Heart of the Matter (26 page)

“I have a lot going on in my life, Ellen. A husband and children, a home, family, and friends. That’s what life is supposed to be, that’s what’s normal.”

“Normal?” Ellen shouted.

“Girls, now stop it,” Barbara said.

“No, Mom. Joan and I have been dancing around this for years. I’m sick to death of it and we’re going to have it out once and for all, because I refuse to put up with her crap any longer. Tell me, Joan, what’s normal? Having a couple of absolute brats and a husband who’s never around?”

“How dare you speak about my children like that,” Joan shrieked. “They’re perfectly normal children and Robert is a perfect husband. His work takes him away from home a lot, and he can’t always be around for family functions. He would be here if he could, and he—”

Suddenly gasping for air, Joan stopped speaking. She wailed and burst into tears, sobbing between gritted teeth. Then she covered her mouth with her hand and ran from the kitchen, leaving them staring in disbelief. Ellen glanced at her mother, unsure what had happened. They left the kitchen and searched for Joan, eventually finding her in the guest bedroom, huddled in a ball on the bed.

Barbara sat down next to her and put her hand on Joan’s shoulder. “Oh, sweetheart, what’s the matter?” Joan continued to sob, her fist pressed into her mouth and her eyes shut tight. Ellen and her mother waited for the tears to subside, then waited until Joan could find her voice.

“Was it something I said?” Ellen said, trying to introduce a bit of levity.

Joan sat up abruptly. “It’s always about you, isn’t it, Ellen?” Ellen was shocked by the venom in Joan’s voice, but she didn’t want to argue with her. Whatever was going on with Joan had nothing to do with her.

“You have the great job,
Professor
. Everyone admires your mind and your career. You travel and write books. You get to experiment sexually with women and God knows what else.”

“Joan,” Barbara snapped.

“Come on, Mother. I did everything you and Daddy wanted me to do. I married a handsome, successful physician and had two children. Hell, we even have a damn dog. I have the American dream, I have it all. Everything looks so great from the outside. But nobody knows what it’s been like on the inside. No one knows, or cares for that matter, that Robert has been having an affair for at least a year now with another physician at the hospital.” Ellen felt as though Joan had hit her in the solar plexus. She grabbed hold of the edge of the dresser to steady herself. “My God,” she whispered.

Joan sputtered. “God had nothing to do with it. Why do you think I spend all my time at the club—because I enjoy wasting time with the girls? I go to work out, every day, hours a day to stay thin and try to be attractive for a man who doesn’t even care about me.Robert just decided he wasn’t in love with me anymore, if he ever had been. His family had expected him to live the American dream, too. We were both so young and naïve, I know, but I loved him. I still do."

“But now, I’m invisible. Oh, sure, I still go to the club, still play tennis with my so-called friends. But my life is empty. My children are only concerned about when they’ll be getting the latest technological toy and where they’ll be spending their next vacation.I’m a servant, cooking and cleaning. I don’t have any meaning or purpose or direction.”

“You can change all that if you want to,” Ellen said. “I’ll help you.”

“What? Go back to school? Become a rocket scientist? If your offer weren’t so clichéd, so predictable, it would be laughable. It’s too late. There’s nothing left, I suppose, but signing the divorce papers. I presume that’s what Robert wants.”

“Who cares what Robert wants?” Ellen argued. “Take him for every nickel he’s got and you won’t have to worry again about money. Punish him. Take him to the cleaners, for God’s sake.”

“We’ll get you a lawyer from your father’s office,” Barbara said. “Don’t worry about a thing. And you get to keep the house, no question about it. Let Robert move in with his girlfriend.”

“It’s not a girlfriend, Mother, it’s a boyfriend.” Neither Ellen nor her mother moved. The only sound came from Joan blowing her nose into a tissue. Then she pulled out another tissue and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. With one last sniff, she glanced up at her mother and Ellen.

“Surprise.”

“Shit,” Ellen whispered.

“Double shit,” Barbara agreed.

“Yeah, it was a real eye-opener, that’s for sure,” Joan added

“No wonder you resented my lifestyle,” Ellen murmured.

“Now don’t go turning my problem into something about you,” Joan warned.

“No, sorry, I’m not, really, Joan. But I can see how Robert having an affair with a man made you less understanding about my being attracted to women. Don’t you see? It’s not about who you love. It’s about finding someone you can love at all. It’s a very rare, very special discovery. Obviously Robert had these feelings long before he knew you. It didn’t happen overnight. You weren’t meant for each other, okay, so now what are you going to do about it?”

“The same thing you’re doing about this Kate person,” Joan tossed back.

Ellen blinked, confused. “What?”

“Nothing. I’m going to let him go. What else can I do?” The full impact of Joan’s words hit Ellen like a roundhouse punch. For Joan, letting go of Robert was letting go of someone who no longer loved her, perhaps never did. And despite Joan’s attempts to remain fit and attractive, he obviously didn’t care how she looked. Ellen loved Kate. For the first time in her life she was deeply, hopelessly, passionately in love. And Kate didn’t mind Ellen’s weight, had said so and reinforced it with her actions.

She wasn’t sure if Kate was in love with her, but that was it, wasn’t it? She didn’t know. Her mother was right. She needed to let Kate know how she felt, and then she needed to find out exactly how Kate felt. After that, well, she’d cross that bridge when she got to it. And even if it meant the London Bridge, well, she’d cross that, too.

“Thanks, Joan.”

“For what?”

“You just helped me more than you’ll ever know. Look, I’m sorry about Robert, but you know what? He’s an asshole. You deserve better, and I know a guy in our department at GU who would love to take you to dinner sometime. Just say the word. But right now, I’ve got to run.”

She left the guest room and found her purse where she had left it on a table in the entryway. Digging around for her keys, she nearly ran to the front door.

“What about lunch?” her mother called after her.

“Another time. Tell Daddy I love him and I’m glad he’s home. I’ll drop by tomorrow.”

“But where are you going, Ellen?”

Ellen stopped, her hand on the doorknob. “I’m going to tell Kate I love her.”

“And if she loves you, too?”

“If she loves me, too, then that’s a lot, that’s everything. If she does, then I’ll be happy, happier than I’ve ever been.”

“And what about London?”

Ellen paused, not sure how to solve that dilemma. “Somehow it’ll work out. I don’t know how, but it’s got to. Maybe not right away, but someday. And that’s all I can hope for. A someday.”

Ellen stood outside Kate’s door, her heart pounding rapidly as though she’d just run a marathon. On the drive over she had thought about what she was going to say and how she would say it. She had edited herself and revised and memorized the long speech and felt pretty good about it. Now that she was here, though, her nerve left her, and she hesitated. If she really wanted Kate, now was the time. Physically gathering herself, she knocked.

“Ellen?” Kate asked after opening the door.

“I love you,” Ellen blurted, and felt the blood rush to her face.

For several heartbeats Kate stared, then opened her arms. Ellen fell into them and felt so many emotions—but primarily relief that she had made the right choice.

“I love you, and I want you to come with me to London.” Kate was shocked by the realization and for saying it out loud. Thinking it was one thing, but asking Ellen to give up her life here astonished her. She couldn’t possibly see how Ellen could quit her job and her family for the unknown in London. How could an American history professor find a career in Europe? And what about her family?

“Oh, Kate, if I could, I’d go with you tomorrow.” Kate’s throat closed and for a moment she felt numb. Of course Ellen couldn’t alter her life on a whim and for someone who was off in another country pursuing her own career. What was she thinking?

Ellen felt Kate stiffen in her arms and begin to pull away.

“What I mean is, I can’t go with you right away. For one thing, my father isn’t well, and while he’ll make a full recovery, I need to be with my family now. On top of that, I still have my job at Georgetown and a commitment to my publisher.” Ellen’s mind raced with all the complications Kate’s departure and her own responsibilities presented. She couldn’t see her way clear without resigning her position, and she had lived her entire life within hours of her parents. Could she give up a career at a university she loved and a family who had always been there? What would she do in London? She supposed she could teach, but how would she find a position? And how well did she really know Kate? It had been only months since they’d gotten to know one another and fall in love.

Was that enough to build a lifetime on?

“I’m sorry. I know I’m asking a lot of you.” Kate drew her close once again. “But I love you and don’t want to lose you. I haven’t thought it all out and we’d have obstacles, but I want you with me, always. I’ve spent hours today thinking about you, and for the first time I want to spend the rest of my life with someone.” Ellen glanced up into Kate’s eyes and saw the raw sincerity of her emotions laid bare. It was almost painful to look at her and she willed the hurt away. No one had ever given her so much, had wanted her so much, and her heart was full with a need so great she didn’t know what to do with it.

“I suppose I could finish my research here and write the book in London,” she thought out loud. “I have a colleague in the American Studies department at King’s College who might be able to give me some advice on teaching positions in London…” She could see the hope in Kate’s eyes. She didn’t want Kate to think it would be easy or even possible for her to find something quickly or in an area even remotely comparable to Georgetown, but for now, seeing Kate’s pleasure was all that mattered. Ellen kissed her. She only meant to convey her love and a promise, but kissing Kate had never been that simple. Her hands wandered down Kate’s back to her hips, and with the slightest pressure, Kate responded by thrusting into her. She wasn’t sure if she or Kate had moaned, but it didn’t matter; she was already lost in her own body’s reaction.

They fumbled their way to the bedroom and quickly undressed.

The feel of skin upon skin made Ellen ache and she felt the wetness between them. She had never abandoned herself to someone so completely. The voice in her head that always accompanied a romantic encounter with someone, cautioning her about how she looked, was completely silent. This was Kate, whom she trusted with her body as well as her heart, and she let herself go. Lying on top of Kate, she arched up and pushed into her center. The contact was exquisite and she rocked forward, needing to feel more, wishing she could be inside Kate when she came. When Kate’s hands reached for her breasts and stroked her nipples, she shuddered. She climaxed with an intensity so complete, she collapsed into Kate’s arms, drawing it out for as long as possible.

Kate held Ellen, stroking her back and kissing her temple, trying to calm her racing heart. She was surprised to feel her eyes fill with tears, and she blinked them away. She couldn’t imagine not having Ellen with her, not having this passion in her life again. Was it possible that Ellen would change her life for her? Would she be happy in London with just Kate and a career that might not fulfill her? Should Kate turn the job down and try to find something in Washington? Maybe Channel 2 would be interested in her.

“I love you,” Ellen murmured.

A smile spread across Kate’s face. “I love you, too.” She thought about her flight tomorrow and at this moment didn’t relish the thought. But she also knew that she couldn’t delay the trip again.

She needed to follow the entire thing through to the end—whatever that might be.

Kate stifled a yawn and her eyes drooped heavily. Ellen’s deep breathing told Kate she was asleep and she held her tightly. She was so completely happy at that moment that she sighed contentedly. As she drifted off, a thought came to her that brought her back awake with a start. It was the best idea she’d had in a long time.

❖

Kate sat at the window seat sipping a glass of orange juice and leafing through the British Airways magazine. She’d brought a book to read, but knew she would never open it. The image of Ellen in bed that morning forced its way into her memory and she smiled inwardly. God, had it just been that morning that she had awakened next to her? It seemed like ages ago, yet the feel, smell, and taste of her lingered on her skin.

“Ma’am.” Kate motioned to the flight attendant. “Another orange juice, please.”

“I’d like to order some champagne and turn that into a mimosa. What do you think?”

Kate pulled Ellen in and kissed her, at first tentatively, then so hard she was certain her lips would be bruised. She stared into Ellen’s eyes, afraid that if she blinked Ellen would disappear. “I think it’s a great idea. Whatever you want.” Ellen was still in shock that in the middle of the night, Kate had somehow managed to book an extra seat on the flight, pack her bags, arrange for Kelly to take care of Beau, and still get them to the airport on time. She knew Kate was a determined woman, but she didn’t realize how much. She thought she was going to like this character trait very much.

“Whatever I want? I like the sound of that.” She took Kate’s hand and stroked it.

“I hope you don’t mind that I did this without asking you. I know you still have a lot of work to do on your book, but I thought a couple of weeks in London would give you a chance to see if you even like the city. And secretly, I was hoping you might stop in and see your colleague at King’s College. It wouldn’t hurt to find out about the possibilities of teaching there. I only hope your family isn’t pissed at me.”