Heartland (21 page)

Emily intended to use them.

With a soul-cutting sigh, he sat down in the chair, the tablet on the table catching his attention. He picked it up, feeling numb and aching all at the same time, then read the lyrics written in a bold, rounded hand.

He set the tablet back on the table, closed his eyes, and swallowed hard enough to make his heart hurt.

Chapter 17

EJ never came to bed that night. Although Emily had no idea why he hadn’t, she was happy for it. She sat up in EJ’s king-sized bed and stared down at the packet of white powder. Although the stuff looked like harmless powdered sugar or cornstarch, she knew without tasting the coke it was of topnotch quality. Fabian always bought the best product. Where he got his supply, she didn’t know. Cutting it with cornstarch would stretch the amount by possibly two or three days and would weaken it, too.

She could still escape from the fear and everything else if she cut it, but maybe the effect on the baby wouldn’t be bad. Her mouth was dry and her stomach rumbled. When was the last time she’d drunk or eaten anything? The answer eluded her, simply because she didn’t care. All she wanted was to rip open the packet and feel the sweet oblivion a few sniffs of the powder would give her.

Shivering despite the sheen of sweat slicking her skin, she pulled her knees up as far as she could. The bulge of her belly reminded her she wasn’t alone in this decision. Wrapping her arms around her folded legs, she laid her head on her knees and sobbed. Her baby would hurt if she gave into the strangling addiction, but her daughter and she weren’t the only victims. Her parents would be devastated, and her little brother, who idolized her as if she were a mythical goddess come to life, was old enough to be influenced by her bad decisions. He was the same age as their father when his mother had overdosed on pills and booze. His mother’s death shaped Daddy’s life in devastating ways, and hers when Mike Ritter used her father’s messed-up emotions about his mother to manipulate him into leaving Momma. The thought caused her breath to hitch painfully in her throat.

Not that she planned to overdose, but if she became addicted again, what difference would it make? She’d have to leave which would break little Johnny’s heart.

Her family weren’t the only ones who would be disappointed in her.

The lyrics to the song she’d written on the porch rushed back to her. EJ. Every thought of the man made her stomach flutter. She loved him with a passion beyond anything she’d ever experienced. Whether he loved her or not, she didn’t know, didn’t dare speculate, but he did care for her. He definitely felt lust for her, but there was something tender there, too. The memories of all the nights she’d fallen to sleep in his embrace, his hand resting protectively over her daughter, came to mind.

She swallowed again against the bitter lump choking her. Even if EJ didn’t love her now, she didn’t doubt he was falling for her. Craving his love was wrong, but deep down in her soul she did.

With a wince, she stretched her legs out and placed her hands on the rounding of her belly. As she stared down at the basketball like curve, she caught sight of the packet of coke. EJ had shown more tenderness and fatherly concern, if not love, to her baby than the man who had created her. Fabian might not believe in addiction, but he couldn’t deny the damage drugs had been proven to have on newborn babies. How could he show up here with that bag of poison if he cared even a little for their baby? He hadn’t even asked about the child, only telling her she’d looked like shit.

Why had he given her the drugs? What was his end game?

The questions hadn’t even been fully formed before she knew their answers. He wanted to control her. Fabian had never hit her, he never forbade her to do anything, but he’d destroyed her spirit as surely as if he’d smacked her around on a daily basis.

She reached out with a shaking hand and touched the cool plastic covering the viciously taunting powder. Did she honestly want that man to ever be near her baby girl?

The question startled her more than the answer did. She’d been keeping EJ at arms’ length because of some ideal fantasy Fabian would someday want to be a father, but today he showed his true self. He wasn’t worthy of the name.

With a deep, cleaning breath, she snatched up the packet and crawled off the bed. No, Fabian McPhee wasn’t more than a sperm donor. He would never be like her father. She hoped EJ was the man destined to be her baby’s father.

She entered the en suite bathroom and met her swollen, bloodshot eyes. Tears she hadn’t noticed ran down her white and red splotched cheeks. She did look like shit; she’d never appeared more devastated, and she’d never been stronger.

Careful not to spill the fine powder, she opened the ziplock of the baggie. Inhaling deeply with a breath heavily scented with EJ’s spicy soap, she turned the plastic over and watched dispassionately as several hundred dollars of highest-grade cocaine fell into the toilet, coating the water in the bowl before settling on the bottom of the porcelain. Once the bag was empty, except for a fine coating, she turned to the sink, filled the packet with water, and washed the substance down the drain.

“What kept you from using the coke?”

EJ’s deep voice was pitched low, causing her to nearly miss the question. She met his gaze in the mirror above the vanity. He stood in the opening of the door.

“A lot of things.” She sighed, then glanced down at the toilet as she pushed the lever to flush. A thrill ran through her as she realized the craving for the drug was replaced with a new determination she’d never had until now. Before the twirling water even had a chance to empty the bowl, she turned and smiled at him. “You mostly.”

“Me?”

She leaned against the edge of the sink and a quiver of deep need settled low in her belly at the sight of him. His short blond hair stood up in places as if he’d repeatedly been running his fingers through the thick mass. The expanse of muscular chest and shoulders were tanned a light brown from working his ranch without a shirt on, reminding her of the boy she’d spent her teenage years daydreaming about. Above his heart, the Army tattoo of an eagle with an American flag in his talons couldn’t let her forget the brave man he’d grown into. Springy, dark golden hair covered his pectorals and formed a line between his six-pack to disappear in the open fly of soft, low-riding jeans. He was gorgeous and always had been. Her old girlish crush melded into the emotions she now had for him, and her heart ached from the joy.

“I love you.” Her voice was rough from lack of sleep and the tears she’d shed. He widened his eyes, and the way his breath hitched encouraged her to tell him everything. “I think I’ve always loved you. I used to follow you around the ranch wishing you’d wait for me to grow up. You were and always had been my fantasy. Every love song I’ve ever written has been about you.” She laughed, the sound hoarse and scratchy. “Remember that summer you came home and I was between tour dates?” She didn’t give him time to answer as the memory of riding with him through the pastures came back to mind. “I’m surprised you didn’t see through my awkward flirting. God, I was smitten with you. Then when we brought the horses back to the barn, you kissed me on the cheek and told me to behave myself. I watched you leave that barn holding my cheek and smiling like a fool. I carved your initials in the doorframe of the barn to mark the spot where you kissed me. Dad thought they were mine because my middle name is Josephina and never questioned them.” Again she laughed, but this time it was even shakier than before. If he remembered any of it, he wasn’t giving her a clue. “I wrote
My Summertime Lover
that night. It’s my fantasy of what I wished would have happened in the pasture.” Unable to take the wide-eyed way he stood there staring at her, she swallowed hard. Had she completely scared him away with her rambling? “Please say something.”

In a heartbeat, he enveloped her in an embrace, picked her up off her feet, and covered her lips in a sweet, deep kiss. He tasted of mint, coffee, and passion. After a moment, he pulled out of the kiss and rested his forehead on hers. His pewter eyes were clear and bright, and she swore she could see into his soul. The depth of the emotion she saw in his gaze rushed over her like a tidal wave, washing away the last visages of any lingering cravings for coke. All she’d ever want was him.

“God, I love you, Emily.” His deep voice rasped the words as if he’d run a marathon. “I think deep down I’ve been waiting for you to grow up since I first laid eyes on you. I know it seems crazy, but something has always drawn me to you.” He kissed her again, then pulled back enough to whisper, “I love your baby girl, too. I know she’ll never be mine, but I hope you’ll let me stand in as Daddy to her.”

“If you let me stand in for Momma to Austin.”

He smiled and nodded. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

She held him close, and shivered at the intensity of his words. “EJ, you are everything I’ve ever wanted. Make love to me.”

He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. As she buried her fingers into his hair, she pressed her lips to his and kissed him. Sweeping his tongue into her mouth, he turned up the passion as he carried her to the bed. He set her on the mattress and pulled her tank top over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and he immediately leaned down to suck one of the hard, sensitive nipples.

She let out a long groan at the tingling need shooting through her to settle between her legs as he suckled her. When he moved to the other breast, she reached for his jeans. Together they pushed them down his legs and he kicked them away, then they got rid of her shorts. Within a few heartbeats they were naked, and he leaned over her.

Breathing heavy, he kissed her and skimmed his hand over her belly down to her mound. She sucked in a breath and arched her back when his fingers slipped over the needy nerves at her center.

“You’re wet,” he whispered in the ear he nibbled. “I can’t wait.”

When he slipped a finger inside her as his thumb caressed circles around her clit, she moaned and gripped his shoulders. “Then don’t.”

He shifted to bring his body in line with hers, and she wrapped her legs around his back. With a sure thrust, he entered her and within a few pumps she was cresting. The orgasm came hard and fast, but had never been sweeter. She opened her eyes to him watching her with eyes full of awe and love her body heated from it. As his thrusts quickened and deepened, perspiration shimmered over his tanned skin in the dim light of the bedroom. His hair was mussed and the dark stubble of beard covered his high angular cheeks and strong square chin. As he gritted his teeth and his muscles and sinews corded in his neck and shoulders with his control, he never looked more beautiful.

The coil of pleasure tightened deep in her lower belly and she cried out when it snapped. He slammed into her, stilled, and with a roar, broke apart with her.

When they came back together, she knew he’d given her part of his soul and he had hers.

* * * *

With her hands resting on the growing mound of her belly, Emily sat on the porch and stared unseeing out over the pasture. The sun was high in the sky and the day was hot, but she needed to be outside. Last night’s mental torture then the relief of the early morning’s confessions and passion had left her drained, but she couldn’t relax. They’d made love twice before drifting to sleep as dawn lightened the eastern sky outside the large windows.

The joy from sharing in EJ’s love had evaporated when his cellphone rang at a little after nine this morning. A car matching the description of the one belonging to Mike’s accomplice had been found abandoned this side of the McAllister County line, twenty-five miles north of town. The body of Brooklyn Jensen was found stuffed in the trunk. She’d been shot in the head, and had been dead for at least three days.

Emily shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. EJ hadn’t wanted to leave her, but he had no choice. He had to oversee the investigation until the Texas Rangers and FBI showed up. She’d promised him she’d stay inside until he could spare a deputy to send out to the ranch, but she needed some air. Her nerves were shot. Both Oliver and Jason patrolled the yard. She should have felt safe with their presence, but she didn’t.

Mike was in town and wanted her dead.

The sound of a gunshot cracked the still air like a pin to a balloon. She stood, but couldn’t make her legs move. She couldn’t even let the trapped scream out. Tingles of shock and fear numbed her limbs. Paralyzed by the scene, she couldn’t do anything but watch as Oliver fell, like a tree struck down by an ax, at the edge of the yard. Jason crouched behind a garden shed and fired in the direction where the killing shot had been fired, but the murderer didn’t show himself.

A return shot came from the direction of the barn.

“Emily! Get the hell inside the house and call Cowley!” Jason’s nasally New England accent got through the fog in her head.

She ran into the house and grabbed her cellphone from the counter. Her hands shook, causing her to drop the slippery iPhone twice before finally hitting the correct button to call EJ’s phone. With her heart beating hard enough from fear to make her chest hurt, she stared out the window behind the kitchen table. As she listened to EJ’s phone ring, she held her breath when Jason made a run for the house in a crouch, using trees and little Austin’s big plastic playhouse for cover. When he reached the porch, another shot was fired from the barn. Jason’s eyes widened and he dropped to his knees. She screamed as EJ greeted her, and she dropped the phone again.