desk. Then she hauled her suitcase out to the car and loaded it up.

Climbing the steps to the porch, she went into the house one more time.

It was so lovely, her little house. Bright and cheerful, old but charming. A perfect place to begin again. Slowly she walked through every room, leaving all the lights on.

Because she would be back. Once she’d put the past to rest, this is where she wanted her real life to start.

“Whoa, Nell. Settle down there, Trigger.” Sawyer tried to calm the dog with one hand while steering with the other. He’d spent all night dealing with Nell. First at the city pound, where he’d called in a very pissed-off vet. Although once he’d assured the man of the healthy compensation he’d receive, the vet had done a thorough examination, complete with X-rays. Apparently the dog had suffered multiple fractures to the ribs over time, which had obviously never been treated properly given how poorly they’d healed.

In the vet’s professional opinion, the dog had sustained substantial abuse. Which meant Sawyer’d had the pleasure of showing up at Grayson Collins’s house just before dawn to let him know he was facing animal cruelty charges. It’d be a lie to say he hadn’t enjoyed slapping cuffs on the guy’s wrists. On the way to the station, Collins informed Sawyer that he didn’t want the dog anyway. Apparently he wasn’t as attached as he’d made everyone think.

Not like Ruby had been.

The memory of her brokenhearted expression gave him a good jab. He’d stopped at her house after Collins had been booked, but she wasn’t home. That’s when Nell had gone bonkers, launching herself against the door like she wanted to break it down and get back to Ruby.

“We’ll meet her at the ranch,” he said to Nell, who continued to yip and bounce in the seat next to him. They were all gathering for the kids’ last breakfast before they left to go home. It would be the perfect time to give Nellie back to her, and to tell her that he’d decided to stay in Aspen, that he couldn’t imagine being even four hours away from her.

Because who the hell was he kidding, anyway? He loved the woman, no matter what her name was. He’d watched her with Brooklyn, he’d seen her save Nellie from a cruel owner, he’d seen her work her ass off for Aunt Elsie. So maybe she’d lied to protect herself, but she’d never been a fake.

Ruby may have been hiding, but so was he. They were the same, really. Running away from the past. Who the hell was he to lecture her on being honest? He hadn’t even told Avery about his son like Bryce had asked him to.

He drove into the ranch’s parking lot, noticing that Ruby’s car wasn’t there yet. She must be making a stop first. So instead of parking out front, he drove around to Bryce and Avery’s driveway, following it up the small hill to where their house hid in the trees.

Scooping Nell under his arm, he jumped out of the SUV and muscled his way to their front door, trying to keep the dog from launching herself into the forest. “Easy, Nell. We’ll find her soon.” But first he wanted to take his own advice. Stop hiding.

He knocked a couple of times, still wrangling the dog.

Avery opened the door.

“Sawyer. Hey.” She did a double take. “You have a dog.”

“It’s actually Ruby’s dog.” He nudged a foot into the door and opened it wider so he could get the rascal inside.

“I didn’t know she had a dog,” Avery said, giving Nell’s head a good scrub. “What a sweetie. Wait until Moose sees her.”

Right on cue, Bryce and Avery’s massive Bernese Mountain dog bounded down the wooden staircase, slipping and sliding as he tried to find traction.

Instead of acting intimidated, Nell pranced right up to the dog. Immediately Moose lay down and rolled onto his back.

Avery rolled her eyes. “He’s such a sucker for the ladies.”

Sawyer laughed and followed her across the living room into the open-concept kitchen he’d helped Bryce finish out.

“Babe, look who’s here,” she called to Bryce, who was making a bottle for the baby. Lily cooed from the bouncy seat perched on the counter right next to Bryce.

Sawyer walked over to her, feeling the ache of his own loss acutely but fighting the sadness that tried to take over. He’d told Ruby to stop hiding and he had to do the same. He had to stop hiding from the grief, stop pretending his loss had never happened. And he could start right now.

“Can I hold her?” Sawyer asked, feeling tension climb into his fingertips.

“Sure,” Bryce said, sounding surprised, but then he grinned. “She’s working on filling her pants. Whoever’s holding her has to change her. So be my guest.”

“How bad could it be?” he asked, unclipping the straps that held her in so he could nestle her into the crook of his arm.

Bryce and Avery both snorted. “You’d be surprised,” his cousin said.

Sawyer stared down at Lily’s perfect face, those luminescent blue eyes, her dainty nose and puckered lips. She had tufts of hair, the same blond as Avery, and a chin that curved exactly like her daddy’s. She’d already gained a couple of pounds. Her face had changed. “She’s amazing.” Somehow it wasn’t as hard to hold her as it had been those first few times. Maybe because Ruby had inspired him to think about the future, to start dreaming about a family again. Maybe not a baby, but a family.

Avery peered over his shoulder. “Look at her stare at you. She loves her uncle Sawyer.”

Not that he deserved it. A stab of regret forced a sigh. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you guys.”

“What d’you mean?” Avery asked, swatting his shoulder. “Sure you have.”

“No. I haven’t. I’ve hardly even spent any time with Lily.” He’d held her once right after she was born, and maybe twice since, but it had filled him with an echoing hollowness and all he could think about was how much he’d lost. How empty his arms were. It didn’t feel that way anymore.

He glanced over at Avery. Not because his next words would justify his absence in his goddaughter’s life, but because he didn’t want to hide it anymore. His son deserved more than that.

“Kaylee lost a baby,” he said, steeling himself. “
We
lost a baby.”

Avery’s friendly expression gave way to an open-mouthed gasp. “What?”

“She was almost five months pregnant.” He blinked against the burn in his eyes. “It was a boy.”

Avery shot accusatory look at Bryce. She didn’t like to be left out. “I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t, either,” Bryce assured her.

“How come you never told us?” she demanded. “God, Sawyer, we’re your family. We could’ve been there for you.”

“I thought I’d forget about it. If I moved on.” But now he knew he never would. He had to acknowledge it for the loss it was. He had to let himself grieve the dream of having his son with him.

Avery’s lips folded like she was trying not to cry, but it wasn’t that convincing, considering the fact that tears dripped from the corners of her eyes. “I wish you would’ve said something. All this time I’ve been pushing Lily on you when…” The words trailed off and she shook her head at him. Or maybe at herself.

But none of it was her fault, the way he’d acted toward Lily. “I’ve been the worst godfather,” he said, brushing a finger against the downy skin on Lily’s cheek. “But I’ll do better. I promise.”

“She’s lucky to have you in her life.” Avery sniffled. “Just promise you’ll visit her a lot. So she knows you.”

Oh, right.
He’d wanted to tell Ruby first, but he’d see her soon. “Actually, I’m not leaving.” Damn, it felt good to say that.

“You’re not?” Avery gasped again, this time through a wide smile.

“Chief offered me a promotion.” Yeah. Like that was the reason. “Besides, Ruby is here. And I kind of like her.”

“Now, that I knew. It was so obvious.” Avery slid onto a stool. “Don’t worry, we’re having a girls’ night tonight so we can discuss you and Ruby in great detail.”

“Not sure how I feel about that.” But he grinned. Because Ruby fit here. With Avery and Aunt Elsie and Paige. With him…

Lily opened her eyes and stared up at him. He held her up, blew raspberries against her tummy.

“Look, she’s smiling!” Avery clapped. “What a sweet, smart girl you are, Lily,” she cooed.

“She’s not smiling,” Bryce insisted. “She’s too little to smile.”

“No. She’s definitely smiling,” Sawyer shot back. “Aren’t you?” he asked the baby. “You’re smiling at Uncle Sawyer.”

The front door whooshed open and Aunt Elsie rushed in, followed by a hobbling Thomas, who’d apparently decided to ditch the wheelchair against doctor’s orders. “There you are!” His aunt charged across the room, huffing out breaths and fanning herself with her hand. “Ruby’s gone! She’s gone back to North Carolina!”

His body went cold. “Gone?” He thought about how she’d almost packed up her stuff the other night to walk out of his life. “How could she be gone?” He’d just seen her last night…

“I stopped by her house to see if she wanted to ride here together.” Aunt Elsie steadied both hands against the kitchen counter. “I never bothered to knock. The door was unlocked.”

Suddenly Lily felt too heavy in his arms. He handed the baby back to Bryce.

“She left notes.” Aunt Elsie handed him some papers. “One for us and one for you, Sawyer. There’s one for Brooklyn, too.”

He stared down at the first page, at his name scrawled across the top.

I love you.
That was all it said. “Shit.” That made it sound like she wasn’t planning on coming back to tell him in person.

“Read the one she wrote us,” Aunt Elsie said.

He blinked so he could focus and flipped to the next page.