Heart of Tantric Sex (28 page)

These emotional patterns and instability in a woman are so deeply ingrained that she begins to believe this is who she is. She has become identified with her emotional side. Women begin to falsely believe that a certain amount of emotion in their lives gives it shape, form, and meaning. They think that if there is a fight going on, then love is happening. Conversely and just as false, a woman often finds that if there is a period of calm and tranquillity between herself and her lover, then love must be disappearing. Often a woman will focus on an ongoing theme of discontent to get some attention and bring some life back into the relationship. She will create a bit of push and pull, a tug of war, just to get a sense of movement, a feeling of love.

When women are emotional, they become more excitable in sex, and this makes it difficult for both men and women to relax into making love. Orgasm will be a constant beckoning, pulling away from its spiritual nourishing phase. When the sexual energy is allowed to relax instead of being forced into a peak, the corresponding emotionality of a woman gradually subsides. She is fulfilled, serene, and content. This is the shift from linear (sex energy released) to circular (sex energy retained) in which a woman finds herself more feminine, radiant, and loving. It is here in this circular movement, the union of sex and heart, where the true source of female sexual energy and ecstasy lies. Unfortunately women rarely reach their feminine potential because the crucial female polarity—awakening sex energy through the breasts and heart—in sex is not recognized or utilized either by herself or by her lover. Deep down she knows intuitively that much is possible from love and sex. She senses and longs for an orgasmic, blissful state of divine union where love reigns. But she remains fundamentally unsatisfied, and eventually her distress translates into emotionality.

As excitement and goal-oriented sex continue in her life, a woman will develop an emotional personality, demanding love and never finding the contentment of love within her. On the deepest level, this is a tragedy because we have lost our natural source of love. Excited, male-oriented sex never takes a woman to a state of true orgasmic bliss where her body pulsates with love energy and she feels herself as love itself. Furthermore, it begins to show up in the body, and sexual excitement forms a band of tension, which accumulates over the ovaries and uterus. Most women are not aware of this, but after years of heavy sex and forced orgasm, the ovaries and lower belly area become very congested and tense. This begins to disturb the health of a woman and she may find herself having repeated vaginal infections, irritations, or discharges, and it may even affect her urinary system. The breasts, which are not understood in terms of polarity, also begin to get diseased. Her hormones and menstrual cycle are affected too, thus her whole personality is influenced. The effects of these emotions are devastating and can leave a woman and her partner exhausted and confused for days. Love then becomes associated with the instability of constant ups and downs and a whirlwind of emotions.

Stepping away from emotional patterns

Tantra teaches us very clearly that love is not an emotion. Love is more a state of being, a quality that resides within you. It is cool not hot, accepting not challenging, relaxed not excited or tense, content not depressed. It is neither a demand nor an expectation, nor a contortion of the heart. Love illuminates, overflows, and radiates from within you. It is most valuable when a woman can begin to recognize when she is emotional, no matter how disappointed, angry, or jealous she may feel at that moment. Only then can she begin to step away from this intensity of overwhelming emotion, this disturbed aspect of her personality, and begin to create a new reality for herself where she is no longer victim but victor. She can tell her lover that she is feeling emotional and is not reliable or clear in that moment. Whatever she needs— a loving hug or some time alone—she can be vulnerable and ask for it. Her recognition of her emotionality can act as a constant reference point that she can use as a signal, to see the danger and turn the whole picture around before she gets caught up in it. This is taking real responsibility for love. Through taking conscious steps away from the emotion, and in so doing, cutting the unconscious patterns rooted in the past, a woman can begin to experience her deeper loving nature.

If a man is courageous enough to keep his sexual temperature to a cool burning flame and not a hungry fire, a woman will truly flower in her feminine sexual expression. When love is unhurried and allowed to manifest through polarity, men and women start to make love afresh. But this doesn't just happen; it requires vision, intelligence, and a commitment to love on the part of the man. Then he can help to reunite his lover with the divine source of her love in her body. When a man can see his woman blossom through his gathering of her divine energies, flower and radiate this love back to him, only then will he be truly satisfied with sex. Finally he feels within himself a true male authority. In the same way a woman can take responsibility for herself by insisting that a man make love to her, and not just have sex. In this clarity she prevents a further build up of debilitating emotions, and invites love back into her life. Unfortunately this can be difficult because women are so longing for love, that we will accept
any
attentions that masquerade in the name of love.

Making love in consciousness

It is good to be aware that when we are making love in consciousness, emotions will come and go in waves. Allow them to release through you, don't hold onto them. This is an intrinsic part of the internal balancing process. Women have more sexual wounds by virtue of their physical vulnerability, so it is natural they will face painful emotions more often. Even after a session of conscious lovemaking, it is common for women to be overcome with a wild irrational rage which they will be tempted to unleash on their lover, the same man they loved so much only an hour ago. Consciousness brought into the body must, and will, release these stored unconscious aspects within us. The silence instilled by consciousness in the body displaces these emotions. Allow these emotions to ride through your body freely, but do not direct them to or on your partner. Better to leave him out of it; take it back on yourself and enjoy the passion of it all. Go into a spare room and beat the hell out of a big cushion with your fists. Jump, dance, move! Be as physical as you can, but be aware of your body taking care not to hurt yourself accidentally.

During the healing which is initiated between penis and vagina, remember that a refining process is set in motion, as consciousness is instilled into the organs of love. Through a meditative approach in sex, a man can unite sex and heart in a woman, and reveal her essentially loving nature.

 A 
LL OF NATURE IS BASED ON CYCLES of renewal and retreat, waxing and waning, light and dark, birth and death.

Sex cannot be separated from the dramatic event of birth, while also being associated with a peaceful death. Birth implies reproductive cycles and fertility cycles, both of which have a profound influence on the life of a woman. Indeed, without these cycles, we would not be here to celebrate the glory of love and life. In the love arena, reproduction and fertility wreak havoc. Just when things are wonderfully creative in love, there's the interruption of menstruation or pregnancy.

Avoid unwanted pregnancy

It is essential that all women and men take adequate care not to accidentally create another cycle of birth and death. It alters lives. Today we are in the fortunate position of being able to control birth in a variety of ways, and all people should thoroughly inform themselves of the alternatives available by seeking professional guidance. The insidious fear that a woman carries buried within her—her capacity to be impregnated— creates a deep and ongoing tension making it difficult for her to relax fully into the sexual experience. Many women after being sterilized have said this was their most striking liberation and made all the difference. It was an incredible relief even though most were not consciously aware of carrying this tension. A woman will also have the same experience if her lover has chosen to be sterilized himself by having a vasectomy.

When ejaculation frequency is reduced, this also reduces the chances of pregnancy. This is by
no
means saying that non-ejaculation is a substitute for contraception because seminal fluids are known to contain agile sperm. Nonetheless, one cannot help wondering if the population explosion today is a result of man's addiction to ejaculation. Condoms are often the simplest precaution that lovers can take. This applies in both new and long-term relationships.

Safe sex

When you make love with a new partner, condoms are also essential in the approach to safe sex—avoiding contracting sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS. To ensure protection genital body fluids must not be exchanged, so do not have
any
genital contact without a condom. You have to rely on yourself and it is imperative that you do not leave it up to somebody else. It is not worth the risk and discomfort that can follow. Always be prepared to speak to your partner about using a condom, whether you are a man or a woman. Keep some with you at all times. It is always beneficial to have an HIV test in order to allay any fears that you may have about AIDS. If a new friendship develops into a longer term partnership then both can be tested for HIV. The obvious answer for us today is to begin to make love to one person, and as we discover the true art of loving, we value the relaxation that comes with intimacy.

Condoms

However, condoms do represent an obstacle in the natural flow of events, when instead of penetration there is encapsulation, and the whole affair can shrink into folds of dismal shriveled rubber. This does mean that couples and lovers need to talk about it in advance to avoid unfortunate situations. Particularly if experimenting within new guidelines, such communication is essential. It is always a relief when sex is out in the open and fears dissolve, creating relaxation and rapport.

So tell your partner what your circumstances are and what works for you. Ask for any help you need, offer any assistance they might need. If it is not appropriate for you to make love, it might be better to wait till another time. It can happen that you lose your erection whilst applying a condom, but do not lose heart. After a few minutes start afresh and apply the condom to the unerect penis. If you continue with foreplay and awakening to each other sexually, your penis is likely to rise in response, and you can continue.

Generally speaking it is better to place the condom on at the outset of making love, well before you have an erection. It is possible to place a condom on a soft or semi-soft penis, and this can be done by the man or the woman, or both! Roll the foreskin back and pull all the folds of skin toward the base of the penis, so as to reveal the head. Roll on the condom, slowly, pulling it all the way down. From here, your penis can gradually become erect within the condom, and when the right moment for penetration presents itself, you can proceed accordingly!