Heart of Tantric Sex (24 page)

 S 
OME MEN HAVE DIFFICULTIES with erection; others don't. Some need a few attempts before they can manage an erection and others get an erection by just thinking about it. Some can have an erection easily with one woman, and with another they cannot. It can be a confusing, misunderstood phenomenon, and the source of much pain and torment for men
and
women.

The most damaging part of this confusion is that many men, if nor all, estimate their manliness according to their capacity to be erect and satisfy a woman. Women often estimate men in the same way. How hard can he get and how long can he hold it hard? All of this operates as an enormous burden for a man; it eats away at him while his mind casts self-doubt on his capacity to love a woman, he even begins to doubt her. His psychology begins to invade the naturalness and integrity of his sexual expression. Slowly an immense pressure and tension builds up in him but, ironically, the truth is that a woman is also responsible for a man's erection.

The power of sexual magnetism without excitement

If we begin to look at the penis and vagina as a unit, counterparts of one whole with magnetic intelligence, our understanding of sex can begin to shift. Instead of a mental pressure slowly accumulating in the man, which dictates that in order to make love he must do something, he would be more accurate in considering his penis to be an instrument of love that
responds
to the love in his counterpart, the vagina. This means he does not force an erection by doing something, but trusts love and waits until an erection swells and grows either inside or outside the vagina. When the vagina is instilled with consciousness and love, erection happens very easily and with no effort at all. The penis seeks out the vaginal depths with astonishing alacrity. Women know how to be sexy or provocative to help a man get hard, and it is something they do willingly so that sex happens. But when the focus is outward, directed on the man and not inward on herself, her attempts will frequently be futile. When a woman tries to stimulate the man into erection with her hand or mouth, for instance, she is overlooking an important fact. It is her vagina, this nuclear part of her, which makes or breaks an erection, and man is only half of this miraculous phenomenon. The welcoming liquid quality of the vaginal cavity with its embracing velveteen silkiness is what will do the job.

Men who have experienced both styles of lovemaking, excitement versus relaxation, say that it is possible to feel the difference between a potent erection and an excitable one. The first, they report, feels elastic and easy and sensitive, while the second feels brittle, hard, and yet easy to lose. It is like the difference between the vibrancy of a snake and the deadness of a stick. I recall a man who had been experimenting with the Love Keys sharing his astute observation, "I get two different kinds of erections. One way, I move into relaxation and non-doing, and after a while a movement of energy happens and an erection is there. This kind of erection does not go soft when there is no movement. The other way, I move into excitement and tension and I get an erection that feels hollow because it is not connected with my insides. I lose this kind of erection if there is no movement." Many men will have experienced the same phenomenon.

Another man in one of my workshops said, "When I consciously push an erection by tightening the perineum and the anal area, the energy becomes concentrated in my pelvis. In contrast, when I remain relaxed and conscious of my entire pelvic area, the energy falls back naturally and the perineum does its own thing. It still feels the same, which was confusing at first. But when I let it happen, it is like I am available to it, rather than forcing it. I can feel a contracting sensation in the perineum and the root of my penis pushing upward, more like squeezing than spasms. This feeling is absolutely wonderful and at the same time relaxed because I am making no effort. It's just happening."

Experience an electrical surge of inspiration

The design of the sex organs, the penis fitting so well inside the vagina as it does, enables the energy to flow naturally and erection is a by product of the attraction. Erection can also happen close to the vagina, not necessarily inside. The natural probing and forward thrusting of the penis when it comes into the vaginal presence is the positive energy seeking its complementary counterpart, in order to experience completion. This polarization of the penis where it responds through polarity has been described by men as a journey from the head of the penis to the root of the penis. The entire penis becomes potent and this expands the magnetic phenomenon. When the man can imagine his penis emerging from the root of his body as a shaft of consciousness, or a stream of light, he becomes increasingly aware of its entire length, sensing aliveness through it fully.

The penis is
extremely
sensitive to shifts in environment. It feels when the vagina is present and relaxed, and when it is not. It knows when the vagina is moving out of polarity, for example when the woman begins to make efforts to achieve orgasm. When the open, relaxed surroundings of the vagina become narrow and constricted from a receptive attitude to a demanding one, the man will often experience an immediate loss of erection. The sensitivity of a conscious penis cannot meet such a demand and will shrink away as the erection diminishes, or while fully erect he may even flop out sideways in sudden disinterest.

When the penis is lying erect inside the woman, the man will usually begin to lose his erection at the precise moment when the consciousness of the woman leaves her vagina. The penis is
that
sensitive. This loss of erection can be due to a single thought. It has shocked me time and again how the second I allow my awareness to drift away, the penis will instantly shrink. It makes sense; its electrical counterpart has gone away, absented itself. When I am able to reconnect with my body, immerse myself in it again and quit thinking, the penis will stretch out and snake up slowly into the vagina once again, regaining lost ground.

The penis is especially sensitive to the energy in the breasts, a phenomenon that both man and woman are able to feel. When the breasts are activated the penis responds instantly. This is because the vagina becomes receptive and sensitive when breasts become filled with life, more positive. This in turn enables the man's energy to be drawn from the penis into the vagina. The woman, while focusing on her breasts and receiving the man, will feel the penis suddenly respond with added life as the electricity moves within. This intensification of polarity, even if created for only a few moments, will be experienced by the penis as a jolt of energy, a surge of fire, an inspiration. When the breasts are truly open and loving from within, a woman will feel that she is penetrating a man with love through her breasts, chest, and heart, activating his heart and love in turn.

This shows us that the life in the penis depends on the life within the vagina, that the greater the capacity of both men and women to be present and conscious during lovemaking, the greater the ecstasy they will experience. If it feels a bit dead while you are making love, this can be an indication that you are not really here. You may be tired or preoccupied perhaps, but not really with your lover in the spirit of love. The more you become practiced at stepping into "here" the more alive the genitals will be to each other.

Psychology and impotence

Impotence is man's greatest fear. It is a shock to a man when his penis does not or will not rise to the occasion, when no amount of stimulation or excitement will do it, and in time videos, skimpy clothing or sexy devices will not help either. This can often astound a man who in earlier years was known as a stud. But this is where impotence will most commonly occur. The trouble is that the penis has become insensitive and unresponsive due to an over-dependence on excitement, and if a man has not explored his sexuality from within, impotence easily prevails. He has sadly become immune to his sexual energy, self-doubt creeps in, frustration and anger grow. Millions of men today suffer from impotence, a problem as chronic as premature ejaculation.

Impotence is frequently blamed on the partner, on the familiarity of years spent together, the routine of old habits, the layers of emotional barriers and the pain of unspoken wounds that lie across the heart. The love that initially joined two people all those years ago has become inaccessible, and there is a loss of stimulus and attraction. We have also come to believe that older men need to be invigorated, abandoning their wives for younger women. But the problem of impotence lies not with the partner, but with the insensitivity of the penis and with the psychology of the man himself.

When sex just doesn't work anymore

In the case of impotence, Tantra tells us the penis is no longer functioning as an authentic positive male pole; it has become flaccid and unresponsive, having lost its innate interest and sensitivity. It is no longer rooted in the unlimited pool of sexual energy. Instead, the cumulative years of sexual misunderstanding and misuse have made the genitals insensitive and numb. Sensation took over from sensitivity a long time ago, and men have never been taught how the penis genuinely works inside the vagina, how to develop the inherent magnetic properties to give them and their partners lasting love and satisfaction.

For an impotent man there are no options; he has no access to his ecstasy while his pleasure has been reduced to occasional moments of release, superficial and fleeting. His capacity to be erect, mostly a function of his mind, his sexual imagination and fantasies, has atrophied. His experience of sensation is what he
imagines
is happening to him, instead of what is
actually
happening.

These days it is socially accepted to claim that sex just doesn't work anymore. Sex is cast aside, seemingly unimportant, but the lack of a willing expressive sexual energy soon becomes the source of self-doubt and is the underlying cause of disagreements and emotional discontent between couples. When a man is without sexual expression, he will soon feel the corrosive effects of his stagnant energy and will become restless, bored, critical, easy to displease and quick to anger. When men compensate by channeling their sexual energy into work and achievement, leaving no time for love, a pivotal part of them remains unexpressed and undernourished. Later, surrounded by material wealth, they wonder at their unhappiness, their problems of obesity, alcoholism, and impotence. As important as they thought money was, suddenly they see that their priorities have been misplaced.

Overcoming lack of feeling together

According to Tantra, both men and women are responsible for male impotence. After years of friction-oriented lovemaking, the genitals, both male and female, have grown increasingly insensitive, the muscle tissues becoming hard and tight. When the penis lies without movement in the vagina, there will be no tingling, vibrating, or sensitivity, no subtle awareness. After years of gross contact, the penis may possibly become erect only if there is friction; and without it, there are no feelings, no delicate sensations, no innate vitality. The erection response through polarity effect is deadened and inaccessible, a disturbance in the bio-energy. Fortunately couples can overcome the problem of impotence together. It requires patience, sensitivity, and self-respect. Respect yourself, respect your energy, respect your genitals and give them time to heal and balance. Make a date to make love frequently. Give yourselves plenty of time, exchange massage of breasts, penis, and testicles. Be unhurried and conscious, relax together. When you are both ready, lie in bed and try penetration without erection, (described in chapter 12 on Soft Penetration). Once successfully inserted, and even the head is enough, maintain the consciousness in the penis and vagina, exchange energy through eye contact. A woman must remember to hold awareness in the breasts too, and a man must intensify her awareness by touching them. Try this way of making love again and again and it will happen that from this neutral place, erection will arise
in response to the vagina.
Even if only for a short time at first, it will give you an inspiring insight into the wonderful phenomenon of erection, and the way out of impotence. Stop looking for immediate gratification or results because it may take many attempts before the positive and negative begin to respond and operate according to design. But when a man can start relaxing into the ambience of love with his partner and begin to trust his penis then the natural intelligence of the sex organs can be re-established. Erection will once more become a natural response.

Disastrously, science has produced an "impotence pill" with an astonishing effect—a man requires the usual sexual stimulus or provocation (so it is not an aphrodisiac) whereupon full erection follows! In the short term this does offer consolation, but in the context of male polarity lying at the source of man's erectile capacity, the glaring truth is that medical intervention exacerbates an already dire situation and offers no insight into the energetic realities involved. The man is already chronically insensitive and unaware of himself, and this finally turns him into an erection machine, intensifying his insensitivity to himself and of course his woman. Even while she may be very grateful to experience penetration once again, the dullness in the penis does not allow for the awakening of her ecstatic sexual energies. Neither does it generate love.