Heavy Hearts (10 page)

Suzette
finally released my lips from under her soft hand. “So, what am I supposed to do?”  I pleaded, tears welling in my eyes as the thought of losing him became the front runner in my mind. I thought I could handle it, but the booze mixed with the girl talk was making me think twice.

“You need to tell him you want to stay. Make it work with him. Your parents aren’t going to give two shits about it… I mean your mom will make you feel insanely guilty, but that’s only for her pleasure.”
Drunk Suzette made some great points. Aside from the scholarship I would lose to NYU nothing else was waiting for me in New York, and I could afford to go to any school I wanted ten times over. All my hard work in high school would’ve been a waste, but was my educational status more important than love?

“Do you want to stay with him?” She prodded.

“Of course I do… I just don’t know if he wants me to stay, and I’m not sure if I can take the rejection if he tells me he feels different.” I let the tears spill out of my eyes roll down my temples; disappearing into my hair.

“Babe, don’t cry. It’ll be alright. You just need to sit him down and be forward with him.” She rolled over to sit herself on top of me, and wrapped her long arms
around me in a big bear hug. “I love you more than anything, and I will always be straightforward with you.” She mumbled with her face stuffed in my hair. She pulled herself up so she was straddling over me looking down at my tear-stained face. “I’m not going to lie to you, there is always that chance of rejection, but is it really better to go home without knowing at all? Without knowing what great love you two could share? I wouldn’t take that risk, and I don’t think you should either.”

She had a good argument but part of me was still unsure. Then, like they could sense it, the boys walked through the hotel room door and spotted the two of us in a very compromising position.

“Well well well. What do we have going on in here?” Adam wailed.

“Oh you know, just a little girl on girl action while the boys are out. We have to keep ourselves entertained somehow right?” Suzette giggled as she rolled her hips forward and back across my stomach. I burst into laughter as she fake moaned until I pushed her off of me back onto the bed.

“Mmm yes, well. As lovely as this is, Miss Suzette if you don’t mind, I’m going to steal this inebriated darling away from you. Our hours are limited you know.” Simon expressed; his words putting that sting of pain back in my throat as I could feel more tears forming. I couldn’t let him see that I had been crying.

“She is all yours pal.” Suzette stammered. My eyes were still wet so I stayed on the bed trying to fight the tears back so I wouldn’t have to explain myself, but before I
knew it a pair of strong hands were lifting me off the bed forcing me to squeal. He carried me out of the room giggling, and I waved wildly to Suzette and Adam.

He plopped me down on top of my perfectly made temporary bed that hadn’t been slept on in over a week. I couldn’t get a handle on my laughter. Even when he draped his body over mine and kissed me deeply I laughed through his kiss. His hands began to explore my body and I could tell he was craving me. He had this perfect way of letting me know everything he was thinking just by touching me so it wasn’t hard to decipher that when his hand stopped abruptly he could also sense what was really wrong with me. He pulled away instantly and stared down at my face. I may have been smiling and still laughing a little, but I was also crying, and I couldn’t stop.

“Lucy?” He was worried. His eyebrows furrowed upward but his eyes dropped. He didn’t even need to ask me what was wrong because he already knew.

“Lucy, I’m sorry,” was all he could say, and that was enough to send me into a fit of loud sobs. I really wished I hadn’t had anything to drink; it would’ve been much easier to control myself.

“No, I’m sorry Simon. I’m only acting like this cause I’m an emotional drunk. I have issues, but I’m fine really. Really, I am,” but my words couldn’t even convince me, so I knew they didn’t convince him.

“Don’t lie to me. After all we’ve shared together this summer please, just don’t lie to me.” He begged. Suzette’s words spun like an out-of-control merry-go-round in my head faster and faster and I had to debate on whether or not to be truthful, or to come up with a convincing lie so we could just have sex and go to bed. I burned my stare into his eyes; his deliciously brown eyes that were full of torment and pain, and I tried my hardest
to hear his thoughts. If I could hear what he was thinking then maybe I could have gotten myself out of the situation with the result of both of us being somewhat happy. He looked just as upset as I felt at that moment, and if he was overwrought about the situation then maybe he would be fine with my proposal to stay. I decided to take the risk and lay all my cards out on the table for him to graciously accept or to toss them back in my face leaving my heart and ego seriously bruised.

“Can I be honestly honest with you then?” I asked politely, sitting up in the bed and wiping the salty tears from my cheeks.

“That’s all I ask.” He muttered, but looked almost afraid to hear what I had to say. The instinct to lie came rushing back again but I had to know what his true feelings were, or there was a serious chance I would leave the country verifiably insane.

“Okay… I want to stay here.
In London. With you.” I couldn’t breathe as I waited for his reaction. All the air was vacuumed sealed out of the room and there was no hope of relief until I heard him speak, but he just stared at me blankly, like all thoughts had been completely erased from his mind. Milliseconds turned to seconds that turned to minutes which turned to hours until eventually it felt like ten years had passed.

Still waiting for a response I felt more tears gathering. I hated crying. I felt like it was the most useless thing our bodies could do and I wished it could be controlled. But it couldn’t, and tears spilled out of my eyes rolling down my face like condensation on a cold glass of lemonade in
the summer heat.

“Please Simon, you asked me to be honest with you. I think it’s only fair you return the favor.” I broke the silence pleading with him to say anything.

“I…” He started, but he seemed to be having trouble with his words as he looked down at his lap. He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Looking back up at me his demeanor had changed. Suddenly he felt cold and distant.
This was it
I thought.

“I can’t let you do that.” He finally spit out, and I was completely floored.

“But… you’re not
letting
me do anything. This is my decision. I don’t need to go to some fancy college to be happy, all I need is you and I want to stay here and be in love, with you.” I cried.

“No. You’re right,” his words filled me relief. “It’s not my decision if you stay or not, but if you stay it doesn’t mean we will stay together,” and just as quickly they broke me.

I could barely breathe, let alone speak, so I just sat and stared at him with a steady stream of tears pouring out of my eyes. “But…” is all I could manage to squeeze out as he stood in front of me with my heart in his hands ready to toss out the open window.

“But nothing Lucy, I’m serious. This has been fun and I have great feelings for you, but I’m sorry I have to stick by the agreement we made. I’m sorry.” Tears began to stain his cheeks and I couldn’t tell if he was sincere or trying to protect me in some twisted way that he felt was right. It didn’t feel real. Not real at all, more like a bad teenage love story that I didn’t understand but would find myself sobbing over regardless
and I wanted to turn it off so very badly.

“Please, if you think you’re helping me somehow by pushing me back toward my future in New York… please just stop. I don’t want that if it means giving you up. I can’t go on living my life right if I know that you are here – apart from me.” I tried convincing
him that I didn’t need New York anymore. “All I want is you, please” My sniveling had become more uncontrollable with every second that passed.
Stupid Vodka.

“Please Lucy,” He was abrasive now. “I don’t want you here. I have a life outside of you, don’t you understand that. So I need you to return to New York and start your own life.” His tortured face couldn’t even look at me anymore as he spoke the words that broke my heart. But it was my fault right? I mean, I wasn’t supposed to let myself fall in love with him; I was supposed to use him for a fun summer and then continue on with my life.
Stupid Lucy.

“I think you should leave,” was all I could say. What was the point of him sticking around for the next two days watching as I pulled daggers out of my wounded heart? I was embarrassed and hurt and I just wanted to be alone to kick myself in the head for letting it happen. He rose up off the bed and gave me a kiss on the forehead; it was too eager and lasted too long… which made it all hurt even worse. I pulled away and he slipped out the door silently, and that was that. He was gone.

****

That was the last time I saw Simon Basford until now, at my birthday celebration when I turn around and search for the voice calling my name so anxiously. Simon is standing in the middle of the room wearing a black suit, white collared shirt, and a black skinny tie. His hair is a bit longer than the last time I saw him, but he still wears the same black plastic framed glasses, and he still has that alluring smile surrounded by two-day old stubble.

My head spins with a mix of champagne and emotions that I tried to bury this last year after he so crudely pushed me away from him. I really want to leap into his arms and kiss him for as long as I could, but I think to myself all the rebuilding I had to do when I got back to Manhattan, and how my grades suffered my first few weeks at NYU because I was up long nights crying over this man. He makes his way toward me and I stand my ground firmly, wishing I looked be
tter than I did at this moment.

Chapter 12

“Lucy!” He shouts as he lifts me up for a warm embrace. I so much want to wrap my arms around him and breathe in his delicious scent of peppermint and fresh air, but I leave my arms to my side; forcing myself to be as insolent as he was the night I thought I had died.

“What? Are you not happy to see me? I came to wish you a happy birthday love.” He
pretends to be confused by my cold reaction to him. Like he didn’t rip my heart out and leave it on the side of the road in the middle of London, but I know he knows why I’m not thrilled.

“Do you think I should be happy? I mean really Simon, do you really think I would be happy to see you, here… at my birthday party? It hasn’t even been a full year yet since you broke me.” I can’t help but raise my voice. I can feel all the torment from last fall come rushing back to me and I want to fall to the floor and cry, but I know that is not an option, so I hide my pain by getting angry at him and lashing out. Something I usually never let myself do, I always blamed myself for his reasons for not wanting me, but him showing up like this is just so infuriating.

“Yeah… I know. That’s why I’m here though. I know you have no reason to say yes, but please meet me tonight for dinner I have something important I need to talk to you about. I can’t even begin to apologize for the things I said last summer, but please Lucy, please just give me one chance and hear me out.” He begs.

I loosen my clenched jaw and take a deep breath forcing any possible tears away. I learned quickly how to stop myself from crying after needing to be excused from
classes when one stupid word would make me think of him and I would explode in sorrow.

“I actually have a date tonight, Simon, so I can’t indulge you this evening,” I want to tell him just to get back on a plane and return to
Southwark, but I do need to hear what he has to say; I need some closure still. But, I do enjoy the fact that I can rub my date with Malcolm in his face. “If you want, we can have lunch tomorrow.” I’ll give him that.

“A date?!”
He roars. His new tint of green jealousy turns me into that bitchy high school brat that dangled all the things she had that you lacked right in front of your nose; taunting you with her shiny new toys. But for once it was me who had the new toys, or boy I guess I should say, and I can’t help rubbing it in Simon’s face to make him squirm. He deserves it.

“Yes, Simon. What
, am I just supposed to sit around all the time and mope over you? I’ve dated plenty since we last saw each other.” I lie, of course, but he doesn’t need to know that my first year in college was spent eating ice cream all night while attempting to study for English lit and intro to journalism. He can think that I’ve been seeing other people, forgetting about him.

“Yes, well… who is this
tosser?”

“Simon! Be nice, and that’s none of your business.” I snap.

“Well, what time is this
date
?” He says the word like it tastes bad rolling off his tongue.

“Not that that is any of your business either, but nine.”
Most of me needs him to leave me alone, to just go back to where he came from, but there is a part of me that wants to tell Malcolm to forget it and go rekindle the flame between this British God and I.

“And he’s picking you up here?” He wonders.

“Yes… why?”

“I’ll wait for him. I could use a good party and from the looks of it…” he scans the room and finds something worth mentioning, but in reality this party is not the party of a normal nineteen year old girl… it’s the party of a debutant. Classical music is oozing out of the speakers strategically placed all over the house, wait staff walks around with trays of hors d'oeuvres and champagne, and the rooms are filled with friends and family of Grandma Whitten's. “Well… there’s booze, so that’s something.” Is all that he can manage to
say.